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Humility

By Keith B., NotUnknown.com

I grew up in rural south Mississippi in the 70’s and 80’s. Recognition and self worth came from prowess in football, baseball, basketball…any sport. Sixty percent of the males in my class tried out for football. Five percent or less signed up for advanced math or qualified for the honor society or sang in the choir or auditioned for school plays. I ached to achieve in sports. Unfortunately, my physical gifts remained limited to above the neck. My football coach accurately captured my potential this way:

“Son, you are blessed to be a dual threat athlete…short AND slow.”

Obviously, seeking my identity from sports accolades wasn’t an option. Academics and intelligence became my currency for self worth.

I sought attention by identifying as an intellectual. Not a popular option in my small town. Self worth tied to what I knew and how I achieved. I felt superior from being smarter, making better grades, reading voraciously. My pride in my intelligence manifested as self made not God made. I took on the characteristics of a Pharisee, identifying obscure and unimportant positions I could lord over others.

Like the Pharisees, I intellectually understood who God was and what “belonging to God” meant. I professed to follow Him. Openly claimed I had ceded my life and will to Him. I knew Him. Like I knew the authors of the books I read…William Faulkner, Stephen King, John Grisham, Tom Clancy. I knew them. Only…like God…they didn’t know me.

Step 7 says “We humbly ask Him to remove all our shortcomings.”

To be ready for this step, I first had to learn what that word meant…humbly. Humility is defined as being unpretentious in comparison to someone else. Not a word that had been used to define me throughout most of my life. After my own rock bottom, pride was one of the character defects that God immediately removed from my life. I believed that my own importance was below everyone else. Exactly the opposite of where I had been before. I went from thinking my own importance was above everyone to believing I was the lowest on earth.

James 4:10 reminds me to “humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up.” God made me who I am. When I am living out His purpose in my life, I am making the most of the gifts and talents He gave me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. I am not the lowest on earth. But I have to humble myself before Him…truly submit to Him. In doing so, I am giving Him dominion over my life, asking Him to remove my flaws, and to allow me to use the assets He created in me.

God made you. Have you submitted to Him, asking Him to remove your junk? To highlight your gifts and talents He gave you? Are you stepping into His purpose for your life?

Humility isn’t the absence of strength or pride. Its submitting to the one who gives you strength, who created you in His own image, and who has a true purpose for you.

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Repeated Exposure to Porn in Childhood Increases Risk of Sex Addiction

By Joe Turner

In a world which is becoming increasingly reliant on the internet, exposure to the explicit sexual content lurking in its dark corner is inevitable. The fact that we have a world of information at our fingertips is as harmful as it is useful, especially to curious youngsters who are just beginning to become aware of their sexuality.

Recent studies have found that a person’s first exposure to pornography happens at around age 11, with 93 percent of boys and 62 percent of girls being exposed to explicit materials before the age of 18. Studies also show that the young adult demographic regularly views pornography. Around 66 percent of young men and 18 percent of young women consume adult materials a minimum of once per week—likely more.

These statistics are strikingly different from previous years; a fact we can attribute to the modern accessibility of online pornography. No longer are adult materials only available on top shelves of grocery stores or in the back rooms of video stores; instead, they are only a few clicks away. Furthermore, it is not only the nudity associated with magazines like Playboy that is readily available online, but also depictions of explicit sexual acts.

Countless personal accounts have stated that early exposure to pornography on a brain which isn’t sexually mature can have crippling effects. Two-thirds of college students have stated that they feel that watching porn can be a healthy way of “exploring their sexuality.” But, what many don’t realize is that these can have a powerful, subconscious, neurobiological effect on their brains.

How Porn Hot-Wires the Brain

Pornography is highly addictive for a number of reasons. First, sexual arousal (from pornography or other sources) releases multiple chemicals into the brain, most notably dopamine and endorphins. These chemicals provide a sense of pleasure, craving, and a powerful emotional high on which one can become dependent. Additionally, oxytocin and vasopressin are fed to the brain; chemicals which “bind” a person’s sexual desire to the object which provided their stimulation.

This process is ideal when one engages in sexual activity with their partner. When we experience these highs as a pair then come to relate one another with the pleasurable experience over time, we begin to form a natural bond.

However, regular pornography viewing “hot-wires” this process. Instead of forming a connection to a person, the connection is formed to the act of viewing porn. Your brain recalls how and where this high was achieved, so whenever you desire sexual release, your brain itches for pornography again.

Furthermore, pornography provides an abnormal amount of dopamine to the brain; significantly more than sexual intercourse provides. When the dopamine surge subsides, the brain craves the same amount of dopamine it had taken previously to achieve the high. However, it becomes more difficult to reach the required levels without seeking out more intense pornography. This means that the viewing of “ordinary” sexual acts begins to fail to produce the same high, forcing the viewer to become involved in an endless cycle of acquiring more and more extreme pornographic material.

These skewed expectations of sexual pleasure can lead to various problems, especially at such a young age. At a time in one’s life when a person is not mentally developed enough to understand that pornography is not representative of reality, this ‘normalizes’ pornography into being the default. There are also multiple peer-related factors which lead young adults to perceive pornography as “normal.” (i.e., “everyone is doing it in pornography, therefore this must be what normal sex/relationships are like.”) It also creates an exaggerated perception of how much promiscuous sexual activity takes place in reality.

Pornography’s Impact on Young Adult Relationships

When a young adult who has been exposed to intense pornography eventually matures to the point that they want to begin dating romantically and forming romantic attachments to people, their preconceptions about what such relationships entail will likely be entirely distorted.

Pornography rarely depicts any kind of meaningful relationship as a pre-condition to sex. It reduces relationships down its primal form: sexual activity without any kind of emotional connection. This can cause:

  • The belief that sexual promiscuity is commonplace.
  • A lack of interest in remaining monogamous with one partner.
  • Sexual objectification of people or persons.
  • Increased normalization of inappropriate or dangerous sexual behaviors (and to some extent, even illegal sexual behaviors).

Studies have further shown that excessive pornography use among young adults has a direct correlation with loneliness and depression.

Over the next several years, those born around the millennium will bridge into adulthood. We are already seeing the “millennial crisis” as many young adults are ill-equipped to deal with reality due to them having unrealistic expectations of adult living; much of which has been brought on by vicariously living via social media.

This is another form of skewed perception through online sensationalism, and romantic relationships will play out very similarly. When they are unable to form a romantic attachment to someone because they are unaware of their pre-conceptions of relationships, they will revert back to pornography due to its ease of access, lack of demands, and the emotional release it provides. This then yields feelings of loneliness, as all they will have to rely on for fulfillment is visual images of a computer.

There is also a direct correlation between excessive pornography viewing and low self-esteem. When viewing pornography, the viewer will subconsciously place themselves into the ‘beta’ role, while placing the on-screen actors as the ‘alpha’. Over time, the viewer will feel conditioned to believe themselves permanently in the ‘beta’ role (Note: this is relevant to both genders).

Signs of Sex or Porn Addiction in Young Adults

Suffering from an addiction to porn or sex is not always obvious—in fact, quite the opposite. Addicts often become desensitized to their symptoms. However, there are some major indicators to be aware of.

  • Do your actions negatively affect your life in any way? (If porn usage or sex stops you from working, meeting friends, hitting deadlines, meeting appointments, losing a job, lying about your whereabouts – then it’s a cause for concern.)
  • Has watching porn ever affected a personal relationship?
  • Do you ever continue viewing porn in spite of realization of consequences?
  • Do you ever feel ashamed or guilty of looking at pornography?
  • Do you often need to increase the intensity of it in order to achieve your desired outcome?
  • Have you tried to cut down on pornography and failed to be able to do so?

These are all symptoms of an over-reliance on pornography or sex. If any of these situations resonate with you, then please address your issues accordingly.

It is important to remember that sex is a part of everyday life and is completely natural for young adults to be curious and to experiment. However, in order to develop a healthy sexuality, it is necessary for young adults to be equipped with knowledge, context, and understanding so as not to create a distorted need for sex, and an inability to create and maintain real intimacy.

Sex Addiction Treatment for Young Adult Men

Sexual behaviors can become particularly problematic for young men of the ages 18 – 25, frequently without them realizing it has occurred. Several factors come into play during this stage of life that can make identifying and treating the condition in this age group unique.

At Gentle Path at The Meadows, our expert staff is trained to help people overcome their sexual addiction and treat underlying conditions that can fuel sexual issues. Clinical evidence suggests that additional factors such as alcohol and substance abuse, eating disorders and financial disorders often accompany — and exacerbate — sexual addiction. Gentle Path at The Meadows has the expertise to address core trauma that drives the addictive disorders as well as treat patients with cross addictions. Call 866-531-8912 to find out how we can help.

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[Lost in] Translation

Originally posted at: https://scottwoodtherapy.wordpress.com/2017/06/15/translation/

by scottwoodtherapy

In a 1970 Monty Python sketch, a book publisher has published a Hungarian-English phrase book for Hungarian tourists visiting Britain.  The publisher has intentionally mistranslated the phrases to wreak havoc.  By way of example, the Hungarian phrase for “Can you direct me to the railway station?” was translated as “Please fondle my buttocks.”  After the ensuing legal case, the public is made aware of the problem such that a man on the street would respond to “Please fondle my buttocks” with directions to the train station.

There is a parallel to this with what happens with distressed spouses.  Since I do a lot of work with sex addicts, let’s look at some examples of things partners of sex addicts say and what the translation may be.  “You didn’t do anything for me for Mother’s Day,” (when you actually tried hard to make it special) may translate into “I am still really hurting over you going outside our relationship and it is really hard for me to trust that you care about me.”  “I can’t believe anything you say,” may actually mean “Because you lied to me before, it is so frightening for me to trust you.  I don’t know what I can believe.”

Even in less distressed relationships, there can be need for translation.  In an ideal situation, partners would always be able to express needs without criticism or contempt.  Unfortunately, this does not always happen.   Sometimes, “What you said just really hurt my feelings,” comes out as “You are so inconsiderate.”

Criticism (applying negative traits and motives to your partner) and contempt (name calling, sarcasm, rolling one’s eyes) are really damaging to the relationship.  We do well to avoid these things.  Sometimes, these will happen anyway, particularly if your partner has been traumatized by something that has happened in the relationship.  Though no one should be required to be on the receiving end of verbal abuse, if your partner has been traumatized, there are times when a little grace might be in order.  What I mean by this is to respond as though your traumatized mate has expressed herself[1] in the most constructive way possible.  “You’re a liar,” (contempt) actually means “I am feeling so hurt by your lies and secrets.”  If she had said it in the most constructive way possible, the response might be something like, “I have hurt you very badly by my lies.  It makes it very hard for you to believe me now.”

The Karpman Drama Triangle is a model of social interaction that looks at participants in interactions taking the roles of Persecutor (controlling, blaming, angry), Victim (oppressed, powerless, ashamed), or Rescuer (enabler, keeps the victim dependent).  What can often happen after discovery of some betrayal of the relationship is that the former victim or rescuer becomes the persecutor and the former persecutor becomes the victim.  This is not a healthy shift.  Name calling is not okay.  Trying to control or shame your partner will never get you the peace and safety you seek.  If you find yourself moving into the persecutor role following a betrayal of trust, it makes sense why you do it, it just really isn’t healthy or helpful.

If you are the partner who betrayed the trust, here is where you can try to bring some healing.  Respond as though your partner expressed her needs in the best way possible.  After, the heat of the moment has been dissipated by empathy, there will be time to talk with your partner about not resorting to contempt.  You can make a concrete request that we not go to name calling during arguments.

A note to the betrayed partner: early in recovery, it may seem that he has no right to request civil treatment after what he did.  We do not repay evil for evil (Romans 12:17).  This is not about giving him a pass for what he did.  It is not about you foregoing your own boundaries.  It isn’t about your decision on whether to stay in the relationship.  It is about responding in healthy and constructive ways.

Having offered all of these thoughts, most couples dealing with significant betrayals of trust need professional help to effectively navigate recovery.  Injuries to your attachment can be healed, but it usually requires help.

[1] I am going to use gender specific pronouns for convenience sake.  Of course, it is not always the husband who betrays the trust nor is the wife always the one who is traumatized.

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Should A Wife Be the Addict’s Accountability Partner?

Originally posted at: http://vickitidwellpalmer.com/addicts-accountability-partner/

by Vicki Tidwell Palmer

For a relationship impacted by betrayal to heal, the partner responsible for the betrayal must engage in certain trust-building and accountability actions.

Accountability can include:

  • Sharing passwords for bank, email, and phone accounts
  • Reviewing bank, email, or phone accounts together as a couple
  • Installing a tracking app on a personal cell phone to demonstrate transparency around activities and whereabouts
  • Installing filtering or monitoring software on digital devices
  • Providing receipts for cash spent
  • Updating one’s partner occasionally throughout the day about your whereabouts
  • Taking a polygraph

For most couples, these accountability actions are not a permanent part of the relationship. But they are absolutely vital for rebuilding trust and repairing the damage done by intimate partner betrayal.

Addicts sometimes need an accountability partner. Common uses of an accountability partner include:

  • Receiving reports or alerts about an addict’s online activities from filtering or monitoring software.
  • Regular—sometimes daily—recovery check-ins with the addict.
  • Being available to “bookend” certain events/activities that may be challenging or potentially triggering to the addict. Bookending is simply checking in before and after an event/activity.

Addicts—and partners—sometimes believe that the best person to act as an accountability partner is the spouse of the addict. After all, the purpose of accountability is to be accountable to the partner.

Although each couple and each situation are unique—and each couple has the right to decide how trust will be restored—I don’t recommend that the spouse of an addict take the role of accountability partner for the following reasons:

1
Betrayal Trauma Flashbacks

When a partner reviews an addict’s browsing history or receives reports of online activities, these reports and alerts are often triggering and even traumatizing to most partners, even when the reports don’t include questionable material.

Because of the impact of past discoveries or online research by the partner related to the addiction, partners may have flashbacks, panic symptoms, or other unwanted experiences as a result of receiving accountability reports, etc.

2
Power Dynamics

Being an accountability partner places the spouse in a one-up, policing relationship to her spouse. This type of hierarchal relationship is very different than the couple engaging in what I refer to as collaborative transparency.

Collaborative transparency is a mutual process of agreement between the couple about how the addict will be forthcoming and transparent around devices, whereabouts, activities, etc. While the addict may agree to share reports or other information with the partner as an act of accountability, placing her/him in the role of monitor introduces an undesirable power dynamic that is harmful to creating future intimate connection between the couple.

(Read about the 4 steps for collaborative transparency here.)

3
Enabling

Spouses acting as accountability partners may have the unintended consequence of actually enabling the addiction. Enabling means that the partner of an addict directly or indirectly engages in behaviors for the purpose of helping an addict stay sober.

For example, some addicts ask their partner to join them on business trips for the primary purpose of helping keep him/her sober. This is enabling, as well as delusional thinking. Believing that a person can prevent another from any behavior is distorted thinking, an attempt to control, and a misunderstanding of powerlessness.

4
Building Intimacy

Because of the undesirable power dynamics involved in spouses acting as accountability partners, the practice can have a damaging and negative impact on the couples’ future attempts to rebuild emotional and sexual intimacy.

Intimacy is only possible between two equals. When there are power dynamics or enabling behaviors, real intimacy can’t develop and grow.

For all these reasons, I strongly recommend that the role of accountability partner be held by a sponsor, program friend, recovery coach, mentor, or therapist.