CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 4

In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 1 I openly discussed the issue with excessive lustful thoughts and self-gratification (masturbation).  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 2 I go one level deeper into the viewing of pornography and its effects on the brain and how an addiction can quickly form.  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 3, I went further “down the scale” of sexual purity and looked at situations where a man has crossed the “flesh line” so to speak.  In Part 4, I address the topic question and also address the partners of men who struggle with sexual purity issues.

Question:  Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery, Is it for you?

Answer: ABSOLUTELY!

Regardless of what stage of sexual impurity you might be in as a man, entering a proper support program is essential!

FOR THE WIVES/PARTNERS:

Question: Does my husband/partner struggle with sexual purity issues?

Answer: As a man, there is a strong possibility he does.

Remember the therapist joke in Part 1?  “80% of men struggle with some sort of sexual purity issue and the 20% that say they do not, are lying.” There is a lot of truth to this “joke.”

In today’s sex-charged culture, more and more men are being tempted sexually.  Next time you are at the grocery store, look at the cover or inside the magazines marketed toward men.  Watch a sporting event on TV and you can see how advertisers “know” how to grab a man’s attention! How about the increase in “Sports Bars & Grills” where waitresses wear skimpy outfits?  Who do you think is their target market group? (And men, these types of restaurants are NOT ok.  If you visit one of these restaurants, it had better be your wife’s choice and you better be facing out the window!)    The objectification of women has been normalized in our culture!

Please understand, however, that the amount of sexual purity with which your husband will struggle will vary.  It may only be a struggle with lustful thoughts and fantasies, but it could also be a lot more.  The key is, to allow your husband to seek support for any sexual purity issues he may have in his life.  If he only struggles with “minor” lustful thoughts and actions, it is imperative that he begin receiving support before he moves on to another level of sexual purity struggle!  If he struggles with more, he will find the help and support he needs to become courageous enough to step out of the shadows and into the light.

Ladies, DO NOT shame your husband because he is seeking help with his sexual purity struggles!  It takes a lot more courage to open up and say, “I might have a problem” than to keep it a secret and act as if nothing is wrong.

Ladies, ask your husband if he struggles with any type of sexual purity.  His answer, at a minimum, better be “sometimes or once in a while” even if he does not look at pornography or has had sex outside the marriage!  If he responds, “NO or Not at all” then he is not being truly honest.  And yes, having lustful thoughts is considered a sexual purity struggle.

Ladies, be open and honest about sexuality with your husband.  Don’t shame him for wanting to be sexual with you (and husbands, don’t shame your wife because she doesn’t).  Open a dialog about both of your thoughts and feelings on sex within the marriage.  If there are extreme differences, then a third party (such as a pastor or counselor) should be brought in to mediate, ascertain, and give godly advice to both of you.

Ladies, if your husband plans to attend a Castimonia meeting, DO NOT assume he is visiting sexually oriented businesses, viewing pornography, masturbating, having an affair, or is a “Sex Addict.”  Understand that Castimonia meetings are for any man that struggles with any type of sexual purity!  You, the wife, should be encouraging your husband to attend.

At Castimonia meetings we learn tools that help us combat sexual purity issues.  We learn about what real intimacy is between a husband and wife – not just physical, but, more importantly, emotional and spiritual intimacy.   We learn to be open, honest, and intimate with other men and use these men to support us in our battle against sexual temptation and sexual impurity.  We learn to be a “team” of warriors and not isolate ourselves.  This is where the enemy wants us; alone!

So next time a Castimonia meeting is being held, wives, you need ask your husband, if they have not attended, why they are NOT going to the meeting.  Encourage them to reject passivity on the subject of sexual purity and seek to be the sexually pure men that God wants them to be.  Encourage them to lead courageously and be the spiritual leaders of your household as well as have the courage to speak to your children now or in the future about healthy sexuality.   And enourage them to learn how to be truly intimate and love you in ways that are healthy!

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This question has been asked by many men who come to my group.  To be honest, I can’t read their minds, nor do I know their backgrounds or sexual history until they give their First Step.  There are also men who come to my group that are not sex addicts but only struggle with sexual purity issues.  How does a man who attends Castimonia determine if they might be a sex addict?

Below is a link to the Sex Addiction Screening Test used by many therapist in the field of Sex Addiction.  It is hosted on sexhelp.com and is an initial test that may answer the question, “Am I a Sex Addict?”

The SAST is an initial assessment test for people with potentially addictive behaviors. It provides a profile of responses that help distinguish between addictive and non-addictive behaviors. It was developed in cooperation with hospitals, treatment programs, private therapists and community groups.

Take a few moments to complete this cost-free, no-obligation questionnaire.

Please be an open and honest as possible when taking this test.  The more open and honest you are about your sexual behaviors, the more accurate the results will be.

Sex Addiction Screening Test

For other information on finding a therapist or general information, please visit:

SexHelp.com – Get Help For Sex Addiction

If you scored in the “Addict” level on this test, I would recommend seeing a professional sex addiction specialist therapist.

https://castimonia.org/2012/04/16/am-i-a-sex-addict/

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Online Porn Is Huge. Like Really, Really Huge. Who Knew?

For the sake of our Castimonia members, I have deleted links and actual site names from this BusinessWeek article.  I do not want to trigger them.  These stats reinforce a statement in my Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 2 post on 30% of all internet traffic is porn-related.

By  Ashlee Vanceon April 05, 2012

The good folks at ExtremeTech took it upon themselves this week to get at one of the Internet’s crucial questions—just how big are porn sites these days? The answer? ***** big. To study porn sites, ExtremeTech turned to the DoubleClick Ad Planner tool from Google (GOOG). It’s a useful website where you can peek at information gathered by ad-serving cookies about how much traffic a website gets, the age and income of visitors, and the amount of time people spend on a site.

According to this tool, the online porn kingpin X****** feeds up 4.4 billion page views per month. That’s about 10 times as many as the New York Times and three times as many as CNN.com. Y******—another site packed full of stimulating content—notches 2.1 billion page views per month. And while people spend a few minutes per day on news sites, they tend to spend 15 minutes or more on porn sites, which would seem to say something rather definitive about, er, male stamina.

“But it’s not just men on the sites,” you shout. True, although the top porn sites count men as about 75 percent of their visitors. Breaking the stats down further, about half of the visitors make between $25,000 and $50,000 per year, while only 2 percent earn more than $150,000 per year. According to Google, the other interests of X****** visitors include Latin American music and gangs and organized crime, while Y****** visitors like networking equipment and family films, so it’s an eclectic bunch.

While anyone can dig through these numbers, ExtremeTech did a nice job of adding some context to the incredible amount of data served up by porn sites. According to the Google estimates, X****** would record “29 petabytes of data transferred every month, or 50 gigabytes per second. That’s about 25,000 times more than your home Internet connection is probably capable of, which is a couple of megabytes per second.” Sliced another way, X****** will “serve up 50 gigabytes per second, or 400Gbps,” ExtremeTech writes. “Bear in mind this is an average data rate, too: At peak time, X****** might burst to 1,000Gbps (1Tbps) or more. To put this into perspective, there’s only about 15Tbps of connectivity between London and New York.”

Someone at Y****** chatted with ExtremeTech and said the Google estimates are way below actual totals. Y****** stores more than 100TB of porn and feeds up about 28 petabytes per month.

These types of figures put the top porn sites in a class that only Microsoft (MSFT), Google, and Facebook really surpass. My takeaway from this is that companies such as Dell (DELL) and Cisco Systems (CSCO) make a ton of money selling gear to the top porn sites and that these companies must have some very savvy engineers.