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CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Affairs

January 13, 2016 By Castimonia

Entertainment Entitlement

by Arden Compton

As I visit with people dealing with sexual addictions, a common element is that they often get into trouble when they are seeking entertainment.  I have heard many accounts of people who were doing well, and then relapsed when they were online seeking entertainment, and then they saw something that lead them from one site to another until they found themselves engaging in pornography again. And then they wondered what happened. “How did I mess up?”

There seems to be a expectation in our culture that we are entitled to entertainment. Even when a person recognizes pornography shouldn’t be a part of his life, he still spends too much  time seeking to be entertained. This can be like a recovering alcoholic hanging out with his old friends in front of a bar. That just puts him way to close to the problem. If he spends time hanging out in front of the bar, the probability of eventually going in the bar and having a drink are significantly greater than if he were at home or engaged in a safe activity.

We are not entitled to entertainment. We don’t have to be constantly  entertained. That seems to be what many people think. When we can change our focus from seeking entertainment to being a purpose driven person, we are much less likely to engage in pornography. Instead of looking for something “fun”, ask yourself a question like, “What is the best thing for me to be doing right now?” or “What can I do to serve someone else right now?” or “What do I need to do to make this the best day ever?” “What can I do to move me closer to my goals and accomplish my greater life purpose?”  As you ponder these questions, and follow your inspiration, you won’t waste time seeking mindless entertainment.

The other day I was driving my kids to school, and m 15 year old daughter said, “Today is the only day that will ever be April 10, 2014. This day will never be on the calendar again. Let’s make it a great day.” I was surprised at her insight, she is exactly right. The moments of today will never come again, how will you spend them? Will your actions today make a difference in the life of someone else? Are you going to take advantage of opportunities to improve yourself and make the world a better place? Are you going to use your time the way you would if Christ was walking beside you? Or are you going to waste time seeking mindless entertainment that does nothing to help you live your life purpose? It can be a day that you will look back on with gratitude and a smile on your face, or it can be a day you look back on with shame and regret. It can be a day where you took action to make something happen, or it can be a day where you wonder what happened.

There is a time and a place for entertainment. But in my opinion, healthy entertainment will involve other people and  bring us closer to them. It will strengthen relationships, rather than weaken them.  Think about that the next time you start to surf the internet.   Have a great day!

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, Bored, Boredom, castimonia, christian, Entertain, Entertainment, Entitlement, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addiction, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity

January 10, 2016 By Castimonia

Desire Your Spouse

Spiritual intimacy during sex ultimately depends on that desire to be united with your spouse. And that desire is fed throughout the day–by concentrating on what you love about [her], by thinking about [her], by flirting and playing with [her], by saying positive things about [her] to others. It isn’t something that “just happens”. It’s something that is the culmination of a relationship that you already have. I truly believe that for many couples this is THE major roadblock to sex being everything it can be. Many of us push sex out of the way because it seems like a chore, but what we’re really doing, then, is denying ourselves one of the most powerful tools we have to feel truly connected and accepted by another individual. Concentrate on what you love about each other. Pray together. Memorize each others’ bodies. Say I love you. Look into each others’ eyes. Truly be joined. There really is nothing else like it.

From a post at http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-27-experiencing-spiritual-intimacy-while-you-make-love/

We waste time
looking for the perfect lover,
instead of creating the perfect love.
Tom Robbins

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, christian, Emotions, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, spouses, trauma

January 7, 2016 By Castimonia

Psychopathy and Recovery

by applyingmybeliefs

In life there are individuals who are psychopaths, people who are different.  These people lack remorse and empathy and feel emotion only shallowly. In extreme cases, they might not care whether you live or die.  Fortunately they don’t represent a big part of our population.

It is also true that most people have some of the characteristics of psychopaths (see list below) and now we have a crude measurement that can used to assess whether a person is a serious psychopath or not.

Recovery groups of all kinds typically have an over-representation of this type of person.  This makes an understanding of psychopathy relevant to recovery group leaders.  Christian recovery is no different on this issue than secular recovery, where we differ is in our trust of God to help the individual remove these character defects from their life.

Here is the test and list developed by Professor Robert Hare, Emeritus Professor of Psychology, University of British Columbia.  It is a little subjective, but here is how to use it:

Give a person a score of zero (does not have characteristic), one (has partial trait) or two (definitely shows attribute) for each of the following twenty character traits.

    1. Glibness and superficial charm
    2. Grandiose sense of self-worth
    3. Pathological lying
    4. Cunning/manipulative
    5. Lack of remorse
    6. Emotional shallowness
    7. Callousness and lack of empathy
    8. Unwillingness to accept responsibility for actions
    9. A tendency to boredom,
    10. A parasitic lifestyle
    11. A lack of realistic long-term goals
    12. Impulsivity
    13. Irresponsibility
    14. Lack of behavioral control
    15. Behavioral problems in early life
    16. Juvenile delinquency
    17. Criminal versatility
    18. A history of “revocation of conditional release” (i.e. broken parole)
    19. Multiple marriages
    20. Promiscuous sexual behavior

According to Professor Hare, a score of 30 or more qualifies for a diagnosis of psychopathy, a score of 35 or higher qualifies as seriously ill and a score of or close to 40 can be expected to be dangerous.

Don’t do a self-assessment!  This issue in someone’s life is best dealt with by a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist.  But do understand that these traits characterize some people and it helps us as facilitators, mentors or sponsors to know them, for the purpose of suggesting that an individual might benefit from one-on-one therapy as well as group attendance.

A true psychopath is highly unlikely to voluntarily join a recovery group because they like the way they live life, making change unattractive to them.  However if they do, and they receive the message with genuine acceptance, they can make some serious progress.  If they join a Christ-centered recovery group they can make serious progress and have God working with them!

God says this in His word:

Phil 2:12-13 – Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

And this promise applies to psychopaths as well as the rest of us!

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, Psycho, Psychopath, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, spouses, trauma

January 4, 2016 By Castimonia

Be Mentally Present

This is a tough one for some people, but don’t let your mind wander. Sometimes our minds wander because we’re multi-taskers, and we start creating shopping lists in our heads. But I’m not just talking about that. Other times we let our minds wander in order to get aroused. We fantasize. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with remembering something wonderful that you did together that was stupendous, or imaging being on a beach, or whatever it may be for you. But to fantasize about someone who isn’t your husband (wife/partner), or to bring up pornographic images to get aroused, isn’t right. And it hinders your ability to really bond with your spouse. Guys often struggle with this, too, especially guys who have used porn. Images often come into their heads. If either of you is short-cutting the arousal cycle by pulling up pornographic images, ask God (Higher Power) to help you stop, and then practice just being present. Think about your body. Think about your spouse. Trace your fingers along your spouse’s body. Think specifically about what is feeling good and what you love about your spouse, and say some of these things out loud. Keep your mind focused on the here and now, and you’ll find it a much more intimate, and intense, experience. http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-27-experiencing-spiritual-intimacy-while-you-make-love/

The greatest loss of time is delay and expectation,
which depend upon the future.
We let go the present, which we have in our power,
and look forward to that which depends upon chance,
and so relinquish a certainty for an uncertainty.
Seneca

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, spouses

January 1, 2016 By Castimonia

Jacob – Defective Inheritor

by applyingmybeliefs

Gen 49:1-2 – Then Jacob called his sons and said, “Gather yourselves together, that I may tell you what shall happen to you in days to come.  Assemble and listen, O sons of Jacob, listen to Israel your father.”  ESV

There is so much material on Jacob in the Bible, that we can make a really good assessment of his character.  He was deceitful, shrewd in business, fearful, compulsively lustful, angry, self-centered, argumentative and more.  He was a very flawed individual and yet God chose him to bring forth the twelve tribes of Israel from whom sprang the beginning of the fulfillment of the Abrahamic Covenant (Gen 12:1-3) and ultimately the Messiah, Jesus.  It is easy to wonder why God would choose such an imperfect character to be the seed of the promise.

In our focus verses we see Jacob on his death bed about to bless every one of his sons.  (Gen 49:1-33)  Here we see a man that has changed.  He is no longer the disobedient trickster of his youth and early manhood.  He has matured to the point where God has trusted him with prophetic words for his sons.  He has ceased to walk in his own ways and is walking in God’s ways.

For us in Christian recovery Jacob personifies hope and the never ending pursuit that God has for our hearts.  Hope because he was like the worst of us, lying, thieving, murdering, sexually immoral, envious and highly dysfunctional, and yet he was able to overcome all of these things to become a godly man.  Pursuit because God took him and transformed him day by day into the man God designed and planned for.  What is true about Jacob is true for us.  God will work with us to develop godly character, and will pursue us until the day we die in His quest to fulfill His plans for us.

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, christian, Emotions, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, spouses, trauma

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Castimonia Restoration Ministry, Inc. is a 501c3 non-profit organization


This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

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