CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Journal Through Recovery

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 48: Can Someone Spare Some Peace??

I was sitting in group tonight, caught up in my everyday life. The stressful day I had with my job. The things I needed to do at home. Worrying about my kids and the issues they have in their lives. Wondering what kind of mood my wife would be in when I got home, hoping for a relaxing and peaceful night. Peaceful. To be at peace. What does that mean? There are multiple definitions. I kind of like this one courtesy of Miriam-Websters: a state of serenity or tranquility. Ok, I am not aware of that state. I am most certainly not at peace.

So God has this great way of continuing to reinforce the lessons He has for me. Like this one. About peace. And that I am not familiar with that state. Just as I am thinking about peace and my lack of it and how I am sure I am the only one who isn’t at peace, another guy in our group says that he is afraid to be at peace. He never has been and in anxious just thinking about being at peace. Yeah, exactly. Not worrying makes me….worried!

Romans 5:1 says that since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we can have peace. 1 Peter 3 says that we are to seek peace and pursue it. In John 14, Jesus told us He was leaving his peace with us. The great writer C.S. Lewis said that God could not give us happiness and peace apart from himself. Yet…I am not comfortable with the idea of being at peace. I don’t know how to be at peace.

So then another guy said something that really solidified it for me. He said that he had been a Christian since he was 15 but he was just now grasping it, what it actually meant to be a Christian. He had been living in God’s grace but not pursuing righteousness. He hadn’t really been living out his faith. I had to just stop and meditate on that and how it applied or didn’t apply to me. It does. Apply to me, I mean. Stay with me.

When I did Step 3 and turned over my life and my will to the care of God, I chose to turn over my thoughts and actions to Him. What I haven’t done is really pursue His righteousness. I have been trying to live out the steps, to follow them, to use them as my path of sanctification. However, I hadn’t really consciously pursued God’s righteousness, to seek to become more like Him in how I live my life.

So what does that have to do with peace and being at peace? According to His word I can have peace because I have been made right in His sight by faith. Not only can I have it, I am supposed to PURSUE it. Really truly seek it out and aspire to leave at peace. That is a little different than where I am at the moment, not at peace. So, this is something I aspire to, to be at peace. At least some of the time. And peace for me means a state of serenity and tranquility. I like that goal. God, grant me peace.

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 47: Friendship is a Gift

My wife has mentioned many times throughout the last year of my recovery that she likes that I have friends. Yeah, me too. Only she meant real friends. Not acquaintances. Not people I say hello to, how is it going, what’s up (sup for you millennials), or how’s work? No, she means David and Jonathan type of friends. Funny how God keeps improving my constant contact with Him. See, I was in Bible study not long ago and the lesson was on, yep you guessed it, friendship. What real friendship means. Not what I thought it was or meant.

So as many of you know, Bible studies are required to have five main points. Or that is how it seems to me. Sermons have three main points, Bible studies have five main points. I think that is a law. Somewhere in Malachi or Amos I think. Anyway, this Bible study had five main points. Stay with me, they were good ones.

The entire focus of this Bible study was about the friendship between David and Jonathan. Yep, that David. The adulterer, murderer, man after God’s own heart. And Jonathan, basically the rightful heir to the throne who was being usurped by David and who loved him more than he loved the idea of being a king. 1 Samuel 23 outlines their friendship, again focusing on five main points of how Jonathan and David demonstrated friendship. Basically, you demonstrate your friendship through:

  • Presence – a Biblical friend shows up, even when it isn’t convenient
  • Prayers – you pray for your friends; not that lip service stuff, real prayer where you lift up your friend and their needs to your Father
  • Protection – you step up for your friends, even if it involves sacrifice or risk to you; especially when they can’t protect themselves
  • Personal loyalty – friends mess up, sometimes badly; Biblical friends have “fierce allegiance” especially when they stumble
  • Promise – friends seal friendship with loyalty, with a promise to be a friend; that means always

After I entered recovery, let me be clear – after I was found out to have lied to everyone around me, I had to tell a friend that I had kept a whole part of myself from him. This was someone I had spent almost every Saturday morning with on long runs for the past 6 years. I had to tell him that I hadn’t been completely open with him, that I had kept things from him, that I had purposefully lied to him to make myself look better and to protect myself and my sin from being found out. So really all those five points above, I had kept none of them.

I didn’t know how he would react. I feared he would not want to be my friend. Ok, I knew that he wouldn’t just walk away. I knew he was too much of a Biblical friend to do that. I expected that he would agree to be my accountability partner and he would help me to stay accountable and transparent and honest. I expected him to be my friend. I didn’t expect that he would let me be his friend as well. See, he didn’t cut himself off from me. He didn’t keep things from me or not trust me with his struggles or issues or stumbles. He let me practice and learn to be a Biblical friend to him. That gift has been huge.

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 46: Me and God

If you have been reading my posts, you are aware that I am an expert at working each one of the steps. For those of you that haven’t been reading my posts, shame on you and I am practicing sarcasm. I am most definitely not an expert at working the steps. I think I know what to expect and find that I have absolutely no idea what to expect. Also, if you have or haven’t read my stuff, I am convinced that my sponsor is a sadist. Or more likely, he really enjoys watching me squirm. I am sure in a good, productive, healthy way. But he most assuredly finds continual amusement in watching me struggle with my flaws. Honestly, I think he just enjoys watching God help me identify and name and work on them. That I get.

So, here I am. About 300 days into recovery. I am on step 11. For those of you that don’t know step 11, don’t be lazy. Look it up. Read it. Meditate on it. I am not going to quote it exactly. Its basically about improving my conscious contact with God. Ok, so I am ready for that. I think. I know I want my contact with God to improve. I recognize that His mercy, grace and love are all involved in my recovery and growth. So how do I improve it? Additional prayer? More church? Intensive Bible study? Well…as I mentioned in paragraph one, my sponsor likes watching me squirm. So not exactly.

I will be transparent, I figured this step would be easy. I thought I would just do more. Yeah, you read that right. Do. How has that whole trying to do more myself thing worked out for me to this point? Not so well. So, my sponsor said he was worrying about me doing too much. And that to improve my constant contact with God, I needed a process for recovery decisions. Ok, not really sure how this relates? I wasn’t either so bear with me. Basically, my decision making is not good, leaves a lot to be desired, is no bueno, doesn’t have the best track record…ok, I am being kind. My decision making sucks. Example: Several months after going through a detailed listing of all of my sexual sin with my wife in a process called disclosure, I remembered something. Something I hadn’t told her. It had nothing to do with anything specifically related to her. She wasn’t at any risk by not knowing this. However, I was sure that I needed to tell her. So I spoke with my accountability guys, my sponsor, my guys in group…they all asked if I had a screw loose. Why on earth would I tell her something that would hurt her that had no bearing on past actions or future risk. Uhhhhhh…ok, see what I mean? Not great decision making. So, I need help.

So, I worked through a process. How to make recovery decisions. I drew this neat little decision tree diagram. I talked it over with my wife, my counselor, my sponsor, other guys in recovery. I implemented it and started using it. The key steps are:

  • Is it bigger than me
  • What does God say
  • Pray over it for 7 days with my wife
  • What does my circle say (counselor, sponsor, accountability guys)
  • Do I have time

And I use it. I have a process. A process for making sure God is at the center of my decision making. You know, increasing my constant contact with God by including Him in my decisions. After all, He promises work in all things for His good and according to His good purpose. Pretty damn cool.

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 45: Known

I have written several times about intimacy. I believe that this is probably the most important part of my understanding of why. When I say why I mean why I ended up where I did. Why I ended up deceiving my wife and family, searching to fill a never ending need that wouldn’t go away and that I couldn’t control. Keeping separate the parts of my life and actions that I didn’t want to and couldn’t face. Why did it take something catastrophic for me to see that God didn’t design me this way? Why did it take the very real possibility of losing my wife, my children, my life? And what do I do with it? What benefit has this given me? Doesn’t God cause everything to work for the good of those who love Him according to His purpose (roughly Romans 8:28)?

I was in Bible study a few weeks ago. The lesson was on Peter. Peter, I get. Peter was up. Peter was down. Peter was humiliated by his own failures multiple times and still made mistakes over and over. Yep, I really get Peter. So this study was talking about how Peter was transformed to be able to transform others. Ok, I am listening. How did that work?

So first, Jesus changed his name from Simon to Peter. He specifically stated in front of everyone that his name was now Peter, the rock on which He would build His church. This was the proclamation of who Peter was to be. Only he wasn’t that guy yet. He had to be ready. And he wasn’t. See, Peter didn’t know who he was yet. He didn’t know that he was broken and flawed and that Jesus wanted that part of him, too. He had to know that. And he didn’t yet.

So, Jesus proclaimed that he was Peter but he kept calling him Simon after this proclamation. Because..,he wasn’t Peter yet. He wasn’t ready and he didn’t know. Jesus called him Peter again…He proclaimed he was the rock…when He told him that he would deny Him three times. That’s when he was the rock. The foundation of the church. When he was broken. When he finally knew that he was broken. When he finally hit the very bottom, that’s when Peter was ready. That’s when he knew who he was.

That’s what it took for me to know. To know who I am. To start resembling the description of broken people instead of proud people. Surrendered to God instead of self sufficient. Grateful for what I have instead of thinking on what I deserve. Giving and self denying instead of selfish and demanding. Thankful to be used by God instead of focused on what I have done for God and wanting recognition for it. Easy to correct instead of defensive when criticized. I had to find out who I was. I had to know.

Now that I know, I can be known. I can be known by God and by others. I will not forget the past or wish to shut the door on it. That means knowing my own brokenness and allowing others to know it. So God can use me and build something. Something that is for His glory. Not mine.

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 44: Am I? Do I?

Ps 103:11-12 – For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;  as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. ESV

Today. That’s my timeline. It used to be much more long term. How do I plan for and control what happens tomorrow or a week from now or next year. How do I make sure what I want to happen happens in the future. I don’t. Not really anymore. The realization for me is to focus on today. And follow the serenity prayer. To accept the things I can’t change. The courage to act and to change the things I can. Hopefully, also the wisdom to know the difference. So that’s how I focus on each day. God, let me accept that you are in control of today, tomorrow, next week and next year. Allow me to focus on what I can change. That is my actions today.

This led me to something else. Something that I recently wrote about. I wrote that I was wrong. Also that I am wrong. I am realizing and understanding that isn’t exactly true. I wasn’t wrong. I did wrong. I am not wrong. I do wrong. Sounds like a technicality but hear me out.

This goes back to a previous discussion about shame. In my life before recovery, I had incorporated into my life that I was wrong. That I was bad. That I was sin. Through reading, through counseling, through groups I have come to understand the difference. I am not wrong or bad or sin. I did wrong, I did bad, I acted in sin. Incorporating that I am bad or wrong into my identity is against what God intends and is what kept me in that cycle of sin. You know it as shame. And its so pervasive that I have slipped back into that way of thinking subtly.

I didn’t see it. I didn’t see that I had shifted in my thinking in how I was thinking about and classifying my past. Understandably, my wife struggles seeing the good in our marriage before I entered this time I call recovery. Without recognizing it, I started doing the same. Not seeing that it wasn’t black and white: before and after recovery. I had started thinking of my life as what came before recovery and where I am now. I realize now the danger in that.

The time before I entered recovery was just that; it was the time before I entered recovery. It wasn’t that I all of a sudden transformed from “bad” to “good.” Without realizing it, that is how I started classifying my life. Only…that isn’t right. I wasn’t “bad” and I am not all of a sudden “good.” I am broken. Then and now. Only, now I fully realize that I am broken.

I was talking with a friend recently who is also in recovery. I guess the better way to say it is my friend also realizes his own brokenness. I like the way he put it. He said that he used to be able to compartmentalize his life. He would put away the parts he didn’t want to think about or deal with in their separate boxes and he would just not think about them or address them. But they were still there. Now, all those compartments are broken. All the parts of his life are there. That resonates with me. The awareness. I am aware of my flaws, my faults, the damage I have caused. I no longer hide that away in boxes. All my boxes are open.

Am I bad? Am I good? I am broken. Do I do bad things? Do I do good things? I do. Thankfully I am aware of all of them. They are part of in my brokenness who I am. So I address them. I don’t compartmentalize them or box them up. I deal with them…a day at a time.