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Seven Warning Signs of Affairs for Pastors and Other Church Staff

http://thomrainer.com/2014/01/29/seven-warning-signs-of-affairs-for-pastors-and-other-church-staff/
by Thom Rainer

The conversation is always sad, always tragic. The pastor who left his church after a two-year affair with another church member. The student pastor who has been out of vocational ministry since he had a brief sexual encounter with his assistant.

I have spoken with countless numbers of these men and women. And each time I am reminded of how much I need to love God with all my heart, and to be totally devoted to my wife.

Though the conversations are both sad and tragic, I do learn from them. And after dozens, perhaps a few hundred, of these conversations, I see patterns. These patterns become warning signs for any of us, lest we be so naïve to think we have no vulnerabilities.

Because the conversations were informal, I cannot say for certain which among them were the most frequent warning signs. So I provide them in no particular order.

  1. “I neglected my family.” Church work can become a deceitful mistress (I struggle to find the male equivalent of the word). We become so consumed with our ministry that we neglect our families. But 1 Timothy 3:5 is clear that our families are our first ministries.
  2.  “I had no system of accountability.” Unfortunately, most churches do not have clear guidelines for accountability. That does not excuse any of us from making sure that we have such self-imposed guidelines, and that our spouses know about them as well.
  3. “It began in counseling.” Sometimes the word “transference” is used to describe what can happen in counseling. The counselor or counselee becomes the object of attraction instead of one’s spouse. One or both of the parties see the other as something his or her spouse should be.
  4. “My co-worker and I began to confide in one another on a deep level.”  The conversations between two people who work together become ones that should be restricted to the marital relationship. At this point, an emotional affair has already begun. Physical intimacy is usually not far away.
  5. “I began neglecting my time in prayer and daily Bible reading.” I am reticent to make a blanket statement, but I have never met a person who was praying and reading his or her Bible daily that became involved in an affair. Prayer and time in the Word are intimacy with God that precludes inappropriate intimacy with someone of the opposite gender.
  6. “He or she made me feel so good about myself.” In marriage, neither party thinks the spouse is perfect; at least it is rare. The danger happens when one becomes a hero to someone of the opposite gender. The good feelings that come with accolades or even adulation can become sexual attractions and traps that end in an affair.
  7. “It began on a trip together.” When a man and woman travel to the same destination for a work event, conference, or a convention, safeguards need to be established at the onset. A system of accountability, whether informal or formal, can break down when a man and woman are out of town together. Call me old fashioned, but I won’t ever travel in the car alone with a woman other than my wife (even at my old age). 

The conversation is always sad, always tragic. And do you know what the most common theme I’ve heard in all of these conversations?

“I never thought this would happen to me.”

Sobering indeed.

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Disturbing Sex Complaint Against W. Va. Sheriff

By YAWANA WOLFE

ELKINS, W. Va. (CN) – A West Virginia sheriff raped a teenager and sodomized her with a cucumber, threatened to kill her if she told, and subjected at least five other women to forced sex, at least once in a courthouse, a woman claims in Federal Court.

Brittany Mae Keene sued Barbour County Sheriff John Wesley Hawkins and the Barbour County Commission.

She claims the county essentially let Hawkins conduct a reign of sexual terror against women in his custody.

The lurid, 17-page complaint states: “The County Defendant had both actual and constructive notice of Hawkins’ individual tendencies toward the use of excessive force and violence including prior occasions, to-wit:

Triggering descriptions of activities by the sheriff and 5 other victims have been removed.

Keene seeks exemplary damages on 15 counts: unlawful arrest, excessive force, conspiracy, the tort of outrage/intentional infliction of emotional distress, battery, two counts of negligence, false imprisonment, assault, deliberate indifference, malicious prosecution, abuse of process, sexual assault, providing alcohol to a minor, and dissemination of a nude photo of a minor.

She is represented by Paul Harris and Shawn Fluharty, of Wheeling.

Hawkins was elected in May to his second term as sheriff.

Despite his holding that office, The Charleston Gazette reported on its website today that “a working number for Hawkins could not be found Monday night.”

The Gazette reported that Hawkins responded to the lawsuit by posting this message on his Facebook profile Monday night:

“‘Round #2. Thought all this was over with the election, but today I was sued in Federal Court. …,’ Hawkins said in the post. “I don’t mind being tried in court, as I will deny all the allegations. It’s a civil suit for money. I just hate my family having to go through all the mudslinging in the media again. To my friends, sorry. I’d ask for prayers for my family but was bashed the last time for asking for prayers for them. So, true friends know where we live and how to get in touch [with] us.'”

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Porn Addiction Study Finds Astounding Results

http://pornproofkids.com/2013/11/14/keep-it-real-thursday-porn-addiction-study-finds-astounding-results/

by: pornproofkids.com

brain-scans1“An alarming number of boys, and now girls, could be a click away from addiction. A new study finds porn can affect your brain as much as drugs and alcohol and a new generation of kids has easier access to it than ever.”

Recently ABC Nightline aired a segment called The Teenage Brain on Porn highlighting the brain-changing (and brain-damaging) effects of consuming pornography. (ABC got some things right, but look for my scathing ninja rebuttal at the end of this post.)

VoonThe study was done by Valerie Voon, a lead researcher at Cambridge University. Twenty young men between the ages of 19 and 34, whose lives were controlled by porn, agreed to have their brains scanned while they viewed explicit pornographic images. A control group of men who did not use porn compulsively were shown the same images. The scans were done to see how their reward centers reacted. When the data was analyzed, the results were “astounding.” The reward centers of the compulsive users were twice as active as those in the control group; similar to the responses of drug and alcohol users.

Porn Preferred Over Real Sex

The Nightline piece interviewed several young people who couldn’t seem to stop their porn addiction. One young man in England admitted that he preferred masturbating to porn over real sex with a woman.

Norman Doidge, M.D., author of The Brain that Changes Itself, found the same thing happening in his clients. As their porn addiction altered their brains, they became less interested in real sex with real partners, even when they were readily available.

“The content of what they found exciting changed as the Web sites introduced themes and scripts that altered their brains without their awareness. Because plasticity is competitive, the brain maps for new, exciting images increased as the expense of what had previously attracted them—the reason, I believe, they began to find their girlfriends less of a turn-on.” (Doidge, The Brain the Changes Itself, p 109.)

My Scathing Ninja Rebuttal

This leads us to “the answer” that Nightline came up with for addictions to hard core porn and the damage it does to the impressionable teenage concept of sex. Are you ready for it?

More porn!

Oh, but this is a kinder and gentler porn, showing people actually making love.

Seriously?

Let me de-bunk this right now. When people begin down the slippery slope of porn, especially kids with very vulnerable brains that are still wiring at a very fast pace, it won’t take long for this “Make Love Not Porn” to become boring. That’s just the nature of addiction. Shame on ABC for promoting more porn as the answer to porn addiction!

Again, Doidge sheds some light: “When pornographers boast that they are pushing the envelope by introducing new, harder themes, what they don’t say is that they must, because their customers are building up a tolerance to the content.” (Doidge, p. 105.)

A number of Doidge’s clients who were hooked on porn “reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.”

Let me end with some more clarity: Not only is porn a sick kind of fantasy; it erodes reality. It impacts the pleasure centers of the brain and alters them. Porn is the opposite of love. It isolates people and harms and destroys relationships.

Let us be clear with our kids: If they want a healthy, loving relationship as adults, they must avoid the lies and addictive nature of porn as kids.

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Human Trafficking in America’s Backyard

January 24, 2014 · by Elisabeth Epstein

Human trafficking occurs in every corner of the globe from the southernmost foothills of Patagonia to the northernmost region of Siberia. Human trafficking is an egregious violation of human rights – one that often strips its victims of self-worth only to refill them with fear, isolation and desperation.

In the United States, a country most may not immediately associate with human trafficking, the U.S. Department of Justice ranks human trafficking as the second fastest growing criminal industry, behind only drug trafficking, with between 14,500 and 17,500 new people trafficked into America each year.

Every hour, 34 people in America are forced into prostitution. 

In 2013, human trafficking made national headlines when Ariel Castro was arrested (and eventually convicted) for kidnapping, raping, and forcibly locking three girls in his basement for a period spanning over ten years. One victim, Amanda Berry, even bore his child, thereby increasing the victim count to four.

As a result of the Castro case and several others like it, the movement to punish traffickers and to end human trafficking in the United States has been gaining speed.

Expanding on previous attempts to end human trafficking, on January 14th the United States government published its first ever Federal Strategic Action Plan on Services for Victims of Human Trafficking in the United States. The Action Plan aims to crack down on traffickers, develop a strategic action plan to strengthen victim services, and strengthen protections against human traffickers in federal contracts. Additionally, U.S. President Barack Obama proclaimed January as National Slavery and Human Trafficking Prevention Month. However, the federal government is not the only government entity taking a strong stance against human trafficking.

In August, Polaris Project, an organization dedicated to ending human trafficking in the United States, released its 2013 state ratings on human trafficking laws. In 2013 alone, 39 states passed anti-trafficking laws and 32 ranked in Polaris Project’s top Tier 1 category* – up from 21 states last year.

Over the past year, the momentum among advocates, legislators, and state officials to pass robust laws combatting human trafficking has been inspiring. We’ve witnessed a historic turning point now that all fifty states have passed laws criminalizing human trafficking. However, criminals are trafficking women, men, and children from coast to coast at horrendous rates. In every state, we need to give prosecutors and law enforcement the right tools to stop traffickers, and state agencies must have the ability to protect survivors and help them reclaim their freedom.” – Bradley Myles, CEO of Polaris Project.

Additionally, Polaris Project recently published the report, Human Trafficking Trends in the United States. In it, the organization reveals not only a rising number of human trafficking cases but also an increasing level of community awareness. For example, in the five-year period between 2008 and 2012, the National Trafficking Resource Center (NTRC) hotline received a 259%** increase in reports of human trafficking, a statistic undoubtedly due to the combined increase in cases as well as awareness.

Along with governing bodies and anti-trafficking organizations, the growing amount of national media attention also plays an important role in spreading awareness. For example, in August CNN profiled several victims to learn about their experiences in the sex trade; in December The Kansas City Star wrote a five-part series on human trafficking in America; and just a few days ago USA Today warned of high levels of sex trafficking during the Superbowl.

The Superbowl is the single largest human trafficking incident in the United States.” –  Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott

Even though human trafficking statistics in the United States remain at inexcusable levels, the good news is that awareness is on the rise – and awareness is always the first step.

If you are a victim or suspect a case of human trafficking, please call the NTRC at 1-888-373-7888 or text HELP or INFO to BeFree (233733) for support.

For more information, please visit:

Girls’ Globe Posts on Human Trafficking

GEMS Girls

Not for Sale

UNICEF

The US Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Human Trafficking Program

US Department of Homeland Security’s Blue Campaign

*States in the top Tier 1 have passed “significant [anti-trafficking] laws” while states in the lowest tier, Tier 4, have made “minimal effort.”

**The NTRC hotline received 5,746 calls in 2008 and 20,650 in 2012.

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God-Centered Joy

“When we choose well, the paths of surrender, relationship, acceptance and trust lead us to Him and His power.

“Now we are standing in front of another fork.  This time, we’re seeking a path that will deliver us to something we’re all looking for: joy,  What’s interesting, however, it that the trail to joy is unmarked, full of rocks and overgrown  weeds, and rarely traveled.  As a result, whenever we arrive at this fork, we almost always choose the wrong path–and end up wondering why we’re lost.

“To put this is plain terms, we often think possessions and things will make us happy.  Food, Sex. Money.  A new dress, couch, car, home, job or spouse.  We think that if we rearrange the circumstances, everything will get better.  Eventually, some of us figure it out, at least some of the time, that isn’t how it works.  The external possessions and things are enticing and may offer temporary pleasure, but ultimately, they don’t make a difference.  They are the wrong path.

“Joy springs from an internal choice–a decision of the heart about the heart.  It has nothing to do with circumstances and everything to do with God and where we are going with Him.  It also–and this is the part that trips us up–has little to do with what we, in all our “wisdom,” want and believe we need.  The path that leads to joy is based entirely on what God desires for us.  Once we begin to walk in the direction He’s pointing out to us, we discover true delight.

“Said another way, joy results when we focus more on God and less…on ourselves.” – Jim Daly in Stronger

We all want joy in our lives.  We can try to fill that space in our lives with things, and entertainment, but those things are fleeting.  Inner joy comes from being who we are made to be, aligned with God.  Then even when things aren’t perfect we can be content and joyful.