CASTIMONIA

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Recovery Articles

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PERSPECTIVE AFTER THE AFFAIR

This is a very good write-up by a wife in recovery.  The only thing I don’t agree with is the two statements that her husband was the healer and her husband had to carry her.  Although a husband can facilitate the wife’s healing, I believe God is the only healer and that it is He who carries the wife through the emotional tornado.  Take what you like and leave the rest…

Originally posted by: huperecho: to rise above

I’ve decided to clean up my blog and just regroup a little. It’s been two years since my world starting falling apart and I see things a little differently now and definitely with a clearer perspective or maybe a different perspective would be more accurate. There are things I did or said that I wished I hadn’t but I have to give myself some grace here because the pain of infidelity is unlike any pain I have experienced before. Add Post Traumatic Stress Disorder on top of the pain and sometimes you just can’t think as straight as you would like to and you often act before your common sense can kick in. I am happy to say because my greatest desire was to serve God and be the example of a Christian woman, there were many things I didn’t do that I wanted to. I also attribute my faith to the amazingly quick healing process

I did learn that no one and I mean no one can understand the pain that a betrayed goes through except another betrayed spouse. You can sympathize but cannot come close to empathizing. It took my husband 8 months to even begin the process of being my healer because although he saw my pain he could not feel it. It hurt him to see how hurt I was but he could not put himself in my shoes since he never experienced being the betrayed. I remember when a woman and man in our church went through it. I couldn’t understand her rage, anger, hate or bitterness. I thought it was my job to remind her how important it was to forgive. I also was mentoring the Other Woman and allowed her to keep coming to our church not knowing how it was terrorizing the betrayed woman. I thought I had all the answers UNTIL I went through it. In my own pain she was the first person I thought of and ran to to ask for forgiveness because at that moment I knew what it felt like to walk in someone else’s shoes.

One of the things I had to accept was that my husband was not going to be able to walk in my shoes but he could be the one to carry me when I couldn’t walk any further. I think we betrayed can allow the pain of the affair to control our life because we are so busy trying to make the betrayer feel what’s impossible for him to feel. So it drags on and on until we recognize that our happiness does not depend on another person understanding our pain. It’s helpful for sure but WE are responsible for our happiness. Philippians 4:8 says Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Where your thoughts go there your energy flows. It is important not to deny your feelings but we have to be careful to not carry around unreal expectations of our spouse’s feelings.

Another thing I had to accept was that my betrayer husband was suffering pain too. My husband’s pain came from losing his job, career, integrity, respect etc….I knew he was hurting and I somewhat knew what it felt to lose the things you love because I lost all my ministries. Even so I could not truly understand what he was going through but God gave me grace and sympathy for him even while I was in my own pain. It was tough! I was dying inside because of the choices he made. It was his fault we were suffering. He chose to go outside our marriage rather then fight for it with a willing wife. Thoughts crossed my mind often that he had no right to feel sorry for himself but I saw him repentant and sorry for what he had done, so I never allowed those thoughts to take over and was able to extend mercy as well as grace.

I resolved it in my heart that whether Lee and I stayed together, I was not going to allow bitterness and anger to rob me of the plans I knew God had for my life. I was not going to let the enemy have my family or my husband without a fight. I refused to become and angry, bitter woman.

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For Wives: Looking Past the Ugly (Marsha’s Blog)

Originally posted: http://porntopurity.com/blog/2014/03/26/for-wives-looking-past-the-ugly-marshas-blog/

When I think over the last five years of my life, I’m no longer overwhelmed by “the ugly.”  Don’t get me wrong, there was a lot of “ugly” going on.  When Jeff came home from work in 2007 and shared that he had been caught binging on pornography on a ministry computer at our denomination’s office, I was devastated.  We had moved to the Northeast to share the power of the Gospel of Christ, not to bring shame to the Church.

The consequences of Jeff’s actions were swift and severe.  We lost our ministry, most of our savings and found ourselves in my home state of North Carolina.  Our seemingly picture perfect family was a train wreck and we stumbled around for months wondering if there was anything left worth salvaging.

My husband and I had made a mess of our marriage – Jeff in more obvious ways with his choice to seek comfort in pornography rather than seek help for his internal struggle for purity.  But my idols were just as powerful – pride, self-sufficiency and self-righteousness.  Over the years our sin natures had played off each other in a strange, sick little dance.  Finally, God’s light exposed the true depth of our darkness and it was so ugly that neither of us could stand to look at it anymore.

THE GRACE OF GOD
We would have been without hope, save one thing – Titus 2:11-14.

11 For the grace of God has appeared, with salvation for all people, 12 instructing us to deny godlessness and worldly lusts and to live in a sensible, righteous, and godly way in the present age, 13 while we wait for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ. 14 He gave Himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to cleanse for Himself a special people, eager to do good works.

By the grace of God, the Author of Hope not only teaches us how to repent and live for him, but He gives us His Spirit to empower us to do so.  Jeff and I have learned a great deal about repentance and redemption during our recovery journey.  It is not only impacting how we do marriage, but also how we do family, how we do church and how we do work.

So, when I look back over the last five years, the ugly of our fall is a speck compared to the beauty of the redemptive work I see taking place.  Healthy conversations, spiritual growth, and acts of forgiveness are evidence that God is still at work.

I am so thankful I serve a God who is in the business of redeeming others.  It is what He desires most for his children.  What in the world are you holding onto that He is offering to redeem?

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Email:  marsha@puritycoaching.com 

She offers help to spouses of sexual strugglers through phone coaching and online spouses’ support groups.

Check out our site:  www.puritycoaching.com

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The Primary Purpose of Prayer

Originally posted:
http://www.faithgateway.com/purpose-of-prayer

by Mark Batterson

god-delivers-us

“This happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” — John 9:3 (NIV)

The primary purpose of prayer is not to change circumstances; the primary purpose of prayer is to change us! But either way, the chief objective remains the same: to glorify God in any and every situation. 

My friends John and Tricia Tiller experienced a parent’s worst nightmare nearly a decade ago. Their three-year-old son, Eli, was playing by himself in his room when Tricia became concerned because it was too quiet. When she walked into his room, Eli was nowhere to be seen. That’s when she saw a table out of place. It had been pushed beneath his second-story bedroom window, and the window screen was conspicuously missing. Tricia’s worst fears were realized when she ran to the window, looked down, and saw Eli lying thirteen feet below.

Eli was medevaced to the hospital, where he fought for his life in the ICU for three weeks. He miraculously survived, but not without significant brain damage. He has virtually no peripheral vision on his right side, and the left side of his body has very little motor skills or muscle development. Eli speaks with a severe stutter and walks with a pronounced limp. Yet twelve-year-old Eli Tiller has as sweet a spirit and as courageous an attitude as anybody I’ve ever met. He recently sang at National Community Church, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the place.

John and Tricia have thanked God countless times for saving their son, but their prayers for complete healing have gone unanswered. In the aftermath of the accident, John dueled with doubt.

I began to interrogate God. “Why, God? Why do little boys fall from windows?”

Why did my little boy fall from that window? Why him? Why me? I looked to Scripture for an answer, and it turns out that “Why, God?” is not a new question at all.

In John 9, Jesus encountered a man who was born blind, and the people falsely assumed it was the result of sin. They asked Jesus, “Who sinned, this man or his parents?” Jesus told them it was neither! The people assumed it was a generational curse or a lack of faith. But Jesus set the record straight by revealing the real reason: “This happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

Since Eli’s accident, Tricia and I have done everything humanly possible to make our son well. We’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars on uninsured medical equipment. For the first three years after the accident, Tricia and Eli literally spent 80 percent of their waking hours in therapy. We had faith that he would be completely healed. We knew it was going to happen, so we just kept praying and kept waiting. We waited and waited. We knew that one day we’d be standing in front of crowds saying, “Look what the Lord has done! He has completely healed our son.” But that’s not what happened.

After three years of doing everything we could for our son, it was time to accept his current condition and choose to live life with disability. This disability was something we couldn’t remove, and evidently God was choosing to not completely heal Eli. So we had to burn our old scripts and look for what God could do with our new script. So for the past five years, we’ve accepted life with disability. That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped praying for my son. Like any father, I’d give my right arm to see my son healed. But instead of getting discouraged or getting angry, I choose to look for what God can do.

What is the Purpose of Prayer?

Sometimes the purpose of prayer is to get us out of circumstances, but more often than not, the purpose of prayer is to get us through them. I’m certainly not suggesting we shouldn’t pray deliverance prayers, but there are times we need to pray prevailing prayers. We need to ask God to give us the grace to sustain, the strength to stand firm, and the willpower to keep on keeping on.

There is a big difference between praying away and praying through.

We’re often so anxious to get out of difficult, painful, or challenging situations that we fail to grow through them. We’re so fixated on getting out of them that we don’t get anything out of them. We fail to learn the lessons God is trying to teach us or cultivate the character God is trying to grow in us. We’re so focused on God changing our circumstances that we never allow God to change us! So instead of ten or twenty years of experience, we have one year of experience repeated ten or twenty times.

Sometimes we need to pray “get me out” prayers. But sometimes we need to pray “get me through” prayers. And we need the discernment to know when to pray what.

The Purpose of Prayer: Glorify God

If we’re being completely honest, most of our prayers have as their chief objective our own personal comfort rather than God’s glory. We want to pray away every problem, but those shortsighted prayers would short-circuit God’s perfect plan. There are seasons and situations when we need to simply pray through.

Can our prayers change our circumstances? Absolutely! But when our circumstances don’t change, it’s often an indication that God is trying to change us. The primary purpose of prayer is not to change circumstances; the primary purpose of prayer is to change us! But either way, the chief objective remains the same: to glorify God in any and every situation.

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Mark Batterson serves as the lead pastor of National Community Church in Washington, D. C. Recognized as “one of America’s 25 most innovative churches,” NCC is one church with seven locations. Mark’s blog and webcast also reach a virtual congregation around the world. Mark is the author of several bestselling books, including New York Times Bestseller – The Circle Maker – and In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day. Mark holds a doctorate degree from Regent University and lives on Capitol Hill with his wife, Lora, and their three children.

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Star Wars: The Fall – VIDEO (Part 1)

I love Star Wars.  I grew up a Sci-Fi Geek with various Star Wars movies, swirling in my mind.  I often wonder, of all the Sci-Fi movies I have viewed in my life, how many of these movies had a recovery-related theme.  It wasn’t until entering recovery that the Holy Spirit gave me some special “recovery glasses” that have allowed me to spot recovery themes in various media; music, movies, photographs, etc…  These themes can include support groups, honesty, selfishness, selflessness, redemption, etc… that are portrayed in the movie. 

The Star Wars Saga was probably one of the best film series ever created and had an amazing recovery theme.  Below is a short summary of the overall movie from Wikipedia:

Star Wars is an American epic space opera franchise centered on a film series created by George Lucas. It depicts the adventures of various characters “a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away”, mostly involving, but not limited to, the rise and fall of Anakin Skywalker.

About ten years ago I read an interview with George Lucas on why he went back to create the three prequels (The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, & Revenge of the Sith) to the original Star Wars Trilogy (A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, & Return of the Jedi).  His answer was simple and intrigued me.  He wanted to finish the “back story” to the original Star Wars trilogy about the old Republic, the rise of the Empire, but most importantly, the entire story of Anakin Skywalker; his fall, tribulation, and redemption.  You see, Anakin Skywalker was not always Darth Vader.  He experienced a lot of childhood trauma that led to him making poor decisions in order to medicate the anxiety and stress from the trauma and ultimately fell into the Dark Side of the Force acting out of the childhood trauma he experienced.  Sound familiar?  Like most men who struggle with sexual purity, his traumatic childhood led to a very unhealthy adulthood.  However, all who have fallen into this trap can be redeemed if the decide they want it bad enough.  For Darth Vader, he believed it was too late for him, but his son Luke Skywalker had hope; hope that there was still some good in Darth Vader, enough to help him break free from his unhealthy lifestyle.  These three videos document the fall of Anakin Skywalker, his tribulation living in the unhealthy lifestyle as well as Luke’s struggle to rescue his father, and ultimately the redemption of Anakin Skywalker with help from his son Luke.

I hope you enjoy watching this video as much as I enjoyed creating it.  As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

 

FAIR USE NOTICE: This video may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for purposes such as criticism, comment, teaching, & education, etc. This constitutes a ’fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! All trademarks and copyrights remain the property of their owners.

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Healing From Infidelity

Another necessary ingredient for rebuilding a marriage involves the willingness of unfaithful spouses to demonstrate sincere regret and remorse. You can’t apologize often enough. You need to tell your spouse that you will never commit adultery again. Although, since you are working diligently to repair your relationship, you might think your intentions to be monogamous are obvious, they aren’t. Tell your spouse of your plans to take your commitment to your marriage to heart. This will be particularly important during the early stages of recovery when mistrust is rampant. Conversely, talking about the affair can’t be the only thing you do. Couples who successfully rebuild their marriages recognize the importance of both talking about their difficulties and spending time together without discussing painful topics. They intentionally create opportunities to reconnect and nurture their friendship. They take walks, go out to eat or to a movie, develop new mutual interests and so on. Betrayed spouses will be more interested in spending discussion-free time after the initial shock of the affair has dissipated. Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is frequently the last step in the healing process. The unfaithful spouse can do everything right; be forthcoming, express remorse, listen lovingly and act trustworthy, and still, the marriage won’t mend unless the betrayed person forgives his or her spouse and the unfaithful spouse forgives him or herself. Forgiveness opens the door to real intimacy and connection. But forgiveness doesn’t just happen. It is a conscious decision to stop blaming, make peace, and start tomorrow with a clean slate. If the past has had you in its clutches, why not take the next step to having more love in your life? Decide to forgive today. By Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_healing_from_infidelity.htm

“The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies… It comes from friends and loved ones.” – Ash Sweeney