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Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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sex addict

September 24, 2014 By Castimonia

Forgiveness and Intimacy

1) – Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage we do not always do the right thing. We have sometimes done and said hurtful things to our spouses. We cannot erase the past. We can only confess it and agree that it was wrong. We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mitigate the hurt it may have caused my spouse. When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and requested forgiveness, I have the option of justice or forgiveness. If I choose justice and seek to pay her back or make her pay for her wrongdoing, I am making myself the judge and her the felon. Intimacy becomes impossible. If, however, I choose to forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love.

2) – What is emotional intimacy? It is that deep sense of being connected to one another. It is feeling loved, respected and appreciated, while at the same time seeking to reciprocate. To feel loved is to have the sense that the other person genuinely cares about your well-being. Respect has to do with feeling that your potential spouse has positive regard for your personhood, intellect, abilities and personality. Appreciation is that inner sense that your partner values your contribution to the relationship. Two quotes by Dr. Gary Chapman author of “The Five Love Languages”

We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it. Rick Warren

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, Love Language, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses

September 18, 2014 By Castimonia

Computer consultant Mark Lancaster jailed for 16 months for voyeurism and trafficking after using ‘sex for fees’ website to dupe student into having sex with him

Judge hails work of Independent journalists as former Foreign Office contractor is sentenced after undercover investigation

Jonathan Brown , Charlotte Philby and Cahal Milmo
Friday 19 July 2013
10_sus

The role of investigative journalism was praised today as a top level computer consultant was jailed for 16 months in connection with a “pitiless deception” in which he sought to con hard up students into having sex with him in return for falsely offering to pay their university fees.

Mark Lancaster, 40, who was employed by the Foreign and Commonwealth Office at the time of his arrest last year, was exposed following an undercover investigation by The Independent into the website and fictitious business Sponsorascholar.co.uk.

The pornography-addicted father-of-two admitted a charge of voyeurism and another of trafficking after tricking an 18-year-old student into travelling to a rented flat in Milton Keynes, where he filmed her with four secret cameras dressing up as a schoolgirl and posing for photographs before having sex with her.

The woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was duped by the website which she found through a Google search when she was seeking legitimate forms of finance for her studies. It offered up to £15,000 in return for four meetings a year with fictitious “sponsors”.

Southwark Crown Court heard how the victim, who was originally from Kenya and came from a one parent family, was tempted as she faced fees for her university course of £11,000 and a further £5,000 for accommodation.

She was due to start her course in September 2012 and wanted to “reduce the burden on her mother” who was a “hard working nurse”, the prosecution said.

Although she was aware that the site was soliciting sex she was simply seeking to find out about it when she attended the meeting with Lancaster. She had hoped to control her involvement in the “scheme” but was overwhelmed by the IT expert’s personality and the momentum of the situation.

“She was in a strange apartment in a strange city, wearing strange clothes with no money, high heels on and simply felt she could not run away,” said Lisa Wilding for the prosecution.

“In her words she felt `really gross’ about it. She felt there was nothing she could do about the situation she found herself in,” she added.

Afterwards when she heard nothing the victim contacted Lancaster who told her she had been unsuccessful in her “application”. He refunded her a £60 postal order for her travel and invited her to apply again in the future.

As a result of her experience her life was torn apart. She was humiliated in front of her friends when they found out and forced to miss a year of her studies although she intends to resume a degree this year.

Mr Justice Testar said the scam had damaged her relationship with her mother and her peers. “She lost confidence in herself – most crucially – and lost confidence in other people. I have no doubt she has lost confidence in any man she meets,” he said.

Describing the scam as a “deliberate and elaborate lie,” the judge sentenced Lancaster to 16 months for voyeurism and the same for trafficking to run concurrently. He was also placed on the Sex Offenders Register for 10 years.

Ms Wilding said police were alerted to Lancaster following publication of details of the scam in The Independent when a reporter posed as a prospective student. She was told by Lancaster that he was the “assessor” for the fake scheme and that she would be required to have sex with him as a “practical” before she could receive any money.

“His activities came to the attention of journalists to whom thanks must be offered. For it was through investigative journalism that the defendant was revealed and as a direct result his activities and his website was brought to an end,” Ms Wilding said.

Detectives from Scotland Yard’s human trafficking unit believe as many as 40 women had contacted the site. Lancaster, from Horndean, Hampshire, lived an outwardly respectable existence with a lrage house and an apparently happy marriage. He had been employed by the Ministry of Defence and IBM during a high-flying career in which he had clearance to work on highly sensitive military data.

But he deployed his skills to set up the website in the name of a respected academic from the London School of Economics having randomly selected him because he was the same age and of similar appearance. When he was alerted to the fraud the lecturer believed he might have been being smeared as a result of his pro-Palestinian views.

But the website was a vehicle designed for Lancaster’s own personal sexual gratification. In mitigation counsel for Lancaster, Patrick Harte, said his client had been de-sensitised to the impact his crimes as a result of the habitual use of internet pornography for which he had now received treatment. “It was cheap sex he was looking for and that was what he got,” said Mr Harte.

Lancaster organised a number of “assessment sessions” across London and the South East. As well as setting up the original site, he also created two fake “review” sites praising S*************r.co.uk and urging others to take up the offer of money in return for sex.

After Lancaster was identified by The Independent he made a two and a half page statement to his employers, the FCO, in which he said: “Whilst the acts I have committed might not be considered moral or decent, I do not believe they constitute a criminal offence and I have not been contacted by police.” However, he used specialist software to erase the films he had made and smashed the hard drives.

Sarah Jennings, Crown Prosecution Service London reviewing lawyer, said: “Lancaster set up this elaborate scam with the sole purpose of sexually exploiting female students who found themselves in a vulnerable financial situation. This was a particularly nasty and degrading experience for the woman involved, which robbed her of valued privacy.”

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, anonymous sex partners, christian, human trafficking, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity

September 15, 2014 By Castimonia

Helping My Husband Fight the Battle (Marsha)

There are times when I know Jeff is more prone to slip up on the road to recovery.  These include when he is tired, when he is stressed and when he is lonely.  I don’t travel much, but when I do it is a perfect storm for Jeff.  As the lone caretaker for our two active boys while I’m out of town – the stress and exhaustion come quickly.  The loneliness soon follows.  Here are some things I try to do to support Jeff when I have to be away from home.

  1. I take his struggle seriously. I ask him about his strategy. I encourage him and affirm him.
  2. I try to help him find some pockets of time to recharge. Maybe that means scheduling a babysitter one evening while I’m gone so he can go to his group.  Or arrange a play date so he can enjoy a few hours of quiet at the house.
  3. I spend time with him alone before and after the trip. No kids, no “to do” list. Whether it is a date night or just a quiet evening after putting the kids to bed, I let him know that I love him by speaking his love language.
  4. I leave notes of encouragement. This is something I use to do just for the boys, but Jeff loves it too.  I put them on the bathroom mirror, on the front door, in dresser drawers.  I want all my boys to be reminded that they are the world to me.
  5. I talk to him frequently while I’m out of town. I’m not a phone talker, but Jeff has shared with me that he really needs to talk to me while I’m gone.  So I give him my full attention, which means I turn off the tv and the computer and focus on him.  I also try to let him end the conversation, so he doesn’t feel as if I’m rushing him.
  6. I pray for him. I confess that I don’t do this nearly as much as I should.  But I ask the Lord to keep Jeff strong, to give the boys a smooth, easy week, and to protect Jeff’s eyes from temptation.  I never forget that this is a spiritual battle, which can only be fought by prayer.

Email:  marsha@puritycoaching.com 

She offers help to spouses of sexual strugglers through phone coaching and online spouses’ support groups.

Check out our site:  www.puritycoaching.com

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, spouses, trauma

September 13, 2014 By Castimonia

Goodbye Letter

This letter was written by one of the members of Castimonia on the request of his therapist.  Please take a moment to read this, it is very powerful.

Goodbye Letter

Dear Addiction,

                I have longed for this day for over 20 years. I’m writing to tell you ‘goodbye’. Sure, I’ve said that before, but before you mock me, I have a few things to say. I’ve been reflecting on our time together lately. I don’t remember when we met; it seems like you’ve always been around. But we really grew close the summer I found that adult magazine. What a rush! I had never met anyone who could make me feel as good as you could. As my companion, you knew the pain I felt as a boy, you understood it better than I did. You were such a comforter, bringing images to mind to take my thoughts away from the pain and uncertainties of life.

                I understand how we grew so close, but I couldn’t see how you were changing me. You changed the way I viewed the world, the way I saw women, and the way I viewed myself. You changed my priorities and passions, you changed my fragile boundaries, and you changed the very structure of my brain!

                I thought of you as a friend, but you were anything but a friend. You brought harm to every part of my being; mind, body and, spirit. You also harmed countless people around me; from people I didn’t even know to the people I loved the most. You destroyed relationships with my family and closest friends. You cost me a marriage, a ministry, and my reputation with my home church. You stole tens of thousands of hours from my work, family, and from life giving pursuits, not to mention the thousands of dollars from my bank account. You took my integrity, confidence, and self-respect. Weren’t you satisfied with all of that? No!

                You drew me away from my God and demanded that I worship you! You took His place in my life, but you were a poor substitute old Familiar One. You never left me nor forsook me, even though I begged you to. I sacrificed the most sacred things for you, but you always wanted more. I feasted at your table, but your food and drink left my soul ravenous and parched. I faithfully listened and obeyed your words, but nothing turned out as you said…NOTHING!!! There were times, it’s true, you brought me comfort, happiness, and wholeness. But your gifts were a mirage, a momentary fix at best. In the end, they brought shame and guilt, which deepened my despair.       In all things, you promised life but delivered death.

                I know this wasn’t ALL your fault. I am to blame, too; I went along, I said “yes”. I invited you in time and time again. I fed you, entertained you, gave you a safe place to reside, and went to all lengths to protect you. I’ve given you far too much power, influence, time, attention, and energy.

                Five months ago today (9/11/14), my loving Father intervened and opened my eyes to see how toxic our relationship was. I severed our relationship because I saw the destruction you brought to my life. Though the scars from our ventures will never go away, your influence will be felt for years to come. Yes, you’ve altered my life forever.   But I am a better man without you. My family is better without you.

                I’ve asked my Heavenly Father to take your place and to show me a better way. We’re on a different path than the one you travel. I know this will make you angry, and you will lurk in the shadows seeking to enslave me once again. But I’m getting stronger by the day old ‘friend’. I know your voice and will be vigilant to watch for you. So it’s time to say a final “goodbye” to you Familiar One, you and your destructive ways are no longer welcome here.

PS: I’m telling other men about you; I’m exposing you for who you really are. I only hope that I can destroy as many of your relationships as you have of mine.

No longer your slave,

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, spouses, strippers, trauma

September 12, 2014 By Castimonia

True To Yourself

To be true to yourself means to act in accordance with who you are and what you believe. If you know and love yourself you will find it effortless to be true to yourself. Just as you cannot love anyone else until you love yourself, you cannot be true to anyone else until you are true to yourself. Be who you are! Have the courage to accept yourself as you really are, not as someone else thinks you should be. Do not take action or pretend to be someone else for the sake of gaining acceptance. When you do things that are not genuine or a reflection of the real you, you will not be happy with yourself and will end up confused. You’ll be confused because you won’t know whom to please, or how. Self-respect comes from being true to who you really are and from acting in accordance with your fundamental nature. When you respect yourself, others will respect you. They will sense that you are strong and capable of standing up for yourself and your beliefs. When you are true to yourself, you allow your individuality and uniqueness to shine through. You respect the opinions of others but do not conform to stereotypes or their expectations of you. To be true to yourself takes courage. It requires you to be introspective, sincere, open-minded and fair. It does not mean that you are inconsiderate or disrespectful of others. It means that you will not let others define you or make decisions for you that you should make for yourself.

http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/betruetoyourself.html

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.” – Raymond Hull

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, christian, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity

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Castimonia Restoration Ministry, Inc. is a 501c3 non-profit organization


This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

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