by Brad Andres
God.
Change me.
My insides are a mess – Spiritually I am tarnished.
I want to hide myself; I’m ashamed. However, you see right through me.
So I close my eyes: I see a vision of arms reaching into my body, grasping inside my stomach and chest. They’re thrashing through black gunk; they’re tearing out pieces I can only describe as utterly nasty. I feel a warm, burning sensation inside; my heart is on fire. The pornography, the lust, the weakness is being torched from my body.
Oh God – I am dirty; I am weak. Help me break free from pornography!
Rip it out of my inner being. You can do it in one day, in a matter of minutes. Oh God. Do it. Tear out everything filthy from inside me. Forgive me for sinning.
I do not want to notice attractive women. I do not want to have these haunting flash back memories of previous sexual encounters. I do not want to remember the ladies on the computer screen.
Banish them from me – Please!
I know there are consequences to my sins. I realize that I gave part of my soul away and connected it with each girl that I slept with – or even masturbated to. I realize, that by all rights, I am now intimately connected with each of them in a spiritual way.
But God, have mercy on me, a sinner! I say – Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Undo my stupidity. Undo my sin. Enable me to give myself all the way to my wife – my one and only. I shall commit myself to my wife – I want to desire her and only her. I want to be captivated by her breasts. I want to be longing to see love her – to fill her desire and for only her to satisfy mine.
Forgive me. Restore me to a level of purity that only you can make possible.
Please God, I am asking you to take these thoughts and memories of the past and erase them from my being.
Turn me into more of you, and make me be less of me.
Only you hold the deletion button for my thought life. Press it. Please! And Help Me! Keep me clean.
I love you God. I wait for you. I can’t do this – I always fail. I need you. Change me. My hope is in you. During the quietness of the night, and the business of the day, I will anxiously await your action.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Psalm 51:7-12, ESV
