CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

K.LeVeq

By

More Than I Can Bear

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. – 1 Corinthians 10:13

How many times have I heard this…”God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” I call bullshit. I even repeated that axiom over and over. I said it to other people. I prayed it. I thanked Him for not giving me more than I could handle, all the while not being able to handle all I experienced. Burying the pain and heartache and loneliness as deep as I could drive it. I couldn’t handle it. Well, I couldn’t handle it in a healthy and honest way.

I can point to so many instances in my life that were more than I could handle. The death of my best friend. The complete isolation and abandonment of being passed off to my aunt and uncle. The shame of being sexually abused. The unending self loathing that came with hiding my violations of our marriage vows. The impact on my wife of my disclosing my lifetime of manipulation and lying. I couldn’t handle or bear any of those. Not in any way that was honoring to God or myself or my marriage or my family.

I didn’t trust God. If he truly wasn’t going to give me more than I could handle, then why did He give me more than I could handle? What happened to that loving caring Savior that was supposed to take those things away from me? Why did I continually experience overwhelming hardships under which I would crumble over and over? I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand why…I claimed to be a Christian. Wasn’t He supposed to provide us special protection? The sin and shame and self loathing was supposed to be for those who didn’t believe.

After I entered into what I call recovery, I started working through a 12 step program through a men’s support and recovery group called Castimonia. I got a sponsor, someone I knew. I disclosed my sexual sin to my wife and somehow was still married. I wrote and read what’s called a first step to my recovery group. This was my entire history of isolation, shame, sexual sin, lying and manipulation. And yet, men told me that they could identify with my story. They had similar experiences and were thankful of the reminders and were there for support. I was thankful for the support, but I can honestly say I didn’t see God in my recovery. I saw the support of other people, I saw the community and relationships with other men through my recovery group. I just didn’t understand why God had allowed all this to continue. He was supposed to not let me experience more than I could bear.

I read step three, “We turned our life and will over to the care of God as we understood God.” And that’s when my real recovery began. That realization. I had not turned my will over to Him. Ever. I had given Him my salvation as I understood it. I figured I had the rest. I didn’t trust God. Not with anything more than after this life. This life was mine. And what I had always thought was true. I couldn’t bear all this myself. See, I missed that last part of 1 Corinthians. He will provide a way out of temptation. For me, I had to first trust that. Trust that He would provide a way. And depend on Him. How many times had I missed that way out?

By

Journal Through Recovery Entry 52: A Spiritual Awakening

One year. Twelve steps. A spiritual awakening.

My timing is terrible or perfect. Depends on your perspective. My journey through recovery landed at step 12 at the end of one year. Step 12, regardless of your flavor of recovery, is the culmination of a harrowing adventure of self discovery for most. For me, it has been truly as described. A spiritual awakening. And having experienced that awakening, it is now my charge to revisit these steps and to carry this message to others. To show the path that was shown to me.

My year hasn’t been smooth or simple or straight or calm or soothing or any other serene type words. Quite the opposite. It has looked like one of my earlier titles for a post – a rollercoaster. Lots of ups and downs. I remember clearly my step one, where I had to read my litany of sexual sins to a room full of people I didn’t know that well, while I sobbed under the weight of my shame. I can’t understate the importance of working step three, where I finally realized that I had turned my life and salvation over to God but never my will. I hadn’t ever truly believed that I could trust my secrets to Him and that He wouldn’t abandon me too. Ups and downs.

Completing a searching and fearless moral inventory in step four was way more suffocating than I imagined. But foundational. I review that list as my list. My flaws. The ones He imparted to me. Some are gone. Some are ingrained. All are there because of how He made me. And I am aware of them all. I know they are there and can only be endured by His strength, not mine. This realization gave me the courage to complete step five, to share my flaws with someone else. Someone not in recovery, who didn’t know my stains. Scary and valuable.

Through these flaws I see into the struggles of others. I can carry this message to others because my flaws are still here. Reviewing these flaws in light of step six, being entirely ready for God to remove them, for me meant truly being ready for God to bear them, for Him to have dominion over all of me. And using them for the difficult work to come. Amends.

Having a clear understanding of my defects of character has made it clear to me how I have hurt and damaged others. This awareness allowed me to identify those I had harmed, shaped my heart to become willing to make amends, and then actually following through. Seeking out a daily living amends to my wife. Constantly staying close to the pain and the brokenness my years of betrayal have caused her and building some stability with her, one moment by one moment. Spelling out in detail the years of absence and abandonment I caused to my boys and listening as they poured out their hurt from my lack of connection. And seeing the gift of time…the opportunity God has given me to make amends to them.

Today having an actual relationship with God. One where I listen and talk. Give and take. Understand and seek understanding. This year has been a true spiritual awakening. Gradual. Time consuming. Unending. And ready for the next step.

By

Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 49: Being Relational

Doug discusses the awkwardness of relationship when someone is going through a difficult time, and he gives some tips on how to live in the awkward parts of people’s storms of life.

Being aware of emotions and finding relationship and connection is vital in recovery, so we are looking for ways to break the cycle of addiction to find meaning and peace.

For more information, please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org.

By

Experiencing Loss and Loss to Come

Loss. That word hasn’t left me recently. I keep coming back to this concept of loss. What loss means as part of my life now. There are so many losses. And so many more to come. Some losses are ever present, looming over me like that impending storm on the horizon, where the sky is so dark and ominous. I know they are coming. I know I am not prepared. Some losses are hidden in my previous life of compartmentalization. These are the losses I pushed deep into my psyche and buried. My life of compartmentalization is over. And now these hidden wounds are surfacing.

When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time at my aunt and uncle’s house. The only interaction I had with anyone was with a guy named David, who was a couple years older than me. My aunt basically arranged for him to come hang out with me so I wouldn’t be alone. Fortunately, he was kind and caring, the older brother I yearned for and didn’t have at that time. I actually looked forward to the time there because of the friendship I built with him. He included me in his group, took me with him and his girlfriend to parties and with other people. I felt wanted not just tolerated.

The summer after my freshman year in college, I was struggling. I was in an unhealthy relationship with an older woman who really wanted to be with me because of what she thought she could gain from me. I didn’t know how to stay away from her. My parents did what they normally did when they didn’t want to face difficult situations: they sent me away to Colorado to work for some acquaintances. I lived in a tent with no facilities. I spent 12 hours a day hauling rocks to clear a road. And I was isolated. Again.

Weekly calls home and to my friend David were the only touch points I had. David told me that he had proposed to his girlfriend and that I was to be one of his groomsmen. The wedding was the weekend after I would return from Colorado. I spoke to him on the phone a week before I was to fly home. He was excited. He told me he was going to Jackson to buy her some pearls as a surprise gift for the wedding. He was going to ride with another guy we knew, one that I really didn’t like too much. This guy was known for drinking and partying too much.

I got a call the next morning. David and the guy he went with didn’t show up that night back at his house. They found him early the next morning, dead and trapped under the car when it flipped. The other guy was driving. He was legally drunk and unharmed. I couldn’t mentally process all of that and at the time I just didn’t.

My father is in bad health. He has been in a downward spiral the last few months. The impending certainty has surfaced the loss of my friend, David. A loss I never really faced the past 30 years. One I pushed deep down into my memory so I wouldn’t have to remember it. The impact of his absence in my life is stifling. I can’t breathe as I dwell on what him not being in my life has really meant. And I weep as I face the loss of my father to come. Emotions I haven’t allowed myself to feel for 30 years. Until now.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18

From Blog: Not Unknown by KL Baker

By

Journal Through Recovery Entry 51: My List

At the beginning of my Step 11, seeking to improve my constant contact with God, my sponsor (as a reminder, he is the only smiling happy sadist I have ever met) instructed me to develop a process for making decisions. I did that and it actually works for me and my wife. Good stuff. So on to finishing these steps, right? Not quite.

So he challenged me to make a list. Every day. A list of the things that were distracting, anxiety inducing, stressful. Things that seemed insurmountable. Things that were too big for me. That felt too big for God. Ok, that seems a little bit scary, put the source of my fear into writing. Giving them reality and weight.

And I did. I started writing them down. Actually acknowledging their existence. By doing that I found…that they didn’t immediately go away. Ok, so that sucks. Thanks, sponsor. Now I am even more anxious about them. So I kept doing that, writing them down, putting them aside.

I pulled out a list from a month ago. Here is my list in its entirety. These are the things that were keeping me up at night:

My son’s college choice
Paying our bills
My job
Paying for college
Moving
Work credit card bill

Those were my worries, the things that were causing me endless anxiety and stress. Thirty days ago. Thirty days of focusing on identifying my issues and fears and making sure I talked about them with God.

Something weird happened. Those aren’t fears or anxieties anymore. They weren’t all solved how I wanted them to be solved. What did happen is I gave them up. By identifying them and recognizing my powerlessness, I got practiced at overtly sharing them with the One who can.

In focusing on improving my constant contact with God, I have realized something that I learned in step one. Yes, I know, I am a very slow learner. I am powerless…not just over my addiction. I am powerless over my fears, my anxieties, my bills, my relationship with my wife, my son’s college. My list.

Psalm 55:22 says “Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you.” Not He will give you everything you want or He will solve all your problems. Not He will check all the boxes on my “wish” list. He will sustain me.

My list is different now. It includes things like worrying about my parents being able to continue to afford assisted living, my youngest son integrating into a new school, my wife starting a new job. My list keeps changing. I wish I could say I don’t worry or stress or feel anxiety over my list. I could say that but I wouldn’t be rigorously honest. What has changed is my contact with God has changed.

Instead of holding onto my list, obsessing over it, trying to fix everything, I do some of those things, but I also talk to God about my list. I know I am powerless to handle my list. I know he isn’t powerless. He is all powerful, the Almighty, the Great I Am (does that name for God just not sound cool??). Talking to him about my list breaks my isolation and my control. It improves my constant contact with God, and He listens.