What fantasies on porn sites attracted me the most? How exciting were they to view? What one site surprised me the most? Sexual addiction was an emotional depression of my spirit. I lost touched with my core feelings.
This year, I will turn 62 years old. However, I died last year.
The Third Step in the twelve step program discusses surrendering to the Higher Power of the universe as we are aware of His power. In November of 2013, I died (surrendered).
After another bout with online pornography, I attempted suicide. My wife and granddaughter found me on the bedroom floor. I ended up in ICU and then the psych ward. While I was in the ward, I told my story to a psychiatrist, nurses, mental health professions, and my wife. I also talked to God.
I discovered that I had spent my entire life in denial. I was sexually addicted but was not honest with myself. I had not been honest with anyone—God, myself, my family, or friends. Throughout the years, my sexual escapades grew worse and worse. Because there was a time lapse between each incident, I thought I was not so bad. However, I was disgusting.
I have made huge improvements. In six months, I have had only one slip. The next six months, I look forward to a porn free life. The “surrender step” is death, and hope comes from surrendering to the Higher Power. I cannot do it on my own.