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5 Ways to Deal with Your Past

SOURCE:  Ron Edmondson

I’m a huge proponent of moving forward. I’ve never been a fan of remaining in the past.

This could be because I’ve had some past I’d rather not remember.

It could be because I am very forward-thinking.

Either way, and it’s probably the first, I’d prefer to reconcile the past, make the most of it, and get on with my life.

Bottom line, however, is that there are really a few choices when it comes to dealing with your past.

Here are 5 ways to deal with your past:

Forget it – If you choose to and you are really skilled, you can block all memory of the past from your mind. In extreme settings, I have seen people do this naturally, but I must admit, it’s rare. And, because I believe we learn from mistakes, I wouldn’t even recommend it.

Misuse it – You can twist the past for your benefit – gain sympathy, make people feel sorry for you, and use it as a personal advantage. You could be a martyr. The people who choose this option, in my experience, are usually as phony as the story they share. It’s often hard to trust them.

Ignore it – You can pretend your past never happened. You can make up your own version of your past, make it prettier and live in a false reality. With the people I’ve seen do this it seems you never really know the true person behind the stories they tell. They are always hiding a part of themselves.

Excuse it – You can blame every bad decision you ever made on someone else or every future mistake you make on your past. After all, it was “his” fault”, right? I’ve known people with this excuse who never own up to responsibility – and they always seem to find a reason for not doing so. They never take ownership of their actions.

Use it – In my humble opinion, as one with plenty of brokenness in my story, the best way to deal with your past is to use it for a greater good. How could your story benefit someone else? How could God use your brokenness to bless others? What have you learned, which others need to hear? Let your past help build your — or someone else’s — brighter future.

I’m not pretending this will be easy. It will probably involve hard decisions and choices such as forgiveness, confession, and being vulnerable with people. But, the reward for allowing God to use your past for a greater good and being freed from the weight of your past will be worth it.

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How Do You Diagnose a Sex Addict?

By Jon Jore, M.A.

New evidence points towards growing agreement among researchers on how to diagnose sexual addiction. For many years, disagreements have existed among researchers and clinicians concerning the essential components that define disorders related to problematic or out-of-control sexual behaviors. For instance, what exact symptoms must a person experience to qualify for a diagnosis of sexual addiction? In order to distinguish between people with or without disorders, clinicians need clear indicators of symptoms and consequences of the given disorder.

The Competing Models of Out-of-Control Sexual Behaviors

Whenever a new phenomena or illness is discovered, whether it be a medical or mental health problem, the waters are initially often muddy. Substantial research and experimental treatments are needed to clarify the precise nature of the disorder or disease.

In the case of out-of-control sexual behaviors, researchers have largely fallen into one of four camps:

  1. The out-of-control sexual behaviors are indicative of an addictive disorder (like substance abuse addictions),
  2. The behaviors are indicative of a hypersexual disorder (excessive sexual behaviors/output in a given time period),
  3.  The behaviors are indicative of an impulse-control disorder (impulsivity-driven sexual behaviors), or
  4. The behaviors are indicative of a compulsive disorder (compulsive sexual behaviors, perhaps a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD).

Similar to many other mental disorders and addictions preceding it, when first presented to the medical and mental health communities, sex addiction as a concept was greeted with a great deal of skepticism. The existence of four competing models has made it difficult to present a unified, cohesive body of evidence supporting the existence of an out-of-control sexual behavior disorder. Recently, hypersexual disorder was proposed for inclusion in the American Psychiatric Association’s new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), which is used by mental health providers to diagnose patients.

Sexual Disorders and the DSM-5

While hypersexual disorder was not included in the first publication of the DSM-5, the substance disorders section of the manual was significantly restructured, so now, substance use and pathological gambling disorders are included under the new heading of Addiction and Related Disorders. Also, Internet Gaming Disorder was identified for future research.

These structural changes in the DSM-5 suggest a growing recognition of the many parallels between behavioral addictions and chemical addictions. Additionally, sexual addiction was recently officially recognized by the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) as a legitimate addiction. Now, agreement on a set of diagnostic criteria may continue to legitimize sexual addiction as a valid mental health issue with serious personal and societal consequences.

Consistencies Emerge Among Four Diagnostic Models

A seminal article was recently published in the Journal of Addiction Medicine called “Clinical Relevance of the Proposed Sexual Addiction Diagnostic Criteria: Relation to the Sexual Addiction Screening Test-Revised” (Carnes, Hopkins & Green, 2014). This article compared various diagnostic models that have been proposed over the years by researchers from the sex addiction, hypersexuality, and sexual compulsivity perspectives. Interestingly, despite controversy over what to call the disorder, several key consistencies emerged when comparing the existing sets of diagnostic criteria.

The most common consistencies relate to continuation of sexual behavior despite problems or adverse consequences, engagement in sexual behaviors during time allotted for other obligations, and ineffective attempts to limit or control certain sexual behaviors The authors conclude that the following diagnostic criteria, first proposed by Carnes (2005), have considerable overlap with criteria proposed by researchers from the hypersexual and sexual compulsivity perspectives:

  1. Recurrent failure (pattern) to resist sexual impulses to engage in specific sexual behaviors
  2. Engaged in sexual behaviors to a greater extent or over a longer period than intended
  3. Long-standing desire, or a history of unsuccessful efforts to stop, reduce, or control sexual behaviors.
  4. Spent excessive time obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experiences
  5. Obsessed with preparing for sexual activities
  6. Frequently engaged in sexual behavior when expected to be fulfilling occupational, academic, domestic, or social obligations
  7. Continued sexual behavior despite knowing it has caused or exacerbated social, financial, psychological, or physical problems
  8. Increased the intensity, frequency, number, or risk of sexual behaviors to achieve the desired effect, or experience diminished effect when continuing behaviors at the same level of intensity, frequency, number or risk.
  9. Given up or limited social, occupational, or recreational activities because of sexual behavior
  10. Become upset, anxious, restless, or irritable if unable to engage in sexual behavior.

Like most mental health diagnoses, they recommend that diagnosis not be given if the out of control sexual behavior symptoms are primarily related to a medical condition, a psychological condition, a medication/substance of abuse, or a manic episode.

Sex Addiction as a Diagnosable Disorder

What do these findings mean for the future of sex addiction as a diagnosable disorder? These authors suggest that there is more agreement than disagreement in the field concerning what criteria constitute problematic sexual behaviors or sexual addiction. The proposed criteria are highly endorsed by people seeking treatment for sexual addiction and, thus, appear to be relevant indicators of a serious and destructive pattern of sexual behavior, whether it is called sexual addiction, hypersexuality, or sexual compulsivity.

The empirical evidence is slowly building to support sexual addiction as a mental disorder. If it is recognized as a mental disorder, treatment for sexual addiction would likely become more affordable and accessible to greater numbers of people who are currently experiencing debilitating consequences related to their out-of-control sexual behaviors.

Gentle Path at the Meadows is committed to continue pioneering research in this area to maintain our cutting-edge, scientifically-supported, world-class treatment for sexual addiction.

Proposed Criteria for SA

References:
Carnes, P. J., Sexual addiction. In: Sadock, B. J., Sadock, V. A., eds. Kaplan & Sadock’s Comprehensive Textbook of Psychiatry, Volume I. 8th ed. New York, NY: Lippincott, Williams, & Wilkins: A Wolters Kluwer Company, 2005: 1991-2001.
Carnes, P. J., Hopkins, T. A., & Green, B. A. (2014). Clinical relevance of the proposed sexual addiction diagnostic criteria: Relation to the Sexual Addiction Screening Test-Revised. Journal of Addiction Medicine, 8(6), 450-461. doi:10.1097/ADM.0000000000000080

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How Finding out About a Spouse’s Affair is Like a Death

Originally posted at: https://drlorischade.wordpress.com/2017/04/21/how-finding-out-about-a-spouses-affair-is-like-a-death/

Tears.  Lots of them.  “I am just so tired of hurting.  I want the pain to go away.”  As usual, my heart was breaking for the spouse sitting across from me who had recently discovered that her partner had an extramarital affair.  Like many spouses before, she declared, “Of all the things I thought I knew in the world, I was certain that my spouse would never in a million years be unfaithful and now I don’t know which way is up.  I can’t count on anything anymore.  All my safety is just completely washed away.”  “I am so sorry that this is so painful,” I offered, “I wish I could make that better for you—I really do, but the truth is that it is going to hurt for a long time.  Eventually, it won’t hurt as much, but when I say eventually, I mean that a year is short in affair healing time.”  Even though I’ve been doing therapy for a long time, the emotions still impact me.

I hate seeing people in pain.  I feel things deeply and enduringly, which is what drew me to the therapeutic profession.  I wanted to alleviate emotional suffering for people.  However, there are certain types of pain which need to be healed over the course of time, and sometimes tender emotional scars never go away.  Some of the deepest emotional pain I witness occurs in cases of grief and loss in which relationships with people are ended or intensely damaged.  The loss of human relationships through death, divorce or other means just hurts.  A lot.

Infidelity and Intense Grief

In cases of betrayal, sometimes people don’t understand the principles of grief and loss that are at play which complicate recovery.  Here is a typical presentation I’ll encounter maybe three months after the disclosure of an affair:

Betrayed partner:  “He couldn’t understand why I was still crying about the affair, and I tried to explain that it still hurts and he just got mad and asked why I couldn’t see that he was sorry and just focus on our future.  I don’t know why it’s still hurting so bad.  I’m embarrassed that it is still making me cry.  I don’t want to make him mad, but it hurts.”

Oh dear.

People who have betrayed their spouses don’t like to witness the pain they have caused because it makes them feel shame, which is uncomfortable.  They also commonly feel fear that this might be the emotional episode in which the spouse decides to leave.  Frequently, they get defensive and upset with their spouses for not healing fast enough.  Men in particular, as a general rule, have an aversion to tears and emotional pain resulting from something they have done in relationships.  They want to run from it, regardless of the cause or validity of the emotion.  They feel almost panicky and search for ways to “fix,” the emotion, which means make it stop.  I think it’s because they get so socialized out of feeling vulnerable emotion themselves that they literally have no idea what to do with it when their spouses display strong vulnerable emotion, at least in many instances.

How Infidelity is a Loss Issue

In cases like these, I normalize the intensity of emotional pain for both partners, but also try to help them understand the deep grief.  I have explained to many husbands, “This is a loss issue, and loss is always painful.”  “What do you mean loss?  I’m still here.  Why can’t she see that I’m trying to fix it and I’m sorry,” the husbands fire back.  I’ll explain, “She can see you, but first of all, she has no idea who you really are because you’re not who she thought you were, so she needs time and safe experiences with you to be able to even think about trusting you.  Second of all, she is still grieving the marriage she thought she had but doesn’t have and will never get back—the marriage in which her partner stayed faithful to her.  She married you with that expectation and has lost that dream.  She needs time to be sad over losing that marriage.”

When I explain this, partners can be a little more tolerant of the deep expression of emotions.  However, for some reason when it comes to emotional injuries, we want people to be better faster than is reasonable to expect—mostly because we don’t like feeling our own uncomfortable emotions when seeing emotional pain.

Physical Pain as a Metaphor for Emotional Pain

Sometimes if I compare the wound of infidelity to a physical injury, partners understand a little better.  “What if you had run over her with your car and she ended up in a body cast?  Would you be getting upset that she wasn’t walking in a week?  No, you wouldn’t, because you would know that the injury takes time to heal.  If while she was in a body cast she told you her pain was flaring up, would you say, ‘It’s been 6 weeks since I ran over you.  Why do you insist on focusing on the pain instead of looking ahead to the future?’  No, you wouldn’t, because you would realize that sometimes pain flares up.  Emotional injuries are the same.  You don’t get to argue with her about whether she is in pain.  Your job is to move toward her and say, ‘Show me where it hurts,’ as if it were a physical injury.  You can’t fix this for her, but you can just be with her and ask if there is anything you can to do reassure her or help her feel more comfortable or safe.  If there isn’t, you just sit with it.  If you want, you can talk about how uncomfortable and sad it is for you to see the pain you caused, but you can’t argue about whether the pain is valid or demand that she heals right away.”

Relationship loss is searing, no matter the type, and infidelity is a type of relationship loss.  Partners need time to grieve and be sad.  Most importantly, they need to be validated and comforted in their pain.  As long as it takes.

Lastly, people always want emotional pain from infidelity to heal faster than it does—both the betrayed partner and the offending partner.  My experience is that in affair time, it’s not uncommon to see people have deep emotional triggers regularly for at least two years.

If your partner betrayed you, know that the disorientation, fear and hurt are normal.  Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the marriage you thought you had, just like you would give yourself time to grieve the death of a loved one or a lost relationship.  Eventually, grief diminishes in intensity, but if grief is criticized and shut down by a partner instead of honored and respected, it will last longer.  Clinically, I tell people to write when they are experiencing episodes of grief.  Articulating pain through writing is a way to manage emotional intensity.  Intentional self-care and deep breathing and meditation can also be helpful.

You’re not crazy if you’re in intense pain months after discovering a spouse’s infidelity—you’re just a human with a big attachment injury.  I don’t know if time heals all wounds, because some wounds can persist for decades, but usually time does decrease emotional intensity.

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Couples Recovering from Sex Addiction Can Reconnect

originally posted at: https://gentlepathmeadows.wordpress.com/2017/04/11/couples-recovering-from-sex-addiction-can-reconnect/

By Dr. Georgia Fourlas, LCSW, LISAC, CSAT, Rio Retreat Center Lead Therapist

There is an indescribable beauty in watching participants move into a deeper level of intimacy after struggling through the destruction of sexual addiction.

We recently held our first session of Discovery to Recovery Part 3: From Grief to Hope, a unique workshop for couples who have already begun a journey of recovery from sex addiction. The workshop focuses on helping the couple make a transition from despair to renewal.

The rebuilding process set in motion during the workshop helps couples move their focus from the individual’s addiction to the couple and their attachment. Many couples come to this session feeling that they are stuck in grief, which can leave them feeling hopeless and helpless. The grieving process that couples embark on together throughout the week allows them to honor the pain caused by other forces in their lives while examining how that pain has kept them emotionally separated.

Through honoring that pain and re-connecting with one another, couples begin to experience the hope that not only can attachment be repaired, but also that they can experience emotional intimacy that can surpass what they ever believed possible in their lives. I like to think of this as intimacy beyond their wildest dreams, which can be experienced regardless of whether or not the couple is staying together.

Some couples decide it is best for them to move forward apart while building on the hope that they can continue to honor one another as healthy co-parents or in another capacity that respects both partners while they go their separate ways. Others decide to make staying together in a mutually fulfilling and loving relationship their goal.

Experiencing Recovery Together

Dr. Ken Adams, the architect of the Discovery to Recovery workshops, has a deep passion for healing couples. He recognized that there was a gap in services for those who were looking for ways to re-attach, seek the next level of change, and achieve deeper levels of recovery together.

Dr. Adams describes how couples survive the chaos of addiction, but do not always have the opportunity to experience full emotional recovery together. They often become stuck in the negative patterns of interaction that are driven by ineffective attempts to feel understood and to have their emotional needs met by their partners. They move from the addiction to a place where they either continue to spin in pain, shame, anger, and resentment, or they disconnect emotionally and feel stuck in a relationship that they feel is emotionally unsafe.

Dr. Adams says that he views the Discovery to Recovery workshop series as “an invitation to integrate recovery concepts as a couple.” This requires a paradigm shift—the perception must move away from the problem of the individual toward the solution that can be provided as a couple. The solution involves healing through emotional reconnection and attachment repair.

One participant who recently completed the workshop said, “This workshop facilitated an 180-degree shift in how we have been relating to each other. We were very much stuck in conflict and separate corners, wanting to come together, but lost as to how to do that. This workshop showed us how to soften toward each other to allow the connection we both wanted to find, a starting place.”

How Change Happens

First order change happens when something, usually a behavior, changes to restore balance. Most recovery work begins this way.

The final phase of the Discover to Recovery workshop focuses on making second order change, which happens when a completely new way of seeing things is created, or when a major paradigm shift is internalized. Some people see it as a shift in how we view and maintain first order change. In that way, second order change in couples supports first order change, while allowing a complete transformation in the system of the coupleship.

Second order change for couples involves rewriting a new narrative for the relationship that includes a deeper level of connection and shifts the focus from the issues in the relationship to the process by which couples can deal with those issues. Learning how to interact in more tender, loving, responsive, and emotionally connected ways can promote second order change through the development of a more secure attachment.

An eclectic blend of therapeutic approaches makes this amazing workshop unique. It provides what many experts feel is the missing piece in sexual addiction recovery. Experiential work helps couples achieve deeper connection and move toward second order change. After the pain of disclosure and the vulnerability of emotional impact and emotional restitution, this workshop offers couples the opportunity to truly heal with one another and to achieve a level of attachment and intimacy that they never thought possible—intimacy beyond their wildest dreams.

“This workshop was amazing!” said one of our recent participants. “The structure of the week and the support and guidance of the facilitators provided an atmosphere that allowed my wife and me to change the trajectory of our marriage. It is not often that I am surprised by anything, but this week blew past my expectations. I am more hopeful for my marriage now than I have ever been.”

For more information on the Discovery to Recovery workshop series call 866-977-8770 or visit www.rioretreatcenter.com.

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Boundaries, Compliance, and the Fear of Saying No

Matthew 9:13 – “But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,’ for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

“May I tell you something embarrassing?” Robert asked me (Dr. Townsend). A new client, Robert was trying to understand why he had so much difficulty refusing his wife’s constant demands. He was going broke trying to keep up with the Joneses.

“I was the only boy in my family, the youngest of four children. There was a strange double standard in my house involving physical fighting.” Robert cleared his throat, struggling to continue. “My sisters were three to seven years older than me. Until I was in sixth grade, they were a lot bigger and stronger. They’d take advantage of their size and strength and wale on me until I was bruised. I mean, they really hurt me.

“The strangest part of it all was my parents’ attitude.

They’d tell us, ‘Robert is the boy. Boys don’t hit girls. It’s bad manners.’ Bad manners! I was getting triple-teamed, and fighting back was bad manners?” Robert stopped. His shame kept him from continuing, but he’d said enough. He had unearthed part of the reason for his conflicts with his wife.

When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as they wish. They are sending their children defenseless into a world that contains much evil. Evil in the form of controlling, manipulative, and exploitative people. Evil in the form of temptations.

To feel safe in such an evil world, children need to have the power to say things like:

  • “No.”
  • “I disagree.”
  • “I will not.”
  • “I choose not to.”
  • “Stop that.”
  • “It hurts.”
  • “It’s wrong.”
  • “That’s bad.”
  • “I don’t like it when you touch me there.”

Blocking a child’s ability to say no handicaps that child for life. Adults with handicaps like Robert’s have this first boundary injury: they say yes to bad things.

This type of boundary conflict is called compliance. Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they “melt” into the demands and needs of other people. They can’t stand alone, distinct from people who want something from them. Compliants, for example, pretend to like the same restaurants and movies their friends do “just to get along.” They minimize their differences with others so as not to rock the boat. Compliants are chameleons. After a while it’s hard to distinguish them from their environment.

The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from recognizing evil. Many compliant people realize too late that they’re in a dangerous or abusive relationship. Their spiritual and emotional “radar” is broken; they have no ability to guard their hearts (see Proverbs 4:23).

This type of boundary problem paralyzes people’s “no” muscles. Whenever they need to protect themselves by saying no, the word catches in their throats. This happens for a number of different reasons:

  • Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings
  • Fear of abandonment and separateness
  • A wish to be totally dependent on another
  • Fear of someone else’s anger
  • Fear of punishment
  • Fear of being shamed
  • Fear of being seen as bad or selfish
  • Fear of being unspiritual
  • Fear of one’s overstrict, critical conscience

This last fear is actually experienced as guilt. People who have an overstrict, critical conscience will condemn themselves for things God himself doesn’t condemn them for. As Paul says, “Since their conscience is weak, it is defiled” (see 1 Corinthians 8:7). Afraid to confront their unbiblical and critical internal parent, they tighten appropriate boundaries.

When we give in to guilty feelings, we are complying with a harsh conscience. This fear of disobeying the harsh conscience translates into an inability to confront others—a saying yes to the bad—because it would cause more guilt.

Biblical compliance needs to be distinguished from this kind of compliance. Matthew 9:13 says that God desires “compassion, and not sacrifice.” In other words, God wants us to be compliant from the inside out (compassionate), not compliant on the outside and resentful on the inside (sacrificial). Compliants take on too many responsibilities and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but because they are afraid.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.