This is a very good write-up by a wife in recovery.  The only thing I don’t agree with is the two statements that her husband was the healer and her husband had to carry her.  Although a husband can facilitate the wife’s healing, I believe God is the only healer and that it is He who carries the wife through the emotional tornado.  Take what you like and leave the rest…

Originally posted by: huperecho: to rise above

I’ve decided to clean up my blog and just regroup a little. It’s been two years since my world starting falling apart and I see things a little differently now and definitely with a clearer perspective or maybe a different perspective would be more accurate. There are things I did or said that I wished I hadn’t but I have to give myself some grace here because the pain of infidelity is unlike any pain I have experienced before. Add Post Traumatic Stress Disorder on top of the pain and sometimes you just can’t think as straight as you would like to and you often act before your common sense can kick in. I am happy to say because my greatest desire was to serve God and be the example of a Christian woman, there were many things I didn’t do that I wanted to. I also attribute my faith to the amazingly quick healing process

I did learn that no one and I mean no one can understand the pain that a betrayed goes through except another betrayed spouse. You can sympathize but cannot come close to empathizing. It took my husband 8 months to even begin the process of being my healer because although he saw my pain he could not feel it. It hurt him to see how hurt I was but he could not put himself in my shoes since he never experienced being the betrayed. I remember when a woman and man in our church went through it. I couldn’t understand her rage, anger, hate or bitterness. I thought it was my job to remind her how important it was to forgive. I also was mentoring the Other Woman and allowed her to keep coming to our church not knowing how it was terrorizing the betrayed woman. I thought I had all the answers UNTIL I went through it. In my own pain she was the first person I thought of and ran to to ask for forgiveness because at that moment I knew what it felt like to walk in someone else’s shoes.

One of the things I had to accept was that my husband was not going to be able to walk in my shoes but he could be the one to carry me when I couldn’t walk any further. I think we betrayed can allow the pain of the affair to control our life because we are so busy trying to make the betrayer feel what’s impossible for him to feel. So it drags on and on until we recognize that our happiness does not depend on another person understanding our pain. It’s helpful for sure but WE are responsible for our happiness. Philippians 4:8 says Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Where your thoughts go there your energy flows. It is important not to deny your feelings but we have to be careful to not carry around unreal expectations of our spouse’s feelings.

Another thing I had to accept was that my betrayer husband was suffering pain too. My husband’s pain came from losing his job, career, integrity, respect etc….I knew he was hurting and I somewhat knew what it felt to lose the things you love because I lost all my ministries. Even so I could not truly understand what he was going through but God gave me grace and sympathy for him even while I was in my own pain. It was tough! I was dying inside because of the choices he made. It was his fault we were suffering. He chose to go outside our marriage rather then fight for it with a willing wife. Thoughts crossed my mind often that he had no right to feel sorry for himself but I saw him repentant and sorry for what he had done, so I never allowed those thoughts to take over and was able to extend mercy as well as grace.

I resolved it in my heart that whether Lee and I stayed together, I was not going to allow bitterness and anger to rob me of the plans I knew God had for my life. I was not going to let the enemy have my family or my husband without a fight. I refused to become and angry, bitter woman.

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