CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Turning Back

Originally posted at: http://theresstillhope.org

June 7, 2021

It’s one of the saddest verses in the Bible: “From that time many of his disciples went back and walked with him no more” (John 6:66). 

In the recovery world, we call that relapse. 

We find the following data on relapse from the Recovery Village.

  • Following treatment, 80% suffer relapse within the first year.
  • After two years of sobriety, the relapse rate drops to 40%.
  • The relapse rate after five years of sobriety is just 15%.

The bad news is this – relapse happens. The good news is – it doesn’t have to.

You don’t have to turn away – from Jesus or recovery. The key to long-term sobriety is short-term sobriety. And the key to short-term sobriety is what you do for the next 24 hours.

Recovery Step: You really have just two choices: move forward or turn back. And I think we both know which is the right way to go.

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Boundaries Build Bridges… Don’t Be Afraid To Set Them

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/boundaries-build-bridges-dont-be-afraid-to-set-them/

In my opinion, any relationship that doesn’t have healthy boundaries is not living up to its full potential. Yet, many are either unwilling or unable to set them. Many clients I see can not even define what a healthy boundary might even look like or are afraid of the consequences of setting them. Why would this situation, which in effect, is one of the healthiest practices we can engage in, go so wrong so often? The simple answer is that you cannot practice what you have never been taught. Many who find the setting of boundaries difficult, come from backgrounds where there were none, they were too tight or too loose, meaning that an element of fear exists in using them. Boundaries define your personal physical and psychological space and teach others how you wish to be treated. They define you and your values and define you as an individual. They are an essential part of interacting with others and good boundaries build bridges in a sense of emotional honesty. They do not destroy if set in the right way. More importantly, it allows you to define who you want in your life. More on healthy boundaries HERE.

People like me are always trying to make others see the value of setting healthy boundaries in the spirit of emotional honesty. That is expressing what you feel honestly and assertively when there is a feeling that a boundary needs to be set. In my opinion, if this is done consistently and without the fear of judgment, it can lead to a much deeper sense of intimacy in any relationship.

For a variety of reasons, it is very often very difficult for some people to even think about the value of boundaries. Some have never been exposed to healthy boundaries and have no idea when and how to set them. Some know how but are afraid for fear of “rocking the boat” or the reaction that might come from the other side. Some feel they do not deserve to say anything and live in resentment. Some hold back from saying what they think as a way of controlling the response of the other person. So you can maybe already work out that setting boundaries is not as easy as the theory suggests and people struggle badly with it. My advice is don’t be afraid of boundaries… they are extremely healthy and they can tell you a lot about the person you are setting boundaries around. One thing to keep in mind is that your responsibility is only to deliver the boundary in an assertive, honest way and without aggression. How the receiver takes it is not your issue. You are not responsible for the reaction from the other side.

One category not mentioned above are those who can and do set healthy boundaries but have them destroyed by someone who doesn’t accept the boundary or feels that people are not allowed to set them. They are knocked back with anger, insult or gaslighting. Some people then find it difficult to set a second boundary and allow this abuse to happen. This gives some the idea that the setting of boundaries is not worthwhile or useless or is too much trouble and takes too much energy. This is exactly what the other side might want and the resistance of healthy boundaries is abusive and controlling. If open discussion does not help and you have maybe tried getting outside help… what is to be done?

Should you ever stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect healthy boundaries and doesn’t allow them to be set? Definitely not. The healthy setting of boundaries is a major part of the 4 pillars of trust, honesty, respect and the mutual meeting of needs that go to making up a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. It deepens intimacy and brings security and stability to the relationship. Without boundaries and intimacy, we can only ever hope to  have a superficial relationship with another person. Boundaries define you as a person and how you want to be treated. We mostly all know how to set physical boundaries. We would never allow anyone to touch us inappropriately or to invade our physical comfort zone. The concept is exactly the same with our emotional boundaries. I always describe it as a house with a white picket fence. You have to decide who is allowed past that fence under what circumstances and who stays out outside. Those who break through need to be pushed outside. It is never too late to start this very healthy process.

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Neuroadaptation

Originally posted at: https://www.theresstillhope.org/neuroadaptation/

In his groundbreaking book, Drowning in Screen Time, my good friend David Murrow writes, “Photographic pornography has existed only since the mid-1800s and was made illegal in the United States in 1873. Vice laws were relaxed after World War II, and Hugh Hefner democratized and upscaled porn with the debut of Playboy magazine in December, 1953. The first-edition cover was tame by today’s standards, featuring Marilyn Monroe in a one-piece bathing suit.”

Dr. Howard Shaffer, of Harvard University, wrote, “I had great difficulty with my own colleagues when I suggested that a lot of addiction is the result of experience – repetitive, high-emotion, high-frequency experience. But it has become clear that neuroadaptation – that is, changes in neural circuitry that help perpetuate the behavior – occurs even in the absence of drug-taking.”

In other words, deviant sexual activity is progressive. 

Recovery Step: What you think today, you will do tomorrow. And then it will own you. As Jesus said, “Everyone who commits sin becomes a slave to sin” (John 8:34). But it doesn’t have to be that way. Jesus can set you free.

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Don’t Stall at the Wall

Originally posted at: https://www.theresstillhope.org/

May 20, 2021

You probably know the story that is found in Joshua 6. God told Joshua to march his men around the walls of Jericho for six days. On day seven they were to circle the city seven times, with the priests blaring their trumpets. You can read the details in Joshua 6:2-5.

The following verses tell us that the men did exactly as God had instructed Joshua. But there is one part to the story you may have missed.

Joshua never told the others what they would be doing. No warning about the six days or seven walks on day seven. No details. 

For me, this story is not about Joshua. It’s about the men whom he led. They followed the commands of Joshua in real time. No preparation. No rationalization. No explanation of why they were doing what they were doing. 

Still, they kept walking, trumpets in hand.

The lesson? When your sponsor or other recovery leader asks you to read a book, attend a meeting, or work a Step, do it. They are God’s representatives in your life. 

Recovery Step: What you are asked to do today may bring zero benefits – today. But keep walking. Keep marching. Don’t stall at the wall. 

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Codependent Families & Family Roles: What’s Yours?

originally posted at: http://thewellbeingblogger.com/2021/05/12/codependent-families-family-roles-whats-yours/

Codependent families are dysfunctional families, and there is no way I can sugar coat this. Believe me, I tried to in the past, because no one really enjoys to wake up one day and realise that their most secret suspicion – something is not right about my family – is based on true facts. Please know that there are no perfect families, as there are no perfect individuals, but there are definitely families that are less psychologically healthy than others, and that can cause a great deal of trauma and negative impact on a person’s development and growth.

My family has codependency issues and this is a problem that comes from at least three generations back. And just because you can identify this problem in your own family it doesn’t mean you haven’t been affected or even display codependent tendencies on a regular basis. Once you’re born into it, it takes continued effort to heal unhealthy behavioural and relational patterns. It takes inner work and maturity to learn and accept that such tendencies have shaped who we are and how we see the world. Let’s revisit the concept of codependency first though.

According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, codependency is a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition. This pathological condition can go from addiction (e.g. drugs) to personality disorders (e.g. borderline personality disorder) and traits (e.g. authoritarianism). When codependency is part of a family’s psychology, there are power struggles between its members and a good amount of control and manipulation.

In codependent families, it’s not unusual to find that each member performs a certain role within the family dynamic. The role can change from time to time, depending on the family’s dynamic as a whole. Sometimes one family member may have more than one role. According to Wegscheider-Cruse, there are five different roles. Although unhealthy, these roles have a survival value and they allow family members to experience less pain and stress. Within my family, for instances, I have played different roles to reduce the cognitive dissonance that results from living and growing up within a codependent family.

Unless some sort of therapy is initiated, people have usually no idea they are living and breathing from such roles. They may experience and sense that there is something wrong with the family dynamic, but might not be able to point out exactly what, and they may even prefer to live in the delusion that everything is alright to keep the status quo. The cost of keeping these roles active is, nonetheless, very high since they are psychologically unhealthy and, if not healed, can be passed to the following generation. The roles include the enabler, the hero, the lost child, the scapegoat, and the mascot, which I will describe next.

The Enabler

The Enabler is usually the member who is emotionally closer to the person who struggles with addiction or personality imbalances. There is a clear relationship of dependence between the enabler and that person. As situations become more chaotic and less controllable over time, the enabler tends to compensate the addict/unhealthy person by trying to control and manipulate reality, because the enabler feels extremely responsible for the family and therefore must keep it together at all cost. Enablers are usually the members of a family who extend themselves beyond measure to fulfil different chores, responsibilities and both physical and emotional needs of the whole family. People who play this role are very keen on hiding their fear, hurt, anger, guilt and pain by displaying self-blame, manipulation and self-pity.

The Hero

The Hero is usually the oldest child and the person who knows more about what is going on with the family. They know the family has issues and therefore they try to improve or make things better by becoming super achievers, providers or surrogate spouses (when children are used to fulfill a parent’s emotional needs). The Hero tends to look older than he/she is because they learned they had to act responsible from a very young age in order to survive. Heroes are often keen on hiding their loneliness, hurt, confusion, unworthiness and anger by making their best to be special, competent and confident. They often develop an independent second life away from the family.

The Scapegoat

The Scapegoat is usually identified in the family as the problematic child since they are keen on finding themselves in trouble both at home and in school. This is the family member in which the other family members place their anger and frustration. By focusing its attention on the problematic child, the family keeps the illusion that everything else is alright and healthy. Their role is to create distraction from the root-problem. Unlike the Hero, the Scapegoat seeks validation not within the family but in his peer group. Scapegoats are very keen on hiding their pain and rejection feelings by withdrawing from the family, engaging in risky behaviours, acting out and displaying aggressive behaviours.

The Lost Child

The Lost Child tends to manifest withdrawing behaviours but instead of withdrawing to a peer group they withdraw into themselves. They may protect themselves by retreating to their fantasy world. They often don’t act out, like the Scapegoat does, and they don’t seek achievements as the Hero. As such, they may go invisible and don’t get much attention from the family. The Lost Child’s role is to provide relief to the family by not giving others the chance to worry about them. Lost Children are very keen on hiding their loneliness, pain and sense of inadequacy by being quiet, distant and super independent.

The Mascot

The Mascot is usually charming and pleasant. They often make others laugh and their role is to provide light entertainment. The Mascot is often the family member who knows the least about the family’s root problem and they are rarely taken seriously. Underneath their distraction attempts lies a great amount of fragility. Mascots are keen on hiding their fear, insecurity and loneliness by being hyperactive, cute and doing funny things to grab people’s attention.