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Could you be a virtual abuser?

http://therapy-space.org/2013/09/11/could-you-be-a-virtual-abuser/

Back in spring, PRUK talked to an ex-porn star via Skype about her time in the industry. (We hope soon to bring you an article from D, who has a huge amount of insider knowledge that she has shared with us.) There was one sentence in particular during our conversation with her that struck us deeply at PRUK: ‘You’ll not be able to tell it if you’re watching my movies, but in 4 of them I was raped …’.

The appalling situation D found herself in is echoed with traumatic content on the users side of the fence as well. Dave, a mid-30s professional man says: ‘You are watching videos – one minute it’s sex that you are watching […] there are some real smiles, you can see the person’s getting off on the sex, if you look close. [But] if you graze the Internet for porn like I did, and if you look really close at the faces of the actresses and actors, you’ll find a new danger holds you. Is that really ecstasy? Does that person really want to be rammed that hard? Did the woman/man spanking her/him actually stop at pleasure or was that abuse you just watched?’

From our conversations with people in the porn industry (performers, telephone sexline workers, filmmakers – and add that to all the problem users who have made contact), it is clear that porn is too much of a catch-all term. The erotic, sensual and pleasurable can be found on many of the thousands of websites full of adult, pornographic material. In the UK, R18-labeled fully legal pornographic material sold on DVD can be much more disturbing than many clips you might find on the web. So, and regardless of the platform porn is being viewed on, do we ever know what we are really watching? How consensual was that sex scene that made you feel uncomfortable? D and Dave both lead us to the conclusion that many people must be passively consuming abuse, and if you watch porn this should concern you – really concern you.

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Count Vicegrim’s Letters: Chapter 10 Graduation

The Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 24th Year

My Dear Mudpot,

I’m going to regret saying this. I know I will. You are making real progress Mudpot.

Don’t make me regret that.

So lets get to your review.

Successes

I have to say I never expected the success you are having with causing depression in your patient. It seems that he is prone to depression and you have a gift for causing it. In a way, this is a real failure of yours because you waited so long to exploit it. Hopefully you didn’t wait too long.

It is so delightful that you were able to drive him back to pornography in his depression. It is so delightful to see the vermin medicate their pain with sexual images. The short term relief he feels when looking at the images will only drive him deeper into despair. I want to caution you on beating on his conscience too hard. It has the potential to drive him deeper into his depression but it also could drive him to repentance.

It is far better to find a way to burn his conscience out. Try to work our old staple conscience killers like “Nobody’s getting hurt” and “God would want me to be happy.” He is in a culture that sees no problem with pornographic images but scandalizes sexual affairs (I still can’t figure out how the Western Culture Department pulled that off). If we can destroy his conscience, we have almost won.

As he heads to his seminary graduation, it is important that he be driven deeper into a double life. Seminaries are well designed for encouraging a double life and the seminary he attends is even better suited than most. He is intellectually sharp and the faculty is much more interested in a strong theological argument and being culturally savvy than they are in being morally right.

It makes me chuckle as I write this. Mudpot, this is when our job gets fun.

These months leading up to graduation are crucial. If you can get him back into the slow spiral downward now, I suspect you will be able to continue it into whatever church work he has afterward. There is a real opportunity to neuter him.

But the risks are great. Should he be recovered by the Enemy’s Spirit, he will be much more dangerous. He will sympathize with sinners and yet struggle to resist his own sin. A vermin with his potential could be…I don’t want to think about it.

Pull out all the stops to get him to become sexually involved with another female vermin. Your work driving a wedge between him and his wife has been most fruitful. With them having sex less often, there will be more opportunity for temptation. Be ready.

Your work using his depression to drive him into video games, very good. I am more old school than that. Video gaming has never been my favorite temptation. Maybe I need to modernize a bit. Obviously it has been very effective with your patient. He is failing to carry out his responsibilities and then complains when his wife notices and brings it up. You are masterful in guiding him to use words like “controlling” and “nitpicking” and yet he avoids working on the fact that he is lazy. It is lovely to see.

Failures

I am pleased to say that these are fewer than in previous years. They are still serious and need addressing.

Remember that even thought you are having success with overwhelming him, he is still in a seminary and there is still a great deal of the Enemy’s Book around. He is often reading the book and the Enemy’s Spirit can, at any time, use those word to crush you. As much as you can, keep your patient away from the Enemy’s Book.

Additionally, you seem cavalier about the Enemy’s Spirit. He is smarter and much stronger than you are. He is patient and cunning. He is merciless and cruel. He will surprise you and overwhelm you. Be prepared for him. If there is one thing I have learned in my millennia of  work it is that he is never to be underestimated. Be very cautious and vigilant. Watch for his subtle movements and be ready to battle them.

Finally, be very aware that your patient is still claimed by the Enemy. There is nothing you can do to change that. It is not in our power to win him back. There are always plan to find a way to reclaim a vermin that the Enemy has taken, but for now, we cannot do it. The Enemy may have plans for this High Risk that we can’t anticipate.

Overall, your work is good. Don’t screw it up.

-Count Vicegrim

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How Can You Help a Friend Who Relapses?

http://porntopurity.com/blog/2013/09/04/how-can-you-help-a-friend-who-relapses/

by Jeff Fisher on September 4, 2013

RESTORE, DON’T BERATE

One of the worst things, but also the most common, is to berate the addict for lying to them or not being open with them. The last thing the addict needs is to have even more guilt and shame flung on him. He has enough of his own already and if he is married he will likely be hit with more than he can handle. Restoration is the job of the group/accountability partners. Getting him  back on track in recovery and helping him get rid of the things he has built up to facilitate acting out is essential. Grace and compassion are needed regardless of how hurt we may feel as accountability partners. We have been wounded by the addict but we MUST put our own hurts aside and show them the love and mercy that in Christ, God has shown us.

HELP HIM REBUILD

Once we have helped the addict get back into recovery we have to work on getting him out of the addictive lifestyle that he has rebuilt. This is a difficult stage as the addict has very strong emotional ties to these things and may be angry at any attempt to disrupt his carefully planned rituals but it MUST happen for him to be free. A greater level of accountability is necessary after a relapse. The addict should be willing to meet with someone (AP, group, counselor) at least 3 times a week but 4-5 is even better. Getting them into a lifestyle of accountability will help them get out of the addictive lifestyle.

As an AP you should be aware that just because an addict has come forward and been open with his acting out/relapse it does not mean that he is free from it. He has spent a lot of time building up his addictive life and is very protective of it. Wisdom and insight are required as well as a firm, loving hand. Don’t be fooled and don’t be harsh. Also, don’t let your own feelings get in the way.

ENCOURAGE AND ACCEPT

Discouragement and a sense of failure are huge for someone who has been in recovery for a long time and then slips. Having been in this very situation in my own recovery more than once I can say that the most effective thing someone did for me was encourage me. Addicts already feel inadequate and rejection only helps feed the addiction. Acceptance and encouragement make a world of difference.

Spending time with him afterwards and talking about what setup the slip and what triggers were present will help him be aware of them next time he is tempted.

Be available for the addict to contact you when he is feeling tempted. Let him know that he can call or e-mail you whenever he feels weak. Pray for him regularly and encourage him.

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Relapse, Redemption, & Victory – VIDEO

Continuing the theme of “300: Rise of an Empire” I found another subtheme in this movie.  Although not really impressed with the movie as a whole and how Hollywood has distorted history and also added a completely fabricated and unnecessary sexual scene to this movie, I thought it had some deeper recovery-related gems.  For those that don’t know much about this movie (and I don’t expect those early in their recovery to watch the entire movie) here is a summary from Wikipedia:

Based on Frank Miller’s latest graphic novel Xerxes, and told in the breathtaking visual style of the blockbuster “300,” this new chapter of the epic saga takes the action to a fresh battlefield-on the sea-as Greek general Themistocles attempts to unite all of Greece by leading the charge that will change the course of the war. This film pits Themistocles against the massive invading Persian forces led by mortal-turned-god Xerxes, and Artemisia, vengeful commander of the Persian navy.

Nevertheless, in watching this movie, I did pick up on  the recovery-related themes.  Maybe it was me trying to find some sort of redemptive quality in a poorly made movie, or maybe it was the Holy Spirit saying to me, “use this material, men will ‘listen’ when you speak to them through these films.”  I don’t know which one it was, but I’m hoping it was the latter.  The second subtheme I saw in this movie is that of a man falling into unhealthy behaviors, admitting his mess, being redeemed as he reenters recovery, and having victory over his addiction (at least for one day). In 300: Rise of an Empire, the leader of the Greek forces, Themistocles, falls into sexual sin with the Persian Naval Commander, Artemisia. He lies about his personal life in order to continue with the acting out (as I did in my former life) and then suffers the consequences of his sexually immoral actions by angering Artemisia and having most of his men killed in battle.  Nevertheless, Themistocles admits that he messed up, rallies his troops for one final battle, and “re-enters recovery” by fighting against the “addiction” (portrayed by Artemisia) once again.  This movie should be a good reminder to those in recovery that no matter how bad you have messed up, that God can redeem you, but you need to practice rigorous honesty, risking everything, to re-enter recovery.  If you slip or relapse, it is important that you are honest about this and not keep it secret.  Secrets are what make the addiction thrive, confession is the only way through.

Disclaimer: Although tempted to watch the original movie from where this clip was taken, a person new to recovery should consult their therapist, sponsor, and/or accountability partner on whether to watch this film.  It has a sex scene with some partial nudity that could sexually trigger the individual. Also, the excessive violence (some of which I removed from this clip) can be harmful to your recovery if you are like I was early on; prone to medicate the viewing of violence and associated guilt.
As always, take what you like and leave the rest.
FAIR USE NOTICE: This video may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for purposes such as criticism, comment, teaching, & education, etc. This constitutes a ’fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! All trademarks and copyrights remain the property of their owners.

 

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Shame Recovery

“An injury to one’s sense of self forges some bonds.  The self-injury becomes part of the fabric of the relationship and further disrupts the natural unfolding of the self.  When this involves terror of any sort, an emptiness forms at the core of the person and the self becomes inconsolable.  No addiction can fill it.  Not denial of self will restore it.  No single gesture will be believable.  Only a profound sens of the human community caring for the self can seal up this hole.  We call this wound shame.

“This part of your recovery agenda looks at how the relationship forced you to devalue the self, and plans for self-restoration to the human community.  Start by making a list of how the relationship devalued you.  Think of  times you felt unworthy, embarrassed, flawed or ashamed.  Make a list of ten sources of shame in the relationship.” – Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. in Betrayal Bond

Shame recovery is hard.  We get used to hurting ourselves then get into relationships that are harmful.