CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

pornography

By

It really is that simple

by Samantha Baker

My husband has a new job, he’s out of the restaurant environment.   This is a good move, ultimately.  He’s now supervising a kitchen at the regional jail.  So, working with inmates.  He has to go through special training to work with the inmates, obviously.

I was looking through his handbook material the other day and came across this:

Manipulation is all about emotions.  Some offenders will try to manipulate you, “playing on your” emotions.  The chart below lists emotions often used by offenders to manipulate others…and appropriate responses you can use to respond, should you find yourself in such a situation.

Flattery Offender:  “Your the best staff I have.” Response:  “Thank you, but lets stick to the task at hand.”

Empathy Offender:  “My sister died of cancer; I know what you’re going through.” Response:  “My personal life is none of your business, let’s stick to the task at hand.”

Sympathy Offender:  “I don’t have any family or friends and it’s tough being locked up.” Response:  “Your personal life is none of my business, let’s stick to the task at hand.”

Helplessness Offender:  “You’re the only one that can help me through this.” Response:  “Let’s get back to the task at hand, you need to see your counselor about personal issues.”

Confidentiality Offender:  “I trust you, so don’t tell anyone or I’ll get into trouble.” Response:  “I don’t keep secrets, so what ever you tell me, I will tell my supervisor, let’s stick to the task at hand.”

Isolation Offender:  “They treat you like an XXXXX.” Response:  “That is none of your business, let’s stick to the task at hand.”

Touching or Sexual Reference Offender:  “I’m so sorry about that, I didn’t mean to do that, I apologize.” Response:  “WHOA WHOA WHOA!  You are not to touch me ever.  I’m telling my supervisor and you are being written up for this.”

Now…a little tweeking and boy could this be for ANY work environment, especially my husband and his affairs since all of his affairs were with employees.  Hell, my husband WAS THE OFFENDER as well as the giving INAPPROPRIATE responses when he received the manipulation tactics.  I’ve felt often that he used “techniques” to groom his AP’s until they then came on to him.  Now, even more so.

He’s still working on himself, his boundaries, etc.  He’s come a long way, but I still see room for improvement in that he needs to be hyper aware of boundaries.  Not get complacent.

This make it seem so simple, yet why was it so hard for him to not have boundaries?  How was it so easy to repeatedly step over boundaries on a daily basis and put himself into situations where affairs were possible?

By

Conquering our Fear – VIDEO

I recently watched “After Earth” and I thought it had some deeper recovery-related gems.  For those that don’t know much about this movie here is a summary from Wikipedia:

In the future, an environmental cataclysm forces the human race to abandon Earth and settle on a new world, Nova Prime.

One thousand years later, the United Ranger Corps, a peacekeeping military commanded by General Cypher Raige, comes into conflict with alien creatures who intend to conquer Nova Prime. Their primary weapons are the Ursas: large, blind predatory multi-limbed creatures that hunt by sensing pheromones the human body secretes when scared (they literally smell fear). The Rangers struggle against the Ursas until the impassive Cypher learns how to completely suppress his fear, in effect becoming invisible to the Ursa—a technique called “ghosting.” After teaching this to the other Rangers, he leads the Ranger Corps to eventual victory.

In watching this movie, I picked up on  the recovery-related theme.   The subtheme I saw in this movie is that of fighting through and conquering our fears.  This resonates with me in recovery in that I tend to medicate my fear of the unknown with unhealthy activities, even compulsively watching television or sports.  There are a number of fears in my life but one of the things that I have become present to over the last few years is that fear is not real and this is stated clearly in one of the scenes of this movie.  For me, I have to understand that fear is simply Future Events Appearing Real, which means I am afraid of something that has not occurred or may never occur!  I hope this movie helps you with any fears you may have.

As always, take what you like and leave the rest.
FAIR USE NOTICE: This video may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for purposes such as criticism, comment, teaching, & education, etc. This constitutes a ’fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! All trademarks and copyrights remain the property of their owners.

By

Worrying About Cheating Is Pointless

As a codependent man, I have often worried about my partners cheating on me out of my core fear of abandonment. I enjoyed reading this as it hit me right between the eyes.  Worrying about my partner cheating on me is pointless and a waste of energy.  Energy that can be re-routed to become a healthier individual and improve my relationship with God and my wife.

Ask any couple what the deal breaker is in their relationship, and a vast majority will tell you that a cheating spouse is right at the top of the list. It’s easy to conceive why a cheating spouse can spell out the bitter end of what might otherwise have been a forever thing. It’s not just the physical betrayal, but also the loss of trust and the emotional infidelity… A partner being unfaithful can also trigger intense levels of depression, low self-esteem, low self-worth and feelings of abandonment for the person who was cheated on. No one wants to feel as though their partner simply found someone better than they are, that they weren’t good enough to love forever. All of this adds up to make complete sense of the fear that many people feel towards the possibility of infidelity in their relationship. But when it comes down to it, the fear of being cheated on is a personal insecurity that only you can change. Don’t get me wrong. If you’ve been cheated on before, I know it’s hard to trust again. Believe me, I’ve been there. But there comes a point when you have to stop punishing yourself and say ‘What they did was about them, not about me’. They chose to cheat because of the kind of person they are, because of the circumstances they allowed themselves to become involved in, not because you weren’t good enough. Yet, it’s hard to believe that when you’ve been betrayed and your relationship has been fractured, and you express the fear that remains with the following kinds of actions or behavior:

* Insecurity about personal looks and attributes

* Checking in on where the other person is going, or has been

* Snooping on phones, emails or internet accounts

* Constantly telling the other person that you know they will leave you for someone else

* Seeking constant reassurance

* Searching through your partners personal items or vehicle for evidence

All of these responses are understandable, but they are also complete energy and time wasters. Obsessing about your partner cheating won’t stop it from happening. From an article by Rachael Lay
http://www.rachaellay.com/why-worrying-about-cheating-is-pointless/

“It takes two people to create a successful relationship. It only takes one person to make it fail.” – From “Truth About Deception”

By

Vince Lombardi on Emotions

“I’m a highly emotional man, I’m quick to tears and I’m quick to praise and I’m quick to all of those things.  I think anyone who tries to hide their emotions, I think makes a mistake.  I think you’ve got to do things according to your own personality.  This is all part of what ever little bit of success I’ve had too.  I think this is most important.” – Vince Lombardi

By

Overcome Your Fear Of Rejection

Human nature is very complex. Men have learned to be strong, competitive and courageous in times of danger. History has shown that we are able to conquer our fears and reach our goals — as long as our will, conviction and desire are present. Mankind has overcome the hardships of war and natural disasters. Yet there is one natural fear that seems to overshadow most men: the fear of rejection. This instinctive emotion paralyzes and hinders us from doing the things we really want to do, including meeting women. Some men are so afraid of rejection that they would rather run through a minefield than walk up to a woman and ask her out on a date. The need to feel desirable and part of a group is inevitable, and some people will place themselves in extreme circumstances just to preserve that feeling of belonging. …there is a very simple way to overcome this crippling emotion: Develop a greater fear of regret. My father hit the nail on the head when he told me that I wouldn’t regret the times that I made a complete fool of myself, but rather the times that I didn’t try something out of fear. I learned that valuable lesson way back in my early 20s. I had a crazy crush on this sweet girl, but I was too concerned with rejection to ask her out. A few years later, I bumped into her at a friend’s party and found out that she also used to have a thing for me. I finally let her know that I’d had a crush on her, to which she replied, “Why didn’t you do or say anything?” Of course, it was too late because she had already gotten married. Most men fear rejection because it lowers their self-esteem. But there is really no reason to lose any confidence when women say “no” because they aren’t really rejecting you. How could they be rejecting you when they don’t even know what you’re all about? The important thing to remember is that no one in this world can appeal to everyone’s tastes. Each woman has her preferences, so if she rejects you, it just means that you don’t fit the description of what she desires. If you think that women who reject your drink offers or date requests are frightening, you don’t know what true rejection is about. Once a man sees what true rejection is, he realizes how childish it is to fear approaching unfamiliar women. True rejection occurs when a woman rejects a man with whom she has spent a considerable amount of time. It is the ultimate rejection because the man is dismissed due to his all-around identity. From an article by Curt Smith

“As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” – Jesse Joseph