CASTIMONIA

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Recovery Articles

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Why You Can’t Let Go Of That Narcissist

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/why-you-cant-let-go-of-that-narcissist/

I have lost count of the amount of times I have been asked by desperate clients why they cannot let go of an abuser and a narcissist. It seems that they have been injected by some form of drug that has formed an addiction and no amount of logic, common sense or realism will help them. They will go to all lengths to ensure that they remain in contact, however dysfunctional that may be for them. It is a hold that seemingly cannot be broken but truly has to be if recovery is to take place.

Clients who I have recently worked with cannot understand the hold these abusers have over them and of course, blame themselves for the fact that it happens. They really don’t understand how this could have happened to them. The breakup was quite likely traumatic and leaves an effect large enough to keep the victim hooked in. Hooked in is the key word and explains some of the process. This happens in the adulation stage. The initial attraction is often linked to some form of trauma or loss that lends the victim vulnerable to being  “helped”.

The power a narcissist has over his victim is all encompassing in the adulation stage and the “hooks” created can make even the most intelligent, rational person doubt their own sanity. It is the kind of brainwashing power that, when transported onto a larger stage, powers dictatorships, sects and ideologies, like the Nazi party and Communism. For the victim, it is the start of a process that will leave them emotionally destroyed when the narcissist targets the next victim and invariably discards them.

Narcissists are very choosy. They choose their victims carefully and their choice is usually based on such things as status, wealth, influence or ability. The victims are usually attractive and popular. The more of this the victim has, the greater the value of the supply for the narcissist. Narcissists are great observers at this stage. They place their victims on a pedestal and make sure that they get everything they need in the way of care, loving and attention. They idolise, worship them and make the victim feel that they have been waiting all their life for this person to appear. The victim might actually believe that the narcissist is in love with them, but this is infatuation. The relationship moves quickly based on the promises that the narcissist makes. The victim, being so wrapped up in all the attention coming their way, happily moves along with it, not believing their luck that this person is in their life. They have fallen for the illusion created by the narcissist and it leaves them totally unprepared for what is to follow.

The adulation stage is very powerful and seductive. It is like a drug and can be described as the  “honeymoon period” times three or four. There is an old saying which is especially relevant here and one that codependents might do well to remember. That is “You learn more about a person at the end of the relationship than at the beginning” . With a narcissist, this is especially true. The adulation stage (the beginning), is an illusion, a mask, that convinces the victim that they are with someone who is capable of empathy, compassion, understanding and love. The world is totally in order and all of their needs are being catered for. Maybe for the first time in their life, they feel totally appreciated. There is more fun, sex, and connection than they have ever known before. The problem is, as they will soon find out, it is not real and reality will bite them. 

The honeymoon period under normal circumstances is difficult to navigate when it ends. It is normally driven by hormones, biology, hope and expectation. It will end (as it should) and then reality sets in. This is not necessarily negative if the couple can cope with the changes and keep level-headed about it. However, with a narcissist, it is very difficult to accept the end of such a “great” beginning where fantasy has been built.

Most of this is to do with what we term “cognitive dissonance”. This is a psychological term for when you hold two or more conflicting beliefs, attitudes or behaviour at the same time. It makes you feel uncomfortable and so you alter your behaviour to try to restore the balance. However things aren’t that easy when you’ve been involved with a narcissist. Their entire existence is fabricated around dissonance. They say one thing, do another. And so you can’t restore the balance. You loved them but now you hate what they did to you. You trusted them but know you can’t believe a word they say.

The truth that you must understand is:

It is an illusion that anyone or anything outside of you has power over you – the only reason they can have power over you is because you have unhealed parts that are allowing it.

This is the truth. Your pain and your mind attachment to the narcissist is energised and pounding because you haven’t realised that your healing is about you. It is not about the narcissist and that is the very reason you were attracted to them in the first place. The deeper parts of you that needed healing presented themselves fully to the narcissist and they took full advantage, promising you (or so you assumed) that they would finally heal you.

How can the narcissist be shut out? Firstly, understand that no-contact is essential, however painful. Close every door and don’t allow them to leave anything behind which might mean they can contact you later. Block social media (including their family and friends) and start the necessary work of healing the deeper parts of you. Realise that the narcissist is a symptom of this and not the cause and they were not the answer to your dreams but actually your worst nightmare!

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Prison Letters

Originally posted at: http://www.theresstillhope.org

A man in prison ministry told me an alarming story at a recent conference. For Mother’s Day, he offered Mother’s Day cards to each of the inmates, which they could use to send a note to their mothers. About 700 inmates did so.

For Father’s Day, just one month later, he made the same offer. He provided Father’s Day cards for each inmate. But only 90 of the men wrote a card to their fathers.

Why? Because most of the men didn’t have a father in their lives.

Guys, the life you live before your sons and daughters will leave an indelible mark on the next generation. I offer three suggestions.

  • Be sober.
  • Be kind. 
  • Be there.

Recovery Step: God told the prophet, “I will be a father to him, and he will be a son to me” (2 Samuel 7:14). Men, be a father to your kids. Better still, be a sober father to your kids.

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Daddy, How Much Do You Make An Hour? A Short Story on Family Priorities

Originally posted at: https://movemequotes.com/story-on-family-priorities/

Excerpt: A boy asks his dad a simple question that puts family time in perspective. A beautiful story on family priorities to open your eyes.

SON: “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”
DAD: “Yeah sure, what is it?”
SON: “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?”  
SON: “I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “If you must know, I make $100 an hour.”
SON: “Oh!” (With his head down).
SON: “Daddy, may I please borrow $50?”

The father was furious.

DAD: “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.

DAD: “Are you asleep, son?”

SON: “No daddy, I’m awake.”
DAD: “I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the $50 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.

SON: “Oh, thank you daddy!”

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

DAD: “Why do you want more money if you already have some?”

SON: “Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do.”

“Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.”

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.

It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life.

We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us – those close to our hearts.

Do you remember to share that $100 worth of your time with the people you love?

If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.

But the family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

Some things are more important.

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Pardon Me

Originally posted at: http://www.theresstillhope.org

If your husband or wife has been unfaithful; if they have been caught in a web of addiction, you have a decision to make. Stay or leave? Your spouse’s infidelity has opened the door for you to pick Door #1 or Door #2 with a clear conscience. No one can fault you if you decide to leave.

But before you leave, consider the testimony of one woman who was betrayed by her husband. While he demonstrated remorse, completed a clinical Disclosure, passed a polygraph, and began the long journey of recovery, none of this erased the pain. His wife had every right to leave. 

But she decided to stay in the marriage. “Why don’t you leave him?” she was asked.

Her response: “I’d rather start over with someone I love than with someone I don’t know.”

The Scripture says that God “will abundantly pardon” (Isaiah 55:7). The offended spouse is under no obligation to pardon her adulterous husband. But sometimes she does offer a full pardon, starting over with someone she loves, rather than with someone she doesn’t know.

Recovery Step: If your spouse has been unfaithful, carefully and prayerfully consider your next move.

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Don’t Underestimate The Power Of Language: It Shapes Our World

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/dont-underestimate-the-power-of-language-it-shapes-our-world/

Many of us will enjoy reading a good book, writing a blogpost or listening to a good story. These activities build our imagination and keep our mind active. However, the most important aspect of communication is speaking. It is our chosen method of expressing ourselves and communicating and language is the fuel that drives this process. Language is powerful and its impact depends entirely on how we wield this power. It has been used across centuries for good and evil. Language sometimes means more to us when spoken by a specific person or group.

Language has become an integral part of our daily lives and most of the time is used as habit on a subconscious level. We treat language lightly and how we use it is often shaped by our social surroundings and obligations. Language can be used for manipulation, vagueness, assertion, love and many more aspects of our lives. We can choose to withdraw language and expression or we can choose to attack with it. If we were really conscious of how we use it and the role it plays in our lives, we could possibly make more conscious, informed decisions and shape our reality even more.

For me, the most powerful aspect of language is how we use it to talk to ourselves. This area of our lives can be decisive in how we see the world and our place in it. This goes back to our early days of our lives and language acquisition and yes, you guessed it, the influence of our caregivers.

We need to realise the power of  “I” and how that consolidates our blueprint. “I” is a very important word. When you say, “I am” the words that follow speak volumes – to yourself and others – about how you define yourself.

“I have, I choose, I love, I enjoy, I can, I will” are also words of strong intent. When we feel powerful we naturally employ these kinds of “I” statements. When we feel less powerful or fear that our words will cause conflict we tend to make our language less powerful, either by avoiding “I” by saying “I don’t know” or “I am not sure” or by following “I” with other ambivalent, unclear statements.

“I think I can” for example, doesn’t have much power compared with “I know I can” or “I can” or “I will”. Neither does “I guess so” – a red flag to your listener that even if you agree to something, your heart will not be in it. “I can’t” is a strong statement of victimization, implying that circumstances are outside of your control, and you have no power to change them.

Imagine the effect when we start to using such language against ourselves. Our self-talk is a major aspect of our thinking and while the ability to think things through is essential, we often sabotage ourselves with the words we employ. They keep us in relationships, help us to avoid and stop us moving forward. I have documented this in posts about the Inner Dictator. It is important that this concept is recognised and countered. It is at the heart of our avoidance and protective mindset we use to deal with our fears. Fears that have been with us since childhood.

As we grow and develop, we create relational frameworks around the people and objects around us. This is consolidated by language that we learn and acquire as children and this language goes on to form our blueprint of the world. Part of the process of acquiring language apart from formal learning is picking up words and phrases from caregivers. When those words are aimed at us in the form of shame based parenting or abuse or when language used is not clear or too complex, it can deeply affect the way we see ourselves. It can go towards forming a negative mindset that is unable to see past avoidance. This leads to what is classed as cognitive fusion, where thoughts are automatically turned towards avoidance as a default way of dealing with issues and it produces the language to consolidate it. We can practice cognitive defusion with the following exercise which calls for us to be in the present, conscious moment:

  • The first step is to recognise when and how you are engaging in negative self-talk and the language that consolidates it. This is often automatic and part of the way we communicate and see ourselves. Whenever this happens, try to be conscious of the words you use, when and how you engage in negative self-talk and how it makes you feel and behave. Are there phrases and words that frequently come up? What is the tone of your self-talk? Is it cold, angry or critical? Does the voice remind you of anyone you encountered in the past? Did they use the same words and tone?
  • With this awareness, make an effort to soften your voice and use more compassionate words and phrases with yourself. If you are dealing with a relationship issue, ask yourself if you really want to handle this, this way or what will be the consequences of saying what you are about to say.
  • Take the time to reframe your language in a more positive, compassionate way. An example of this might be if you were going for a job interview where you might say: “You are nowhere near good enough to get this, why try?” could be turned into “While I might be anxious about the interview, I have prepared well and I will give it my best shot. That is all I can do”. This can be consolidated by physical touch like stroking your arm.
  • Keep a journal to consolidate the above. The above exercise should be done over several weeks and will eventually form the blueprint for changing how you relate to yourself long-term and introduce new, healthier language. Some people find it useful to work on their self-talk by writing in a journal. Others are more comfortable doing it via internal dialogues. If you are someone who likes to write things down and revisit them later, journaling can be an excellent tool for transformation. If you are someone who never manages to be consistent with a journal, then do whatever works for you. You can speak aloud to yourself, or think silently.