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Why some couples just can’t seem to reconcile–Part 3

http://affaircare.com/2014/02/23/why-some-couples-just-cant-seem-to-reconcile-part-3/

by Cindy at Affaircare

Have you ever known a couple who decided to reconcile after one of them had an affair?  They even went to a marriage counselor and everything! Yet they just spun their wheels and never could really get ahead, and they ended up divorcing even though they really tried?

Or is that maybe where you find yourself today? Your spouse had an affair -OR- you were unfaithful, and the two of you made a choice–a decision–to reconcile, but it just isn’t working?  Oh you are going to marriage counseling and the counselor told you to “try dating” but how in the world do you DATE someone who tore your heart out?  How do you DATE someone who gave you the silent treatment when you desperately needed and wanted their attention?  You’re trying…and I mean really trying, not that faking it stuff… and yet somehow you get no traction and your marriage just is not recovering.  You worry if you will ever feel loved again and wonder if you’ll just end up divorcing even after all this effort.

Today is the final in our series examining why some couples have so much difficulty reconciling. (If you want to catch up, here is Part 1 and Part 2.)  There is an uncomplicated reason, but in order to understand the explanation, you need to understand our Basic Concepts here at Affaircare.  Let me summarize:

To keep it simple, envision that the love in your marriage is like a campfire. There are actions that people do to stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers (we will be going over the Love Kindlers over the next week). Much as adding fuel to a fire keeps it burning, makes it brighter and warmer, so concentrating on Kindlers, making them part of your daily interaction, builds the fire of love in your marriage. There are actions that people do that are like putting water on a fire–some are like dribbles out of a holey bucket, and some are like dumping a big bucket of water on the fire. Smothering a fire will eventually put it out. Actions that kill the fires of your love are Love Extinguishers.

When you go to marriage counseling, and you’re told to “try dating” …what the counselor is focusing on is the Love Kindlers. But what happens is that the husband tries to think of some nice “kindler” to do for his wife but picks the wrong love language, so she doesn’t notice or if she does notice…she’s underwhelmed. Well hey–it didn’t mean love to her in her language! So he gets upset that he put ALL THAT EFFORT into it, and got no benefit, no brownie points, no passion…and he starts finding fault with everything she does, and one step forward just became three steps back! Or the wife tries to win her husband with his favorite meal and a ticket to the ballgame (what guy wouldn’t love that?) but she works herself into a frenzy that he’s going to meet “her” at the game and ends up bringing up the affair and making several disrespectful judgments about why he’d rather go to a sporting event than be with her. One step forward…three steps back!

Love Kindlers are lovely. They are! They are what make us fall in love with each other, and we often call them “romance.” But we can not fall in love with each other if we are sabotaging the relationship with LOVE EXTINGUISHERS. So before you can get to the rather fun part of adding Love Kindlers, it is vital to first look at yourself (not your spouse, and I don’t care if they were the Disloyal or not), and be honest.  Have you been doing these things?  If you have, forget the Kindlers for now and practice stopping these Love Extinguishers!! Last week, we looked at the first four extinguisher: Emotional Neglect, Spiritual Neglect, Physical Neglect, and Financial Neglect–and today we address the final three Love Extinguishers: Family Neglect, Social Neglect, and Security Neglect.

1.  Emotional Neglect

2.  Spiritual Neglect

3.  Physical Neglect

4.  Financial Neglect

5.  Family Neglect

  • Refusing to Leave and Cleave–Are you still a ‘Mama’s Boy” or do you still run to your Mommy every time you two disagree? Do you drag your In-Laws into your marital business?
  • Not Making Time for Personal Adult Time–Do you go to the gym, PTA, board meetings, church activities, and out with friends…but make no adult time for your spouse?
  • Not Making Time for Each Child-Child Rearing–Do you have so many activities so that you are neglecting spending time with the children? Do you just let your spouse do that stuff with the kids and shirk that parental responsibility?
  • Inequitable Distribution of Household Chores–Do you expect your spouse to do all the household chores (like vacuuming, laundry, dishes and mowing) and never notice or thank them, while you sit and watch TV or relax?  Do you do ever give your spouse a “break” from their chores and do for them what you expect them to do for you?
  • Getting Too Comfortable: Giving Up–Have you gotten lax and don’t put any effort into the family, the marriage, yourself or life? Are you a slug that just sits there and won’t interact?

6.  Social Neglect

  • Irritating Habits (Discourteous)–Do you chew your food with your mouth open? Leave stuff all over the counters? Make piles all over the house? Interrupt?  Do what your spouse has asked you a thousand times to stop doing?
  • Independent Behavior–Do you ignore your spouse’s thoughts and interests, and just do what YOU want to do? Do your have your own set of friends and do your own activities that EXCLUDE your spouse?
  • Not Sharing Activities or Free Time Together–Do you sit at home like a lump and ignore your spouse? Do you ignore your spouse’s need to occasionally see another living being? Do you refuse have any couple friends or do anything with your spouse that you both enjoy?
  • The Silent Treatment or Not Listening Actively–Do you give your spouse the cold shoulder for DAYS ON END? Do they try to talk to you and you ignore them? Do you let them talk but they can tell you are just planning what you are going to say and not really listening at all?

7.  Security Neglect

  • Angry Explosions–Do you ramp up a disagreement until there is yelling and an explosion? Do you try to ‘hurt them back’ or punish your spouse for hurting you? Do you rage at your spouse?
  • Attack Dog (Verbal/Emotional Abuse)–Do you “go for the jugular” in a particularly cruel way? Do you use words to just lay them to waste? Do you emotionally DESTROY your spouse just for disagreeing with you?
  • Passive Warmonger (Passive-Aggressive)–Do you always say you”forgot” to do the the things you agreed to do? Do you say nasty things about your spouse and then say “It was just a joke! You have no sense of humor!”?
  • Physical Abuse–Physical abuse isn’t always “hitting.” Have you ever THREATENED a pet? Punched the wall right near your spouse’s head? Grabbed them? Pushed them? Kept them awake all night arguing? Thrown something at them? Attacked them with a knife or knitting needles or scissors? Stood in the way so they couldn’t leave?
  • Not Being a Safe Haven—Can your spouse be their True Self with you and know that they are safe and loved and accepted? When they come to you for support or comfort during a time of vulnerability do you add to the hurt?

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The Case of the Super Christian

1 Timothy 1:12–17 – “I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners — of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might dis­play his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever.”

Do you find yourself struggling to measure up to the way you think a Christian is supposed to behave? How would you feel if a great Christian leader admitted to a similar struggle? Many of us probably find Paul’s self­-disclosure above a great relief because we struggle with a perfectionist ideal of how a mature Christian should behave. We idealize others we know or see in leadership and compare ourselves to them, feeling we do not embody the love, grace, patience and wisdom a “good” Christian should.

As a result we feel inferior, guilty and discouraged; our growth path becomes hampered by these obstacles. However, knowing that someone like Paul, who served God passionately and accomplished so much in his life, can say that he is “the worst of sinners,” gives us hope. It helps us to not focus on trying to be a “super Christian” and instead accept where we are today.

The goal of spiritual growth is not perfection but maturity. Our growth in Jesus will bear fruit in a transformed life and character (see Galatians 5:22 – 23). But we will still have issues and struggles. The Apostle Paul also said, “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me” (see Philippians 3:12). We must press on and not let our imperfections get us down.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

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Why some couples just can’t seem to reconcile–Part 2

http://affaircare.com/2014/02/18/why-some-couples-just-cant-seem-to-reconcile-part-2/

by Cindy at Affaircare

Have you ever known a couple who decided to reconcile after one of them had an affair?  They even went to a marriage counselor and everything! Yet they just spun their wheels and never could really get ahead, and they ended up divorcing even though they really tried?

Or is that maybe where you find yourself today? Your spouse had an affair -OR- you were unfaithful, and the two of you made a choice–a decision–to reconcile, but it just isn’t working?  Oh you are going to marriage counseling and the counselor told you to “try dating” but how in the world do you DATE someone who tore your heart out?  How do you DATE someone who gave you the silent treatment when you desperately needed and wanted their attention?  You’re trying…and I mean really trying, not that faking it stuff… and yet somehow you get no traction and your marriage just is not recovering.  You worry if you will ever feel loved again and wonder if you’ll just end up divorcing even after all this effort.

Today is the second in our series examining why some couples have so much difficulty reconciling. (If you want to catch up, here is Part 1.)  There is an uncomplicated reason, but in order to understand the explanation, you need to understand our Basic Concepts here at Affaircare.  Let me summarize:

To keep it simple, envision that the love in your marriage is like a campfire. There are actions that people do to stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers. Much as adding fuel to a fire keeps it burning, makes it brighter and warmer, so concentrating on Kindlers, making them part of your daily interaction, builds the fire of your marriage. There are actions that people do that are like putting water on a fire–some are like dribbles out of a holey bucket, and some are like dumping a big bucket of water on the fire. Smothering a fire will eventually put it out. Actions that kill the fires of your love are Love Extinguishers.

When you go to marriage counseling, and you’re told to “try dating” …what the counselor is focusing on is the Love Kindlers. But what happens is that the husband tries to think of some nice “kindler” to do for his wife but picks the wrong love language, so she doesn’t notice or if she does notice…she’s underwhelmed. Well hey–it didn’t mean love to her in her language! So he gets upset that he put ALL THAT EFFORT into it, and got no benefit, no brownie points, no passion…and he starts finding fault with everything she does, and one step forward just became three steps back! Or the wife tries to win her husband with his favorite meal and a ticket to the ballgame (what guy wouldn’t love that?) but she works herself into a frenzy that he’s going to meet “her” at the game and ends up bringing up the affair and making several disrespectful judgments about why he’d rather go to a sporting event than be with her. One step forward…three steps back!

Love Kindlers are lovely. They are! They are what make us fall in love with each other, and we often call them “romance.” But we can not fall in love with each other if we are sabotaging the relationship with LOVE EXTINGUISHERS. So before you can get to the rather fun part of adding Love Kindlers, it is vital to first look at yourself (not your spouse, and I don’t care if they were the Disloyal or not), and be honest.  Have you been doing these things?  If you have, forget the Kindlers for now and practice stopping these Love Extinguishers!! Yesterday we looked at Emotional Neglect and Spiritual Neglect–and today we address two more common Love Extinguisher: Physical Neglect and Financial Neglect.

1.  Emotional Neglect

2. Spiritual Neglect

3.  Physical Neglect

  • No Tender Touches (Hugs, Kisses, Touches)–Do you touch your spouse in affectionate but non-sexual ways, like hugs, kisses, holding hands or cuddling?  Do you touch them in ways that they like or as often as they’d like?
  • Withholding Sexual Fulfillment–Within the marriage is the only MORAL place for a man and woman to express themselves sexually. Do you reject your spouse sexually? Do you have an excuse every day for not having sex? Or when you do “let them have sex,” do you lay there like a dead fish?  Is the sexual activity in your marriage the way that they like it or as often as they’d like? How much does your spouse need sexual fulfillment?
  • Abandoning Physical Attractiveness–Do you keep yourself physically attractive for your spouse?  Do you still fix up your hair and keep it in an attractive haircut?  Do you keep your body physically fit and/or curvy in a way that your spouse finds attractive, or did you let yourself go? Have you gotten lazy about your grooming and hygiene?  Do you smell good or have your worn the same pair of sweats/jeans for a week now?  Speaking of sweats, do you were clothing that is complimentary to your physique or baggy, holey clothing?

4.  Financial Neglect

  • Ongoing Unemployment (that is not part of a mutual agreement)–Were you employed when you and your spouse met?  Were you contributing to the household financially, but once you got laid off now all you do is sleep until noon, play video games or watch Maury, and send out one resume a week?
  • Unwilling/Unable to Live by a Budget–Have you and your spouse gone over the finances, agreed to a budget, and then your spouse found you went on a “secret” shopping spree anyway or bought a toy the two of you just could not afford?
  • Hidden Debt–Have you taken out a credit card without telling your spouse and run it all the way up to the limit? Have you got hidden creditors that keep jumping out and surprising your spouse?  Do you have debts for past poor financial decisions that you actively hide?
  • Hidden Spending or Overspending–Have you bought a whole new wardrobe and then brought it into the house piece by piece so your spouse wouldn’t notice? Or bought a new “truck” even though the two of you were on the edge of bankruptcy?
  • IRS or Legal Financial Trouble (Judgements, Liens)–This is pretty self-explanatory.  Do you have debts to the IRS or the State Dept. of Revenue and now your spouse’s bank account or the joint account is garnished?  Or do you have fines or liens that you have neglected to pay and now they are hounding our spouse about your legal problems?

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The Parable of the Prodigal Son……..with a different ending

The Parable of the Prodigal Son……..with a different ending

Luke 15:11-32

by Mike M.

This story is for those who feel that what they have done is so awful and so bad that there is no way God could still love them. It’s for those who think they are worthless, and not worthy of God’s love. There are also those who feel that God is so disappointed over what they have done that He can never look at them the same way again with love and compassion. This story is for them.

The Story            

                Our story begins with the prodigal son at the point he “came to his senses.” (vs. 17) In Alcoholics Anonymous and other recovery groups, they call it “finding your true bottom.” That’s the point at which he woke up and all the money was gone, his “friends” had left him, and he was broke and hungry. He got a job feeding pigs, and envied the pigs because they had food to eat. “Wow, I have really screwed up!” he thought. “This lifestyle doesn’t work. I have made a mess out of my life! I have sinned against heaven and against my father and my family. Look at me now — starving to death. Why, even the servants in my father’s house have food to eat! I’m going home.”

                So he gets up and starts walking back home. It’s a long journey, for he had gone to a distant country.

Finally, one day he climbs to the top of a hill and there, in the distance, he can see his home!

Fond memories of childhood growing up there, and of safety and security quicken his step. But then he remembers his fall from grace, and the shame and guilt of it weighs him down until he is barely trudging along the road.

Alternative Ending

(This is where we depart from the narrative as told by Jesus – vs. 20)

                His father is sitting on the porch looking out toward the road and sees him coming, but does not get up. When the young man arrives he falls forward on his knees and bows his head.

“I knew you would come back, starving, penniless, and groveling,” the father says in a tone of disgust.

“Father…” the boy begins.

“Just a minute! It’s my turn to tell you some things. You wouldn’t listen before. Just turned your back and stormed off. You just had to get out of here after I gave you all of that money — my money! I’m sure you wasted it all on prostitutes, drinking and carousing, too.”

“Father, I…”

“I told your mother when you were little, I said, ‘He’ll never amount to anything. He’s worthless. Look at him, he can’t do anything right!’ She protested and fought with me about it, but I knew I was right. Guess I should be grateful she’s not around anymore to see your failure. Your brother and I had a good chuckle about it the other day, though. We were sure you would come crawling back when the money ran out.”

The boy looks up at his father’s face entreatingly. The father waves his hand dismissively.

“Oh, go ahead, say what you came to say.”

“Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make

me like one of your hired servants.”

The father considers this for a moment, then blurts out,

“You think that makes everything all right?”

He rises from the chair in anger, pointing a finger at his son, and yelling.

“You actually thought you could demand your inheritance, flit off to a distant country, squander all of my money in riotous living, then come waltzing back here, ask for forgiveness, and all would be well?”

The boy just stares at the ground. The father sits back down, furious. He tries to compose himself, and in a voice still seething with anger, but not as loud, says,

“Get up. That’s right — stand up!”

After the boy rises, the father continues.

“Foolish boy! You never learn, do you? It doesn’t work like that. You’re going to pay for what you’ve done! And you bet you’ll work like a servant of this house! Why, I’ve had servants more faithful and loyal than you!”

With that the father shakes his head in disbelief, rises and turns to go into the house. Then he abruptly stops, turns around and walks down the steps to where his son is standing, who is biting his lip in fear. Pointing a finger directly in his son’s face, in a measured, angry tone he says,

“And don’t forget. I’m keeping my eye on you! One little slip and Boom! You’re out of here! In fact,

I’m going to have your brother check on you. That’s right — your brother. Now, there’s loyalty for you.

Works hard, always does what he’s told. Never asks for anything special.”

The son walks away after his father leaves, knowing he did the right thing by coming home, but in a state of

utter hopelessness and despair.

Application

Friends, God could be the God of the alternative ending! He would have every right to be. But how fortunate we are that He is not!

Of course we know this is not how the story ended as told by Jesus. This ending is 180 degrees from the impression of God’s love and concern for us He was teaching. In the previous parables here in Luke 15 — the Lost Sheep, the Lost Coin — Jesus talks about how the angels in heaven rejoice over one sinner who repents!

But we get down on ourselves and think we’re not worthy, or that He loves others, but not us. When we do this, we’re not paying attention! Somehow it is easier to check out of “hope” and check into “self-doubt.”

Listen to David, the sweet singer of Israel, talk about His attitude toward us.

Psalm 25:6, 7

Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love,

    for they are from of old.

Do not remember the sins of my youth

    and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me,

    for you, Lord, are good.

Psalm 25:11

For the sake of your name, Lord,

    forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

Psalm 51:1, 2

Have mercy on me, O God,

    according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

    blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity

    and cleanse me from my sin.

Psalm 51:9

Hide your face from my sins

    and blot out all my iniquity.

Psalm 51:17

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;

    a broken and contrite heart

    you, God, will not despise.

 

Now, what about the prodigal son?   Did he have a broken and contrite heart? Of course.

But his father took that heart and crushed it (in the alternative ending). Our Father will not do that.

Remember, when He forgives, He forgets.

Hebrews 8:12

For I will forgive their wickedness

    and will remember their sins no more.

“But, He’s God! How can he forget?”

I don’t know. Maybe He chooses to not remember. Think about your own children. Do you remember everything they did wrong 10 years ago?

 

Conclusion

Perhaps some of us experienced abuse from our earthly father, and consequently we have molded this into

our perception of our Heavenly Father. Even if this isn’t the case, our view of God is heavily influenced by our relationship with our earthly father. Let us remember that when we repent and come back from sin, our Heavenly father welcomes us with open arms.

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Why some couples just can’t seem to reconcile–Part 1

http://affaircare.com/2014/02/17/why-some-couples-just-cant-seem-to-reconcile-part-1/

Have you ever known a couple who decided to reconcile after one of them had an affair?  They even went to a marriage counselor and everything! Yet they just spun their wheels and never could really get ahead, and they ended up divorcing even though they really tried?

Or is that maybe where you find yourself today?  Your spouse had an affair -OR- you were unfaithful, and the two of you made a choice–a decision–to reconcile, but it just isn’t working?  Oh you are going to marriage counseling and the counselor told you to “try dating” but how in the world do you DATE someone who tore your heart out?  How do you DATE someone who gave you the silent treatment when you desperately needed and wanted their attention?  You’re trying…and I mean really trying, not that faking it stuff… and yet somehow you get no traction and your marriage just is not recovering.  You worry if you will ever feel loved again and wonder if you’ll just end up divorcing even after all this effort.

There is an uncomplicated reason why some couples just can not seem to reconcile, but in order to understand the explanation, you need to understand our Basic Concepts here at Affaircare.  Let me summarize:

To keep it simple, envision that the love in your marriage is like a campfire. There are actions that people do to stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers. Much as adding fuel to a fire keeps it burning, makes it brighter and warmer, so concentrating on Kindlers, making them part of your daily interaction, builds the fire of your marriage. There are actions that people do that are like putting water on a fire–some are like dribbles out of a holey bucket, and some are like dumping a big bucket of water on the fire. Smothering a fire will eventually put it out. Actions that kill the fires of your love are Love Extinguishers.

When you go to marriage counseling, and you’re told to “try dating” …what the counselor is focusing on is the Love Kindlers. But what happens is that the husband tries to think of some nice “kindler” to do for his wife but picks the wrong love language, so she doesn’t notice or if she does notice…she’s underwhelmed. Well hey–it didn’t mean love to her in her language! So he gets upset that he put ALL THAT EFFORT into it, and got no benefit, no brownie points, no passion…and he starts finding fault with everything she does, and one step forward just became three steps back! Or the wife tries to win her husband with his favorite meal and a ticket to the ballgame (what guy wouldn’t love that?) but she works herself into a frenzy that he’s going to meet “her” at the game and ends up bringing up the affair and making several disrespectful judgments about why he’d rather go to a sporting event than be with her. One step forward…three steps back!

Love Kindlers are lovely. They are! They are what make us fall in love with each other, and we often call them “romance.” But we can not fall in love with each other if we are sabotaging the relationship with LOVE EXTINGUISHERS. So before you can get to the rather fun part of adding Love Kindlers, it is vital to first look at yourself (not your spouse, and I don’t care if they were the Disloyal or not), and be honest.  Have you been doing these things?  If you have, forget the Kindlers for now and practice stopping these Love Extinguishers!!

1.  Emotional Neglect

  • Scorekeeper–Do you keep track of who “won” or who has done the chore more times? Does your marriage feel like a competition?
  • Fault Finder–Do you make a practice of discovering your spouse’s faults and then pointing them out over and over? Criticize everything they do?
  • Controlling–Do you manipulate every situation to your own benefit? Center their existence around you? Tell them where they can and can not go, for how long, and with whom?
  • Bottomless Pit–No matter what they do to try to please you, do you always want more? Are you unable to express gratitude or pleasure?

2. Spiritual Neglect

  • Will Not Forgive–Did they do something wrong a long time ago, and you are STILL holding it over their head ? Even if they do everything you tell them, you never let them off the hook?
  • Lack of Personal Transparency–Do you hide your cell phone from your spouse and close the screen on your PC when your spouse walks into the room? Do you keep them at arm’s length and hide yourself and your life from them?
  • Smoke and Mirrors–Do you give your spouse false information with the express intent of making them doubt themselves, their memory or their sanity?
  • Disrespectful Judgments–Do you act like you are “straightening your spouse out”? Do your lecture them instead of discussing respectfully? Are they afraid to discuss their point of view with you?