CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Affairs

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Pornography use is a relationship issue

“As sex and relationship therapists, we know that pornography use is a relationship issue.  Porn affects the user’s inner life (the relationship he has with himself), as well as the interactions he has with his partner and other family members.  Regular porn use often interferes with a person’s ability to maintain good self-esteem and experience manually fulfilling sexual intimacy with a partner.  Dealing with pornography is not solely about stopping a behavior or overcoming an addiction.  It also involves reclaiming a sense of personal integrity and manifesting attitudes and behaviors that promote healthy sexual intimacy.  Nothing we found in our research discussed pornography use and its repercussions with this type of emphasis.” – Wendy Maltz, LCSW, DST and Larry Maltz, LCSW in The Porn Trap

Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder, not about sex but about an emotional issue.  Regular porn use lowers the ability to feel good about themselves and their intimate relationships, so they withdraw which increases the emotional disconnect.

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Forgiveness and Intimacy

1) – Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage we do not always do the right thing. We have sometimes done and said hurtful things to our spouses. We cannot erase the past. We can only confess it and agree that it was wrong. We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mitigate the hurt it may have caused my spouse. When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and requested forgiveness, I have the option of justice or forgiveness. If I choose justice and seek to pay her back or make her pay for her wrongdoing, I am making myself the judge and her the felon. Intimacy becomes impossible. If, however, I choose to forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love.

2) – What is emotional intimacy? It is that deep sense of being connected to one another. It is feeling loved, respected and appreciated, while at the same time seeking to reciprocate. To feel loved is to have the sense that the other person genuinely cares about your well-being. Respect has to do with feeling that your potential spouse has positive regard for your personhood, intellect, abilities and personality. Appreciation is that inner sense that your partner values your contribution to the relationship. Two quotes by Dr. Gary Chapman author of “The Five Love Languages”

We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it. Rick Warren

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Self harm and deprivation

“‘What are you doing to take care of yourself?’ is one of the most often asked questions in recovery.  Self neglect is one of the common causes of relapse, and it is true that children whose parents neglected them have difficulty taking good care of themselves.

“This part of your recovery plan looks at those areas of your life that have gone beyond neglect of yourself and become compulsive deprivation or even compulsive self-harm.  First you need to identify forms of compulsive deprivation or self-harm that existed in the relationship(s) that you worry about.” – Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. in The Betrayal Bond

Compulsive deprivation and self-harm comes in many forms.  Anorexia, sexual anorexia, compulsive saving or hoarding. compulsive cleaning, cutting or hurting self, hair pulling or skin picking, body piercing or excessive tattoos, compulsive exercising, compulsive debting or compulsive saving, compulsive working are all example of depriving and hurting oneself.

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Helping My Husband Fight the Battle (Marsha)

There are times when I know Jeff is more prone to slip up on the road to recovery.  These include when he is tired, when he is stressed and when he is lonely.  I don’t travel much, but when I do it is a perfect storm for Jeff.  As the lone caretaker for our two active boys while I’m out of town – the stress and exhaustion come quickly.  The loneliness soon follows.  Here are some things I try to do to support Jeff when I have to be away from home.

  1. I take his struggle seriously. I ask him about his strategy. I encourage him and affirm him.
  2. I try to help him find some pockets of time to recharge. Maybe that means scheduling a babysitter one evening while I’m gone so he can go to his group.  Or arrange a play date so he can enjoy a few hours of quiet at the house.
  3. I spend time with him alone before and after the trip. No kids, no “to do” list. Whether it is a date night or just a quiet evening after putting the kids to bed, I let him know that I love him by speaking his love language.
  4. I leave notes of encouragement. This is something I use to do just for the boys, but Jeff loves it too.  I put them on the bathroom mirror, on the front door, in dresser drawers.  I want all my boys to be reminded that they are the world to me.
  5. I talk to him frequently while I’m out of town. I’m not a phone talker, but Jeff has shared with me that he really needs to talk to me while I’m gone.  So I give him my full attention, which means I turn off the tv and the computer and focus on him.  I also try to let him end the conversation, so he doesn’t feel as if I’m rushing him.
  6. I pray for him. I confess that I don’t do this nearly as much as I should.  But I ask the Lord to keep Jeff strong, to give the boys a smooth, easy week, and to protect Jeff’s eyes from temptation.  I never forget that this is a spiritual battle, which can only be fought by prayer.

Email:  marsha@puritycoaching.com 

She offers help to spouses of sexual strugglers through phone coaching and online spouses’ support groups.

Check out our site:  www.puritycoaching.com

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Goodbye Letter

This letter was written by one of the members of Castimonia on the request of his therapist.  Please take a moment to read this, it is very powerful.

Goodbye Letter

Dear Addiction,

                I have longed for this day for over 20 years. I’m writing to tell you ‘goodbye’. Sure, I’ve said that before, but before you mock me, I have a few things to say. I’ve been reflecting on our time together lately. I don’t remember when we met; it seems like you’ve always been around. But we really grew close the summer I found that adult magazine. What a rush! I had never met anyone who could make me feel as good as you could. As my companion, you knew the pain I felt as a boy, you understood it better than I did. You were such a comforter, bringing images to mind to take my thoughts away from the pain and uncertainties of life.

                I understand how we grew so close, but I couldn’t see how you were changing me. You changed the way I viewed the world, the way I saw women, and the way I viewed myself. You changed my priorities and passions, you changed my fragile boundaries, and you changed the very structure of my brain!

                I thought of you as a friend, but you were anything but a friend. You brought harm to every part of my being; mind, body and, spirit. You also harmed countless people around me; from people I didn’t even know to the people I loved the most. You destroyed relationships with my family and closest friends. You cost me a marriage, a ministry, and my reputation with my home church. You stole tens of thousands of hours from my work, family, and from life giving pursuits, not to mention the thousands of dollars from my bank account. You took my integrity, confidence, and self-respect. Weren’t you satisfied with all of that? No!

                You drew me away from my God and demanded that I worship you! You took His place in my life, but you were a poor substitute old Familiar One. You never left me nor forsook me, even though I begged you to. I sacrificed the most sacred things for you, but you always wanted more. I feasted at your table, but your food and drink left my soul ravenous and parched. I faithfully listened and obeyed your words, but nothing turned out as you said…NOTHING!!! There were times, it’s true, you brought me comfort, happiness, and wholeness. But your gifts were a mirage, a momentary fix at best. In the end, they brought shame and guilt, which deepened my despair.       In all things, you promised life but delivered death.

                I know this wasn’t ALL your fault. I am to blame, too; I went along, I said “yes”. I invited you in time and time again. I fed you, entertained you, gave you a safe place to reside, and went to all lengths to protect you. I’ve given you far too much power, influence, time, attention, and energy.

                Five months ago today (9/11/14), my loving Father intervened and opened my eyes to see how toxic our relationship was. I severed our relationship because I saw the destruction you brought to my life. Though the scars from our ventures will never go away, your influence will be felt for years to come. Yes, you’ve altered my life forever.   But I am a better man without you. My family is better without you.

                I’ve asked my Heavenly Father to take your place and to show me a better way. We’re on a different path than the one you travel. I know this will make you angry, and you will lurk in the shadows seeking to enslave me once again. But I’m getting stronger by the day old ‘friend’. I know your voice and will be vigilant to watch for you. So it’s time to say a final “goodbye” to you Familiar One, you and your destructive ways are no longer welcome here.

PS: I’m telling other men about you; I’m exposing you for who you really are. I only hope that I can destroy as many of your relationships as you have of mine.

No longer your slave,