For the sake of some of our members that may find this post triggering, I have edited the original letter in an attempt to remove triggering language.
I wasn’t sure if I could post this, but, I’ve always been honest in my blog and given you insight into how this journey has had such a profound impact on me. In sharing this, my hope is that it will help in my healing, it may help others and that maybe, some day, I can look back at it, and have closure. I gave this to my husband on Friday, November 30th. He has read it, though we haven’t talked about it in length yet. He took it in the manner I’d hoped and that is HUGE. I’m thankful for that.
This is how my husband’s infidelity has impacted me. I apologize for the length.
I’ve hesitated giving you this letter. Writing it has been a tremendous feat for me. Recounting these individual hurts has been overwhelming, yet the pain is as fresh as the moment they were inflicted on me. I know that reading this will cause you pain, but I want you to try to step away from that. I want to you put yourself in my place. Try to empathize with my feelings, and understand what it has been like for me. This isn’t about trying to hurt you, but to give you insight into my life for the past five years. Insight into my heart. Insight into my hell. I need you to understand what this has been like for me. It may take you more than one time of reading this to gain that understanding. You may not be able to read this all at once, and that’s ok. It’s taken me week to write this because at times, I could not go on further because it hurt too much. But, I need you to read this. To open your heart to me and know that even though this letter is harsh and raw, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I want you to keep this letter, for me. Put it somewhere safe, and read it any time you feel triggered, tempted or the slightest urge to go back to the behavior that got us here in the first place. I need you to fully comprehend what you did to me, to us and to our family.
When we got married 12 years ago, this is not what I envisioned for our future. I knew that we wouldn’t have a fairytale, I’m not that disillusioned, however, I never thought that you would be the one to hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt before. I never thought that you would have the ability to make me feel like I wanted to die just to escape the pain. I never imagined that you could be so cruel to me. It’s hard for me to know how much I love you and yet, at times, I hate you and what you’ve done to me, and our family. Our life together is tarnished forever. And the reality of that is so very hard for me to accept.
I know our marriage has never been perfect. I know that I’ve made many mistakes along the way, but my love for you has never wavered. I’ve never wanted to hurt you. There have been times that I’ve looked at you and I’ve loved you so much it has made me physically ache. I look at the children we’ve created together and I’m so thankful. I can’t ever imagine what my life could be without you in it.
And yet, at the same time, I can not imagine how and why you chose to abandon me and our marriage. Why you chose to break the vows that we said to each other on that beautiful September day twelve years ago. I don’t understand why…you chose yourself over our marriage. How you could lay next to me night after night, kiss me good-bye each day, go and screw someone else day after day, and then return to me and kiss me each night. How you were able to tell me that you loved me, knowing that you were saying those same words to another woman regardless if you meant them or not. I still don’t know who the real you is at times. The person with me…or the person you were with them. It feels like the person you were with them was the real you and that the person you were with me was just a persona you made yourself out to be, at least during those five years.
I remember right after you got fired and we were taking a walk one night and talking, that I said I didn’t know who you were. That I’d never seen you be so physically touchy feely with other people as you were describing to me that you were with the women at work, and not just the way that you were with your affair partners. And that upon realizing that’s what you were like regularly still shocks me. So were you hiding that side of yourself from me?
When I first began to realize that you had feelings for Melissa five years ago, I thought that was hard enough to overcome. I remember asking you several times if you had feelings for her. I remember thinking how strange it was that you told me not to worry that a “woman” may be calling you. That you tried to tell me how much we’d get along with each other. You told me so much about her and talked about her so much, it felt like you were trying to convince me to like her. And I find that so ironic, given that you were trying to have an affair with her. You wanted me to “approve” your potential affair partner.
Then when you finally admitted that you had feelings for her, you’d think that you would have done anything to prevent anything like that from happening again. We talked late into the night in the livingroom dissecting how something like that could have happened. You said you felt closer to me after that. More in love with me and that you’d never let something like that happen again.
Yet, it did. Just a matter of months later. SO easily. Without any thought of the consequences or impact that it would have on me or our marriage. When Tiffany told you that she wanted to have sex with you, you never even hesitated. I think that is what hurts me the most. It isn’t the amount of affairs that you had, the amount of women you were with, but the fact that you never hesitated. That it was so very easy for you. That I wasn’t a consideration at all. That our marriage wasn’t a deterrent for your affairs.
Tiffany told you that she wanted you and you leaped at that chance. I’m aware that you looked forward to it, anticipated it. That even though you had to come home and sleep next to me the night before you had sex with her, it was thoughts of being with her that you fell asleep to and not me. I also realize that you didn’t even consider NOT having sex with her. And I’m pretty sure at that time, you justified all the reasons you SHOULD have sex with her instead of the reasons why not. I remember you coming home and jumping into the shower immediately. I thought it was strange, but you played it off. And I dismissed my fears.
I often wonder if you felt any guilt. But knowing that you planned that day when you were with her to have sex again later that week? I doubt that you did. I’m fairly certain at that time…all you felt was excitement and anticipation of more.
I’ve pictured your office. I’ve imagined you and her in your office. [triggering language removed] But what stabs my heart is that…it wasn’t me. You gave yourself to her completely, in a way you had to no one else since we married. And you never once thought of me. In all our years of marriage, only I had been the one to have the pleasure of being with you…until Tiffany. As you finished and came on her stomach, everything pure between us was lost.
A few months later as I cared for you after your vasectomy, I had no idea that you were anticipating having sex with her again, before you had even healed fully. I didn’t know, that you would give yourself to her, before you were even able to with me. That you weren’t even worried about getting her pregnant, even though it was a likely possibility.
You trusted her those times you had sex with her. You trusted that she was clean, that she didn’t have any STD’s. It didn’t matter that she was willing to have sex with a married man. That she told you often over the phone about how she had or hadn’t been able to have sex with anyone else. That you knew she wasn’t exclusive to you. That you were not only risking your own health, but mine as well. Except, it was against my consent.
As a gift, she told you that Lourdes was infatuated with you. And that you should go for it. She even let you follow her to Lourdes’ apartment to a party. Where you were able to have your ego stroked while Lourdes couldn’t take her eyes off of you. Tiffany would call you and ask you if you’d hooked up with Lourdes yet. She encouraged a married man to have sex with yet another woman. And you? Craved that attention.
And then one day, Lourdes followed you into the storage area. I think in many ways, you knew it would happen, and probably encouraged it. I still don’t believe you’ve been fully truthful with me about that day. I can’t picture how she’d follow you in there and then just start touching you without any encouragement. But I guess it doesn’t really matter really. It happened. And you touched her back. And you…once again, never thought of me. You were excited that you were being pursued.
You’ve said that you don’t remember the first time that you had sex. I guess it’s hard when you were with her for over two years. I find it ironic what you can and can’t remember. You remember that you had sex about three times a week.
I also don’t believe you’ve been fully truthful with me about those times with her in her home or at work. I don’t believe your sexual encounters were as brief as you say, that you were as cold to her as you’ve said and that you weren’t interested in her pleasure or that she wasn’t as good as you’ve wanted me to think. I know you probably want me to believe this, because you don’t want to hurt me further, but instead it makes me feel like there are intimacies and secrets that you have with her. I do believe that you had stronger feelings for her than you’ve told me, at least for a time during the two plus years you were with her. I absolutely think that you had a relationship with her, and that you did everything possible to make her believe that you had feelings for her in effort to keep your relationship going for as long as it did. I don’t think it was as one-sided as you’ve said as for feelings. I don’t think you would have treated her as poorly as you’ve told me, because after all…you didn’t want to lose a “good employee” but I think it’s that you didn’t want to lose her.
I question how the relationship ended. I find it very hard to believe that you tried to end it and that she continued to tempt you and you just “gave in”. I also don’t think the relationship ended in January, but that it ended when I was in the hospital and she was fired. I know you and I know that you didn’t end any of your affairs on your own, so why would she be any different. I believe you are scared to death to tell me any of this, but if you were truly remorseful and had an invested interest in helping me heal completely, you would admit this to me.
After I found out about Gilma, you promised me that you loved me, that you didn’t want to end our marriage and you would never again hurt me in that way. You lied. You lied by omission and you lied by continuing your behavior. I think you put in the most minimal effort possible, but you still craved that attention you could get from those women. And when things were getting out of control and you were angry with me, you lashed out at me, both verbally and mentally, and then in the most harmful way you knew how, with Regina. I still question what happened with her, but is it worth trying to dig for more answers?
The year of false recovery that you put me through. The mental anguish and turmoil. I feared for your life last year Mr. Baker. I felt that I had no choice but to give you an ultimatum about going on meds and seeing a psychologist. I did it because I LOVED you. And yet, week after week, month after month you were still lying to me. Lying in therapy. Lying to the psychologist. You gave me false hope and you never changed your behavior. You continued to pursue Regina and then Jasmine.
I remember after you finally came clean to me after Jasmine you told me that as soon as you said those words to her, you knew it was a mistake and you instantly regretted it. But damn it Mr. Baker, why didn’t you know it beforehand? Or did you just not care? Or were you too selfish?
I remember when you said that you would be upset if you ever knew that you were “set up” and they were trying to get you fired. The sad thing is…I wondered if you realized that it was still YOU who put yourself in the situation even if it was a set up. YOU had control over that. YOU did not have to pursue her. So it is no one’s fault but your own. If you hadn’t made the choices you did in the first place, you would have never been in the situation to begin with.
All the porn discoveries, the promises that you’d never watch/look again, and then only to find out that you were. Realizing that you were looking daily, sometimes multiple times. Looking while you were at work. Late at night. On our kids computer. Lying, hiding, minimizing it. Thinking that I was stupid enough to not find out or realize it. Telling me over and over how you understood where I was coming from, and then not caring and continuing to look anyway. It made me feel inadequate and unworthy. That I would never be enough. That you prefered those images and video’s over me. My telling you how it reminded me of the sexual abuse I’d suffered growing up, and hearing you tell me that you couldn’t remember me saying that to you. Yet I did. Both alone and in therapy. Even Ms. Therapist remembered that, but my own husband couldn’t. Sometimes I wonder if you’re really even listening to me at all or just pretending to. You close your eyes, you drift off, jolt yourself back awake. And I realize over and over how little my words mean to you.
You gave me yeast infections more times than I can count. Bacterial vaginosis. And I had no idea. I kept thinking it had to do with my health issues and the amount of antibiotics I was on. Yet the only time I got them? Were within a day or two after you and I had sex. And realizing that makes me realize how EASY it would have been to infect me with any other sexually transmitted disease.
Do you realize how humiliating it was for me to go to the doctor and tell her why I had to have STD testing? That my husband was a serial cheater? That I went on Thing 5′s fifth birthday to do that. I will never forget that is how I spent my son’s birthday. To lay on a table completely exposed, humiliated and ashamed for something *I* did not do. Scared to death that something would come back positive. You put my health at risk against my consent! YOU DIDN’T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO KEEP ME SAFE! You exposed me to everything they could have had. You don’t even know if they were sleeping with other people. Every time I get the bill for $750 for the STD testing because insurance refused to cover it, it’s yet another reminder of how little you cared to consider me. You risked PREGNANCY and the possibility of another CHILD. YOU DIDN’T CARE about anything but getting off and getting your needs met. You were selfish, arrogant and stupid.
When you called me to tell me you’d been “let go” my world stopped. And even still, you were lying to me. I began to go right in to crisis mode, to find ways to keep our family afloat, and you…couldn’t even be man enough to tell me everything. You had to drag it out and put me through the worst pain that I’ve ever had to go through. For the first time in my life, I considered suicide. I would have rather died then to continue to feel the pain you were inflicting on me. The only reason I couldn’t was I needed to be here for my children. Because I knew you couldn’t be.
Day after day, something new would come out and the knife you put through my heart went deeper. And still, I stayed. I hoped and prayed that you would change. That you would be able to love me and our children enough to stop once and for all. And day after day, you disappointed me as you continued to lie to me. I knew you were lying. I could *feel* it. But you justified it within you and in your mind, you were more important.
So, I had to keep us together. Our family. I suffered.
I remember when I first found out about the rest of the women saying to you that the last five years of our marriage was based on a lie. You denied that. But, how can you deny that? Every single day you lied to me. Every day starting with the first time you asked Melissa to kiss you and didn’t tell me, you began to live a double life. When you first made the plan to have sex with Tiffany, anticipated it, imagined it and then, went through with it and made plans to do it again, you were lying to me. Every day you kept those secrets you were lying. When you began your relationship with Lourdes and you were sharing yourself with her in the most intimate way possible for over two years while laying with me every night, you were living a life based on lies. Having an affair with Gilma, telling her that you loved her while telling me you loved me, and lying to me every single day after I found out, was a marriage based on lies. “Coping” by being with Regina to justify your behavior, while lying to me and treating me like I was no better than a stranger on the street, actually worse, was a lie. Pursing Jasmine while “helping” me through the trauma of the feelings I was going through dealing with your infidelity were just more lies.
Yes, our marriage was based on lies that YOU told me for five years. You stole those five years from me. And there is no way to get them back. There is no way you will ever be able to convince me that those five years are anything but lies.
Every time I try to look back and think of a happy memory from those years, I can immediately associate something from your infidelity to them. Holiday’s, birthday’s, anniversaries, special moments, my health, our dates, even the memory of meeting my sister for the first time hurts. Our anniversary is so painful now. Because I don’t know that it meant anything to you for those five years. Was the day special? Or were you thinking of them? Did you have sex with them the day before? The day of? The day after? Because if you did, then *I*, was not special. But then…how could I be when you were not exclusive to me? You telling me that I was special means nothing to me during those five years when you were lying to me every day.
Thing 2′s birthday is the day you packed a suitcase to leave while I laid on the driveway sobbing wanting to die. Thing 5′s birthday is the day you told me in the wee morning hours about Tiffany and Lourdes, though most of it was lies and when I had to be tested for STD’s. I know Lourdes’ birthday was in the spring and that your affair started with Tiffany around April so it feels like Thing 4′s birthday is tainted. Father’s day is a horrible memory because Gilma gave you the necklace. Fourth of July is an awful memory for me as I can vividly see you in my mind texting Gilma and ignoring me and our kids. I’d love to write off the whole month of July if it weren’t for our kids’ birthdays. Our anniversary feels tainted because you didn’t treasure me or our vows. Your birthday, Lourdes gave you the watch. The watch you wore every day for HER. The watch you lied to me about and flaunted in my face. My birthday that went virtually ignored. The Christmases that I walked on eggshells hoping to keep you happy, and knowing now that you were with Regina to get back at me.
Taking care of you after your vasectomy…knowing now that you had PLANNED to have sex with Tiffany a week later. That you’d planned it in advance. God what a fool I was. Admitting to you about my pain medication and going to therapy for the first time that week…while you had sex with Tiffany. And I thought everything about our marriage was *MY* fault. If only *I* could change, then our marriage would be better.
Having Thing 1 ask me after you went back to work when I found out about Gilma, what were we fighting about, and asking what did she mean, and her asking if you had an affair. She was only 14. And when she asked me why you would do that, I had to tell her, “I don’t know” because I honestly didn’t. And then her having to know way more information than she should ever have to about infidelity because of the ripple effect it’s had on our family. It’s unfair to her. It’s a burden she will carry forever. Will she ever be able to trust a man because dad had affairs?
I know we’ve talked about a vow renewal and having a “new” anniversary date, but honestly…I have no idea what day that we could choose that wouldn’t bring up some reminder or trigger to me in some way. When is there a day that you weren’t possibly with them? The only possible timeframe that I can think of? Is either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day because I *know* you were home with me. But then I wonder too, did you contact Lourdes in some way to let her know you were thinking of her. WERE you thinking of her?
It’s also difficult for me to realize that other than me??? Your longest relationship ever…was with Lourdes. You’re mistress, your affair partner. How do I even begin to come to a place of acceptance of that?
You have no idea of the impact of your affairs has had on me. None.
Sometimes when you tell me that you never stopped loving me I want to break down inside. I think in my head…”If you loved me so much, then why did you abandon me? Why did you have the affairs? Why wasn’t I enough?” When you tell me I’m beautiful I cringe inwardly. I think to myself that I must not have been beautiful to you during your affairs. When you tell me I’m amazing I think, “Why did you cheat on me with so many women if I’m so amazing to you?”
Logically, I know it’s not about me. And it’s you. You’re broken. But I desperately want to understand why and how you could do this to me. Over and over and over. What did I do to you that was so bad to make you want to hurt me this way? What did I do in life that made me deserve this kind of karma?
I will forever compare myself to them. Even if you don’t, *I* will. I will always wonder if you think of them. If you remember them. If you imagine the sex with them. If you miss it. If you think back and remember it fondly. If I measure up. I will know that you criticized me for my lack of oral sex and that Lourdes gave them to you all the time. My breasts are so damaged and I know that their breasts are better than mine and I wonder if you miss them. If their bodies were better than mine. Their unscarred stomachs, thinner bodies.
Your affairs have caused me to question everything about myself. I am a shell of who I used to be. And I wonder if I will ever be able to be strong again. I feel like a failure in my life. I feel immense guilt. And I wonder why I put so much hard work into my marriage when you very well may just do this to me again. I mean honestly, I’d be a fool to trust that you wouldn’t. But yet, I’m to afraid to leave and find out what life would be like without you. I don’t WANT to leave, I want to believe you can change.
Infidelity is the worst kind of abuse I’ve ever endured. I will never be the same person that I was before. I will never trust anyone like I did before. I will always be wary of everyone. I will always be on high alert. I will never have the ability to just enjoy a day innocently again. I will forever be marred by what you’ve done.
I felt abandoned and rejected for those five years. My husband was stolen from me, my partner, my best friend, the father of my children. You were so selfish. We were an afterthought to you. We were an annoyance. A burden.
You affairs were an absolute rejection of me. What intimacy we did have, you treated me no better than a whore. You used me. You didn’t value me. And when you were done using me, you threw me aside and went back to ignoring me. I was so alone and isolated. I wanted nothing more but to be close to you, but you rejected me, day after day, month after month, year after year.
I remember one time after we had sex, I actually did feel so close to you that I cried. I look back on it now and realize it was probably only me that felt that closeness. Because how could you feel intimacy with me when you were sharing yourself with another woman at the same time.
I’ve always stood by you. During illness, difficult times, and through this. I’ve always been here. I’ve taken care of you when you’ve been ill, when you’ve been injured, when you’ve had surgery. I stood by your side last year when you needed to go on medication, when you went through your assessment, when you were afraid of the answers you were going to get. Last year when I found out about Gilma, and you were crying in my arms *I* comforted YOU. I even stayed next to you through all of this, when you got fired, when I found out why, and I supported and encouraged you to find another job, to keep trying to keep positive even though inside…I was dying. I was strong for you.
I suffer from anxiety and depression to a degree I’ve never dealt with before. I’m so overwhelmed that I feel like I’m falling into an abyss that I will never be able to crawl out from. I’m drowning and you’re holding a life vest just out of my reach. Will I ever come to a place where I can accept what you’ve done to me, to a place where I can heal enough that I feel “normal” again or will I forever be broken inside? I’ve felt humiliated by what you’ve done. Angry. Blindsided. I’ve felt like a fool because I trusted you implicitly. I put my heart into your hands and you threw it away.
My intention is not to shame you by this letter. It is to show you the immense impact that you’ve on me. How you’ve completely shattered me. It’s taken me weeks to write this, because at times I’m too overwhelmed to continue. But, as a part of my healing process, I believe that I need to do this, for me.
I will forever be scarred by this. The lies. The abandonment. The emotional abuse. The criticism. The times you treated me no better than a whore. It will take years for me to heal and even then I will never ever forget. The betrayal is overwhelming.
Last night I asked if you knew how much I loved you. The answer is, I love you so much that I allowed you to stay and I’ve given you another chance even after you’ve hurt me in the worst way possible.
I do love you Mr. Baker. More than you will ever know. I hope that you’ve punished me enough for what ever demons have been chasing you that are not mine and that I’ve proven my love to you by being able to love you even after all you’ve done to me.
It is up to you now, to prove your love for me.
I don’t even know if I will be able to give you this letter. I want to, so you can have true insight into my heart, but yet…I know it will hurt you…deeply. And part of me still wants to protect you and spare you from pain. Either way, I hope you know how much I love you, but do know, I will never ever let you do this to me again. I am putting everything I have into making our marriage work, but I’ve let you destroy me enough. I owe it to myself to draw that line and say I am worthy of so much more. I will never let you destroy me again.
I love you always, Samantha