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Obsessed With That Certain Someone? Look To Developmental Issues

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/obsessed-with-that-certain-someone-look-to-developmental-issues/

It’s is very often that I come across clients who are obsessed with someone. The level of obsession is so high that it often means that normal life cannot carry on without some form of validation. This obsession is often aimed at people who are either unavailable or pulling away, making the process harder. Sometimes, it is very difficult to see why the obsession exists if you look at the two people concerned who seem to have very little in common.

In the case of an obsession with a therapist, one can understand it to a certain extent. Therapy is a safe space and the therapist holds this for people who have perhaps never had that before. It is the job of the therapist to keep the boundaries in place to ensure that it remains a safe space. This isn’t always done and can be very damaging for a client when it finally happens that boundaries are set. It could (or should) be the end of therapy or a referral at that point. Something an obsessed client will find hard to take.

I have been offering online therapy for over 10 years. During that time, I have built up a speciality in many areas of psychology and helped many clients move forward. Contact me for a free consultation. I engage fully with my clients to ensure the best possible chance of recovery. I firmly believe that awareness is important but action is the decisive element of recovery. I accompany my clients along that road not only by offering sessions focusing on their issues but as a resource between sessions too. 

Therapy aside, many people get obsessed with others that they have been in or want to be in a relationship with and it can be debilitating. Work suffers, relationships suffer as obsessive thinking and the need to have contact or have this person in their lives plays out. It is almost an addiction.

Any obsession can be similar to the concept described by the Addiction Cycle. The cycle builds up the need (thinking), it builds up further (obsession) and a need has to be exercised (contact). This needs to be broken for someone to move on. Either contact has to be cut completely (which is often the best option) or the thinking has to be controlled by countering the thoughts that drive towards obsession. This is a very difficult stage for the obsessed who cannot imagine not having this person in their life (sometimes after they are long gone and ignoring them, which fuels feelings of abandonment).

The other deeper area where the issue could lie is due to developmental issues. Children naturally seek closeness to their parents and if that is rejected or neglected, the child reacts and craves contact. My thinking about this is as follows: “Is there an era in child development when it is normal to feel this?” An obsession with another person brings to mind two times in life where this might happen.

The first is quite early at three or four. At that point we have enough language and cognition to hold images of primary caregivers we need and love plus the language to go with it. When that person or people are absent constantly, a child can think of nothing but them, feels sadness and desperation. The second is in early adolescence when girls, especially, have “crushes” on adults. There is a similar quality to this, the need to be close, the yearning, to emulate and be loved.

Extreme obsession could also be due to Obsessive Love Disorder (OLD) where high level feelings of attraction and protection lead to obsessive thoughts that someone in authority is in love with the person obsessed.

Symptoms of OLD may include:

  • an overwhelming attraction to one person
  • obsessive thoughts about the person
  • feeling the need to “protect” the person you’re in love with
  • possessive thoughts and actions
  • extreme jealousy over other interpersonal interactions
  • low self-esteem

People who have OLD may also not take rejection easily. In some cases, the symptoms could worsen at the end of a relationship or if the other person rejects. There are other signs of this disorder, such as:

  • repeated texts, emails, and phone calls to the person they’re interested in
  • a constant need for reassurance
  • difficulty having friendships or maintaining contact with family members because of the obsession over one person
  • monitoring the actions of the other person
  • controlling where the other person goes and the activities they engage in (Source: Healthline)

The causes of Obsessive Love Disorder lie in attachment issues with parents, BPD or what is known as Delusional Jealousy where the obsessed cannot accept someone could reject them and refuse to believe that feelings aren’t being reciprocated. This is often consolidated by Relationship OCD (not an official disorder) where control is sought over a partner and relationships are very rigidly played out.

While OLD is seen as rare, it is getting more attention but is not recognized as yet as an official disorder by the DSM due to it overlapping with other mental health disabilities. A diagnosis is made by a mental health professional but advisable is to see a medical doctor too to rule out any medical issues.

Treatment is often on two fronts, medication and talk therapy. Sufferers are encouraged to form a protective wall of no contact around the person while they work on deeper issues.

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Off By One Degree

Originally posted at: http://www.theresstillhope.org

If you aim at something, but are off by just one degree, will it really matter? Actually, yes.

If you are off by just one degree over the course of a mile, you will miss your target by 92 feet. If you were to fly from New York to Los Angeles, and be off by just one degree, you’d miss your target by 50 miles. 

Many of us treat recovery like hand grenades and dancing – close is good enough. 

But is close good enough? That would be a firm “NO!”

Yes, it’s about progress, not perfection. But never give yourself permission to view porn, masturbate, sext, or visit sexually provocative websites. To be off by just one degree would be comparable to a quick slip. No big deal, unless that slip is off the side of a mountain.

Recovery Step: “Let him who sins sin no more” (John 8:7).

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Why You Can’t Let Go Of That Narcissist

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/why-you-cant-let-go-of-that-narcissist/

I have lost count of the amount of times I have been asked by desperate clients why they cannot let go of an abuser and a narcissist. It seems that they have been injected by some form of drug that has formed an addiction and no amount of logic, common sense or realism will help them. They will go to all lengths to ensure that they remain in contact, however dysfunctional that may be for them. It is a hold that seemingly cannot be broken but truly has to be if recovery is to take place.

Clients who I have recently worked with cannot understand the hold these abusers have over them and of course, blame themselves for the fact that it happens. They really don’t understand how this could have happened to them. The breakup was quite likely traumatic and leaves an effect large enough to keep the victim hooked in. Hooked in is the key word and explains some of the process. This happens in the adulation stage. The initial attraction is often linked to some form of trauma or loss that lends the victim vulnerable to being  “helped”.

The power a narcissist has over his victim is all encompassing in the adulation stage and the “hooks” created can make even the most intelligent, rational person doubt their own sanity. It is the kind of brainwashing power that, when transported onto a larger stage, powers dictatorships, sects and ideologies, like the Nazi party and Communism. For the victim, it is the start of a process that will leave them emotionally destroyed when the narcissist targets the next victim and invariably discards them.

Narcissists are very choosy. They choose their victims carefully and their choice is usually based on such things as status, wealth, influence or ability. The victims are usually attractive and popular. The more of this the victim has, the greater the value of the supply for the narcissist. Narcissists are great observers at this stage. They place their victims on a pedestal and make sure that they get everything they need in the way of care, loving and attention. They idolise, worship them and make the victim feel that they have been waiting all their life for this person to appear. The victim might actually believe that the narcissist is in love with them, but this is infatuation. The relationship moves quickly based on the promises that the narcissist makes. The victim, being so wrapped up in all the attention coming their way, happily moves along with it, not believing their luck that this person is in their life. They have fallen for the illusion created by the narcissist and it leaves them totally unprepared for what is to follow.

The adulation stage is very powerful and seductive. It is like a drug and can be described as the  “honeymoon period” times three or four. There is an old saying which is especially relevant here and one that codependents might do well to remember. That is “You learn more about a person at the end of the relationship than at the beginning” . With a narcissist, this is especially true. The adulation stage (the beginning), is an illusion, a mask, that convinces the victim that they are with someone who is capable of empathy, compassion, understanding and love. The world is totally in order and all of their needs are being catered for. Maybe for the first time in their life, they feel totally appreciated. There is more fun, sex, and connection than they have ever known before. The problem is, as they will soon find out, it is not real and reality will bite them. 

The honeymoon period under normal circumstances is difficult to navigate when it ends. It is normally driven by hormones, biology, hope and expectation. It will end (as it should) and then reality sets in. This is not necessarily negative if the couple can cope with the changes and keep level-headed about it. However, with a narcissist, it is very difficult to accept the end of such a “great” beginning where fantasy has been built.

Most of this is to do with what we term “cognitive dissonance”. This is a psychological term for when you hold two or more conflicting beliefs, attitudes or behaviour at the same time. It makes you feel uncomfortable and so you alter your behaviour to try to restore the balance. However things aren’t that easy when you’ve been involved with a narcissist. Their entire existence is fabricated around dissonance. They say one thing, do another. And so you can’t restore the balance. You loved them but now you hate what they did to you. You trusted them but know you can’t believe a word they say.

The truth that you must understand is:

It is an illusion that anyone or anything outside of you has power over you – the only reason they can have power over you is because you have unhealed parts that are allowing it.

This is the truth. Your pain and your mind attachment to the narcissist is energised and pounding because you haven’t realised that your healing is about you. It is not about the narcissist and that is the very reason you were attracted to them in the first place. The deeper parts of you that needed healing presented themselves fully to the narcissist and they took full advantage, promising you (or so you assumed) that they would finally heal you.

How can the narcissist be shut out? Firstly, understand that no-contact is essential, however painful. Close every door and don’t allow them to leave anything behind which might mean they can contact you later. Block social media (including their family and friends) and start the necessary work of healing the deeper parts of you. Realise that the narcissist is a symptom of this and not the cause and they were not the answer to your dreams but actually your worst nightmare!

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Prison Letters

Originally posted at: http://www.theresstillhope.org

A man in prison ministry told me an alarming story at a recent conference. For Mother’s Day, he offered Mother’s Day cards to each of the inmates, which they could use to send a note to their mothers. About 700 inmates did so.

For Father’s Day, just one month later, he made the same offer. He provided Father’s Day cards for each inmate. But only 90 of the men wrote a card to their fathers.

Why? Because most of the men didn’t have a father in their lives.

Guys, the life you live before your sons and daughters will leave an indelible mark on the next generation. I offer three suggestions.

  • Be sober.
  • Be kind. 
  • Be there.

Recovery Step: God told the prophet, “I will be a father to him, and he will be a son to me” (2 Samuel 7:14). Men, be a father to your kids. Better still, be a sober father to your kids.