CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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You Have a Right to be Sad

To continue to open yourself up emotionally to an abusive or addicted person without seeing true change is foolish. You should not continue to set yourself up for hurt and disappointment. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you should wait until it is safe and until real patterns of change have been demonstrated before you go back. In that horribly rough, shaky, nerve-rattling stage of stepping out in the truth, many adult survivors will have strong physical reactions to what they are remembering or seeing in a new light. They will, in many cases, demonstrate the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. They have been locked in a false reality for so long…. they are bound to feel the physical pain, via headaches, stomach pains, panic attacks, etc. in looking at the truth of what is. (And all that is one of the many, many reasons we highly recommend therapy for all adult survivors of emotional child abuse.) Unable to endure the headaches and that terrible feeling of guilt, of being orphaned, many adult survivors hurry back. A professional therapist, however, may tell them to hold on. Wait. Give it time. You don’t hurry back to the abusers to stop having headaches or feeling bad. In one case, we heard a therapist offer the following advice: “You’ve been living under a dictator for so long… You are bound to be lost right now. To feel that you’ve somehow betrayed your parents and family. But you are free now. And freedom takes some getting used to.” Mourn your loss… Getting rid of the magical thinking—”I wish my parents had been loving!” or “Maybe my parents will love me this time!”—is a tremendous step towards becoming healthy once more. So, let yourself mourn what you didn’t have and mourn what you did have. You have the right to be sad. It’s all right. Let yourself be sad… Look to the present. Remind yourself of the gift that you’ve given yourself in facing the truth of your emotionally abusive childhood. You can no longer be held emotional hostage. You are free to be who God intended you to be, free to be your most authentic self. Instead of wanting to turn back to the past, focus on what you have today… and try and create a new life for yourself with friends who are emotionally healthy, loving, and kind… and be that to others, too. From an on-line article by Veronica Maria Jarski
http://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/tag/adult-survivors-of-emotional-child-abuse-2/

Don’t judge yourself by what others did to you. C. Kennedy

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Good or Bad Parent?

When you unconditionally love a child, you love and accept him no matter what. For example, if your child drew on the walls with crayon, you won’t like what he did, but you still love him. According to a WebMD article titled “10 Commandments of Good Parenting,” it’s impossible to spoil a child with love. Just keep in mind that love isn’t synonymous with material possessions, low expectations or inappropriate leniency. When a child gets into trouble, a parent has a couple of ways to handle the problem — with punishment or discipline. Parents who use punishment do so as a way to make a child stop what she’s doing or to make her “pay” for her undesired actions or behaviors, according to the Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University’s publication, “Discipline and Punishment: What is the Difference?” Punishments often have nothing to do with a child’s offense, are self-centered and place responsibility on the parent to take action. On the other hand, discipline helps a child learn to behave appropriately, uses logical consequences that relate to the offense, shows respect and helps a child learn self-control. Parents are a child’s first teachers. From his first words to social norms, a child learns by watching and listening to his parents. According to the article “How to Be a Good Parent: It’s All about You!” on the Psychology Today website, being a positive role model for your child can be more effective than disciplinary measures or behavior training. Because your child looks to you to see how he should socialize and behave, it’s important to make your actions and words worth imitating. Children thrive on routine. When your behaviors, boundaries, rules and modes of discipline are consistent, your child will trust you, feel safe and respect your authority. While it’s important to be consistent with your behaviors and values, it’s equally vital to practice flexibility as a parent. As your child grows, so will her needs and skills. Making adjustments to the way you parent will help foster independence and intellectual growth, and provide a structured, supportive environment. Allowing yourself to pursue your own sense of independence is as important as fostering your child’s autonomy. Remember that you are more than a parent; you are a person with talents, hobbies and others who care about you. As you let your child explore and develop a sense of self, occasionally take time out for your own pursuits. Otherwise, according to Firestone, you’re at risk of living your life through your child, which can lead to emotional voids and rebellion. by Flora Richards-Gustafson, Demand Media http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/qualities-make-good-bad-parent-3846.html

“Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.” – Bill Ayers

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Adults with Abusive Childhoods

There are four common traits found in adults who have been abused as children. A person who has experienced severe sexual, physical, or emotional abuse will usually have all four. A person who experienced limited abuse will probably have only some of the traits, and those that are present will interfere with this person’s life in only a limited number of situations. The first trait is the tendency to be triggered by specific events, which has been called time tunneling… The second trait is difficulty modulating emotions. This means that it is easy for a person to become anxious or angry, and, once angered or frightened, it is difficult for this person to calm down. An adult who had to suppress many emotions as a child may also find it difficult to feel emotions at a low-level because the tendency to suppress emotions has become automatic. The third trait is a tendency to view oneself and the world negatively. The three key areas affected are the ability to trust, feel safe, and believe that it is possible to bring about desired outcomes. Two key areas in terms of one’s self image are whether or not one is normal and whether or not one is lovable. The nature of the abuse can greatly affect the form of these negative views. For instance, if a person was abused by a stranger, he or she may feel a sense of safety when close loved ones, and a sense of danger when far away from them. However, if a person was abused by someone who was supposed to protect and give love, the identification of what and who are “safe” becomes confused. The fourth trait is a reduced ability to understand events. People with this tendency find that they often go into a daze or become confused, especially when they are stressed, dealing with conflict, or emotionally upset. When a child is being abused and cannot escape physically, the child often takes the only other form of escape possible: dissociation. The more frequent and severe the abuse, the greater the tendency to remove oneself mentally from the painful experience. …people with abusive childhoods often find it difficult to distinguish unhealthy individuals from healthy ones. Their childhood experiences taught them to ignore the important indicators that to those raised in healthy families became danger signals. Instead, they “numb out” or use an old response pattern that causes them to walk into harm’s way without even knowing it. In addition, an abused child often develops a self-concept that contains beliefs about being dirty, inadequate, guilty, or responsible for what happened. As a result, a person like this often makes up a “cover story” and tries to hide who he or she really is… From article by Reneau Peurifoy
http://rpeurifoy.com/Articles/TraitsinAdultswithAbusiveChildhoods.aspx

“Not all scars show, not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can’t always see the pain that someone feels.” – Anonymous

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Recovery in the 23rd Century – VIDEO

I love Star Trek.  I grew up a Sci-Fi Geek with various episodes and movies of Star Trek, as well as Star Wars, swirling in my mind.  I often wonder, of all the Sci-Fi movies I have viewed in my life, how many of these movies had a recovery-related theme.  It wasn’t until entering recovery that the Holy Spirit gave me some special “recovery glasses” that have allowed me to spot recovery themes in various media; music, movies, photographs, etc…  These themes can include support groups, honesty, selfishness, selflessness, redemption, etc… that are portrayed in the movie. 

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier was probably one of the worst Star Trek movies made in terms of fan ratings and overall story line, until I watched it again in recovery.  WOW!  Below is a short summary of the overall movie from Wikipedia:

 Taking place shortly after the events of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, the plot follows the crew of the USS Enterprise-A as they confront a renegade Vulcan, Sybok, who is searching for God at the center of the galaxy.

What I saw in this movie was the healing power of James 5:16 and 1 John 1:9 dealing with confessing our deepest, darkest secrets.  When we do this, we have a chance of being healed and be purified from all unrighteousness!  This is exactly what we do in Castimonia in Steps One, Four, and Five, we release the pain inside of us caused by all of our secrets.  Confessing them to another or to the group is part of this process which only a few actually accomplish.  Once we bring these secrets into the open, we release it and it releases it’s hold on us.

I hope you enjoy watching this video as much as I enjoyed creating it.  As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

FAIR USE NOTICE: This video may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for purposes such as criticism, comment, teaching, & education, etc. This constitutes a ’fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! All trademarks and copyrights remain the property of their owners.

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3 Tips to Keep Kids Safe Online

http://pornproofkids.com/2013/12/12/pornography-addiction-3-tips-to-keep-kids-safe-online/

by Kristen Jenson

A therapist who specializes in pornography addiction recovery sees kids who became addicted to pornography by the age of 12.

But the pornography industry, which earns $93 billion annually, has no interest in revealing the truth that pornography addiction is real. Much like the tobacco industry deniers of yesteryear, porn producers adamantly argue that porn addiction is a fantasy.

  • Tell that to my friend Brian (name has been changed) who was shown pornography at the age of seven, and felt compelled to search for more images of nude women. The Internet fueled his fascination into a full-fledged pornography addiction that took years, a 12-step program, and the accountability of a therapy group to overcome.
  • Tell that to a woman I met whose father gave up everything, including his marriage and family relationships, to his pornography addiction and took it with him to his grave.

A pornography addiction is a hellish trap because the brain makes its own drug! The vile images are trapped inside the memory, and there’s no way to flush them out. And even without Internet access, a person can still recall the memories of porn to feed their addiction.

Norman Doidge, M.D., author of The Brain That Changes Itself, says this about pornography addiction:

“Pornographers promise healthy pleasure and relief from sexual tension, but what they often deliver is an addiction…and an eventual decrease in pleasure. Paradoxically, the male patients I worked with often craved pornography but didn’t like it.”

Just another level of hell: Intensely craving something you find disgusting.

3 Powerful Truths to Protect Against Pornography Addiction

Internet safety for kids is worth every effort and it starts with them understanding the danger of Internet pornography. These three tips will fortify your kids against the trap of addiction.

  1. Teach kids that their brains can be hurt by looking at pornography. Pornography is powerful and tricks the brain into strong feelings and desires to see more and more images. An addiction occurs when the brain becomes locked into wanting to see more and more intense images. An addiction actually changes the physical structure of the brain; scientists have actually measured the harmful effects of pornography using MRI scans.
  2. Teach kids healthy ways to deal with their feelings. Some kids use pornography to deal with negative emotions, like when they’re bored, lonely, angry, stressed or tired (BLAST), but doing so can lead to an addiction. Imagine if every time a person felt BLAST, their brain created a craving to see pornography? Pretty soon, pornography could become the most important thing in that person’s life.
  3. Teach kids to tell a trusted adult about any and all pornography exposure. Pornography has a stronger pull when it’s kept secret. Explain that when pornography is brought out into the light and discussed openly, its power is weakened.

The access to Internet pornography is easier than ever before. While filtering software can help, the only way for kids to avoid the risk of a pornography addiction is to decide for themselves to protect their brain. And in order to make that decision, they need to be informed before their hooked.