CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

sexual purity

By

Shame Recovery

“An injury to one’s sense of self forges some bonds.  The self-injury becomes part of the fabric of the relationship and further disrupts the natural unfolding of the self.  When this involves terror of any sort, an emptiness forms at the core of the person and the self becomes inconsolable.  No addiction can fill it.  Not denial of self will restore it.  No single gesture will be believable.  Only a profound sens of the human community caring for the self can seal up this hole.  We call this wound shame.

“This part of your recovery agenda looks at how the relationship forced you to devalue the self, and plans for self-restoration to the human community.  Start by making a list of how the relationship devalued you.  Think of  times you felt unworthy, embarrassed, flawed or ashamed.  Make a list of ten sources of shame in the relationship.” – Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. in Betrayal Bond

Shame recovery is hard.  We get used to hurting ourselves then get into relationships that are harmful.

By

Hotels and the Pornography Plague: An Example of Moral Responsibility from Scandinavia

http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2013/09/10850/
by    and

September 4th, 2013

While many American hotel executives refuse to rid their businesses of pornography, Petter Stordalen, owner of one of Scandinavia’s largest hotel chains, is leading the way forward.

A bit more than a year ago, we made public here on Public Discourse a letter we had sent to the chief executive officers of our nation’s largest hotel chains, respectfully asking them to stop offering pornography in their hotel rooms. We said:

We are, respectively, a Christian and a Muslim, but we appeal to you not on the basis of truths revealed in our scriptures but on the basis of a commitment that should be shared by all people of reason and goodwill: a commitment to human dignity and the common good. As teachers and as parents, we seek a society in which young people are encouraged to respect others and themselves—treating no one as an impersonal object or thing. We hope that you share our desire to build such a society.

Pornography is degrading, dehumanizing, and corrupting. It undermines self-respect and respect for others. It reduces persons—creatures bearing profound, inherent, and equal dignity—to the status of objects. It robs a central aspect of our humanity—our sexuality—of its dignity and beauty. It ensnares some in addiction. It deprives others of their sense of self-worth. It teaches our young people to settle for the cheap satisfactions of lust, rather than to do the hard, yet ultimately liberating and fulfilling, work of love.

One hotel chain, Marriott, informed us that they were “phasing out” offerings of pornography in their hotel rooms. Another, Hilton, defended its participation in the pornography business by appealing, dubiously in our view, to libertarian principles. Others, so far as we can tell, have ignored our plea.

We wish to reiterate that plea here, however, by holding up to the American hotel executives the highly laudable actions of Petter Stordalen, owner of Nordic Hotels, one of Scandinavia’s largest chains. Mr. Stordalen, after becoming involved in international efforts to fight the horrific practice of trafficking women and girls into sexual slavery, announced that pornography would no longer be offered to his customers. In a public statement explaining his decision, he said:

The porn industry contributes to trafficking, so I see it as a natural part of having a social responsibility to send out a clear signal that Nordic Hotels doesn’t support or condone this.

He’s right. The pornography industry is corrupt through and through—inherently so. It should come as no surprise that it is connected to something as exploitative, degrading, and dehumanizing as human trafficking. Bravo to Petter Stordalen for refusing to continue profiting from peddling the industry’s wares.

Of course, even if trafficking were not part of the reality of the industry, good people should be opposed to pornography and unwilling to profit from it. As we said in our letter to hotel executives:

We beg you to consider the young woman who is depicted as a sexual object in these movies, as nothing but a bundle of raw animal appetites whose sex organs are displayed to the voyeurs of the world and whose body is used in loveless and utterly depersonalized sex acts. Surely we should regard that young woman as we would regard a sister, daughter, or mother. She is a precious member of the human family. You may say that she freely chooses to compromise her dignity in this way, and in some cases that would be true, but that gives you no right to avail yourself of her self-degradation for the sake of financial gain. Would you be willing to profit from her self-degradation if she were your sister? Would you be willing to profit from her self-degradation if she were your own beloved daughter?

The reality is, however, just as Mr. Stordalen depicts it. Human trafficking is part of the reality. And it is time for his fellow hotel executives to face up to that fact.

Indeed, it is time for Mr. Stordalen’s American counterparts to follow his commendable example. If Nordic Hotels can demonstrate this kind of moral and social responsibility, then there is no reason that Hilton Hotels and the other large chains cannot. Let them stop trying to deceive the public—and perhaps even themselves—with rhetoric about respecting or even protecting their customers’ liberty. Pornography is a social plague with horrific real-life consequences for real live people—addicts, spouses, children, communities, girls and women trafficked into sexual servitude.

At this late season of our nation’s experience with the social costs of pornography there is no longer any excuse for supposing that porn is merely a form of harmless naughtiness. Even the socially very liberal nation of Iceland is moving to ban or severely restrict it by law. Whatever one thinks of legal prohibitions or restrictions, everyone should recognize that pornography is a moral and social evil that no decent person would want to profit from or have anything to do with.

Robert P. George is McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence at Princeton University and a Visiting Professor at Harvard Law School. Shaykh Hamza Yusuf is President of Zaytuna College.

By

Self-Compassion

Self-critical over-achievers are not the only ones that lack self-compassion. Some of the kindest people do as well. (Associate professor of Human Development and Culture at the University of Texas, Kristin Neff’s) work confirms this observation: There is no correlation between the trait of self-compassion and feelings of compassion towards others. Many people, women in particular, are far more compassionate and kinder towards others than to themselves. Fortunately, self-compassion can be learned. It is a practice that can help us all become less self-critical and, by preventing the stress and turmoil thereof, allow us to be happier, more successful, and of greater service to others. Self-compassion does not mean we stop working hard and aiming for success. Instead, it is a change in attitude and is linked with greater well-being as well as superior performance outcomes. Nor does self-compassion imply self-indulgence. For example, a parent who cares about her child will insist on the child eating vegetables and doing her homework, no matter how unpleasant these experiences are for the child. Similarly, taking it easy on yourself may be appropriate in some situations, but in times of over-indulgence and laziness, self-compassion involves toughening up and taking responsibility. When you are motivated by self-compassion, you understand failure not as a painful indicator of defeat but as a learning opportunity from which growth can follow. Whereas self-criticism leads to painful and self-defeating emotions in the face of failure, Self-Compassion therefore embraces challenge. People with higher self-compassion are therefore more likely to improve their performance after failure! Moreover, by preventing the defeating effects of self-criticism, self-compassion allows us to maintain peace of mind and thereby retain our energy. By remaining calm and understanding in the face of rejection, failure or criticism, we develop level-headedness, strength and emotional stability which allow us to have higher well-being and to be more productive and successful. From “Overcoming Shame: The Powerful Benefits of a Little Self-Love” by Emma Seppala, Ph.D
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/feeling-it/201211/overcoming-shame-the-powerfulbenefits-little-self-love

“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” – Henry David Thoreau

By

I’ve Never Been to Counseling Before – 7 Cautions

http://porntopurity.com/blog/2013/09/10/i%e2%80%99ve-never-been-to-counseling-before/
by Jeff Fisher on September 10, 2013

Recently, I’ve heard several guys and couples mention that they’ve never been to counseling before.

“You know, in our 11 years of marriage, we’ve never been to counseling”

“I was never bad enough to need counseling.”

“God is my counselor, why would I need to pay someone for that?”

Some talk about counseling like it is beneath them, like it is for the “really messed up” people, but never them.

I want to suggest a few things… some hunches for you to ponder.

1.  You Probably Have a Pride Issue. If you think you’re somehow better because you’ve never been to counseling, that’s pride… that’s self-righteousness.  None of us are better than the other person.  All of us have junk but we may be too deceived to see our true condition.

Jesus told a story of a self-righteous person who came to church, sat next to a poor man and prayed, “God, I thank thee that I’m not like that guy!”

2.  You Probably Misunderstand the Purpose of Counseling. Counseling is a lot like a private lesson for the musician.  You take private lessons to get the skills to excel in your instrument.  You need private lessons to learn new techniques or tweak what you’re already working on.  But the most valuable private lessons are to help you get through a difficult part you don’t know how to get through.

Much like a private lesson teacher, a counselor has specialized training in areas that trip us up and we are having trouble navigating.  A counselor has experience in diagnosing things we don’t know we’re doing.

3.  You Probably Have a Stack of Excuses. The more we know we need to make a change, the bigger the list of excuses.

“I can handle it on my own.”

“Counseling is too expensive.”

“I don’t have the time.”

“I’m not that bad.”

“I’ll grow of this.”

“I don’t want anyone telling me what to do.”

“Those counselors are all secular.”

4.  You Probably Have a lot of Fears and Insecurities Often we’re afraid of sharing our junk.  We’re afraid of what someone might say.  We’re afraid of what the counselor might find or tell us to do.  We don’t like to be out of control.  We don’t want anyone telling us we’re bad.  We don’t think anyone would love us if they knew what we were really like.  We might feel that God doesn’t truly love us.

Counseling is too painful.  It’s easier to keep doing what I’m doing.

5.  You Probably Have Lay Counselors in Your Life and Don’t Know it. Counseling is about discipleship.  People who are a little farther along in the journey helping us.  Men and women who understand more about the soul and healthy relationships than we do.

If you took a risk and talked to some of your friends, pastor, your Sunday School teacher, or some older men in your church you’d probably find some good help.  Perhaps you have a good friend that can help.  Perhaps someone at work.  Maybe one of your golfing or fishing buddies is the person you need to reach out to who can disciple you through.

6.  You Probably Are Not Broken Enough. We don’t want to change.  We don’t want to do something differently.  We like what we’re doing too much.  We have trouble seeing our true condition and our horrible sinfulness in God’s site.  If you really knew how your heart, mind, and actions looked to God, you would cower away in shame.  We don’t call out for help because we are not broken enough over our own sinfulness.

7.  You Probably Need to Break the Ice on Counseling. My hunch that you need to break the ice on your first counseling session.  It takes a lot of courage, but I think you’ll find a very safe place where you can get some help.

I wrote a post called “Going to a Counselor For the First Time” where I share my fears and presuppositions about counseling that all turned out to be lies.  It’s a helpful post.

FEEDBACK jeff@porntopurity.com

By

7 Negative Effects of Porn

http://theresurgence.com/2011/11/19/7-negative-effects-of-porn

by BJ Stockman

This is a rather frank post on porn, so proceed, or not, with that in mind.

Porn is a problem. It’s a personal problem for many and a cultural problem for all. You may think you have not been affected by porn, but you have because it’s embedded in the surrounding culture. The staggering size of the pornography industry, its influence upon the media and the acceleration of technology, paired with the accessibility, anonymity, and affordability of porn all contribute to its increasing impact upon the culture.

Pornography affects you whether you’ve ever viewed it or not, and it is helpful to understand some of its negative effects, whether you are a man or woman, struggling with watching it, or simply a mom or dad with a son or daughter. There is a plethora of research on the detrimental effects of pornography (and I do not think that what follows are necessarily the worst of them), but here are seven negative effects of porn upon men and women:

1. Porn Contributes to Social and Psychological Problems Within Men 

Anti-pornography activist, Gail Dines, notes that young men who become addicted to porn, “neglect their schoolwork, spend huge amounts of money they don’t have, become isolated from others, and often suffer depression.” (Pornland, 93). Dr. William Struthers, who has a PhD in biopsychology from the University of Illinois at Chicago, confirms some of these and adds more, finding that men who use porn become controlling, highly introverted, have high anxiety, narcissistic, curious, have low self-esteem, depressed, dissociative, distractible (Wired for Intimacy, 64-65). Ironically, while viewing porn creates momentary intensely pleasurable experiences, it ends up leading to several negative lingering psychological experiences.

2. Porn Rewires the Male Brain 

Struthers elaborates,

        As men fall deeper into the mental habit of fixating on [pornographic images], the exposure to them creates neural pathways. Like a path is created in the woods with each successive hiker, so do the neural paths set the course for the next time an erotic image is viewed. Over time these neural paths become wider as they are repeatedly traveled with each exposure to pornography. They become the automatic pathway through which interactions with woman are routed….They have unknowingly created a neurological circuit that imprisons their ability to see women rightly as created in God’s image (Wired For Intimacy, 85).

In a similar vein regarding porn’s effect upon the brain, Naomi Wolf writes in her article, “The Porn Myth,”

    After all, pornography works in the most basic of ways on the brain: It is Pavlovian. An orgasm is one of the biggest reinforcers imaginable. If you associate orgasm with your wife, a kiss, a scent, a body, that is what, over time, will turn you on; if you open your focus to an endless stream of ever-more-transgressive images of cybersex slaves, that is what it will take to turn you on. The ubiquity of sexual images does not free eros but dilutes it.

3. Porn Turns Sex Into Masturbation 

Sex becomes self-serving. It becomes about your pleasure and not the self-giving, mutually reciprocating intimacy that it was designed for.

4. Porn Demeans and Objectifies Women 

This occurs from hard-core to soft-core pornography. Pamela Paul, in her book Pornified, quoting the research of one psychologist who has researched pornography at Texas A&M, writes,

    ‘Softcore pornography has a very negative effect on men as well. The problem with softcore pornography is that it’s voyeurism teaches men to view women as objects rather than to be in relationships with women as human beings.’ According to Brooks, pornography gives men the false impression that sex and pleasure are entirely divorced from relatoinships. In other words, pornography is inherently self-centered–something a man does by himself, for himself–by using another women as the means to pleasure, as yet another product to consume (80).

Paul references one experiment that revealed a rather shocking further effect of porn: “men and women who were exposed to large amounts of pornography were significantly less likely to want daughters than those who had none. Who would want their own little girl to be treated that way?” (80).

It becomes about your pleasure and not the self-giving, mutually reciprocating intimacy that it was designed for.

Again, it needs to be emphasized, that this is not an effect that only rests upon those who have viewed porn. The massive consumption of porn and the the size of the porn industry has hypersexualized the entire culture. Men and women are born into a pornified culture, and women are the biggest losers. Dines continues,

    By inundating girls and women with the message that their most worthy attribute is their sexual hotness and crowding out other messages, pop culture is grooming them just like an individual perpetrator would. It is slowly chipping away at their self-esteem, stripping them of a sense of themselves as whole human beings, and providing them with an identity that emphasizes sex and de-emphasizes every other human attribute (Pornland, 118).

5. Porn Squashes the Beauty of a Real Naked Woman 

Wolf, in her own blunt way, confirms this,

    For most of human history, the erotic images have been reflections of, or celebrations of, or substitutes for, real naked women. For the first time in history, the images’ power and allure have supplanted that of real naked women. Today, real naked women are just bad porn (Quoted in Wired for Intimacy, 38).

6. Porn Has a Numbing Effect Upon Reality

It makes real sex and even the real world boring in comparison. It particularly anesthetizes the emotional life of a man. Paul comments,

    Pornography leaves men desensitivzed to both outrage and to excitement, leading to an overall diminishment of feeling and eventually to dissatisfaction with the emotional tugs of everyday life…Eventually they are left with a confusing mix of supersized expectations about sex and numbed emotions about women…When a man gets bored with pornography, both his fantasy and real worlds become imbued with indifference. The real world often gets really boring…” (Pornified, 90, 91).

7. Porn Lies About What it Means to be Male and Female 

Dines records how porn tells a false story about men and women. In the story of porn, women are “one-dimensional”–they never say no, never get pregnant, and can’t wait to have sex with any man and please them in whatever way imaginable (or even unimaginable). On the other hand, the story porn tells about men is that they are “soulless, unfeeling, amoral life-support systems for erect penises who are entitled to use women in any way they want. These men demonstrated zero empathy, respect, or love for the women they have sex with…(Pornland, xxiv).”