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I’m a Pastor and I Look At Porn

by Frank Honess

I’ve had two conversations lately with senior pastors who found themselves in bad situations. After years of hidden porn addiction, they decided they didn’t want to keep living like this, so they confessed to their wives and then called me to talk about their next steps.

Out of every hundred calls I get, only two are ever like this. Two from pastors who didn’t get caught, who came clean on their own before their addiction progressed to strip clubs, hiring prostitutes, office affairs, or anything else.

I don’t care if they’re pastors or not: these guys are brave. These guys will break free because they are no longer living with the shame and guilt and secrets.

Think about it for a second… Could you come clean without getting caught first? I want to say I could, but it’s very difficult to be certain about that.

So what’s next for these guys?

With their wives’ support, some fantastic friends around them, and a few great resources, these guys will be fine in their personal lives and in their hearts. When you make the decision to come clean and break free from porn, you have a much better chance of long-lasting healing than when someone else makes the decision for you.

That’s the good news. But now comes the question: what about their jobs?

If they worked for the government, they would have no problem. Heck, Obama’s aides were getting prostitutes on a recent trip, and they just got sent home. But since these men are pastors who work and run churches, they do have a problem, and this is what sucks.

I offered to talk to their boards and do whatever I can to keep these guys in their jobs. Why? Because they are brave, courageous, and had enough integrity to come clean before they get caught. They will be able now to relate to so many more people in their congregation because of this. This is real life stuff that is messy — and that should be okay. It’s a tremendous example to our churches that life is messy. After all, Jesus came for the sick not the healthy and I think we expect way too much of our pastors to think they are the healthiest ones in the congregation.

Sometimes — more than you think — pastors are the sickest.

If either of these pastors’ churches fires them, then we have it all wrong. They’re upholding a backward standard:

Confess your sin = lose your job
Conceal your sin = keep your job

I have a hard time with the Ted Haggards of this world and other TV guys who have blown their ministries and families into pieces, been caught, and who were able to step right back into ministry. If you get caught, the consequences should be way more severe; if you come clean on your own, there should be grace given and extended.

If these churches fire these guys, then they send a message to the rest of your staff and congregation, making it all the harder for them to come clean on their own. If we want people to live free of this stuff, we have to encourage honesty and openness, and when people do that we can’t push them out the door.

Confess your sin = keep your job
Conceal your sin = lose your job

Too harsh? Why risk it? Oh, and you can probably replace the word “job” with “marriage” in there as well, because it will be a lot easier to restore that if you come clean on your own.

The path to freedom begins with you being honest with yourself and with others.

Get open.

–Craig

Source: I’m a Pastor and I look At Porn.

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Filling the Void After His Affair

by thiswillnotdefineus

There is a tragic irony in the story of infidelity, or at least my story. My husband was drawn into his affair because he felt like something he and I once shared was gone. He displaced his insecurities on me, believing I was no longer attracted to him and that our diminished sex life was a symptom of my indifference. He felt like something was missing so he cheated. Paradoxically, his affair left me feeling like I lost something, something important to my definition of “us”. The irony is that he cheated to fill something he felt was lost but in reality, his affair robbed me and left a hole.

It was a year ago my therapist asked me what I would do if I never found those missing puzzle pieces as I was struggling to find a concrete explanation for my husband’s affair. I sat in silence on the couch with my husband to my left and therapist in the chair across from us. I was silent because I didn’t know the answer to her question. At the time I wanted to believe if I asked enough questions that I would figure out why my husband cheated. I wanted evidence that my decision to stay and rebuild my marriage was the right one. I wanted to believe that I could fix what was broken. I wanted definitive clarity.

Six months after that therapy session I made an appointment to go back alone. I was struggling to move forward again. We had passed the one year mark, we were now a stronger and healthier couple but I now felt like something was missing from me. His affair had stolen my sense of security in my marriage. As I sat across from my therapist she suggested I make a list or write about what I was feeling. I wrote this post. My therapist also told me that I might never be able to find that missing piece again; I needed to accept the loss. The missing puzzle piece I had been relentlessly searching for was in fact, missing from me. The question still remained: What if you never find that missing puzzle piece?

The tragic irony in my story transpired because my husband believed I was the spouse with the lack of love and affection, yet while I was faithful he abandoned our marriage and began an affair. I accept my husband’s choices but I still feel like I was stripped of something I once believed was essential in our marriage. As time moves on, the hole inside feels smaller but I sometimes wonder if it’s actually shrinking or if other people in my life are filling the gap. Is it possible this empty hole within me can no longer be filled by my husband? Or does it just take time to fill the void?

And then I remembered my favorite childhood author, Shel Silverstein, wrote  about a missing piece. Sometimes it just takes a deep breath in to realize that my journey is creating me and I need to trust in the journey.

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The #1 Indicator of a Problem

Originally posted by CurePornAddiction

If I felt a pull to go online and view pornography, I would substitute tasteful images of women. I told myself that I would only view pictures of the most beautiful women in the world.  However, I spent more and more time online.  I clicked onto Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.  I thought: It was okay; I wasn’t looking at porn.  I compulsively visited lingerie Web sites.  Before I realized it, once more, I succumbed to pornography.  The #1 indicator of sexual addiction: Compulsivity grows into an obsession.

I felt that I had gone through this cycle a thousand times; perhaps, I did.  I kept asking God for help; yet, I sought answers from other sources; church leaders, motivational speakers, or life in general.

I had to ask myself, “Did I seek Him with my whole heart.”

Pondering the question for a long time, I had to answer no. I had asked the Higher Power of the universe for help; however, I did not wholly surrender my will.

Now, I feel the pain of sex addiction and experience the universal joys of love.

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Pornography: The Third Step; I Died!

by curepornaddiction

What fantasies on porn sites attracted me the most?  How exciting were they to view?  What one site surprised me the most?  Sexual addiction was an emotional depression of my spirit.  I lost touched with my core feelings.

This year, I will turn 62 years old.  However, I died last year.

The Third Step in the twelve step program discusses surrendering to the Higher Power of the universe as we are aware of His power.  In November of 2013, I died (surrendered).

After another bout with online pornography, I attempted suicide.  My wife and granddaughter found me on the bedroom floor.  I ended up in ICU and then the psych ward. While I was in the ward, I told my story to a psychiatrist, nurses, mental health professions, and my wife.  I also talked to God.

I discovered that I had spent my entire life in denial.  I was sexually addicted but was not honest with myself.  I had not been honest with anyone—God, myself, my family, or friends.  Throughout the years, my sexual escapades grew worse and worse. Because there was a time lapse between each incident, I thought I was not so bad.  However, I was disgusting.

I have made huge improvements.  In six months, I have had only one slip. The next six months, I look forward to a porn free life.  The “surrender step” is death, and hope comes from surrendering to the Higher Power.  I cannot do it on my own.

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What’s Adult About “Adult Entertainment”?

Originally posted at: http://mattfradd.com/whats-adult-about-adult-entertainment/

by Matt Fradd

AdultsOnly

Pornography is, no doubt, a form of entertainment. But what are we to make of the protest of porn advocates that pornography is “adult entertainment.” What is it that they mean? I think they mean either a) pornography is not for children. or b) pornography is adult entertainment in that it is appreciated by the sophisticated—like blue cheese, good scotch, and Dostoyevsky. Perhaps they mean both. Either way, let’s address each point:

Pornography is not for children

If this is all that porn advocates mean, then fine; I agree. But if this is meant to be an argument for the legitimacy of the adult use of pornography, it’s hopeless. That would be like arguing that since racism, heroine, bigotry, and mockery of the poor are not for children, that it therefore follows that they are for adults. Certainly it would be less disturbing to see these actions in an adult than a child but that doesn’t mean they’re not disturbing actions for an adult to commit.

Pornography is sophisticated entertainment

Seriously? What exactly is sophisticated about porn? The acting? The script? The man who sneaks away from his wife late at night to get a “fix” from his iPhone?

It says “Adult”

Yes, strip clubs and porn stores have large, often flashing, neon signs that say “adult” or “gentlemen’s club.” But, doesn’t this seem a tad defensive? I can imagine the following conversation taking place between two co-owners of a strip club:

Erk: They’re saying that what we’re doing is immoral.

Bob: Immoral?

Erk: Yeah! That “real men don’t go to strip clubs.”

Bob: The nerve!

Erk: How can get across the fact—that you and I both realize—that paying women money to pretend to like you is totally manly?

Bob: Huge neon sign that says “Manly”?

Erk: Nah, too blatant.

Bob: “Gentlemen’s Club”?

Erk: Bloody brilliant!

Actions speak louder than words; even when those words are five feet high, neon, and constitute the phrase “gentlemen’s club.” It seems to me that the attempt to make sexual deviancy appear gentlemanly was nothing more than the attempt of weak men to justify shameful behavior; and I think deep down we all know this. I think deep down even porn stores realize this! The back entrances and covered windows have more to do with their noble desire to safe-guard the innocence of children.

So, in my humble opinion, it seems that, despite the porn industry’s protestations to the contrary, “adult entertainment” is very efficient means of making those who buy into it increasingly juvenile.