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#PornDestroys Marriage

by Frank Honess

IMG_1007One of the greatest ways pornography damaged my life was through my marriage. My wife was devastated to say the least at my hidden addiction and how I seemed to be so okay with it. Through continual relapses, lies, and secrets, I was losing my marriage. It wasn’t until my wife slid her engagement ring across the table to me and with eyes filled with tears told me that she was done. She would not marry a man who continued to hide and tell lies. It was only then that my eyes were opened.

How can you avoid this moment in your marriage? The greatest tip that I can give is to BE HONEST with your spouse. Men, if you’re engaged to your wife, you need to give full disclosure as to what you’re dealing with. I know looking back that my wife was willing to work with me through overcoming pornography. But it was the lying that really hurt her the most and I think that’s a common thread amongst females. Don’t lie to your wife. Your marriage is too valuable to lose to made up images and sexual scenarios.

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What Drives a Sex Addict?

No matter the quality or quantity of sex, some people remain hungry for more and more sex. It’s as though they are sexually insatiable. Most often, their insatiable sexual hunger is related to deep-rooted psychological factors. Toxic early childhood relationships can influence their sexual hunger in adulthood. Although sex addicts can be male or female, for discussion purposes, I will use the female pronouns here. Insatiable sexual hunger is not really a desire ─an act of will─ but rather a desperate need, a compulsion that is experienced as a craving. The need is pursued like a drug. Although sex addicts are enslaved to sex, it is far from their goal. Rather, the pursuit of sex is in service of a different goal─ to dispel feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, rage or other feelings that the sex addict experiences as unbearable. Like a drug addict or alcoholic, the sex addict relentlessly seeks satisfaction from an external source to palliate an internal pain. Here’s a little of what goes on in the brain of sex addicts. The brain’s dopamine receptors ─ the pleasure-reward system─ is activated during sex, drugs, alcohol, or gambling. In the case of sex addicts who quickly slide down into despair after the sex act, their dopamine receptors are left hungry for more sex. These primed dopamine receptor, thus, crave more sex. A craving is, thus, set up biologically and psychologically. Fixes provide a state of ecstasy, calm, nirvana. Alas the shot of nirvana during the sex act lasts only as long as the magic of sex wears off. Result? The sex addict is rendered emptier, distressed, and fragmented. To quell these painful feelings, she is compelled to resume her pursuit for her next fix. As you can see, the sex act is not borne out of love, but performs the function of a drug to satisfy the primed dopamine receptors. Of no consequence other than to provide the sex addict with a fix, the sex object is indispensable. Rather than desiring a sexual partner, the sex addict craves the sexual object─ her fix. She is constantly seeking to repair early deprivations and to palliate depression, anxiety, self-esteem blows. How do sex addicts recover? Twelve step programs work for some people. For others, I recommend deep analytic therapy that focuses on visiting the past, but living in the moment, learning coping skills, finding internal satisfaction, pursuing healthy passions that fulfill the emptiness. From an article by Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-doc/200910/what-drives-sex-addict

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Thomas – Disbelieving Believer

by applyingmybeliefs

 John 20:27-29 – Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.”  Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!”  Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”  ESV

Thomas was the disciple who said he wouldn’t believe Jesus was alive after the resurrection unless he personally put his finger on Jesus wounds.  He was also the one that Jesus was talking to when He said, “I am the way, the truth and the life.”  (Jn 14:6)  Little else is known about Thomas from the scriptural records.  Some apocryphal literature has him dying at the hands of the king of India, where he is thought to have served his mission time.

Thomas represents all of us.  In our story we see that he obstinately said I won’t believe until I get concrete evidence, so that I can see with my own eyes and feel with my own hands.  Jesus graciously chastises him about his unbelief.  And then Jesus says words for us down the ages, “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed.”  Almost all of us will not see Jesus until we get to heaven.  We are asked by scripture and the Holy Spirit to believe even though we have not seen, and if we choose to do this we will be blessed in some way.

This is so important for us in recovery to understand.  God wants us to accept, believe that He is going to help us in our recovery, even though we cannot see, hear or touch Him directly.  It is a deep scriptural principle that unbelief is a barrier to healing, or in our case recovery.  God asks us not to just believe in Him, but to believe Him.  When we only believe in Him, we often reject His instructions and go our own way.  When we believe Him, we accept His instructions, and even if we have reservations or resistance inside us, we still obey.  That is the path to healing and recovery that God prescribes for us.

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What I Don’t Know

This post was shared as a topic for our Barrayo Men’s Group.  Barrayo is a support group for men who were sexually abused as children.  It meets on Tuesday nights at 7pm.  This is a very powerful group dealing with a very powerful issue.  Healing from childhood sexual abuse is paramount to our overall healing, including that of sexual impurity/addiction.  Please contact Barrayo@Merimnao.org for more information on this group.

By Cecil Murphey 

I don’t know the answers to every problem—even though I may sound as if I do. I don’t understand why some of us gain victory almost immediately and for others it takes years. I don’t know why some male survivors fall back in their old patterns and some never do.

I wish I could give perfect answers to every dilemma and shine a bright light on every dark path. I don’t always have enough light for my own path. Even when I know the answer for myself, I sometimes fail to live up to my convictions.

I do know this, however. It’s shameful to admit when we’ve failed, especially after we’ve determined not to repeat our wrong behavior. And that can refer to anything that impedes our progress.
Almost as bad is to fail and deny it. We’re ashamed and try to hide the fact. Or we make excuses for ourselves by blaming circumstances or saying, “Yes, but if he hadn’t . . . ” Such negative responses mean we by-pass a chance for healing.

Admitting each tiny step in the wrong direction can be one positive, small-but-powerful step toward full recovery.