Recovery Articles

originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/how-to-avoid-attracting-whats-missing-in-you/

There is an old saying in couples therapy circles. We often attract what is void in us. Yet, later the very thing that attracted you to that person becomes an issue later in the relationship.

The saying mentioned at the start of this article highlights how we unconsciously seek partners with attributes we believe we lack. Those of us who battle with self-assurance may find ourselves drawn to someone who is aggressive. Someone who is disciplined may give us solace in the event that we are lacking structure. In the beginning, these characteristics might make us feel excited and complementary. It seems as if the other person “completes” us. This usually happens in the honeymoon period.

Nevertheless, over the course of time, the same characteristics that first drew us in can become issues of contention. The partner who is assertive could start to have feelings of control. The partner who is disciplined could appear to be inflexible. What we once saw as a perfect equilibrium might soon become a painful imbalance. This happens because we have outsourced the attributes we lack within ourselves to our spouse or partner. Instead of outsourcing, we should integrate them into ourselves.

When it comes to relationships, this cycle frequently manifests itself in the form of unresolved childhood scars. A child who was emotionally mistreated may be drawn to a partner who is attentive and supportive. However, later on, they may have feelings of being suffocated. If a person’s childhood was unstable, they often seek a companion who is responsible and predictable. Later, they regret feeling imprisoned by routine. This validates the concept of repetition compulsion.

A good real-life example, I once read in a self-help book about relationships:

A woman led a fairly rigid and somewhat boring life. She was attracted to a man who was adventurous and spontaneous. He traveled a lot. At the beginning of the relationship, they both embraced the traits of the other. Him, for her organisational skills and her down-to-earth character and her for his lust for life. As the relationship progressed, both tried to control the other to be more like them, leading to the eventual breakdown of the relationship.

This also highlights the concept of the “we-self”, where two dysfunctional individuals get together to give themselves the impression of wholeness. Two halves don’t always make a whole! These couples tend to live in a codependent bubble, trying desperately to find what pleases the other and what it takes to keep them in the relationship. This concept of enmeshment can also lead to manipulators taking advantage.

Deep self-awareness is necessary to break the habit of being drawn to traits we lack and then resenting them. Being self-aware is being conscious of the emotional needs, tendencies, and scars that influence our relationship decisions. What we look for in a partner frequently represents an inner emptiness that we haven’t completely explored or come to terms with in ourselves. We run the risk of expecting our partner to supply something that, in the end, only we can give ourselves. This also hands a lot of relational power and pressure on a partner to complete us or “make us happy”. This expectation is underpinned by societal, peer and parental pressure to find “the one”, who will fulfil our lifelong happiness. The true problem isn’t always the partner’s actions, but rather our need on them to make up for the qualities we haven’t developed in ourselves.

Gaining self-awareness enables us to see these patterns and accept accountability for our own development. We must cultivate these traits within ourselves rather than depending on a partner to provide us with emotional fulfilment, security, or confidence. As a result, relationships become grounded in respect for one another, shared values, and a sincere connection rather than unconscious wounds and unfulfilled desires.

People are less prone to project their insecurities onto their spouse when they come into a relationship as mature, self-aware adults. This is due to the fact that they have already completed the internal work required to recognise and address their own emotional needs. They approach the relationship from a place of wholeness and individuality, where the relationship is an addition to their life rather than a requirement for their emotional survival, as opposed to looking for a partner to fill a void or make up for what they lack.

In these kinds of partnerships, partners enhance one another’s lives in a way that seems organic, harmonious, and satisfying. Without anticipating that the other person will mend their wounds, affirm their value, or serve as an emotional support system, they encourage and support one another. Instead of unintentional patterns of avoidance or codependency, this promotes a dynamic built on respect for one another, shared ideals, and emotional maturity.

However, people who have unresolved emotional scars frequently turn to their spouse to “complete” them, which can result in conflict, codependency, and inflated expectations. The relationship is emotionally taxed if, for instance, a person who has low self-esteem is always looking to their partner for validation. Similar to this, someone who has experienced abandonment wounds can become extremely attached to their partner or dread losing them, which would cause tension instead of security.

We become less dependent on other people for approval when we learn to address our own emotional needs, whether through self-reflection, therapy, personal development, or constructive coping techniques. In addition to improving our relationships, this change fosters personal growth as we acquire emotional intelligence, resilience, and self-sufficiency.

In the end, when two whole people unite, they build a partnership that is about improving one other’s lives rather than filling in deficiencies. This love is about real connection, freedom, and development rather than neediness or possession. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, talks about the Three Projects in this case, which is a very viable concept in how we can look at the issues presented in this article.

He defines the Three Projects as ways adults overcome the sorrow of unmet childhood needs in their relationships in hi book, You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For. We seek affection, approval, and healing through these undertakings, often unintentionally. A breakdown of each:

1. The Initial Project: Partner Change
Many think their partner would act differently if they felt loved and secure. They strive to control (through manipulation, silent treatment), fix, or attempt to make their partner more loving or understanding. This strategy externalises healing rather than addressing interior wounds, causing frustration and conflict.

Project 2: Changing Yourself to Please Your Partner
People sacrifice their needs to please their partners in this strategy. They think becoming the “perfect” partner—more accommodating, less needy, or more attractive—will bring them love and stability. This causes self-abandonment and bitterness and is codependency defined.

Project 3: Inner System Healing
Schwartz recommends working with our wounded selves. We lead ourselves and heal ourselves instead of changing ourselves to find love. We can address our own needs, lessening our need for external validation and improving relationships. If we fail to do this, we often seek solace outside the relationship in terms of other people or things like workaholism.

This idea is based on Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework, which emphasises internal healing over external control. Third Project aligns with self-compassion and self-leadership for more secure and rewarding relationships.