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PRAYERS TO HELP YOU SURVIVE A STRESSFUL WEEK

Originally posted at: http://news.americanbible.org/blog/entry/bible-blog/prayers-to-help-you-survive-a-stressful-week

By: Nicholas Hemming

Call out to God for peace and rest

After pulling into your driveway and gathering your belongings, you realize you lack the energy you need to stand up, walk to your front door and get on with your evening. So you drop your head on your steering wheel, hoping a 30-second nap will cure your ills. It doesn’t. Fifteen minutes later, you’re still in the car, wondering how your week spiraled out of control so quickly.

In the midst of your chaos—overwhelming work responsibilities, repairs to your house and car, logistics for your family—you’ve lost all sense of reason. That’s why you’re napping in the car. But what else can you do? You’re tired, frustrated, stressed and in desperate need of a vacation.

Does this sound familiar?

Maybe your family commitments recently ramped up and you’re struggling to stay afloat. Between keeping your house tidy, cooking at least two meals per day and driving your kids to and from soccer practice, you barely have enough energy to get to your office—let alone accomplish anything on your to-do list.

Or maybe you’ve endured a week when you haven’t seen eye to eye with anyone. You’ve argued with your boss, burned bridges with close friends and constantly fought with your spouse. You keep wondering if you’ve run into a stretch of bad luck or if you’ve simply felt more combative lately. Either way, you’re angry, exhausted and ready for the week to end.

In these moments, when you can’t seem to overcome your stress, you can turn to God’s Word for peace. And you can call out go God for rest. These four prayers will get you started:

Lord, I’m exhausted. Help me to find rest in you.

“Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28 (GNTD)

Lord, I’m frustrated. I so badly want to take a break, but I feel trapped by all my responsibilities. Give me your joy today.

May God, the source of hope, fill you with all joy and peace by means of your faith in him, so that your hope will continue to grow by the power of the Holy Spirit. – Romans 15:13 (GNTD)

Lord, I know I’ve wronged my friends and family during this stressful week. Help me to approach them with humility.

Be always humble, gentle, and patient. Show your love by being tolerant with one another. – Ephesians 4:2 (GNTD)

Lord, I constantly feel unsettled. I need your peace today.

“Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid.” – John 14:27 (GNTD)

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You Can’t Always Get What You Want – But You Better Try

Matthew 5:37 – “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”

Telling other people what you want is key to feeling alive in a relationship and keeping things vibrant for both people. If only one person is getting his or her desires met, the relationship suffers. Unfortunately, many people do not get what they want in a relationship. But, they could if they knew how to communicate their desires.

For example, Peter began dating Marla. At first, he was in absolute heaven. She was so “easy to get along with,” he said. About five months later, though, something happened. “I broke up with Marla,” he said. “It just wasn’t working out.”

”What happened?” I (Dr. Cloud) asked.

“In the beginning, she was like a breath of fresh air,” Peter replied. But as time went on, I noticed a couple of things. First, I could never figure out what she wanted. I would ask her what she wanted to do, or where she wanted to go, or how she felt about something, and she would always defer to me. Even though that felt good in the beginning, over time, I got bored with Marla’s flexibility. There was something missing. I don’t know exactly what it was.

Second, she wouldn’t really pout, but she would be sad, or quiet, or something. I would feel like I had done something wrong, but I didn’t know what it was. So I would ask. At first, she would say, ‘Nothing,’ but I knew that was bull. So I would have to pull it out of her, and then I would find out that she had wanted me to do something I hadn’t done, or that she was bugged about something she hadn’t told me about. I felt like I was letting her down, but I couldn’t read her mind. I was frustrated not knowing when things were okay and when they weren’t. I think I need someone more up front with what they are thinking and what they want.”

Many people think of “boundaries” only as setting limits, saying no, or trying to stop something destructive from happening. But having good boundaries is more than stopping bad things from happening to you. It is also taking responsibility for the good things you want to happen.

When you take responsibility for your desires and communicate them well, a relationship has much more chemistry, connection, and mutual fulfillment. You know about and negotiate any issues; there is give and take. And no one is walking around resentful and depressed.

Think about Peter and Marla for a moment. She had desires she wanted fulfilled in her relationship with Peter. But she thought Peter was responsible for knowing what her desires were and for taking the first step toward fulfilling them. She shifted the responsibility for what she wanted from her to him; she thought her “wants” were his problem, not hers. When he did not solve her problem, when she felt sad or resentful, she saw it as Peter’s responsibility to figure out what she was feeling and do something about it. Ultimately, this proved too much for him to do.

To have a relationship that works well, we should communicate our wants not outwardly, but inwardly. We should have a “responsibility” talk with ourselves before we have a “talk” with another person. Here are some of the things we will need to do:

• Own our “want”—be honest about what we want and be aware that our desire is our responsibility.
• Own the feelings that occur when our desire is not getting met—if we are sad, we needs to tell other people, not wait for them to figure it out.
• Choose to communicate and move toward other people to let our wants be known.
• Communicate desire, not demand.

We always have to look at ourselves first to make sure we are doing our part correctly. This is particularly true with wants and desires; others do not magically know what we want, and they need to be told in ways they can accept. So the first conversation has to take place inside.

Freedom is essential to a good relationship. If we’re not free, we can’t love. If people feel as though they can’t say “no” to us and if they do things for us out of compulsion, guilt, or feelings of obligation, they will resent doing those things. If we ask for things we want in ways that make someone feel as though “no” is not okay with us, the relationship turns into a control battle. Freedom and love suffer, and even fulfilled desires can’t fully satisfy because they are not given in love.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 59A: Caleb’s Testimony

Doug interviews Caleb to discuss his journey through addiction.

He discusses his early family life as well as his introduction to pornography and acting out template.

He discusses family patterns, low points, and the darkness of his addiction.

Check out Part B for the rest of the story to hear how Caleb found recovery.

Email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org for more information…thank you for listening!

The book mentioned in this podcast can be found by following the link below:

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The “But” Sandwich

Originally posted at: https://scottwoodtherapy.wordpress.com/2016/09/06/the-but-sandwich/

by scottwoodtherapy

You have been served a but sandwich whether you recognized it as such or not.  Whether it is in close relationships or at work, but sandwiches are frequently on the menu, and they seem to get served though no one ever orders them.

Let me define this for you.  A but sandwich is a complaint or criticism in the guise of a compliment or expression of appreciation.  It often sounds like this, “Thanks for doing x, but…”  On the one side you have an apparent expression of appreciation.  On the other is the complaint or criticism.  Sandwiched in the middle is “but.”

“Isn’t this a good way to give feedback?” I hear you ask.  “You say something positive and then you point out the problem.”  Think about the experience of getting served a but sandwich and you can probably answer your own question.  When someone served you a but sandwich, did you feel affirmed?  Did you feel that you just got a stroke or did you feel criticized?  Chances are that your experience was one of being criticized and not affirmed.  The but sandwich tends to have the effect of negating the positive part of the statement.

The research on couple’s relationships[1] indicates that for relationship health, five positives are needed for every negative[2].  That is just to break even on relationship health.  A but sandwich is, at best, 1:1 and at worst comes off as “I didn’t really mean the first part.”

In close relationships, this effect can become more pronounced when the relationship is in “negative sentiment override.”  This is the point at which enough negativity has built up in the relationship such that the default perspective through which we interpret all interactions is negative.  In negative sentiment override, every remark begins to sound like criticism.  “It’s a beautiful day out” can land as “You lazy bum, why don’t you get off the couch and mow the lawn?”

In a marriage, you have to be able to complain.  It just goes with living with another human being that sometimes you need to be able to complain.  It is important to do this without criticism or contempt as these are particularly damaging to the relationship.  How to complain in healthy ways is a topic for another post.  This post is about the need to regularly express appreciation and do it well.  This is not optional.  For relationship health, you must affirm your partner.

It’s important to know how to express appreciation, and how not to.  No But Sandwiches.  Early on in therapy (usually during the first session), I will ask couples about their courtship, what it was about your partner that first attracted you, and what it was about your partner that caused you to say this is someone I could spend my life with.  If you have been in negative sentiment override for a long time, these can sometimes be difficult questions.  In distressed couples, it can become difficult to recall what it was you really loved and appreciated about your partner.  If you step out of the current distress and recall those early days, there are positive things you can appreciate about your partner.  When you give them voice, for your partner hearing appreciation can be like water to one who is dying of thirst.  If you have been hearing “you are a colossal disappointment” for a long time, hearing that your partner sees something good in you is hugely impactful.

A few years ago, The Love Dare was a popular self-help marriage book in Christian circles.  The premise was to provide a 40 day guide for how to make your partner feel loved unconditionally.  Day 1 is simply “Don’t Say Anything Negative Today.”  I had a client in a very distressed marriage try it out.  The next week she reported that by day 3 her husband was singing in the morning.  She had only gotten through applying the first two days from the love dare.  In our most intimate relationships, we thirst for some appreciation.  Getting it without the negative is transformational to the relationship and our sense of wellbeing.

Here’s my money saving tip.  You can save a lot of money on marital therapy (or alternatively divorce attorneys) if you get good at this.  When clients first come in for their second appointment, we start by debriefing on their progress during the week.  Often, one partner will notice the other partner making an effort to respond differently.  For illustration purposes, let’s say that the wife notices that the husband has been making an extra effort to engage with her in the evenings.  While I am highlighting the progress and exploring what this was like for the wife to have him more engaged, she’s in the mental kitchen preparing to serve up a but sandwich.  Behind the “but” is “It wasn’t enough” or “he just did it because you suggested it” or “why did you take 10 years to start paying attention to me?”  When the but sandwich gets served what does he hear?  It is not “I really see you trying, and it means so much to me to have you trying to connect with me.”  He hears, “You can’t win.  Whatever you do will never be enough.”

My grandmother used to say, “You can catch more flies with honey than you can vinegar.”  I am not particularly interested in catching flies, but Grandma’s point is well taken.  The sweetness will be much more helpful than the sour.

One final point here, “you’re great” is not a helpful affirmation and is likely to be perceived as disingenuous, particularly if the relationship has been characterized by negativity.  A helpful affirmation is more specific to positive traits you appreciate about your partner and the evidence of those traits.  “I appreciate how hard you work for our family,” is a much more helpful affirmation.  “I really appreciate how you did x, because you know it is important to me,” works well too.

Here’s the message.  Let your compliments be your compliments and your complaints be your complaints.  For relationship health, the positives need to outnumber the negatives by a 5:1 ratio.

[1] You can find the data in a number of books by John and Julie Gottman.

[2] I have always thought this number was way low.  I want way more than 5 positives from my wife before I am ready to hear the negative, but maybe that is just me.

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Men and the Illusion of Anger

Originally posted at: https://gentlepathmeadows.wordpress.com/2016/09/07/men-and-the-illusion-of-anger/

by Gentle Path at The Meadows

Note: The following is a partial transcript of a Facebook Live Presentation Dan Griffin, MA, Senior Fellow at The Meadows, did on August 26, 2016. You can find the recorded video version on his Facebook page.

First and foremost, let me be very clear about what I mean by “the illusion of men’s anger,” because I can already hear some people saying, “The illusion of men’s anger?! My father’s anger, my mother’s anger, my husband’s, my partner’s anger is not an illusion, Dan! It’s not an illusion when the person is yelling at me, it’s not an illusion when the person is hitting me, it’s not an illusion when the person is acting violently toward me.”

I absolutely agree with you. That is not the intention of this conversation.

The purpose of this conversation is to get at the root of what’s behind men’s anger and to share thoughts on how we can all interact with one another in a more authentic way.

This is a personal topic for me. I’ve been an “angry man.” I’ve had a lot of problems with anger. But, has anger really been the issue for me? That’s the question I really think all men should ask themselves if they want to be able to heal the impact that anger has had on their relationships—their relationship with self, their relationships with others, and their relationships with the community.

Anger Is a Mask

I am far from perfect in this practice, but I hope that what I’m learning about myself and my anger might be helpful for some of the men—and some of the women—out there.

The truth is I’m not angry.

I act angry, but often, what I really am feeling is fear. Or, I’m feeling insecure, or I’m dealing with other feelings and they are coming out as anger because I haven’t allowed myself to feel things or taken the time to process what’s really going on.

This is important because as men we are often backed into a corner with our feelings. We’re told that the only feeling that’s socially acceptable for us, the only one that you’re not going to be shamed for is anger. “Yeah, he’s angry, but at least he’s not crying like a little baby. “

He’s acting angry because there’s no space for him to talk about his fear.

Emotional Authenticity vs. Anger Management

Why does that matter? We talk a lot about anger management, and we talk about the problems men have with anger. I don’t think the solution to men’s problem with anger is teaching them “anger management.” I think the solution is helping them to have a better connection to self, better connections to others, and the space and permission for authentic emotional expression.

I care deeply about my relationships. But, I didn’t have the best model for how a man can be open and vulnerable in relationships so I’m still learning how to do that. What I’m beginning to realize is that anger has never really been the issue for me. The issue is how deeply I experience and feel things—how emotional I am, how quickly I feel sad, how quickly I feel afraid, how quickly I feel insecure. The more that I can stay true to those feeling and experiences, the easier it is for me to navigate.

Although, if I allow myself to feel afraid, and to express that to others, I still have to deal with the shame that comes along with the fear. Like a lot of men, I didn’t really have anybody when I was growing up who told me that it was okay for a man to feel afraid and that it was okay for a man to feel sad. So, I have to work through all of this shame and stuff I have in my head about that.

But, the more I feed my authentic self, the more the anger dissipates. That’s not “anger management;” that’s emotional congruence. It’s emotional authenticity. We don’t “manage” the anger. The anger just dissolves. The anger dissipates when it’s just smoke that hides my true self.

Permission to Be Your Authentic Self

So, for men, the challenge is for us to be able to find permission to be the men we really are.

Who are you? Who are you in each of your relationships, who are you in each of your experiences? Are you aware of how you’re feeling? Can you take a deep breath? Can you look below the surface of what’s beneath the anger?

When you feel the anger rising, can you stop before you say or do anything, and find the space to recognize your true feelings? If you feel afraid, can you say to yourself, “I feel afraid, and when I feel afraid I feel weak, and when I feel weak I feel ashamed?” And can you recognize that deciding what to do with those feelings is nobody’s problem but yours?

When I feel sad, I feel ashamed and I feel embarrassed. I feel like there’s something wrong with me as a man—but that’s not true. That’s the illusion of men’s anger.

Real Change is Possible

When men act out in anger there’s no illusion to it. It can destroy; it can hurt; it can damage. The illusion is us thinking that if we just manage men’s anger, it’s going to get better—that if we just create programs that are about men having to control their behavior, it’s going to get better.

Things will change when…

  • we raise boys to be open and authentic in how they express themselves,
  • we create safe places for men to be open and authentic in how they express themselves, and
  • we coach and support men in all their relationships to be the man that they desperately want to be.

If you struggle with anger, take some time to just take a deep breath and notice what other emotions are coming up. Find someone you trust that you can talk to about those challenges you are feeling on a regular basis. Someone who will understand when you say that you noticed how afraid you were feeling or how shame came up for you and will respond with compassion and understanding.

And then when you do act angry, you can go back and you clean it up because you took the time to reflect on what you were really feeling and to see the illusion of your anger.

It’s not about doing it perfectly, it’s about doing it consciously. That’s the gift.

Learn More with Dan

If you’re a mental health professional or clinician who’d like some tips on how to address the unique needs of men in trauma treatment, be sure to sign up for Dan’s FREE webinar on The Man Rules & The Principles of Recovery. It’s happening on September 14, 2016; 11 a.m. – 12:30 Pacific (2 p.m. to 4:30 p.m. Eastern).

If you’re a man in recovery, who’s ready to take it up a notch, and transform your experience of recovery register for A Man’s Way Retreat at the Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows. During the five-day intensive, Dan will lead you through activities, group sessions, and mindfulness exercises focused on taking your recovery – and your life – to the next level. The next session is coming up October 3 – 7, 2016. To register call 800-244-4949, and ask about the limited-time 25 percent discount offer!