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Recovery Articles

February 21, 2016 By Castimonia

Keep Your Distance

To resist the temptations of a sexual involvement with someone other than your beloved, beware of letting yourself enjoy the early titillation phase of getting to know someone new. A minor sexual flirtation outside of your marriage or other monogamous relationship can feel good. The problem is that sexuality is a slippery slope phenomenon. Initially the activity seems neither too slippery nor sloped… until one more step, and the swoosh… you’re hooked. The remedy? Plan ahead with your spouse your will do’s and won’t do’s by agreeing on prevention policies. Take early exits from potentially sexual situations. Sexual arousal is addictive. Extrication from temptation becomes increasingly difficulty the longer you stay in a sexually energized interaction. Plan ahead how you will keep your distance from situations in which the magnetism could prove to be stronger even than your potent desire to protect your marriage. That plan, plus an agreement that you and your loved ones will talk openly about any temptations that do arise so you can confront them as a unified team, is your vaccination. Susan Heitler, Ph.D. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201110/resisting-the-3-main-temptations-destroy-marriages

“The most formidable attribute of temptation is its increasing power, its accelerating ratio of velocity. Every act of repetition increases power, diminishes resistance. It is like the letting out of waters where a drop can go, a river can go. Whoever yields to temptation, subjects himself to the law of falling bodies.” – Horace Mann

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity

February 18, 2016 By Castimonia

Addictions Treatment: Myth vs. Reality

by applyingmybeliefs

Addictions have been with us ever since men discovered that grapes made a really good mind numbing and tasty liquid, and that certain mushrooms seemed to cause everything to appear a little more vivid.  While our collective intelligence as mankind has not changed over the time we’ve been on earth, our ways of getting hooked on something has.  After getting hooked on things, some of us decide to try to get unhooked, and over the millennia, particularly the last 100 or so years, some myths about getting unhooked have developed.  This is true for both the addict and addict-treating communities.  In this chapter we are going to put down the tasty liquids and delicious mushrooms as we compare the myths and realities of treatment of substance abuse addictions.

Let’s start with the four most important older myths, most of which still linger within the addict community.

  • No holds barred, in the face treatments, are best.
  • Only ex-addicts ought to counsel addicts through their recovery.
  • Interventions are necessary to overwhelm the addict’s denial system.
  • Intense, confession based, programs such as AA are a necessary part of treatment.

In the early part of the 21st century we have seen the results of many research programs in the area of substance abuse which tend to show that the four myths don’t hold up in the face of clinical data.

Over the last few years a great deal of effort has been put into investigating newer, quicker and more proficient ways of dealing with substance abuse in individuals.  This has been primarily driven by the increasing problem of substance abuse in our culture, the secrecy of traditional programs, such as AA or NA, where outcomes are not clinically evaluated, and the desire to cut treatment costs.  Some remarkable myth-busting realities have been discovered.

There have been two major research reviews performed in this area within the last 12 years that bring into the light newer, reality based, truths about treating alcoholics and drug abusers.  The first review was done by Rudolph Moos of the Department of Veteran Affairs in conjunction with Stanford University in 2003.  The second was carried out by Nathan, McCrady, Haaga and Lebow in 2006.  Lebow is our book author.  Here are the nine major findings of these reviews:

  1. The core processes of change for overcoming substance abuse disorders are the same whether the addicts participate in psychotherapy, self-help programs or recover without treatment.

For each form of recovery, the process is essentially this; the building of hope for change, gaining understanding of the harmful nature of their addiction and learning how to control addiction behaviors to achieve a better life.

On a personal note, it could be that first point, hope, that is the essential difference between faith based recovery programs and secular programs.

  1. Not only are the processes of change the same across groups, so are the stages of change.

Prochaska’s stages of change are; Precontemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Action and Maintenance.  The reviews found that the addicts who got through recovery and changed all went through the same stages.  In Precontemplation they typically didn’t recognize their problem, deep denial is present.  In Contemplation, the addicts recognize the problem but aren’t emotionally ready to change.  In Preparation, addicts start to get ready to work on the problem.  In Action, addicts enter what we call recovery, and start to act to stop the drinking or drugging.  In Maintenance, the last stage, the addicts work hard to stay off the substance they were addicted to.

Often we see addicts bouncing backwards and forwards between stages, particularly Preparation and Action.  This prevarication can be thought of as keeping a foot in both camps, the addiction and sobriety.

It was also found that motivation was an important factor in moving through the stages.  Whether it was external, such as threats from family or court ordered therapy, or internal such as fear of losses, motivation often provided the extra something needed to push the addict along.

  1. Intense treatment of short duration is less successful than treatment that extends over time with little interruption.

In a study by the VA of 20,000 patients it was discovered that longer term and consistent treatments were more effective than short term programs.  The most important conclusion of this study was that a program such as AA, which keeps the addict involved for years, was the most successful in maintaining sobriety.

  1. Therapy relationship factors are crucial in treating substance abuse.

Research strongly suggests that the therapeutic relationship between client and therapist, or their group, is highly indicative of success.  Therapeutic alliances provide the best results.  Poor alliances usually lead to failure or partial success.

  1. Contrary to stereotypes, high levels of confrontation seldom result in better treatment outcomes.

Surprise surprise!  Programs that are confrontational in nature result in argumentative responses in patients, whereas interventions that provide listening and restructuring comments resulted in positive responses.  There is no evidence, none, that intense confrontation has a positive effect on outcomes.

It was also discovered that rapport with therapists resulted in much more long term commitment to getting healthy than when rapport was not present.

High levels of social support were far more effective at getting a person to enter treatment than confrontation.  Supportive partners helped the non-drinking and drugging, increased positive communication, improved engagement with outside interests and encouraged professional treatment.

  1. Social support is critical to overcoming addiction and maintaining change.

The bottom line here is that addicts with high levels of social support were far more likely to achieve change.  While therapy can help, it is only a minor influence compared to certain other factors, such as informal help and reliable social resources.  These translate to participation in self help groups, for example AA, and new support networks, meaning new friends, because old friends often indulged in the same behaviors that were the problem.

  1. Engage and work with family members as a first step in the change process when clients are unmotivated or resist entering treatment.

Research shows that if a potential client is resistant to entering a program working with the immediate family is often the most effective way of changing that.  The spouse is the single most important person in this regard.

  1. Therapists with a personal history of overcoming substance abuse are no more effective than those without such a history.

While this is true, it was discovered that therapists who specialized in substance abuse were more effective than therapists that didn’t.

  1. No one substance abuse treatment was more effective than others.

Of all the major treatment approaches; motivational enhancement, cognitive behavioral and 12 steps programs, none stick out as best.  However, effective treatments are all directive and active, provide understanding of the harm of substance abuse, build life’s coping skills and enrich or strengthen significant relationships.

In Conclusion

I’m going to put this into some plain words.  For substance abuse:

  • Short and sweet doesn’t cut it.
  • No method is above the rest.
  • Confrontations make matters worse.
  • Good relationships improve outcomes.

Spiritually Speaking – This whole blog speaks the truth of this scripture for addicts, we sometimes can’t move forward because we return to our own vomit or to wallow again in the mire:

2 Peter 2:22 – What the true proverb says has happened to them: “The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire.”  ESV

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, spouses, trauma

February 15, 2016 By Castimonia

Changing Your Thought Process

Changing Your Thought Processes

From I am ugly to I am beautiful

From I am worthless to I have worth

From I am sick to I will heal

From I hate myself to I will learn to love myself

From I am weak to I am strong, or I wouldn’t be here today

From I am moody to I have profound emotional depth

From I am lost to I will find myself

From I am scared to I have courage

From I am crazy to It is normal to struggle

From I am in pain to It’s okay to hurt

From I am tired to I will not give up

From I’m not good enough to I am better than “good enough”

From I can’t change to I can change

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, spouses, trauma

February 12, 2016 By Castimonia

Nineteen Months and Counting

by thiswillnotdefineus

Maybe the journey isn’t about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.

Oprah Quote ForgivenessI’ve been trying to compose this post for three days. I type and then delete all the letters with one long press of the backspace button.

I wish I could say that moving forward is always easy and always driven by the right motivations. In the immediate aftermath of D-Day I trusted no one but myself. Self-reliance became my mantra. I began to believe I would give more love to the world than I would ever receive back in return. I felt like a mouse trapped in a maze with endless tunnels and walls and no real escape. There were some days I just sat down at a dead end and stared endlessly at the walls. Other days when I could keep running through the maze regardless of how many walls I hit. I wasn’t going to stop. There were many moments were I felt there was no escape from my new reality. I was stuck in a maze I never wanted to be in and this was my life. Year one was the maze.

Recently I heard a Boston Marathon survivor say that the days, weeks and months following the bombing felt surreal. On the one year anniversary is when they absorbed the reality of what happened. It must be the same for all traumatic events. The first year after D-Day I was not only in that mouse maze but I was in a haze. I wanted to wake up and find out my husband’s affair was just a horrible nightmare. I am not going to lie, if I woke up tomorrow and found out none of this ever happened I would be ecstatic. A year after D-Day is when you realize the nightmare is real life.

So what changes in year two?

I’m a little more than halfway into year two of healing from the affair and I mentioned before that I feel a shift within me. There are elements of the affair that I just don’t care about anymore. I can no longer spend my energy hating Bat Shit. I do hate her (and I always will) but I spend very little time thinking about her. Every time I try to feel sorry for her I don’t. She’s guilty for targeting my husband and feeding him lies to manipulate him. I don’t need to spend my days wishing bad will upon her because I know she invites it in all by herself. When I think about her now I am apathetic.

It took me nineteen months to figure out that my husband didn’t cheat to hurt me or because I was a failing as his wife. He had an affair because it became an option that he didn’t have an answer for at the time. Throughout our marriage we never prepared for infidelity. We never thought it would affect us and that affairs only happen in bad marriages. It bothered me for a long time that he never considered how his affair would affect me. I felt like an afterthought and I probably was an afterthought. Being involved with Bat Shit gave him a high that he didn’t want to admit he needed. I understand what my husband needs now to feel valued, appreciated, adored and desired. I am starting to wonder if just about anyone could become the wayward spouse in the right circumstances. We all have insecurities and desire attention. It feels good to think we are special. It feels good when someone is thinking about you late at night or first thing in the morning. There’s a part of me that understands the appeal my husband felt. He felt important because she needed him and she wrote to him constantly. There’s a part of me that understands. It doesn’t necessarily excuse what happened but it wasn’t about me, it was about him.

I spent so much time grieving for my pre-affair marriage. All the books and therapists told me that my pre-affair marriage was over, accept it and then start new. I went through the grieving process. I blogged about it and I really felt like my marriage had died. After all the pain, tears and struggles I am starting to doubt this theory. My marriage did not end or go on hiatus because of my husband’s affair. Our marriage was not the best it had ever been but it wasn’t terrible either. Obviously, there were cracks in the walls we had built to protect our marriage, but we weren’t in complete ruins. I often look at our lives and wonder how different we were from any other marriage after three children and over ten years.  If you really look at my marriage, it didn’t die or end, it endured.

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, spouses, trauma

February 9, 2016 By Castimonia

The Parables of Pornography

by Arden Compton

A parable is when you liken one thing to another, giving a greater depth of understanding. Jesus Christ often taught in parables. As I have coached people over the years, a number of parables have come to mind that I hope will throw greater light on the problem of pornography.

Parable 1: Pornography is like the Niagara River above the Niagara Falls. As the river approaches the falls, it is powerful and strong. If a you attempt to go canoeing above the falls, you will almost certainly go over the falls; the river is just too strong to navigate safely at that point. Disaster is almost certain. However, when you are standing on solid ground just a few feet away from the edge of the river, it doesn’t matter how strong the river is, it can’t pull you over the falls. The river will always be there, strong and powerful, but why would you play in it? As soon as you begin putting your feet in the water, you are in dangerous territory. There is no need to get in those waters. The further away from the river a you are, the safer it is.

Parable 2: Pornography is like a mirage in the desert. It looks appealing, you think you are going to get what you want, but in the end you get nothing. If a person is dieing of thirst in the desert, they longer they stay in the mirage the more they miss the opportunity to find real water. Water may be just over the next sand dune, but the illusion of the mirage keeps them from partaking of the real joys in life; the joys that come from healthy relationships, meaningful activities, service to others, living a purposeful life.

Parable 3: Pornography is like buying a bag of potato chips that you think is full, but upon opening the bag you find it only has a few crumbs in the bottom of the bag. It looked like there would be some chips, when you open the bag it smells like chips, and the crumbs do taste like chips, so somehow you think you got something. But since you are still hungry you buy another bag of chips, and it also turns out to be empty! But it sure smells good, and it really seems like you are getting something. But somehow you are still hungry so you buy another empty bag of chips. Somehow you don’t realize that in this store they only sell empty bags of chips, and you are always hungry looking for something to fill that need, and you keep thinking the next bag of chips is going to be the real thing. But it never is, never has been, never will be. Not in the porn store.  All they sell there are lies, broken promises, disappointment, shame. You come in hungry, you leave worse than that.

Parable 4: Pornography is like a tiger trap. In the old movie “Swiss Family Robinson” the Robinson family finds themselves stranded on an island. There is a tiger living on the island, which makes the island unsafe. So, they devise a tiger trap. They dig a deep pit and cover it with palm branches, and from a rope they hang a large piece of meat. When the tiger comes along, he sees the meat, he smells the meat, and he attempts to get the meat. But just when he thinks he has it, he fall into a pit so deep he cannot get out.
Pornography is just like that. It seems appealing, and just when you think you are going to get what you were hoping for, you find yourself stuck in a pit! You are trapped and it is so hard to get out. When you finally do get out, it isn’t too long before you are lured in by another image, and you find yourself stuck in another pit. We live in a world where the tiger trap lures are all around us. They are so enticing! They promise to be so good! So fulfilling, so exciting, so rewarding; something you can’t possibly turn down. But how many times are you going to fall in one of those pits before you realize you are never going to get that piece of meat hanging there, and you are always going to end up in the pit? You don’t need try one more time. You may think, “This time I will be careful, maybe I can avoid the pit and get it this time” Don’t even try it, haven’t you already landed in the pit countless time? Now you know that when you see an opportunity for porn, it is the bait. They use those women like a piece of hanging meat luring you in. Now you know to turn and run the other direction. No matter how appealing they make it, don’t believe their false promises, run the other way!

Parable 5: Trying to break free from pornography addiction is like wrestling a grizzly bear. As long as you wrestle with him, he beats you every time. You can dodge him for a while, but it is just a matter of time before he has you pinned and is taking a bite out of you. But you don’t have to wrestle the grizzle bear. You and the bear are in a barred cage, and there are a few places where the bars are wide enough for you to get through, but not the bear. God is outside the cage, extending his hand to help you. With his help you can get out of that cage, God can heal you,  and you can walk free! You don’t have to keep wrestling with this!

Hopefully these parables will help you see the truth about pornography. If you have any other parables or insights feel free to share.  If you are stuck in one those cages, or pits, or mirages, or rivers, or potato chip stores, there is hope! With the right tools and God’s help, you can be free. I see it happen all the time. God bless you!

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, christian, Emotions, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, spouses, strippers, trauma

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This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

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