CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Recovery Articles

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Irrevocable

Originally posted at: http://www.theresstillhope.org

If you don’t hear anything else today, hear this – your addiction has not moved you beyond the reach and blessing of God. There is nothing you can do to invalidate God’s capacity to use you in a profound way.

Paul was unequivocal: “God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable” (Romans 11:29).

“He [Jesus] told the man who had been demon-possessed, ‘Return home and tell how much God has done for you.’ So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him” (Luke 8:39).

Reflecting on this passage, Tracie Miles writes, “The man’s story became a testimony when he was willing to share it with others. How many people believed in Jesus and are now spending eternity with him simply because this former demon-possessed man willingly allowed his terrible past to become a story of redemption and purpose?”

Recovery Step: Allow God to turn your setback into a set-up for something spectacular.

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Rethinking Relationships: Embracing Individuality

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/rethinking-relationships-embracing-individuality/

We have relationships all wrong. That’s not our fault entirely as our view often comes from parents and society in general who tell us the way things should go. The somewhat old fashioned way of meeting the “one”, spending your life together, having children and slowly plodding towards retirement, is now largely assigned to history. Still, that view still acts as a benchmark for a lot of people. Today, we have more emphasis on other types of relationship and with that, new challenges to face. Yet, some things never really change.

Commentators on relationships (including therapists) often get hung up on what we might need from our partner in a relationship. What needs do we wish to have met? What do we need from them when conflict inevitably comes? Are they on the same page as us? While these questions are important and in some way, need to be answered, they are only part of the story. What’s becoming clear is that these questions can be adapted to show more individuality. What needs can I meet myself? What is going on inside of me when conflict happens? Am I capable of being on the same page as this person? These questions will be answered by referring to our personal and relationship values and they should be different. 

The quantity ( and quality) of advice available regarding the characteristics of a successful relationship is insurmountable. The opinions of individuals will vary depending on their personal experiences and relationships. We establish a distinct dynamic with each individual we choose to pursue, but certain aspects remain consistent and transfer from one relationship to another. This encompasses our perpetual capacity to submerge ourselves and, in effect, relinquish our identity in favour of the “one.”

We are not even discussing codependency, which, as we are all aware, is a complex situation in and of itself. Codependents will inadvertently disregard their own interests and conform to their partner’s expectations. This pursuit of control for their own security typically results in a relationship with emotionally and physically distant, abusive, and manipulative individuals who have their own agenda. Codependents perceive this as a challenge, mistakenly believing that they will be successful if they can “fix” this individual. It is never functional.

The majority of us will become captivated by a new partner during the hormone-driven early phases of a relationship. This is the typical process of attraction, during which inhibitions are removed and the chemical composition of our brains is altered. We have all encountered the sensation that our world appears significantly more favorable than it did before our encounter with this new individual. Nevertheless, as we are all aware, the honeymoon period will inevitably conclude, and we will be left to confront the genuine individual. This does not necessarily have to be detrimental; however, it will be distinct and necessitate modification in order for the partnership to progress. This is the phase of reflection during which we determine whether to remain (and the steps necessary to achieve that) or depart.

This is a challenging period for a newly formed couple, and the solution is not as straightforward as we might wish. The conventional honeymoon phase is highly addictive, and we are inclined to prolong it, even as we lament its conclusion. The “real” person emerges, and we are abruptly confronted with routine, devoid of any surprises. In the face of these circumstances, how does one maintain a relationship? It necessitates diligent effort and frequent dialogue to find the most effective course of action (if any). Some individuals at this stage will attempt to replicate the honeymoon phase with others in order to preserve this euphoric sensation. The majority of individuals will transition to the next phase and promptly adjust to new circumstances, despite their lack of preparation.

I believe that one of the most significant factors in any successful relationship is the actions we take during our time together, as well as the actions we take when we are not with them. Society and tradition dictate that we must devote ourselves entirely to our companion; yet, this is not sustainable. It is imperative that we preserve something for ourselves. This is the perspective that I prefer: View your relationship as a series of three circles. There are three circles in a relationship: one for you, where you spend quality time with yourself or companions, pursuing your individuality, one for your partner, who does the same, and a third circle for the shared experience of quality time.

While it is true that individuality is crucial in a relationship, many of us sacrifice it to enter the other person’s orbit. While initiating a relationship, I have encountered individuals who relinquish all of their personal values and adopt the behaviors of their new partner. In a recent article, I stated that the sole inquiry that should be asked during initial encounters is, “What do you do for yourself, and how do you work on yourself?”

The concept of self-discovery is often challenging when we are taught and conditioned to believe that the rewards of a relationship will be obtained through our sacrifice and denial of this. It is a process that we must adhere to, and it often entails gaining insight into our thoughts and emotions, altering our habits and behaviors, and establishing personal values. A logical inquiry to start this process is: “What have I been denying myself?” Certainly, this inquiry can be addressed in a variety of ways; yet, it is most effective when it serves as the beginning of a dialogue with oneself about the sacrifices made to satisfy or govern oneself. It is crucial to emphasise that this individual focus is beneficial and is not linked to selfishness or narcissism. Stephen Covey often stated that an ideal relationship is formed by two individuals who are well-balanced and create a unique space for the relationship while maintaining their personal objectives and aspirations. I wholeheartedly concur with this.

At its core, rethinking relationships means embracing the beauty of individuality—both our own and that of our partners. True connection doesn’t come from losing ourselves in another person but from standing confidently beside them, growing independently while sharing our journey. By fostering self-awareness, open communication, and mutual respect, we create relationships that thrive not on dependence, but on appreciation. The healthiest love is one that allows us to be fully ourselves while celebrating the uniqueness of those we choose to share our lives with.

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NEW STEP GROUP – Starting THIS SATURDAY – May 3rd

Our founder, Jorge, will be leading his seventh step study group starting in May.

The group lasts for about 12 to 18 months and you will go through all the steps including the pre-step and post-step work in the Castimonia book. 

They will meet every week on Saturday mornings from 8:00am to 9:55am before the 10am Saturday Castimonia meeting in Katy. There is no cost to join the group but you must purchase a copy of the Castimonia book, 2nd edition.  Out of town guests will be able to use Zoom to join the group if they cannot attend in person. Houston-area members will need to attend in person.

This group takes a strong, long term commitment and is great for those ready to work the steps and have the Lord change their lives.

Please have any interested individuals contact Jorge at jorge@castimonia.org.

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Know the Signs

Originally posted at: http://www.theresstillhope.org

A relapse can come at any time, usually because you don’t recognize the warning signs. Remember, a relapse is a process more than an event. It is imperative to recognize the signs, which include:

  • Returning to addictive thinking patterns
  • Engaging in compulsive, self-defeating behaviors
  • Seeking out situations involving people who are addicts
  • Thinking less rationally and behaving less responsibly
  • Finding yourself in compromised situations

You need to recognize the warning signs of relapse. And when you see them, respond accordingly. And if you do have a slip, know how to respond to that.

Recovery Step: Make the words of the Old Testament prophet your words today. Micah said, “Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me” (Micah 7:8).

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Are We Incompatible? Can You Really Love Someone So Different To You?

originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/are-we-incompatible-can-you-really-love-someone-so-different-to-you/

Where does It All Start?

I have always held the opinion that by default, we are all largely incompatible with anyone we may wish to have a romantic relationship with. We are all individuals, formed from different experiences and we often judge our compatibility on how we see our new partner in the early stages of a relationship. In this phase, our incompatibility is hidden by our need to connect and is driven chiefly by hormones (sometimes repetition compulsion) and brain chemical, not common sense. We are all products of our childhood environment and as such, our views and indeed, the way our brains have developed are as individual as we are.

When you add other obvious differences, you may think that no-one could ever successfully pair with anyone else. These factors could be age differences, different cultures and nationalities, different religions and that’s before you get into other issues like different viewpoints, lifestyles, priorities, life plans and general experiences. This is often borne out in couples therapy when the differences can be easily seen. Living together is generally not easy and many couples tend to disagree on things that lead to much more intense conflict later on. These things might seem small by some standards. Cleaning, shopping, tidying up, walking the dog, general organising of household activities can all cause major problems depending on the differences that exist and the attitude applied. 

There is an old saying in couples therapy that the very thing that attracted you to a person in the first place is the thing that’s becomes threatening later on and partners will often try to change that element of someone. For example, someone who is not very adventurous might be attracted to someone who is more so. Later, this adventurous side becomes a threat and an attempt is made to change that part of someone to be more inline. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, says that we often go through the Three Projects when this is the case. Firstly, we try to change the parts of our partner that threaten us through control and sometimes ultimatum and manipulation. When that doesn’t work, we suppress the parts of us that want this change and then ultimately, we look outside the relationship for satisfaction. This could be through work or another person.

How Do You Love Someone So Different To You?

When you love someone who’s really different from you, it takes a lot of patience, curiosity, and a desire to grow together. Some key approaches: 

  1. Welcome Differences Rather Than Pushing Against Them: Instead of looking at differences as hurdles, think of them as chances to learn and broaden your viewpoint. Their one-of-a-kind experiences and perspectives can really add something special to your life.
  2. Focus on what really matters: What really counts are the values we share, like respect, honesty, and kindness, rather than just the surface-level stuff like hobbies, tastes, or personality types. When your core values match up, you can create a solid base. 
  3. Keep the Lines of Communication Open and Frequent: It’s pretty common for misunderstandings to pop up when two people see life from different angles. Make sure to really listen and share your thoughts, but don’t just assume the other person sees things the same way you do.
  4. Discover Shared Interests: No matter how different you might feel, there are always common interests, goals, or experiences that can bring you together.
  5. Recognise What They’re Good At: Rather than feeling annoyed by your differences, see how they actually work together to enhance you. If they’re a bit more spontaneous and you’re more structured, you could really balance each other out and help each other grow. 
  6. Embrace the fact that feeling uncomfortable is just a part of growing: Being with someone who’s really different can be tough at times, but love isn’t just about feeling completely at ease—it’s about growing together. 
  7. Embrace Their Uniqueness: Love is all about accepting someone for who they are (as well as yourself), not trying to change them to fit your mould. It’s about finding that sweet spot where you can both be together.

What Are The Three Circles?

If you are with someone who is completely different to you in some of the ways mentioned above, it is still possible to have a relationship. Yet, it is very important to realise that you need to make sure you are not losing yourself in the process and giving up too much of yourself in order to adapt to the differences. The Three Circles does this. 

The amount of advice on what makes a good relationship is overwhelming. Almost everyone you ask will have a different perspective based on their personal experiences and relationships. We develop a unique dynamic with each individual we choose to try with, yet some elements remain consistent and transfer from one relationship to the next. This includes our limitless power to absorb ourselves and effectively lose our identity for the ‘one’.

We’re not even talking about codependency, which, as we all know, creates a difficult scenario on its own. Codependents will automatically put their own needs aside and adapt to what they believe their partner desires. This attempt at control for their own security frequently leads to relationships with emotionally and physically distant, abusive, and manipulative people with their own agendas. Codependents view this as a challenge, incorrectly believing that if they can ‘fix’ this person, they will be okay. It never works.

Most of us become fascinated with a new partner during the hormone-driven early phases of a relationship. This is a normal attraction process in which inhibitions are released and our brain chemicals shift. We’ve all had that feeling where our world seems a lot better than it was before we met this new individual. However, as we all know, the honeymoon eventually comes to an end, and we are left to deal with the real person. This does not have to be negative, but it will be different and require work if the relationship is to continue forward. This is the contemplation phase, in which we determine whether to stay (and what we must do to make that happen) or leave.

This is a challenging period for a new relationship, and the answer is not as straightforward as we may want to believe. The classic honeymoon phase is quite addictive, and both people usually enjoy it and grieve its conclusion. We are abruptly greeted with monotony, no surprises, as the ‘real’ person emerges. How can you keep a relationship going under these circumstances? It requires hard work and continuous discussion about how to proceed (if at all). Some will strive to reproduce the honeymoon phase with others in order to retain this euphoric feeling. Most will proceed to the next phase and easily adapt to new conditions, albeit unprepared.

In my opinion, one of the most important aspects of any good relationship is not just what we do while we are with our spouse, but also what we do while we are not. Society and tradition dictate that we must offer everything to our partner, but this is not sustainable. We need to keep something for ourselves. I like to look at it this way. Visualise your partnership as three circles. One for you, where you spend quality time with yourself or friends seeking your individuality; one for your spouse, who does the same; and a third circle for the partnership, where you spend quality time together.

Sounds perfect, and while individuality is important in a partnership, many of us sacrifice it in order to join the other’s group. I’ve encountered people who enter a relationship and abandon all they value about themselves in order to conform to their new partner’s behaviour. The one question you should ask on your first date is what you do for yourself and how you work on yourself.

Getting to know yourself might be challenging when we are taught and conditioned to believe that our sacrifices and denials would result in rewards in a relationship. It is a process that we must follow, and it frequently entails learning how we think and react, altering habits and behaviour, and establishing ideals for our lives. To begin this process, a fair inquiry may be, ‘What have I been denying myself’. Of course, this question can be addressed in a variety of ways, but hopefully it will spark a conversation with yourself about what you have been giving up in trying to satisfy or control. It is vital to note that this individual concentration is healthy and not indicative of narcissism or selfishness. Stephen Covey frequently stated that an ideal relationship is produced by two balanced persons who make a specific place for their partnership while maintaining their personal aims and desires. I completely agree with this. Do this and any differences can be worked on.

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Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a therapist, coach, and speaker, has over 20 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. His specialty lies in treating codependency, a condition that is often characterized by a compulsive dependence on a partner, friend, or family member for emotional or psychological sustenance. Dr. Jenner’s approach to treating codependency involves using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a treatment method that has gained widespread popularity in recent years. He identifies the underlying causes of codependent behavior by exploring his patients’ internal “parts,” or their different emotional states, to develop strategies to break free from it. Dr. Jenner has authored numerous works on the topic and offers online therapy services to assist individuals in developing healthy relationships and achieving emotional independence.