Young Men, Sex, and Urge Ownership (And Why It’s Not The Girl’s Problem)

Posted: May 28, 2016 by Castimonia in Sexual Purity Posts
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Originally posted at:

by John Pavlovitz

Young men, I need to tell you something; something that maybe your fathers, or your coaches, or your uncles, or your buddies never told you, but something that you really need to hear.

Your sex drive? It’s your problem.

I know you’ve been led to believe that it’s the girl’s fault; the way she dresses, the shape of her body, her flirtatious nature, her mixed messages.

I know you’ve grown-up reading and hearing that since guys are really “visual”, that the ladies need to manage all of that by covering-up and keeping it hidden; that they need to drive this whole physical relationship deal, because we’re not capable.

That’s a load of crap.

You and me, we are visual.
We do love the shape of women’s bodies.
We are tempted and aroused by their physicality.

And all of that, is on us, not on them.

You see, we actually live in our bodies.
We direct the limbs and the words.
We choose what we grab, and touch, and rub-up against.

Our bodies ultimately do, only what our brains tell them to do.

Men, this is not a sex issue. It’s a brain issue.

This is about what we’ll choose to cultivate in our heads, and what we’ll choose to do with our hands as a result.

If I’m in a grocery store, and a woman’s standing next to me with a wide-open bag, filled with money; bills practically spilling-out onto the floor, is it OK to reach out and take any of it?

If I’m a man of integrity, and decency, and restraint; of course it isn’t.

The “visual” of that money will certainly be tempting, and I’ll probably instinctively run down the road in my mind about what I’d like to do with that much cash. Does it mean that it’s mine for the grabbing?

No. Why not?

Because the money’s valuable… and it doesn’t belong to me.

Would it ever be acceptable to rationalize, that because the woman is so careless and reckless with her own money, (money that I find enticing), that I’m somehow justified to take it?


Because the money’s valuable… and it doesn’t belong to me.

Guys, the girls you date, the ones in your class, the ones you meet on social media, the ones you pass on the street, the ones you hook-up with at parties: they’re priceless… and they don’t belong to you.

Sometimes, doing what’s right toward someone, even needs to transcend their attitude about themselves. If a girl you know shows too much, advertises too much, and offers too much, it doesn’t mean you can take too much, because it’s about the value you assign to her, and to yourself.

At the end of the day, young men, this is a matter of ownership.

You don’t now, and never will own her, and so any part of your actions that break the plane of her body, aren’t your jurisdiction, they’re hers.

The only thing you own; the only thing you’ll ever own, are your choices. 

That’s why it’s called self-control.

That’s an old-school idea, and it isn’t particularly “sexy”.
It’s not typical hip-hop song fodder.
It’s not something you’ll brag about in the locker room, and it won’t make a good multiplex movie.

It also the place where we move from being men in theory, to men in practice.

I’m sorry to have to break this news to you, as I know it’s probably difficult to hear.
It will certainly make life much more challenging, and you’ll probably have to make some changes as a result.
I also know that these words could alter your relationships now, and preserve your marriages someday.
They can protect women from damage, and nurture your character.

Control yourselves, men.
Be responsible for your responses.
Own your urges.

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