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5 Toxins of the Tongue That Can Poison Your Marriage

SOURCE:  Mark Merrill

Toxic words poison, and sometimes even kill, relationships. Words like, “I hate you” or “I wish I never met you” can cause irreparable damage. I confess there have been too many times when harsh, harmful words have come out of my mouth toward my wife, Susan, my kids, and others. It grieves me. I’m continually working hard to choose my words wisely.

Here are five toxins of the tongue that we must work to avoid:

1. Sarcastic Words: Comments like, “The lawn isn’t going to mow itself,” or “Do I look like your maid?” seem like no big deal on the surface, right? But sarcastic words are sometimes just symptoms of an underlying unmet expectation that has frustrated a spouse for quite some time. They can be used as a cowardly way to “dig” at your husband and wife…poisoning slowly.

2. Unsupportive Words: Every husband and wife wants to know that they have their spouse in their corner cheering them on. When a spouse says things like, “That’s a crazy idea,” or “Do you really think you can do that?”…what they may really be saying is “I don’t believe in you,” or “I’m not on your team.” Now, that’s not to say you shouldn’t tell your spouse when you think they have a truly bad idea. But, instead of saying, “That’s the worst idea ever,” you could say, “That’s a great idea, but I feel like you would be better at this…” Supporting one another’s aspirations is essential to a happy and productive marriage. We should be our spouses #1 fan, not their biggest critic.

3. Disrespectful Words: Respect is not something that has to be earned. It should be given unconditionally in marriage. Disrespectful comments like, “Can’t you find a real job?”, “I don’t care what you say; I’m going to do it anyway”, and “You’ve really been putting on weight” are insulting, offensive, and can undermine a spouses sense of worth.

4. Comparing words: When saying things like, “Jonathan would do that for his wife” or “Why can’t you be more like Karen?” what you’re really communicating is “You don’t make the grade…you’re not good enough” as a husband or wife.

5. Selfish Words: “I don’t care how you feel, just get it done.” “I want that new dress.” “I need someone who really meets my needs.” Spouses who care more about themselves than their spouses often start their sentences with “I.” It’s all about their wants and their needs, rather than their mates.

Have any, or many, of these toxins of the tongue been injected into your marriage? If so, here are several antidotes you can use to counteract their effects.

  • Apologize to your spouse for all the poisonous things you’ve said to them over the years. Healing can only begin when toxins are removed. And in the case of verbal toxins, relationships begin to mend when couples ask for forgiveness from each other.
  • Be slow to speak. There’s an old adage that states you never regret what you never say. It’s okay to be quiet, reserved, and thoughtful about what comes out of your mouth…especially when you are upset.
  • Make a personal vow that toxic words will no longer come out of your mouth. Putting a post-it note by your bed or on your mirror can serve to remind you of your commitment. Give your spouse the freedom to inform you when toxicity starts to stream from your tongue.
  • These 10 Things Husbands Want to Hear from their Wives and 10 Things Wives Want to Hear from their Husbands can give you some ideas on how you can breathe life-giving words into your spouse. You were created to build each other up, not tear each other down.

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10 Strategies For Responding Effectively To Criticism

SOURCE:   Rachel Fintzy, MA, LMFT/PsychCentral

It’s generally not fun to be at the receiving end of criticism. Also, there’s no doubt that some criticism is mean-spirited, hostile, and not really meant to be helpful. However, often we can learn a lot from constructive criticism. The challenge is to resist becoming defensive, which reduces our chances of actually learning something from the situation.

Some tips for receiving critical feedback in effective ways:

  1. Respond calmly. Resist the impulse to jump in and begin defending yourself with an angry tone. Instead, take a few deep, slow breaths. Don’t talk over the other person, although this can be extremely difficult. When we feel cornered, which often happens if we perceive the other person to be attacking us, we can go into lashing-out mode. Instead, try to speak with measured and respectful tones, at a relatively slow pace. Try to keep bitterness out of your tone.
  2. Manage your anxiety. Watch your inner dialogue. What are you telling yourself about what the other person is saying? Are you lambasting yourself for “horrible” behavior? Are you catastrophizing, believing that all is lost concerning the professional or personal relationship? Or can you mentally and emotionally step back just a bit and reassure yourself that the other person probably (more on this below) has the best interests of your relationship (be it personal or professional) at heart?
  3. Determine whether the criticism is constructive in nature. This sort of helpful criticism generally contains specific and productive suggestions for change, and refrains from making global statements such as “you never” or “you always”. Constructive criticism often comes in a “sandwich” format, meaning that the initial statement consists of a positive comment, followed by the critical note, and concludes with another positive or encouraging sentence.
  4. Consider the source. Is the other person generally positive? Or are they mostly critical of others and tend to complain and push blame onto other people rather than focusing on possible solutions? If it appears to you that the other person is more of the “pointing-a-finger”, angry, and/or narcissistic type, try not to take their words personally. However, you could still look for a potential grain of truth in what they say. For instance, if they state, “You always make things more difficult than they have to be”, consider if in at least one instance you might have done so. You could respond with, “Yes, I wasn’t adequately prepared for our meeting last week and took more time than usual to explain our project’s status”. Or, if you can’t think of such an example, you could respectfully ask them to provide you with one, so you can understand their criticism more clearly.
  5. If you’ve decided that the criticism is constructive and that the other person has good intentions, try to lower your guard (again, easier said than done). Try to keep in mind that the feedback is meant to improve the situation and pave the way for better times to come.
  6. Try not to defend yourself and make excuses. Certainly you’ll want to offer an explanation if you’ve been accused of something you did not do. However, even in this case it helps to hear the other person out first, before asking if you could offer your perspective. People like to feel heard, and your accusing party is no exception.
  7. Make a plan for addressing the criticism. For example, if you’ve been told that your latest report contained a number of grammatical and numerical errors, state that you will spend more time reviewing your work, and possibly run it by a colleague, if appropriate, before turning it in. You could add that you welcome further feedback.
  8. Thank the other person for their feedback, especially they’re also being kind. It’s not easy to give constructive criticism, due to the potential of the receiving party feeling hurt, demoralized, or angry. Put yourself in their shoes. Showing appreciation to them can go a long way in contributing to a congenial and cooperative atmosphere, whether further helpful discussion can take place, now and in the future.
  9. Feedback can be a gift. Most of the time there is something to learn from the situation and to therefore be grateful for. Have you previously received similar feedback? How can you use this information to improve your performance at work, enhance your relationships, grow as a person, or all three?
  10. Don’t be too hard on yourself. None of us is perfect. None of us is a mistake. When someone points out areas in which you could use some more training, where you could be a bit more diligent or detail-oriented, or more aware of other people’s feelings, this is not an attack on your character as a whole.

Finally, stay confident. You have many strengths, and a thoughtful person would point these out as well. However, even if they don’t, try to remember your strong points and thus counter all-or-nothing thinking about your value as a person.

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Healing The Shame of Sexual Addiction

As humans, some of the most shameful experiences we have are those that involve our sexual selves. A single sexual event can bring such shame that it holds a person captive for a lifetime. It can deliver a devastating blow to a person’s sense of value and evoke tremendous pain and fear that results in isolation from others.

For those who are recovering from sexual addiction, this is especially true. Often the sexual behaviors that they have engaged in not only hurt other people, but also leave scars of shame that paralyze them, preventing them from finding the help they need. For many, they remain locked in a prison of isolation, keeping them from reaching out to their community or sharing their story with others.

In a recent Men’s Sexual Recovery Workshop, one of the participants (whose name will remain anonymous, but I will call him Jerry) approached me after a group session. All week Jerry had something on his mind. When I asked him what it was, he reluctantly described a sexual behavior that he engaged in when he was a teenager. I could see the visible signs of shame on his face and body posture. He was clearly in a lot of pain about this. He wanted to know if I thought he should share his experience with the group. He said, “I have never shared this with anyone, and I feel so horrible about it. I know these guys are safe, but there’s a part of me that is afraid of what they’ll think of me after they find out about it.”

I thanked him for sharing this experience with me and validated his reality. It makes sense that he would feel fear of judgment and rejection and have intense shame about it. One of the most common beliefs that those with a sexual addiction hold is that “no one would love me if they really knew me.” This is attached to the intense shame surrounding their sexual behaviors as well as their core belief that they are inherently bad and unlovable. I attempted to assure him that his fear was normal and reasonable. Given the nature of what he had done, it was quite possible that someone might look down on him for having behaved that way. However, what I also know is that most men in sexual addiction recovery come to the table with a whole list of sexual behaviors that they think are so egregious that no one could possibly understand, only to find out that they are not alone.

Those in recovery frequently have experiences similar to each other and share common feelings of shame, guilt, and fear. One of the most difficult but necessary tasks in recovery is to take a risk and open up to those in your circle of support. It often takes an enormous leap of faith and can feel extremely scary. But if this leap can be made, the rewards are plentiful. Shame begins to diminish, the weight of carrying secrets is lightened, the bond between recovery partners is strengthened, and the possibility for healing is realized.

After weighing the costs and benefits of sharing his experience, Jerry chose to take that leap of faith the next day. With his eyes locked firmly on the floor and tears flowing freely, he began to tell the members of the group what he had done. After a few moments of silence, another group member said in a somber voice, “Yeah, I’ve done that too”. At that moment, there was a palpable change in the room. It’s as if the toxic shame that Jerry had been carrying around for most of his life had vanished. He looked up at his fellow group member, a man he had only known for a mere four days and said “Really, you too?” after receiving a nod of confirmation, Jerry closed his eyes and took in a long breath, followed by a sigh of relief that seemed to symbolize an outward expression of the internal release he was experiencing. This was a moment of healing. Moments of healing, such as this one experienced by Jerry, are possible when someone remains in recovery with a community of support.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, the primary architect of the Gentle Path at The Meadows program, has said that group therapy is the most vital modality of treatment for sex addiction. I couldn’t agree more. There is only so much an individual therapist can do to help, and even a trained professional is limited in his or her ability to bring healing moments like this into the room. I have heard The Meadows Senior Fellow Dr. Tian Dayton explain that group therapy is a dynamic in which every group member becomes a therapeutic agent of the other. In this moment, I was not the agent of change, the group was.

Here at The Meadows, we prioritize group therapy for this very reason. Much more can be accomplished in a shorter amount of time when we work in a community than when we work alone. And for sex addiction, this is especially true. Paralyzing toxic shame, isolation, and withdrawal from relationship is the hallmark of sexual compulsion. The remedy is often the very thing most addicts are afraid of; connection with others. It can feel like the most harmful thing they could imagine, and many will flee from it as if it were the plague. Yet, for those who courageously push past the fear, healing and freedom from addiction can be found.

The Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows offers intensive workshops in a group setting for those who desire to find healing from the shame and isolation that keeps them stuck. If you would like to know more about our Men’s Sexual Recovery Workshop or any of our other workshops, contact our intake department at 1-800-244-4949.

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Is Sex Ruining Your Life?

Sounds like an odd question to ask, but for some people, this is a serious issue. Sex is a normal, satisfying experience for most human beings. We are programmed to want sex as a species. Many people even consider an abundance of sex to be a good thing. But too much of a good thing can be bad for you. How do you know when your sexual appetite has shifted from normal behavior to an addiction?

Fortunately, we have a simple quiz that you can take in the privacy of your home to help answer that question. Keep in mind that every person is unique, and you need to use your best judgment when self-evaluating. If you feel that you may be transitioning from a healthy lifestyle to one of excess, please give us a call. Our professionals understand what you are going through and can help you understand if Gentle Path at The Meadows is right for you.
Oh, and we aren’t going to ask you to share your results of this quiz on Facebook! This is completely confidential. We value your privacy and understand that this is a sensitive topic.

Click here to take the test shown below: Am I a Sex Addict?

SAST Test

The Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) is designed to assist in the assessment of sexually compulsive behavior which may indicate the presence of sex addiction. Developed in cooperation with hospitals, treatment programs, private therapists, and community groups, the SAST provides a profile of responses which help to discriminate between addictive and non-addictive behavior. Before starting this COMPLETELY CONFIDENTIAL assessment we need basic information in order to build your profile.
1. Please indicate gender:(*)
MaleFemale
2. Indicate Orientation:(*)
Heterosexual Bisexual Homosexual
Please answer “yes” to any of the following which apply:
3. I have no concerns about my sexual behavior but am curious how I would score.(*)
YesNo
4. I have no concerns about my sexual behavior but others are concerned.(*)
YesNo
5. I am having problems with my sexual behavior but do not consider myself a “sex addict.”(*)
Yes No
6. I know I am a sex addict.(*)
YesNo
7. I have sought therapy because of my sexual problems.(*)
YesNo
8. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?(*)
YesNo
9. Did your parents have trouble with sexual behavior?(*)
YesNo
10. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?(*)
YesNo
11. Do you feel that your sexual behavior is not normal?(*)
YesNo
12. Do you ever feel bad about your sexual behavior?(*)
YesNo
13. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family?(*)
YesNo
14. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like?(*)
YesNo
15. Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?(*)
YesNo
16. Are any of your sexual activities against the law?(*)
YesNo
17. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual activity and failed?(*)
YesNo
18. Do you hide some of your sexual behaviors from others?(*)
YesNo
19. Have you attempted to stop some parts of your sexual activity?(*)
YesNo
20. Have you felt degraded by your sexual behaviors?(*)
Yes No
21. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?(*)
YesNo
22. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire?(*)
YesNo
23. Have important parts of your life (such as job, family, friends, leisure activities) been neglected because you were spending too much time on sex?(*)
YesNo
24. Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are?(*)
YesNo
25. Is sex almost all you think about?(*)
YesNo
26. Has sex (or romantic fantasies) been a way for you to escape your problems?(*)
YesNo
27. Has sex become the most important thing in your life?(*)
YesNo
28. Are you in crisis over sexual matters?(*)
YesNo
29. Has the Internet created sexual problems for you?(*)
YesNo
30. Do you spend too much time online for sexual purposes?(*)
YesNo
31. Have you purchased services online for erotic purposes (sites for dating, pornography, fantasy and friend finder)?(*)
YesNo
32. Have you used the Internet to make romantic or erotic connections with people online?(*)
YesNo
33. Have people in your life been upset about your sexual activities online?(*)
YesNo
34. Have you attempted to stop your online sexual behaviors?(*)
YesNo
35. Have you subscribed to or regularly purchased or rented sexually explicit materials (magazines, videos, books or online pornography)?(*)
YesNo
36. Have you been sexual with minors?(*)
YesNo
37. Have you spent considerable time and money on strip clubs, adult bookstores and movie houses?(*)
YesNo
38. Have you engaged prostitutes and escorts to satisfy your sexual needs?(*)
YesNo
39. Have you spent considerable time surfing pornography online?(*)
YesNo
40. Have you used magazines, videos or online pornography even when there was considerable risk of being caught by family members who would be upset by your behavior?(*)
YesNo
41. Have you regularly purchased romantic novels or sexually explicit magazines?(*)
YesNo
42. Have stayed in romantic relationships after they became emotionally or physically abusive?(*)
YesNo
43. Have you traded sex for money or gifts?(*)
YesNo
44. Have you maintained multiple romantic or sexual relationships at the same time?(*)
YesNo
45. After sexually acting out, do you sometimes refrain from all sex for a significant period?(*)
YesNo
46. Have you regularly engaged in sadomasochistic behavior?(*)
YesNo
47. Do you visit sexual bath-houses, sex clubs or adult video/bookstores as part of your regular sexual activity?(*)
YesNo
48. Have you engaged in unsafe or “risky” sex even though you knew it could cause you harm?(*)
YesNo
49. Have you cruised public restrooms, rest areas or parks looking for sex with strangers?(*)
YesNo
50. Do you believe casual or anonymous sex has kept you from having more long-term intimate relationships?(*)
YesNo
51. Has your sexual behavior put you at risk for arrest for lewd conduct or public indecency?(*)
YesNo
52. Have you been paid for sex?(*)
YesNo

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30 Reasons Why People Lie

SOURCE:  Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC/PsychCentral

Rebecca is a middle school English teacher. Previously she worked in a local public school but was frustrated by the number of daily lies from her students. Thinking the private school environment would be better, she switched. But what she found was even more creative lies that her students would tell her.

One day she decided to count the number of deceptions she heard. Much to her surprise, it wasn’t just the students who were deceitful but the administration, other teachers and parents as well. In all, she counted over 50 lies in one day. This lead to generating a list of the different types of deceit. Here is her list of reasons why people lie.

  1. Defensive: The most common reason for lying is to self-protect. There might be a real consequence or a perceived one that a person is trying to defend themselves against.
  2. Vindictive: Some people lie intentionally to cause harm to others because they feel harmed by that person. It is a way of getting back at another person.
  3. Disappointment: In order to avoid disappointing another person or even themselves, a lie might be told. The uncomfortable feeling of disappointment justifies the deception.
  4. Manipulate: An abusive person constantly lies in order to continue their manipulation. If the truth came out, the abused might leave.
  5. Intimidated: Sometimes a lie is done because the person feels intimidated by others. Again, this feeling of inferiority is so uncomfortable that they lie to cover it up.
  6. Attention-seeking: Unfortunately, there are people who lie just to get the attention of other people. The irony is that most of them don’t know what to do with the attention when they do get it.
  7. Curiosity: This is a very childlike behavior that some adults don’t grow out of. Instead, they lie just to see what will happen regardless of the harm it might cause others.
  8. Superior: For those with a larger than life ego and in order to maintain their superiority, they lie to make themselves look better than others.
  9. Avoid: Some lies are done to get out of trouble or avoid any consequences. This is especially true with children.
  10. Cover: Some people wear a mask and pretend to be something they are not. To maintain their appearances, they lie to cover up any attempt at revealing the real person.
  11. Control: Sadly, sometimes it all comes down to control. In an effort to control another person’s behavior, a lie is told.
  12. Procrastinate: Passive-aggressively avoiding responsibilities is procrastination. This lie is more subtle in that the person knows they should be doing something but is intentionally putting it off.
  13. Bored: Some people like drama in their lives. So they lie to stir it up and watch the reactions of other people.
  14. Protect: There are some lies that are done to protect others. In some cases, a lie is told to take on responsibility for things they are not responsible for in an effort to help someone else.
  15. Habit: After a period of time and done constantly enough, bad habits can form. This is true for some lies that are said over and over.
  16. Fun: Some people lie as their form of private entertainment. For them, lying is fun because they like to watch how others respond.
  17. Desire: A person who wants a lie to be the truth has a deep desire to believe their misperception.
  18. Harm: People who want to harm others undecided, lie about who they are and what they are doing. This is a common tactic during the abduction of others.
  19. Sympathy: Similar to attention-seeking, a person is trying to get empathy from others by lying about a past or current event.
  20. Lazy: On occasion, a lie boils down to a person being lazy and not wanting to do the work, so they lie about it.
  21. Indifference: If a point or issue doesn’t matter to a person, they might lie about it and not see anything wrong with their deception.
  22. Perception: Some people believe their own lie. Their perception of reality is not accurate so in their eyes, it’s not a lie.
  23. Elevate: A person might want to elevate themselves to another person’s level high morality, strong work ethic, or perfectionistic standards, so they lie to lift themselves up.
  24. Impress: As a way of trying to impress others and cause a better impression, a person might lie about who they are, what they have done, or where they are going.
  25. Covet: When a person wants what other have, they covet the item or person and lie about their jealousy.
  26. Minimize: As a way of reducing the damage, harm, or consequences that might otherwise occur, a person minimizes the truth in their lie.
  27. Maximize: On the opposite end, a person might exaggerate their lie and make things worse than what it really is.
  28. Suppress: In an effort to cover up a problem, a person might suppress the truth. This lie is intentional.
  29. Deny: Not every person who doesn’t want something to exist by denying the reality, is lying intentionally. Sometimes this is an unintentional.
  30. Hide: A person might hide themselves, others, or things and lie about doing so as a way to avoid accountability. This is commonly done in conjunction with addictive behavior.

For Rebecca, understanding why a person lies helped her to identify the behavior and more accurately address the underlying issues. She took her frustration of experiencing the lies and turned it into a greater awareness of knowledge and discernment.