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Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Unclean

 Unclean – NotUnknown.com – Keith B.

Unclean. Miriam-Webster Dictionary defines unclean  as “dirty, filthy, morally or spiritually impure.” How did I get that way? Of course, original sin led to that break with God and true moral and spiritual impurity. But really, what happened with me in particular?

So, what is “clean”? I believe I mentioned that God is Holy. Yeah, I know, big surprise. Because of that original sin of Adam and Eve, we can’t ever meet His standard of holiness while here on earth in our brokenness and in a broken world. So why does holiness even matter?

Leviticus 19 – 21 defines holiness, cleanliness and why they are important. Someone challenged me last week when I wrote about the necessity of seeking a life of holiness to pursue a relationship with God. I was rightly challenged that holiness is not a requirement for salvation or being seen as redeemed by God, which is true. So why pursue holiness? Well, two real reasons. One, living by holy standards gives glory to the Lord, honoring Him in our lives by seeking His standard of living. Two, living by holy standards keeps us from unhealthiness, disease, abuse, and darkness. Stark, huh?

God is Holy. He is the Holy One. He decides what is holy and what isn’t. He is picky, like I mentioned previously. He defines what is clean and what is unclean. Sexual holiness means living by God’s holy standards. In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul explained the importance of practicing sexual holiness and honoring God’s creation of our bodies. He stated our bodies are part of Christ and defiling our bodies through sexual immorality defiles the holiness of God. In 1 Thessalonians 4, Paul goes further by defining sexual holiness as existing in the context of marriage between man and woman. Paul made clear that sexual holiness means avoiding any sexual immorality. All sexual sin including adultery, prostitution, homosexuality – all run counter to God’s call to holiness.

How do we become unclean? Many don’t know any better, don’t know God’s expectations for living a holy life. Some of us have a desperate need that we try to fill with something other than God. We may listen to our culture which allows for and even encourages sexual practices that don’t fit God’s definition of holiness. Whatever path we follow, all of us need a Holy Savior.

Our culture and society label those who express support for sexual holiness as intolerant or ignorant or unenlightened. So how do we live in this society, balancing the pursuit of holiness with the love of Christ for all people? I turn to John 1:17 again and again to the only man who successfully navigated being in the culture but not of the world. Jesus came in grace and truth. We pursue His model of living. Revelation 4:8 reminds me “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty.” 1 John 4:8 says “anyone who does not love, does not know God, for God is love.”

God calls me as a follower of Christ to pursue His Holiness and to show His love. Grace and truth. Sexual holiness exists as His truth. Telling my story of redemption and restoration allows me to share a message and example of His grace. Grace and truth. He calls me to both.

 

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Chatting with God

Chatting with God – NotUnknown.com by Keith B.

First, a confession. I steal…without shame. The knot of guilt burrowed in my stomach until I rediscovered a quote from T.S. Eliot – “good writers borrow, great writers steal.” I don’t identify as a great writer. I do identify as a thief. I steal stories, quotes, ideas, anything I can take and improve upon. My friends and my fellow addicts call me out when they recognize a previously shared topic, check-in, step study idea. I confess mining bible studies, Sunday school classes, and recovery meetings for fantastic blog posts and chapter ideas. So, I will ask forgiveness now. This post is shamelessly stolen and maybe improved upon a tiny bit.

It starts with Leviticus 19:2 – “You must be holy because I, the Lord your God, am holy.”

Two weeks ago, we had a guest teacher in our Sunday school class. She taught on the holiness of God using Leviticus chapters 1 – 8. I encourage you to look at this scripture. Scintillating stuff for sure. Detailed descriptions on how to bring sacrifices to God. How to cut the animal’s throat, where to place the blood, what parts of the animal to burn where. Makes you think God is picky. He isn’t picky, according to our guest teacher. He’s holy. To allow me in His presence takes a little work on my part and a lot on His. He is holy and sinless and clean. I, on the other hand, am not. Hence the detail around how to cleanse me to be allowed in His presence just so He can have a relationship with me. Pursuing righteousness makes more sense to me now. God craves and desires fellowship with me. Probably not too much to ask for me to pursue the same with Him.

Ok, warning. More theft of ideas. Last week in a recovery meeting, our leader shared an incredible topic. He wanted us to consider how we communicate with God. I had no idea the creativity many of us have in how we communicate with God. One guy sees God in bugs. I kid you not. Bugs. We differ greatly here. I validate the existence of Satan by the existence of bugs, specifically spiders and anything else with greater than four legs. My friend finds evidence and communion with God through His creation. Bugs and nature and everything else around us. Wow. I admit I never saw God in bugs until now. I guess no more squishing spiders. Ok, rigorous honesty, I won’t promise no more squishing spiders. I promise to have some guilt when I do.

At my friend’s urging, I spent time with this question: how do I chat with God? To pursue holiness and righteousness, I must commune with God, so how do I personally do so? Two main ways. I like Bible studies with other men. Studies where I pore over His word and seek truths and learn what others discover from the same scripture I study. I write. I carry a notebook with me and jot down things that I hear God in, seriously that’s what I do. Then I take them and form blog posts, book chapters, however they fit. In them, I chat with God through telling you where I meet Him daily. Chatting with God, for me, means pursuing holiness so we have something to chat about.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 50 (4Real!): I Am Right!

Episode 50 – I am right! Being confident as a way to hide sex addiction

Doug discusses how “being right” was a mask to hide his weaknesses.  Being known by others wasn’t possible because appearing right was more important.

Doug talks about ways to look introspectively to overcome addiction and character defects.  Learning to say “I don’t know” and “I was wrong” are gateways to healing.

Please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org for more information!

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Healing is a Process

Healing is a Process – NotUnknown.com  Keith B.

Throughout my life I believed that healing was instantaneous. I thought that when God felt like it, He waved His magic wand and healed people. Like the miracles Jesus and the disciples and prophets did in the Bible. I thought healing was like when the woman touched the garment of Jesus and was immediately healed. Her bleeding stopped. That was healing to me. That is healing sometimes…only I thought that was the only way healing occurred. My belief or unbelief in any other way of healing limited my view of God and his sovereignty and purpose.

Because I believed healing was only immediate, I didn’t have room in my life or beliefs for any other type of healing. I believed God worked but I didn’t equate that to His divine plan for healing. So, I made an assumption, one that would impact the rest of my life. I assumed I wasn’t worthy of healing.

Unworthy of healing didn’t become my mantra. It became a barrier separating me and God. Prayers became pleas. Seeking a lasting relationship became imploring and bargaining with God to just step up this one time and I would forever follow Him daily. When He didn’t, when I didn’t see instantaneous miraculous healing, I didn’t see Him at work at all. No magical change meant no God at work.

My belief in God didn’t change. I knew He was real. Evidence of His creation surrounded me. Examples of Him at work escaped me. I missed Him in the every day. He was only miraculous to me. God became a one note musician. His symphony went on without me.

Because I didn’t see Him in the every day, there had to be a reason He didn’t perform those Biblical magical acts of transformation in my life. I prayed hard enough for change. Baptism didn’t do it. Bible study and church attendance didn’t either. The problem had to be me. My hidden sin, my litany of violations of His commands and of my vows to my wife and family, had to be too much to qualify for healing. I had done too much wrong.

The Bible doesn’t say that. It says things like “all have sinned and fall short” and “if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us.” There is no “except for Keith” in there that I can find.

My wife discovered that I had contacted a previous affair partner after I promised I was in recovery. She warned me if I had acted out with anyone else, especially a friend of hers, we were done and I should just leave. I fully disclosed my complete sexual history, including acting out with that friend of hers, seven weeks later. I expected her to keep her promise and leave. She didn’t.

Our marriage continues to grow and heal gradually, not in the way I believed the only way for healing to occur. Healing for us and our marriage progresses slowly, a day at a time. My friend Corey told me that I didn’t see God at work in the small stuff, the daily stuff. He spoke truth. God works in all the stuff, big and small. In my life, in this moment, healing is a process.

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Confession

Confession – Keith B – NotUnknown.com

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” – 1 John 1:9

I confessed my sins in secret. I didn’t spend a lot of time on it and didn’t see the importance. 1 John states the results of confession – forgiveness and purification from unrighteousness. But what if we don’t confess our sins? What happens then?

My life was an example of unconfessed sin and incorporated shame. My exposure to pornography and an unwanted sexual experience at an early age warped my view of my value to God and my ability to confess sin. I didn’t believe that confession to God or to others was possible. I thought my sin was more, different, and unforgivable. Sin and temptation meant judgment, not confession or grace.

Unconfessed sin rotted me from the inside. I had no true compass. I developed two selfs, my inner self and my outer self. My outer self is who I wanted to be, who I wanted the world to see, who I wanted my wife to see. I believed that if she ever saw my inner self, she wouldn’t stay with me. So I didn’t allow that to happen. Confession remained unthinkable.

Confession isn’t something I entered of my own will. I was exposed. My unconfessed sin was found out. I had a choice – continue hiding my true self alone or confess. Confession for me came with no guarantees. I didn’t know if my marriage would survive.

Confession did transform me. I turned over my inner self to God, something I hadn’t done before. Confessing to him meant opening myself to others as well. I started with my counselor, then my accountability partners, then my wife. My choices caused great harm to so many. My confession gave them hope that I could give my life to God to redeem me.

Obedience to God’s command to confess my sins to Him and to others led to overt examples of His unending grace. My wife heard my confession. She was damaged by my sin. She had hope because of my confession. My obedience allowed her to see that I could be honest and transparent with her. My willingness to disclose and to validate with a polygraph examination allowed her to see that I had been honest with God and had confessed to Him, seeking forgiveness and grace.

Life today doesn’t look perfect. My wife and I have a relationship unlike any time in our twenty-eight years of marriage. We reveal our flaws and our struggles to each other. The damage I have caused her through my violation of her trust and our marriage vows hasn’t miraculously disappeared. We practice honesty, though. Daily. We confess to God and to each other. We confess our shortcomings and celebrate His grace.