Enough with Intimacy Already! I am really getting weary of practicing intimacy. I suck at it. However, I keep getting more opportunities to practice.
Journal Through Recovery Entry 40: And I Am A….??
Here is how 12 step meetings start, specifically Castimonia Christ centered ones. We introduce ourselves using first names and we identify ourselves by our addictions. Here is where I digress. This is how I introduce myself: My name is K_____, I am a follower of Christ and … well this is where it gets difficult. Many people in my group introduce themselves as sex addicts or struggling with sexual purity. And I did the same for a while. I struggled with how to label myself. Until I realized something. I am not a sex addict. Ok, before you think I am in denial, hear me out.
I am not better or less of a damaged, fallen sinner. I just have a different view of where I am. Believe me, I didn’t get here on my own. I struggled with this for months. I labeled myself a sex addict, a relationship addict, an addict, damaged, struggling with sexual purity, fighting for sexual purity. I got very confused and just wasn’t sure. So I stopped. I asked my counselor for advice and guidance.
Here is how he put it to me. He asked me what I sought throughout my years of acting out. Was I seeking sexual gratification or pornography to medicate whatever I was struggling with at the time? The answer was no. I sought to fill those empty spaces in many different ways, not just one.
For me that took many different forms. From seeking affirmation, to long term relationships, to constant escape through reading, and through compulsive behavior through running up to and including marathons. I can name off multiple ways I sought to escape and numb any pain or emotion. Intimacy avoidance is how I describe my path prior to recovery. I think that is accurate. I think I used many different destructive behaviors to hide from intimacy is how I would classify myself.
I tend to now just identify myself as being in recovery. I have a story. It is different from anyone else’s story. It is much the same as everyone else’s story as well. I am fighting for sexual purity, struggling with addiction, trying to refrain from compulsive behavior and remain in recovery. I just don’t think I can call myself a sex addict. My story isn’t about the pursuit of a sexual high through pornography, masturbation, or sexual experiences.
My story is about trying to stay away from the emotions that hurt. Through whatever means necessary. My story is about seeking out ways to lessen the sting of abandonment, of medicating my anxiety from not being in control. My story is about a lack of trust. I learned from an early age that I couldn’t trust my parents. That my mother would lie to me and others to control a situation. That I couldn’t trust anyone, especially God, with the truth of my flaws and sins. I could turn my life over to God, my salvation, but not my will. Not my daily life.
That is the crux of my story. I didn’t believe I could trust anyone. I knew I couldn’t. How could God be any different? I saw first hand in the fundamentalist environment I grew up in that sin and flaws were not acceptable not only to God but to others as well. So I dove deep. I dove deep into hiding and secrecy. I fled an intimate relationship with God and with others.
My name is K______, I am a believer in Christ, and I am in recovery.
Journal Through Recovery Entry 39: An Amends
Its a weekend. My niece is getting married. My brother’s daughter. I am really happy for her. Her future husband is a sweet guy. He seems committed to loving her like Christ loves the church. I am thankful for that. Some family is here. My younger sister and her two girls. My mom and dad. I am happy to see them as they can’t really travel much due to health. They live about 7 hours away. Of course, all I can think of is that its the right time. Face to face amends.
I replay this conversation over and over in my head. Amends with my Mother. Sometimes it turns out well, sometimes not so well. I am truly torn with this one. I leaned into step 8. I made my list and truly became willing to make amends. Only, now faced with it, I feel those resentments from my 4th step rising up in me and impacting my willingness and want to follow through. I feel this trying to be about more than me repenting and paying for my actions.
I wish I could do them at the same time. Make amends with my parents. My father isn’t in great health. His cognitive abilities right now are very limited. Truly making amends with him isn’t possible right now. I know that this will happen if and when God allows it. Doing so with my Mother only, I am struggling with my attitude. With the true motivation in taking this step with her.
We for some reason have some time alone together during the weekend. She asked me to take her to look at an independent living facility for her and my father. She has reached the point where she can’t really take care of him by herself anymore. Thankfully she is starting to realize that.
So we drove there alone together. We made small talk about the upcoming wedding, about how much Dad is struggling. About how much of a toll this has on her. I felt my resentment rising up at how I knew she would make this, like everything else, about her. Only this time I let go of that and gave it to my God. Just like he designed me to…to let go and let him handle those issues. They weren’t mine. My issue now was to make amends with my Mother. To be specific with her about why I needed to make amends.
So I did. I explained to her that I was in recovery. I asked her if she knew what that was. She didn’t so I tried to walk her through what a 12 step program was and why I was in this one. She knew the basics, she didn’t want too many of the details, and honestly I didn’t feel too safe in going into too much detail. But I told her what she needed to know. I talked about each of the 12 steps, that I was on step 9 and what that meant. She tried to just say that it didn’t matter and there was nothing to forgive. I was very tempted to just accept that. But I couldn’t. She and my father were on my list for a reason.
I let her know that I was sorry for how I had manipulated her and Dad for my own benefit. How I had lied to them both to meet my selfish needs. How I felt guilt over the impact that my separation from God and my family had on her and Dad. I asked how my behavior had impacted her. She was honest but very kind. She told me that she was broken, like me. That I didn’t have the only story that included sin and guilt. She forgave me. And she restored me to being her son.
For that action, I will be forever thankful and always proud to call her my Mom.
Journal Through Recovery – Bonus Podcast Episode #11
This is a month of milestones. Milestones of recovery and milestones of guilt. How do I recognize them both?
Journal Through Recovery Entry 38: So I Practice?
Counseling is beneficial to me. Ok, that is kind of an obvious statement. Shocking, right?? Actually, to me it isn’t so obvious. (Sorry, counselor!) I am seeing counseling now for what it is meant to be, a component of my recovery. A very important one.
Each time in my 12 step meeting, we read a definition of our addiction called “Our Problem.” At the end it states what we must do to overcome our problem. “We must attend and support recovery meetings, share with and listen to others, continue to work the 12 Steps, gratefully serve the fellowship, and reach out to others who still struggle.” There is one addition for me…counseling. I can give you an example. A very important one for me.
My counselor recently asked me to do an exercise. He asked me to start listening to my wife. I told him I do that. A lot. Evidently that wasn’t enough. So he gave me an exercise to try with her. He told me to ask her about her day. And then just shut up and listen. For 15 minutes. Without saying a word. Just see how that feels and listen to her. Ok, I can do that. That’s easy because I do that all the time. I don’t interrupt, I always listen to her about what is going on with her.
So I got home. We fixed dinner, took care of the kids, took a walk around the lake with dog, cleaned up around the house, and then finally settled in for the night. All was quiet. I asked about her day. And I shut up and listened. Only, I discovered something. I wasn’t good at it. I had to mentally stop myself from interrupting every couple of minutes. I was really surprised by how much I would have normally interjected, given her advice, told her how to handle a situation. I also discovered something else that was the most important. I heard so much more. Wow, did I miss a lot usually. She shared things that I normally would have missed. All because I listened.
This seemed like an interesting exercise, another way to connect with my spouse. Just a good practice to put in place to deepen intimacy with my wife. To put her needs above mine. Until something interesting happened to connect the dots for me. I told you, I need extra parts in my recovery because many times I miss important truths. This was one of those times.
I was having breakfast with a brother in recovery. He talked about submitting. He was mentioning how in Step 3 we turn our lives and our will over to the care of God. How submitting his will to his wife was practice for submitting to God. That made it click for me. Listening was the same way. Actually marriage is the same way.
I have missed so much in my marriage. Such important truths and learnings. Marriage by design is practice. It allows us to practice intimacy, listening, submission, communication, love…all those relational components. It is practice for us to develop a deeper intimacy with God. And I missed it. The entire time.
