Steve Holladay, Founder and Director of Ultimate Escape, presents a humorous and interactive look at the cycle of addiction.
Jesus Christ
Definition of Codependency
To many professionals in the treatment field and their clients, the term “codependency” can be confusing and unclear. Some clients even find the term offensive and/or say that it is a poor fit to describe them, according to Ann W. Smith MS, LPC, LMFT, NCC. Smith is the Executive Director of Breakthrough at Caron, which is a 5 ½ day residential personal growth workshop designed for those who are struggling with relationship patterns developed from early attachment injuries in core relationships. She explains the evolution of codependency starting in 1980 when the addiction field began to show interest in involving the family in addiction treatment. Soon after that time, Caron introduced a residential family program. She discusses the labels that were used before the term “codependency” came about. One of these labels was “co-alcoholic” and she says that this one didn’t stick because the term chemical dependency replaced alcoholism. Another label that was used early on was “chief enabler or ‘collateral,’” which were used for the spouse of an addict when their spouse was in treatment. As time went on, committees met and the terms “Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA)” and “codependency” began to emerge across the country around 1981. At the 1989 National Conference on Codependency, a commit of experts in the codependency field… came together to establish this definition: “Codependency is a pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behavior and on approval seeking, in an attempt to gain safety, identity and self-worth. Recovery is possible.” Although Smith was on the committee that developed this definition, she still felt that it was too general and that it couldn’t be applied to specific people. She explains the following definition of codependency that she created: “Codependency is a condition or state of being, that results from adapting to dysfunction (possibly addiction) in a significant other. Codependency is a learned response to stress which, over a person’s lifetime, can lead to the development of the following characteristics: External Focus, Repressed Feelings, Comfort with Crisis, Boundary Conflicts, Isolation, Stress related illness. By Shannon Brys, Associate Editor http://www.addictionpro.com/article/codependency-patterns-attachment
It’s hard to give up the self-esteem connected to being codependent and appearing ‘right,’ which is probably a survival behavior learned from growing up in a crazy family. It feels like you will actually disappear. Melody Beattie
The Addict Rarely Sees a Problem
Parasites can suck the life out of a healthy body. Relationship parasites can also destroy a healthy marriage. One form of relationship parasite is addictions, such as addictions to alcohol, illegal drugs, prescriptive drugs, gambling or pornography. No matter what the form, however, all addictions can be marriage killers. Addictions typically seem innocent at first: There’s nothing “wrong” with “a beer or two.” Lots of people buy lottery tickets or go to the casinos for a little fun. If there was anything wrong with prescriptive drugs, they would be illegal. Moreover, most people who drink beer, buy lottery tickets or take prescriptive drugs suffer no problems. What seems like fun, however, becomes an addiction when behaviors change from something a spouse enjoys to something he or she needs, then to something the spouse craves, then to something that becomes the central focus of the person’s life. Addictions don’t disappear on their own; they only get worse. Thus, the first step in addressing addictions is honestly admitting that an addiction exists. The first person to take this step is usually the non-addicted spouse. This takes courage and requires a willingness to be assertive and to clearly communicate to your spouse that there’s a problem. It may also involve your learning about the addictive process and how one begins the recovery process. The addict rarely sees a problem and, in fact, often denies a problem exists, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. Breaking through this denial can be extremely difficult. It may require the non-addicted spouse meeting with a professional counselor to develop a plan. Groups such as AA, NA, or Gamblers Anonymous can also provide useful information. Once the denial is dealt with, dealing with the addiction will also require planning and a great deal of effort. The thought processes of the addict have been changed by the addiction, and just starting the process of getting the mind to function in a rational way will take three to six months. Since the marriage is affected, it’s also essential that couple therapy get started. There will be issues of forgiveness and reconnection that need to be addressed. Addictions can destroy a marriage, but with hard work and honest support, couples can heal the hurt and rebuild their marriage into the healthy relationship they hoped for when they first fell in love. From an article by James Sheridan http://www.news-sentinel.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20120502/LIVING/305029997/1008
“Here I am trying to live, or rather, I am trying to teach the death within me how to live.” – Jean Cocteau
The Brokenness Of Porn
http://intentionalwarriors.com/2013/09/04/the-brokenness-of-porn/
By james tarring cordrey, September 4, 2013
One of the powerful and massive deceptions foisted upon us by the porn industry is the idea that the people — the majority of whom are women — who offer themselves sexually for our lustful pleasure are individuals whom we should desire.
In other words, pornography producers present to us bodies and tell us that they are what we ought to want. They are worthy of our adoration and our affection, we are told. When Jenna Jameson wrote a book about how to make love like a porn star, the assumption was that we all want to make love like porn stars.
But anyone who has watched porn and has learned anything about the industry knows that the kind of sex, as well as the quality of it, that occurs on porn sets is not something you would actually want in real life. Even Jenna Jameson admits to the gross nature of many of the things that she did on set.
In the case of pornography, there is a massive game of smoke and mirrors.
More than that, pornography exploits the vulnerability of sexuality and capitalizes on the brokenness of the performers to do it.
Healthy sexuality is safe because in the context of a loving and mutual monogamous marriage relationship a man and a woman who have made a commitment to one another can explore the beauty God created in the naked bodies of both male and female.
All of us are broken; we live in a fallen world. We have misplaced desires; we have insecurities; we have broken relational patterns; and we often damage other people unwittingly.
But in pornography the brokenness carries an extra weight or significance. A person who offers himself or herself as an object of sexual lust, particularly as an object of lust for strangers, is being exploited in his or her brokenness. Others are profiting from it also.
And the individual who actually willingly choses to present himself or herself as a sexual object, and longs to be craved sexually, is a sad person. A person to be pitied. A person who needs others to help them deal with the pain in their lives which drives them to make unhealthy sexual choices.
While the world tells us such people are “hot” and should be emulated as well as lusted after, the truth is they aren’t.
But in our brokenness we consume pornography because the lie of it soothes our own pain and sadness.
The answer to the brokenness of porn is the wholeness of Jesus.
Parent’s Paradox
“Attempting to usher a young person (or adult) entrapped in substance abuse ‘over the hump’ until he or she ‘gets it’ will turn a well-intentioned mother or father into part of the problem, not part of the solution.
“Our first instinct as parents has always been to protect our children. We guided them as toddlers away from the hot stove, the steep stairs, and the traffic in the street. Preventive guidance worked then, but no longer.
“Here’s the cherry on the top: while marshaling your best efforts against the chaos, you, Oh-Well-Meaning-One, are aiding and abetting a destructive course. Though every instinct you have exercised as a mother or father is driving you to do anything and everything to derail an emotional and physical train wreck, the ‘conductor’ on this careening ride is the addict. The more you scramble for solutions, the more you, the parent, are enabling the addictive behavior to progress! Without realizing what is happening to you and your family, you have morphed into an anxious, frantic, crazy person, embroiled by a condition that you did not cause, cannot control, and cannot cure.
“Welcome to codependency. You have now become part of the problem, not part of the solution. As if this weren’t enough, you good intentions amount to sticking your nose into someone else’s business–the business of the daughter/son you are trying to rescue. Even smoothing the rough spots for your child can provide only a temporary fix. Like applying a Band-Aid to a boil, treating the surface problem cannot reach what is going on underneath. The core of the problem continues to fester and grow.” – Barbara Victoria in It’s not about you, except when it is
Parent’s paradox is when helping the child is actually hurting them. They want to help but helping in the wrong way can be detrimental to their child.
