CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

narcissist

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Why You Can’t Let Go Of That Narcissist

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/why-you-cant-let-go-of-that-narcissist/

I have lost count of the amount of times I have been asked by desperate clients why they cannot let go of an abuser and a narcissist. It seems that they have been injected by some form of drug that has formed an addiction and no amount of logic, common sense or realism will help them. They will go to all lengths to ensure that they remain in contact, however dysfunctional that may be for them. It is a hold that seemingly cannot be broken but truly has to be if recovery is to take place.

Clients who I have recently worked with cannot understand the hold these abusers have over them and of course, blame themselves for the fact that it happens. They really don’t understand how this could have happened to them. The breakup was quite likely traumatic and leaves an effect large enough to keep the victim hooked in. Hooked in is the key word and explains some of the process. This happens in the adulation stage. The initial attraction is often linked to some form of trauma or loss that lends the victim vulnerable to being  “helped”.

The power a narcissist has over his victim is all encompassing in the adulation stage and the “hooks” created can make even the most intelligent, rational person doubt their own sanity. It is the kind of brainwashing power that, when transported onto a larger stage, powers dictatorships, sects and ideologies, like the Nazi party and Communism. For the victim, it is the start of a process that will leave them emotionally destroyed when the narcissist targets the next victim and invariably discards them.

Narcissists are very choosy. They choose their victims carefully and their choice is usually based on such things as status, wealth, influence or ability. The victims are usually attractive and popular. The more of this the victim has, the greater the value of the supply for the narcissist. Narcissists are great observers at this stage. They place their victims on a pedestal and make sure that they get everything they need in the way of care, loving and attention. They idolise, worship them and make the victim feel that they have been waiting all their life for this person to appear. The victim might actually believe that the narcissist is in love with them, but this is infatuation. The relationship moves quickly based on the promises that the narcissist makes. The victim, being so wrapped up in all the attention coming their way, happily moves along with it, not believing their luck that this person is in their life. They have fallen for the illusion created by the narcissist and it leaves them totally unprepared for what is to follow.

The adulation stage is very powerful and seductive. It is like a drug and can be described as the  “honeymoon period” times three or four. There is an old saying which is especially relevant here and one that codependents might do well to remember. That is “You learn more about a person at the end of the relationship than at the beginning” . With a narcissist, this is especially true. The adulation stage (the beginning), is an illusion, a mask, that convinces the victim that they are with someone who is capable of empathy, compassion, understanding and love. The world is totally in order and all of their needs are being catered for. Maybe for the first time in their life, they feel totally appreciated. There is more fun, sex, and connection than they have ever known before. The problem is, as they will soon find out, it is not real and reality will bite them. 

The honeymoon period under normal circumstances is difficult to navigate when it ends. It is normally driven by hormones, biology, hope and expectation. It will end (as it should) and then reality sets in. This is not necessarily negative if the couple can cope with the changes and keep level-headed about it. However, with a narcissist, it is very difficult to accept the end of such a “great” beginning where fantasy has been built.

Most of this is to do with what we term “cognitive dissonance”. This is a psychological term for when you hold two or more conflicting beliefs, attitudes or behaviour at the same time. It makes you feel uncomfortable and so you alter your behaviour to try to restore the balance. However things aren’t that easy when you’ve been involved with a narcissist. Their entire existence is fabricated around dissonance. They say one thing, do another. And so you can’t restore the balance. You loved them but now you hate what they did to you. You trusted them but know you can’t believe a word they say.

The truth that you must understand is:

It is an illusion that anyone or anything outside of you has power over you – the only reason they can have power over you is because you have unhealed parts that are allowing it.

This is the truth. Your pain and your mind attachment to the narcissist is energised and pounding because you haven’t realised that your healing is about you. It is not about the narcissist and that is the very reason you were attracted to them in the first place. The deeper parts of you that needed healing presented themselves fully to the narcissist and they took full advantage, promising you (or so you assumed) that they would finally heal you.

How can the narcissist be shut out? Firstly, understand that no-contact is essential, however painful. Close every door and don’t allow them to leave anything behind which might mean they can contact you later. Block social media (including their family and friends) and start the necessary work of healing the deeper parts of you. Realise that the narcissist is a symptom of this and not the cause and they were not the answer to your dreams but actually your worst nightmare!

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Where Narcissists And Codependents Share Common Ground

Originally posted at: https://freefromcodependency.com/2021/06/21/where-narcissists-and-codependents-share-common-ground/

Much of the content available online paint narcissists as monsters and codependents as victims. As most of the personal blogs that carry this content are seemingly written by people who have had a relationship with a narcissist that went badly, it is hardly surprising that they feel hard done by. The word narcissist is too easy to use as a label for selfish and self-centered people who may or may not be one and I do truly have the feeling that anyone who ends a relationship badly is quickly ordained with this moniker. By doing this, people are putting themselves in victim status and suggesting that they were “caught” or “had” or “deceived” and in many cases, that could be the truth but is it the whole truth? Are we too quick to use the Narc label to avoid responsibility for own failings?

While it is quite likely true that there are men, narcissist or not, who prey on vulnerable women, it is too simplistic to suggest this is all that is happening. We have to look at people’s motives for getting into a relationship in the first place and this is where codependency and narcissism can share some common ground. Shared issues but different approaches to the problem.

While we can be very comfortable alone, we are all looking for “the one”, who will help us navigate this difficult world. Humans by nature, are not solitary beings and we all prefer to be with someone who cares about us and loves us, even if most of us have no idea what love is. In the adulation phase of the relationship, namely the first six months, we tend to lose our heads somewhat in the euphoria of a new relationship. Boundaries and limits and some might say common sense, go out of our minds in the process of attraction. I am reminded of an experiment held on the BBC concerning how our brains work during this process. Full of hormonal leanings, the couples highlighted who were attracted to each other started to mimic facial gestures, body language and even opinions that they admitted they didn’t hold before. Oh, how our brains trick us.

It is in this euphoria that codependents are often prey to someone who might use their need to connect to their own advantage and due to the reasons stated above, are not always aware or open to being made aware of potential issues. Many times in therapy, I have asked a client, to no avail, to take it slow and find out who their new partner really is. It often falls on deaf ears with disastrous results waiting further down the line. When it comes to the narcissist-codependent dance, it is often a case of inferiority complex meets superiority complex and something has to give.

While there appears to be a clear difference between the narcissist and the codependent, they come from the same background. While there is little known about the causes of narcissism, an abusive childhood full of toxic shame is one factor that is an obvious one. With this in mind, they live in an extreme shortage mentality that means they must take what they need. Not surprisingly, most are men who are traditionally taught not to show emotion or especially anger. It creates a self-esteem void that must be filled with input from others to the advantage of the narcissist. Whatever their needs are, they will take them through manipulation and severe control of their target. Whether it is sex, admiration or just because they can, they destroy their victims for their own benefit. I have seen women take years to get over such an encounter. Amazingly, these people are also present on the internet, advertising themselves a the narcissist who can help you with your narcissist partner. This is always a scam to attract and entrap the vulnerable and naive who might actually believe what they are saying is true. In one such case I know, it is virtually impossible to leave once subscribed as the victims face such things as having their reputations ruined, websites hacked into and other repugnant measures. The sad element of this is that the people who do this are so into the “cult” figure that runs the website, that they will do anything for whoever is behind it. Such is the seductive nature and power of the narcissist.

Codependents are also created through toxic shame but come from the problem from a different angle. Starved of affection and connection as a child, they are taught that they are not good enough and have to work for everything they get. Codependents are often workaholics or overachievers and bring that attitude to relationships. There is not much a codependent won’t do to gain what they need. They also have a self-esteem void which needs filling and this is where comparisons can be drawn with the narcissist.

In my recent podcast with Jane, I asked her what she was getting from a relationship with her narcissist partner. She was surprised when I brought up the idea that by trying to be indispensable in his life, she was trying to control the narrative of the relationship. She was giving all to get something and filling her self-esteem void by trying to make him secure and subsequently herself too. The issue always is that nothing is genuine with a narcissist and the only security he will allow is through manipulation. I have often stated that a relationship with a narcissist is doomed the day a new partner meets them. They will stay physically longer but will gradually emotionally detach after the adulation phase. Something akin to a tornado of increasing strength that blows through leaving destruction in its path.

This is where the similarities can be seen. The self-esteem void needs to be filled. They just do it in very different ways. Let’s not forget though that codependents can also show “nasty” aspects of their character too. Meant codependents are very angry people who use this and playing a perpetual victim to control their partner. This is often mixed up with silent treatment and statements like “look at everything I do for you!”.

Maybe this determines why the two personalities on either end of a long spectrum often find each other.

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Living With A Narcissist

SOURCE:  Taken from an article by Les Carter/CareLeader

Helping those living with a narcissist

What is narcissism?

Narcissism is defined as a personality so consumed with self that the individual is unable to consistently relate to the feelings, needs, and perceptions of others.

Why is it so difficult for someone to live with a narcissist?

It is quite challenging to live with a narcissist since chronically controlling and exploitative behavior is at the core of this personality, and over time narcissists have a knack for generating exasperation in those who simply want to relate with equality and respect.

Anyone can be self-centered. What makes a person a narcissist?

When we refer to a narcissistic personality, we acknowledge that self-absorption is not just present, but it is the defining feature. Even when they appear helpful or friendly, narcissists eventually illustrate that their good behavior has a self-serving hook on the end of it. (“Now you owe me.”)

What are some indicators that someone is a narcissist?

Key indicators of a full-blown narcissistic personality include an inability to empathize; expecting special favors; an attitude of entitlement; manipulative or exploitative behaviors; hypersensitivity when confronted; being loose with “facts”; extremes in emotional reactions, both positive and negative; idealism; an unwillingness to deal with reality; an insatiable need for control; the need to be in the superior or favored position; and an ability to make initial positive impressions.

How can someone have a healthy relationship with a narcissist?

I know it seems pessimistic for me to state this, but when someone engages with a narcissist, he or she cannot afford to think “normally.” Normal relationships have an ebb and flow of cooperation, something a narcissist knows little about. (Keep in mind, the narcissist thinks he or she is unique, meaning above the standards of everyone else.)

Is it wise to try and reform the narcissist?

While it is tempting to plead or debate with the narcissist, such efforts will only increase one’s aggravation. The narcissist has no interest speaking as one equal to another. The narcissist must win, meaning the other person must lose. There is a very small probability that person will respond to another person’s good comments with, “I really needed to hear that. Thanks for the input.” Don’t waste emotional energies by bargaining, insisting, or convincing.

How should someone communicate with a narcissist?

A very predictable tactic of the narcissist is to argue the merits of one’s beliefs or needs. This strategy draws a person into a debate that will never end well for the person (Prov. 26:4). The good news is that the hurting spouse is not required to be a master debater, and in fact, after the spouse has explained his or her thoughts and feelings once, those words do not need to be repeated. For instance, when the narcissist continues to argue, instead of being sucked in, a person can say something like, “I know we differ, but I’m comfortable with my decision.” When receiving the predictable push-back, he or she can say, “I’m comfortable with my decision, so I’ll stick with my plans.” No debate, no needless justification.

Why is it important for those living with a narcissist to demonstrate a belief in their own dignity?

Someone may often feel poorly about him- or herself since a narcissist so readily discounts that person, leaving the person to wonder, “What’s so awful about me?” Encourage the person not to fall into that trap. Contrary to the narcissist’s assumption, one’s dignity is a God-given gift, and it does not vary due to the narcissistic person’s invalidations (Ps. 139:13–14). Encourage the person who feels poorly to connect with friends and associates who understand how relationships can be anchored in mutual regard.

What can a person do to stay at peace with a narcissist?

Narcissists can stubbornly persuade and coerce, telling others how to think and behave. Being inebriated with correctness, they quickly turn discussions into a battle for dominance. The best way for a person to be in control of him- or herself is to drop the illusion that he or she can control the narcissist, and also to remember that sometimes there’s only so much one can do to keep the peace (Rom. 12:18).

Additional resources

For more detailed instruction on how to live with a narcissistic/self-centered spouse, see Brad Hambrick’s free online resource Marriage with a Chronically Self-Centered Spouse. It’s a helpful guide you can use to help spouses develop Christ-centered strategies to deal with a narcissist. The resource is also designed for self-study.