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What You Didn’t Know About Codependency: Hidden Struggles

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/understanding-codependency-the-hidden-struggles/

I have been dealing with codependency for about 15 years and the amount of awareness about the condition has massively increased in that time. I would go as far as to say that if you grew up in a dysfunctional household as a child, there is a huge chance of codependency being a part of your life. Given that most people did in varying degrees, it shows the depth of the issue. It has its roots in child development and is driven by developmental and relational trauma and the acquisition of toxic shame. The feeling of ‘not being enough’ or ‘something wrong’ fuels the action of manipulating the environment to survive. This is done by overachieving, subduing ‘unacceptable’ parts of personality and ‘parenting the parent’ in order to gain connection and feel secure. This prevails into adulthood, leaving one unable to identify and meet personal needs and an external focus on the welfare of others.

Despite so many people identifying with the symptoms, there are still some who doubt its existence or hold derogatory views against anyone claiming to be codependent. This includes virtually all of the medical profession and indeed, some therapists. This is sad because even codependents do this to themselves. I have heard people describe themselves as weak or pathetic, narcissistic and comparing themselves to babies. This is normal in a codependent, victim based personality but it is rather alarming to see the way codependents are sometimes described on social media sites. I recently saw a YouTube video which has now been taken down. The video was posted by someone who documented various methods he had employed to deal with his codependent girlfriend including silent treatment, withholding affection and validation. He also said that he allowed her to practice her willingness to meet his every need to teach her a lesson that it won’t work to get what she wants. Sounds quite a catch and one can only hope that she finds someone who truly cares about her.

I have also heard codependents called “emotional vampires” and always “needy”. What these terms fail to realise is that codependents have been conditioned to behave in a certain way in order to get their needs met and its automatic. They manipulated their environment in childhood to gain what they needed. This is why it is very hard for them to see their behaviour as bad. They are the “good guys” and that can’t be wrong. However, it mirrors their childhood experiences and they know no other way but to control.

People who have codependency issues are often in denial. This denial tells them that they are the victims of something and they are the good side of any relationship. This denial is driven by the drama triangle, the preferred method of codependency control. Codependents usually hold a good deal of resentment due to the sacrifices they feel they make and the lack of expected return they receive. 

Anyone who has codependent traits need to test their motives continually as to why they are doing what they do. Many don’t and continue to live with the idea that they are being slighted and victimized. Part of this the natural urge to enmesh with others and lose identity. An essential element of managing codependency is the requirement to gain individuality and looks inwards rather than adopt an external focus. 

While codependents often see themselves as victims (and sometimes are), there is also a darker side to codependency. They can often be sensitive, angry people who can be extremely needy and smothering to anyone involved with them. On the other hand, they are extremely willing to do anything they can to be accepted, leaving the door open to manipulation and abuse. 

An interesting question that often goes through my mind is just where does codependency lie on the egoism and altruism continuum? Are codependents manipulators themselves, self-centered and only worried about themselves? Or are they the sacrificial altruists they often claim to be? I personally see codependents as extremely controlling and can be dominating in a passive-aggressive manner but also have a measure of goodwill and a helping aspect to their actions. The answer is not clear and probably lies somewhere squarely in the middle and varies depending on the individual. Let’s look at the differences. 

The contrast between egoism and altruism sheds light on the fundamental distinctions that exist between two extreme forms of human nature. Egoism and altruism are two distinct concepts that can be contrasted with one another. These examples illustrate two polar opposite sides of the human character. Egoism is the state of being overly concerned with one’s own interests to the exclusion of those of others. The opposite of egotism is altruism, which is the quality of giving without expecting anything in return. Psychologists have always been fascinated by the ever-changing nature of the human being, especially when it comes to the manner in which an individual’s acts might sometimes border on altruism and other times border on egoism. They claim that a variety of different elements influence the way in which certain activities interact with one another. 

An illustration is the best way to comprehend this point. A man who is married and has two children makes the decision to abandon his family because he feels as though they are holding him back. The family is struggling financially, and the wife and children are unable to contribute to the household income. The man concludes that the circumstances are intolerable and that he should not squander his life on such a pitiful circumstance; consequently, he simply departs from the situation. In this kind of situation, the person is entirely preoccupied with themselves. He lacks any sense of responsibility or consideration for the other members of the family and acts in a thoughtless manner. 

Some people have the opinion that being egotistic is inherent to the human condition. For instance, the philosopher Thomas Hobbes asserted that people are inherently self-centered in their behavior. His theory suggests that the fact that people are naturally self-centered is the root cause of the conflict that exists between humans. On the other hand, one cannot assert that every individual is self-centered. This can be grasped by gaining an understanding of the concept of altruism.

Altruism can simply be defined as unselfishness. It is when a person puts the needs of others even before himself. This is why it can be considered as the opposite of egoism. Such an individual is so concerned about others that he completely ignores himself. For example, take a soldier who sacrifices himself to save the others of his battalion, or else a parent that risks herself or himself to save the child. These are instances where an individual completely forgets his own self. In some situations altruism is at the cost of one’s own self. Then it is considered as a sacrifice. There is a strong moral obligation and also emotional attachment that makes the individual be altruistic. Some people believe that this should not be considered as altruism, because the individual puts themselves forward for another who is known to them. But altruism expands further. When an individual at a train station saves the life of another who is a complete stranger to them, risking their own life, this is also altruism.

If you read the above, most people would suggest that codependents are closer to the altruist end of the scale and they probably are. Most codependents are selfless and will often lose themselves in a relationship with scant regard for their own position. However, the resentment that builds from not receiving what they feel they should puts them very much in the egoism camp.

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Dr Nicholas Jenner

Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a therapist, coach, and speaker, has over 20 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. His specialty lies in treating codependency, a condition that is often characterized by a compulsive dependence on a partner, friend, or family member for emotional or psychological sustenance. Dr. Jenner’s approach to treating codependency involves using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a treatment method that has gained widespread popularity in recent years. He identifies the underlying causes of codependent behavior by exploring his patients’ internal “parts,” or their different emotional states, to develop strategies to break free from it. Dr. Jenner has authored numerous works on the topic and offers online therapy services to assist individuals in developing healthy relationships and achieving emotional independence.

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Pornography Statistics

Originally posted at: https://www.covenanteyes.com/pornstats/

Here you can find the latest statistics on pornography. Download our free PDF for more detailed pornography stats and citations.

Contents

Porn Industry Statistics

“It seems so obvious: If we invent a machine, the first thing we are going to do—after making a profit—is use it to watch porn.”– Damon Brown, Author of Playboy’s Greatest Covers

How much money does the porn industry make?

In 2006, adult entertainment revenues were estimated at nearly $13 billion.1 In 2023, estimates for the global industry range from $58 billion2 all the way to $287 billion.3 We don’t know exactly how much of that is porn, but it’s safe to say it’s a multi-billion dollar industry.

How much porn is there?

There’s no way to calculate the exact amount of porn online. But experts estimate 4% of the internet is pornography.4

According to data aggregator SemRush, in September 2024, Pornhub was the sixth most popular website in the world and boasted over 5.6 billion views.5 Learn more in How Big is the Porn Industry?

User Generated Porn

Gone are the days where big studios produce all the pornography. The website OnlyFans, a platform for individuals to upload their own content for subscribers, was launched in 2016. It now produces $6.6 billion in annual revenue.6

Virtual Reality (VR) Porn

Although only 7% of millennials and 5% of Gen Z’ers report consuming VR porn,7 some experts predict it will grow to a $19 billion industry in the next few years.8

Violence and Abuse

A 2020 survey of thousands of pornographic videos found that 45% had at least one act of physical aggression. A related trend is so-called “revenge porn,” where private photos or videos are uploaded by an ex-partner in order to humiliate or shame someone.

AI-generated Porn

One of the latest and perhaps most concerning trend is AI-generated pornography. Far from being an “ethical alternative” to real human performers, artificial intelligence poses serious human rights concerns.

“Amateurs come across better on screen. Our customers feel that. Especially by women; you can see it. They still feel strong pain.”– Carlo Scalisi, Owner of 21 Sexury Video

Porn Use in the United States

What do people think about porn?

Pornography has become increasingly commonplace. However, a hopeful trend is that younger generations are becoming more likely to recognize the harms of pornography.

  • 46% of people believe that porn is harmful.
  • 38% are neutral about porn’s effects.
  • Millennials are the likeliest group to view pornography favorably.
  • Gen Z has a more negative view of pornography.9
  • 41% of teens say they believe watching porn is wrong. 38% do not believe it is wrong.
  • Half of teens say they “feel guilty or ashamed” after watching online porn.10

How many people watch pornography?

Despite the recognition of the negative effects of pornography. The number of people consuming pornography continues to rise.

  • 61% of the general population report viewing pornography.
  • 78% of men watch pornography.
  • 44% of women watch pornography.

How many teens watch porn?

How many Christians watch porn?

  • 54% of practicing Christians watch pornography.
  • 75% of Christian men watch pornography.
  • 40% of Christian women consume pornography.
  • 22% of Christians view pornography at least once a week, compared to 31% of non-Christians who view pornography at least weekly.12

“The young women who talk to me on campuses about the effect of pornography on their intimate lives speak of feeling that they can never measure up, that they can never ask for what they want; and that if they do not offer what porn offers, they cannot expect to hold a guy. The young men talk about what it is like to grow up learning about sex from porn, and how it is not helpful to them in trying to figure out how to be with a real woman…For the first time in human history, the images’ power and allure have supplanted that of real naked women. Today, real naked women are just bad porn.”– Naomi Wolf

Statistics on Pornography and Marriage

“I have also seen in my clinical experience that pornography damages the sexual performance of the viewers. Pornography viewers tend to have problems with premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Having spent so much time in unnatural sexual experiences with paper, celluloid and cyberspace, they seem to find it difficult to have sex with a real human being. Pornography is raising their expectation and demand for types and amounts of sexual experiences; at the same time it is reducing their ability to experience sex.”– Dr. MaryAnne Layden

When pornography is viewed, couples are twice as likely to separate.1370% of wives of sex addicts could be diagnosed with PTSD.14

Prolonged exposure to pornography leads to:

  • Diminished trust between intimate couples.
  • Belief that promiscuity is the natural state.
  • Lack of attraction to family and child-raising.15

A 2014 study found that compulsive pornography users “had greater impairments of sexual arousal and erectile difficulties in intimate relationships but not with sexually explicit materials.”16

Statistics on Pornography in the Church

“A study at a Christian university found that among Christian students who use por­nography, 43 percent of men and 20 percent of women say their pornography use worsened their relationship with Christ. Further, 20 percent of men and 9 percent of women reported their pornography use caused them to lose interest in spiritual things.”—Sam Black, The Healing Church

  • 67% of pastors have a personal history with porn.
  • 18% of pastors in the United States currently struggle with pornography.17
  • Only 7% of pastors report their church has a ministry program for those struggling with porn.18

References

1 David Cay Johnston, “Indications of a slowdown in the sex entertainment trade,” New York Times, Jan. 4, 2007. Accessed January 3, 2025 at https://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/04/business/media/04porn.html

2 Yahoo! Finance, “Adult Entertainment Global Business Analysis Report 2024-2030 Growth of Subscription-based Models and Premium Content Sustains Revenue, Collaborations Enhance Market Visibility,” Globe Newswire, July 5, 2024. Accessed December 3, 2024 at https://finance.yahoo.com/news/adult-entertainment-global-business-analysis-085000372.html

3 Transparency Market Research, “Adult Entertainment Market.” Accessed December 3, 2024 at https://www.transparencymarketresearch.com/adult-entertainment-market.html

4 Katharina Buchholz, “How Much of the Internet Consists of Porn?” Statistia. Accessed December 3, 2024 at https://www.statista.com/chart/16959/share-of-the-internet-that-is-porn#:~:text=Two%20studies%2C%20one%20by%20computational,according%20to%20Ogas%20and%20Gaddam.&text=This%20chart%20shows%20scientific%20estimates,of%20porn%20on%20the%20internet

5 SemRush, “Most Visited Websites in the World, Updated September 2024.” Accessed December 3, 2024 at https://www.semrush.com/website/top/.

6 Laura Ceci, “OnlyFans gross revenue worldwide from 2019-2024,” Statistia, September 17, 2024. Accessed December 3, 2024 at https://www.statista.com/statistics/1334287/onlyfans-gross-revenue/

7 Pure Desire Ministry, Beyond The Porn Phenomenon: Equipping the Church For a New Conversation About Pornography, Betrayal Trauma, and Healing (Ventura, CA: Barna Group, 2024), 25.

8 Business Wire, “Juniper Research: Global Revenue from Adult Virtual Reality Content to Reach $19 Billion by 2026, as Subscription Models Dominate,” August 23,2021. Accessed December 3, 2024 at https://www.businesswire.com/news/home/20210822005004/en/Juniper-Research-Global-Revenue-from-Adult-Virtual-Reality-Content-to-Reach-19-Billion-by-2026-as-Subscription-Models-Dominate

9 Beyond the Porn Phenomenon, 31.

10 Michael Robb and Supreet Mann, 2022 Teens and Pornography (Common Sense Media, 2022), 17. Accessed at https://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/research/report/2022-teens-and-pornography-final-web.pdf

11 2022 Teens and Pornography, 8.

12 Beyond the Porn Phenomenon, 24

13 Perry, S. L., & Schleifer, C. (2017). Till Porn Do Us Part? A Longitudinal Examination of Pornography Use and Divorce. The Journal of Sex Research, 55(3), 284–296. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1317709

15 Barbara A. Steffens and Robyn L. Rennie, “The traumatic nature of disclosure for wives of sexual addicts,” Sexual Addiction &Compulsivity 13 (2006): 247–267.

15 Judith Reisman, Jeffrey Sanitover, Mary Anne Layden, and James B. Weaver, “Hearing on the brain science behind pornography addiction and the effects of addiction on families and communities,” Hearing to U.S. Senate Committee on Commerce, Science & Transportation, Nov. 18, 2004. Accessed December 3, 2024 at https://www.templateroller.com/template/2083892/testimony-dr-judith-reisman-hearing-on-the-brain-science-behind-pornography-addiction-and-the-effects-of-addiction-on-families-and-communities.html.

16 Valerie Voon, Thomas B. Mole, Paula Banca, Laura Porter, Laurel Morris, Simon Mitchell, Tatyana Lapa, Judy Karr, Neil A. Harrison, Marc N. Potenza, Michael Irvine, “Neural Correlates of Sexual Cue Reactivity in Individuals with and without Compulsive Sexual Behaviours.” PLoS One 9(7): e102419 (July 11, 2014); Daisy J. Mechelmans, Michael Irvine, Paula Banca, Laura Porter, Simon Mitchell, Tom B. Mole, Tatyana Lapa, Neil A. Harrison, Marc N. Potenza, Valerie Voon, “Enhanced Attentional Bias towards Sexually Explicit Cues in Individuals with and without Compulsive Sexual Behaviours,” PLoS One 9(8): e105476 (August 25, 2014)

17 Beyond the Porn Phenomenon, 46.

18 Sam Black, The Healing Church: What Churches Get Wrong About Pornography
and How to Fix It (New York: Morgan James Publishing, 2023), 8.