CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Don’t Give Up Too Soon

Marriage therapists are much more likely to see a couple after the marriage reaches the breaking point, rather than early in the process of breaking down. Both partners at this distressing juncture will often be experiencing despair, and they’ll ask the therapist’s opinion about whether they should “just end it.” The real feelings lurking behind such a question actually sound more like this, “We’re so tired of trying the same old things and getting nowhere in our relationship. Can’t you give us something new to try?” The answer is yes, if you’re willing to work hard at it, and learn the signs of marital trouble. Divorce remains at historic highs compared with the 1950s. According to the U.S. Census, one-half of the first marriages of baby boomer couples will end in divorce or separation. Both men and women experience marital disaffection or the dying-out of love between two spouses. The process is painful for everyone; sometimes as agonizing for one or both partners as the death of a loved one. What’s also true is that many married men and women come to the conclusion that their marriage is over prematurely. That is, they give up from exhaustion and despair when there are still things that can be done to save the marriage. When a relationship begins to turn sour, inevitably people blame their partner. Being right and making the other wrong starts to hold more value to each spouse than the goal of maintaining love, peace, and harmony in the relationship. Underlying whatever the couple is arguing about, be it housekeeping, an affair, or one partner’s long hours at the office, there are deep unacknowledged hurts and disappointments. A woman often feels unappreciated or unloved. A man feels nagged or neglected. The danger is that the couple never goes below the surface of the antagonisms reigning in the present, never knows what they’re actually fighting about, and each blames the other for the standoff that results. In this scenario of battling spouses, the ego reigns supreme and love begins to die. When harsh words, physical distance, and immature behaviors such as irrational spending have replaced the gestures of love, it’s sometimes difficult to understand what’s actually going on in your marriage. It appears to have fallen completely apart and you can’t recall why you ever “fell in love” with this person in the first place. From an article by Stephen Martin, MFT, and Victoria Costello http://www.netplaces.com/happy-marriage/danger-signs-in-a-marriage/dont-give-up-too-soon.htm

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. Friedrich Nietzsche

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The Twelve Steps – VIDEO

Drama and suspense have never really been my favorite genres of movies but I am a big fan of Liam Neeson ever since he played a Jedi Knight in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.  And then there were the Taken movies where he single-handedly fights human trafficking!  I watch a lot of movies, not sure if you can tell and some have recovery themes and some do not.  Nevertheless, watching any movie with my “recovery glasses” allows me to spot recovery themes.  These themes can include alcoholism, drug addiction, support groups, honesty, courage, selfishness, selflessness, redemption, etc… that are portrayed in the movie. 

A Walk Among the Tombstones is one of these movies.  The plot of this movie has been pasted below courtesy of Google:

Matt Scudder (Liam Neeson), formerly part of the NYPD, now works as an unlicensed private detective. His latest client is a drug trafficker (Dan Stevens) whose wife was kidnapped and brutally murdered, and as Scudder delves deeper, he finds that the crime’s sequence is the modus operandi of the perpetrators. Before they can strike again and destroy other lives, Scudder races through the back streets of New York to catch the killers, blurring the lines between lawful and criminal as he goes.

 I’ll be honest.  The only reason I posted this movie was because Neeson’s character was a recovering alcoholic and he actively attends meetings and works on his recovery.  I really enjoy a movie that openly acknowledges the Twelve Steps even if the plot of the movie is not about recovery.  What I like about this movie is that Neeson’s character has suffered through a lot of trauma, especially against the brutal murderers in this movie and he still works his program, attends meetings, and believes in the promises of AA.

I hope you enjoy watching this video as much as I enjoyed creating it.  As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

FAIR USE NOTICE: This video may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for purposes such as criticism, comment, teaching, & education, etc. This constitutes a ’fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! All trademarks and copyrights remain the property of their owners.

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Male Emotions

Fear and shame result from messages that men are not doing the job – in the work place, or at home. And the job is increasingly difficult to accomplish today, because the man as sole bread-winner is unrealistic in this economy. In a sense, life was much easier for men in the past, when they were simply hunters and warriors. A complicating factor is the male tendency to fear any “feminine” aspect of their personality, behavior or feelings. Men, who are raised predominately by women, are afraid that certain emotions, and their need for nurturance, means they are not masculine. If they are emotionally vulnerable, sensitive, or dependent on others, they feel ashamed and out of control. A man who is shamed by childhood abuse or enmeshment with an overprotective mother may become emotionally hypersensitive and subject to narcissistic injury (any perceived insult, complaints, criticism, or unmet entitlement needs lead to excessively hurt, angry feelings). There are many challenges for boys learning to be men today, particularly in families where effective male role models are not fully available. In too many families, distressed parents are angry, rejecting, or even abusive. The male brain often adapts to these circumstances, and can result in defensive role rigidity, anger and rage. Boys learn during childhood to suppress emotion – for boys becoming men, feelings and their expression can be considered shameful. To complicate this situation, boys are not generally socialized or taught to connect, bond, or develop meaningful, emotionally supportive relationships – especially with other boys and men. Boys are physiologically and neurologically oriented toward action, tasks, and playing with objects – not toward relating interpersonally. Raised primarily by women, boys get most or all of their emotional needs met by women without any required reciprocity on their part. This results in emotional, narcissistic injuries as adults when their needs and expectations are not met. Anger develops as a coping mechanism. William Pollack (1995) says that anger is their “way of weeping” – the way they express their emotional pain. From article by Richard J. Loebl, LCSW, PA http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-men.html

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” – James Baldwin

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Wowing Your Wife in 2015: 10 Sexual Recovery Steps

by Frank Honess

Thinking back on 2014 and the previous 5 years, I can see clearly now more than ever how much my addiction hurt my wife.  I’m thankful today for my continual sobriety AND for my wife’s continual healing but if I could go back 5 years ago to my former self and share some of the lessons I’ve learned since then, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Specifically, I would share with my past self some serious steps I needed to take to show my wife that I was for real about recovery.

Here’s a list of 10 recovery steps I wish I would have taken sooner in life:

  1. Be 110% honest about your addiction.  One of the bi-products of being a sex addict is that you’ve basically become a complete liar.  And while I shared with my wife Tracey my addiction, I wasn’t continually honest with her about porn relapses and chose to cover up, minimize, even justify my actions.
  2. Confess everything.  The major idea here is that we as men are afraid to bear all of our weaknesses to a complete stranger, let alone our wives! But the more we deceive and try to skirt the truth, the deeper we go in our addiction and the more distance we put between those we love, especially our wives.
  3. Don’t hesitate to give up all sources of struggle.  Believe me when I say this: You can live without your MacBook, iPhone, and your iPad.  You can’t afford to lose your marriage and your family. Even if it is for a season, ask yourself: “What am I willing to give up so I can be free?”
  4. Find support NOW.  While you are always accountable to your wife, it’s probably not wise to use her as your sole source of accountability.  Finding men who can encourage you and ask you the hard questions is the key.  Accountability partners and a good support group can make all the difference between success and failure.
  5. Learn where the addiction came from.  Most likely, porn hooked you before you met your wife.  It’s important for your own life (and the welfare of your marriage) that you know what the source of the addiction is.
  6. Give your wife a brief weekly update on your progress.  My wife loves to know how I’m doing. And far too often, I just “assume” she knows that I’m doing good when I may not be.  You don’t necessarily have to go into extreme detail, but keeping the lines of communication open is always a win.
  7. Pray for your wife’s continual healing.  Your addiction has devastated her.  As you take action against sexual struggles, ask God to help her see the difference in your life.  Encourage her to seek out healthy outlets where she can work through her pain too.
  8. Be sensitive when she is triggered.  This was a very difficult one for me at first. I translated it as her being upset with me or not happy with me.  But just as you’re triggered by a sexual stimuli, she will be triggered by a painful memory or feeling.  Be understanding.
  9. Remind her every day of her beauty.  So many wives think because of their husband’s porn use, that something is wrong with them or that they are unattractive.  And while we know this is untrue, our wives don’t.
  10. Never give up pursuing sexual integrity.  Your wife needs to see that you’re in this for the long haul, not just for a few months. Yes, it will be difficult at first to stay clean and there will be relapses.  But becoming sexually pure is worth fighting for. Your marriage and your family are worth fighting for.

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Recovery is Worth the Journey

by Frank Honess

As men, we’re built with some strong inherent tendencies like accomplishing, achieving, and conquering all that is before us in life. Like a mighty warrior galloping into battle against enemy forces, we fix our eyes on one thing: complete and total victory. I believe we as men live for conquering.

Now, meet the man who has dealt with a sexual addiction for years in his life. In his attempts to “conquer” this addiction on his own, he runs into walls – time and time again. Believe it or not, his story is very typical. Many men in his same shoes simply expect to sweep porn, masturbation, and fantasy under the rug. And some even try to pretend they don’t have a problem at all.

Perhaps you’ve been one of those men. There’s good news and bad news. Which do you want first? Let’s get the bad news out of the way first: Sexual addictions are some of the toughest addictions to kick and achieve sobriety over a lifetime. The good news? Healing and sobriety are possible and thousands of men are finding freedom every day because they have learned the right perspectives on how to fight not only today but also tomorrow, next month, and even next year.

As we enter a new year, what are some perspectives we need to have in order to find the freedom we so desperately long for? I’ve categorized these perspectives according to three places in our recovery journeys: The short-term, the in-between, and the long-term.

  1. The Short-term – This is the “here and now” of recovery. I believe that the starting place in recovery from sex addiction is coming to a place of brokenness. Acknowledging inward pain and also the pain you’ve caused others because of your addiction is critical. Simply wanting to stop using porn is not enough. Your actions must begin to reflect your desires for purity. Find a counselor, support group, and safe people who can walk with you through your addiction. These need to be people who will stick with you through those first few days, weeks, and months coming out of your addiction.
  2. The In-between – This is the day to day journey that bridges the short-term and the long-term places in recovery. Are you learning what triggers you towards using porn and acting out? Stress? Anxiety? Anger? Loneliness? What is the source of the pain inside of you? It’s so important to learn about the “whys” and “whats” that have driven you to sexual addiction. Until you start digging up what’s underneath the surface, it will be virtually impossible to heal.
  3. The Long-term – This is the place in the recovery journey that so many struggle to get to. It’s not because of their lack of sincerity, but because of their lack of action. Having systems in place like filtering software on all your devices will save you from temptations that come your way. While the season of seeing a counselor and attending a support group may have ended, consider this: Are you in continual communication with an accountability partner who is helping you commit to purity? In the long-term leg of the journey, perseverance will become your best friend in sexual recovery.

Like many trips I’ve taken for business or pleasure, it takes time to get where you want to go. And as I think back on my favorite places to travel to, many of them were pretty long trips. But the hours of travel make the destination totally worth it. The same can be said for sexual recovery. Commit to the journey and don’t give up!

– Frank