Step 10 in Sex Addiction Recovery: Jorge and Doug discuss the practical aspects of working Step 10 in recovery. It is nearing thefinish line of the 12 steps!Remember that you are not alone on this road of recovery…..for more information please email us at email@example.com.
SOURCE: Terry Gaspard/Gottman Institute
Ben and Alicia are both waiting for the other person to change. I see it all the time in my private practice.
“I’ve been miserable for years,” complains Ben. “I’ve asked Alicia to give me space, but things don’t appear to be changing. It feels like I can’t breathe.”
“Ben has his friends over every weekend,” Alicia reflects. “He doesn’t consider my needs and I feel so alone.”
If you want your partner to change, start by accepting them for who they are. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman says, “People can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted the way they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.”
Instead of criticizing your partner, remind yourself of all of the things you appreciate about them, and share those things with them. Be genuinely interested in learning about why they see or do something differently than you, and be open to respecting and even celebrating what makes each of you unique.
Of course, there are some things that should never be tolerated in a relationship, like abuse, addiction, or infidelity. These behaviors should be addressed in a loving and direct way with the help of a professional. Even in those cases, it is possible to accept the person even if you do not accept their behavior.
Vulnerability and intimacy go hand in hand
What Ben and Alicia don’t realize is that they aren’t really arguing about the amount of time they spend together. The underlying issue in their marriage is that neither partner is able to express their needs in a non-blameful way.
They had never discussed what alone time and time together meant to each of them. By talking about this in my office, Ben finally understood Alicia’s fear of being alone. His understanding led him to carve out time to spend together on the weekends.
Couples seeking a deeper emotional connection need to understand that vulnerability and intimacy go hand in hand. In other words, intimacy can only occur when partners are vulnerable enough to share their deepest hopes, fears, and dreams without judgement.
Change starts with you
Do you spend more time questioning your partner’s words or actions than examining your own? Blaming your partner can feel good in the moment, but it’s dangerous because it can lead to anger and resentment.
Conflict is not a bad thing in relationships. After watching thousands of couples in his lab for over 40 years, Dr. Gottman discovered a simple truth: all couples argue. The difference between the couples that stay together and the ones who divorce is the way they repair after conflict. The Masters of relationships take responsibility for their role in the issue and change their own behavior.
Dr. Gottman explains, “The couples that don’t repair those hurts end up with festering wounds that grow bigger day by day, the month, and the year until they finally break the couple apart. Repair is absolutely crucial in any kind of relationship, particularly intimate relationships.”
Here are four things you can do instead of trying to change your partner that can change your relationship for the better.
1. Be a better partner
Many people stay in bad relationships with the desire to change their partner. In Marriage Rules, Dr. Harriet Lerner writes, “If you don’t change your part in a stuck pattern, no change will occur. Change comes from the bottom up: that is from the person who is in the most pain, or who has the least power, or who has lost or compromised too much in the relationship.”
2. Focus on the issues at hand
When you focus on changing your partner, you miss the opportunity to work together to come up with a solution. You’re no longer on the same team. Instead, focus on the issues at hand to meet both of your needs.
Anger is usually a symptom of underlying hurt, fear, and frustration, so speak in I statements and focus on expressing your feelings in a vulnerable way that invites your partner to understand your pain, rather than pushes them away.
3. Take responsibility
We are responsible for how our words and actions make our partner feel. Apologize to your partner by taking responsibility for the problem, even just a small piece, and this will validate their feelings, promote forgiveness, and allow you both to move on.
4. Complain without blame
In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Dr. Gottman explains that criticizing your partner is one of The Four Horsemen that predicts divorce. It is different from offering a critique or voicing a complaint. A criticism attacks the core of a person’s character while a complaint focuses on a specific behavior.
Successful couples remember to give each other the benefit of the doubt and consider that they are both doing the best they can. In The Science of Trust, Dr. Gottman advices couples to talk about their feelings in terms of a positive need, instead of what they do not need. By being good friends, you can build a healthy bond that will help you repair and navigate challenging moments together.
There is a saying to be the change you wish to see in the world. Gandhi advises us, “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him.” I believe this to be true in relationships as well.
Instead of trying to change your partner, be the change you wish to see in your relationship.
Doug talks through some action steps and analogies for addiction recovery. He points to theidea of treating every day like we are prepping for war…Remember that you are not alone on this road of recovery…..for more information please email firstname.lastname@example.org
by Rob Weddle
Lord, thank You for the many blessings You have bestowed upon me. Thank You for my house, my job, a car that runs, and for my family.
THE DEVIL: “Remember when we waved goodbye to our family last night? That’s the last time we shall ever see them. Burn the image in our mind, for it is the last we shall have this side of Heaven.”
Thank You for my grandkids. Thank You for my children and my son-in-law. They’re so amazing, Lord. What a blessing they are to me. Thank You for their gifts and their calling. Thank You for the humor and joy.
“But what if they get in a car crash today? What if we lose them all? What if we’re left alone in this world?”
Thank You, Jesus, that I am never alone. Thank You for the knowledge that, should something terrible happen, You are always with me. Nothing can separate us from Your love!
“Soon, God is all we shall have, and we shall be the epitome of sadness and tragedy. We shall be above all creatures most miserable”
(Opening my Bible to Philippians 4:8, and reading aloud), “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”
“We have so much to do today. What if we can’t get it all done? What if we fail?”
Help me to keep my eyes only on You, Jesus. Let me keep my gaze fixed upon You only. I can do nothing in this world apart from You.
“But what about…”
(Reading out loud from Proverbs 4:25-27) “Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path. Don’t get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil.”
Thank You, Lord, for redemption and healing. Thank You for mercy and grace.
“We’re 52 years old and in chronic pain. We struggle with depression and even sadness. Things shall only get worse as we grow older.”
(Reading out loud from John 16:33), “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”
Though my bones ache and my spirit cry, I shall serve You. Though my eyes grow dim and my days longer, I shall worship You. Though my body grow weaker, my spirit shall grow stronger.
I am DONE with these lies from the enemy, my Lord. (Reading aloud from 1 John 4:4), “But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. “
Thank You for victory, Lord. Thank You for peace. In Your name I pray all these things.
If you’re ready to take your recovery to the next level, FREEDOM GROUPS are for you! These new groups are based on Mark’s new 400-page workbook, Life Recovery Plan, which utilizes the latest research and data on addiction recovery. Here’s all you need to know.
Cost: $10 per week plus $25 workbook
Groups: Each meeting will last one hour, and be led by Dr. Denison. Some of the groups will be designed for specific needs. These are the tentative times for the groups:
- Live Group: Bradenton, FL (Mon. nights at 7 pm, starting Sep. 21)
- General Group: by Zoom (Tue. at 8 am EST, starting Sep. 22)
- General Group: by Zoom (Wed. at 8 pm EST, starting Sep. 23)
- Pastor’s Group: by Zoom (Thur. at 2 pm EST, starting Sep. 24)
- Physician’s Group: by Zoom (Sat. at 10 am EST, starting Sep. 26)
How do you get started? Just follow these three easy steps . . .
STEP 1 – BUY THE WORKBOOK
STEP 2 – REGISTER FOR A GROUP
Click the ‘REGISTER ME’ button below and this will take you to PayPal. After you complete payment for your first month, Mark will contact you and place you in the group that is right for you. If you have questions, or need a scholarship, contact Mark directly at Mark@theresstillhope.org.
STEP 3 – I WILL CONTACT YOU
I will email you to follow up. We will place you in the group that fits your needs and schedule. It’s that simple. Welcome to FREEDOM GROUPS!