Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group
Episode 90: You See What you Want to See–Sex Addiction Recovery Tips
Doug disucsses how in life we can get so focused on one aspect or action that we create a filter in which we see “everything.” Doug discusses how gratitude and positive thinking are more than just strategies that you can read about in the self help section. They are mindsets that give us freedom. They are ways that we can take a step in recovery.
Originally posted at: https://www.theresstillhope.org/
Have you heard of BID disease? That stands for Body Integrity Dysphoria. Only a very small number of people have it, maybe 300 in recorded history.
BID, which strikes mostly men, causes the patient to have an overwhelming sense that a certain limb on his body doesn’t belong. And its effects can be catastrophic.
A mild-mannered man from the Midwest, named Jason, suffered from BID from a young age. He felt that his right hand just didn’t belong with the rest of his body. So one night, Jason went into his garage, turned on his table saw, and sawed off his hand with one quick cut. He survived, but with just one hand.
Unfortunately, the Church has been infected with a form of BID. We tag a member of our body as undesirable – for whatever reason. If you don’t think I’m right on this, stand up in church this Sunday, announce you are a recovering sex addict, then wait to see how long it takes before you feel ostracized.
Your church may be the exception. I pray that it is.
Recovery Step: The Bible declares, “For even as the body is one and yet has many members, and all the members of the body, though they are many, are one body” (1 Corinthians 12:12). Every part of the body matters to God. And every part should matter to us – including the person with a sex addiction. Don’t treat him as if you have BID disease. Don’t cut him off.
Originally posted at: https://www.theepochtimes.com/mkt_breakingnews/when-trauma-gets-trapped-in-the-body_2959875.html
BY CONAN MILNER
Imagine if the sound of footsteps made you fear for your life. It’s a feeling that author Karen Stefano suffered with for more than 30 years.
“When I go out on my runs, I’m very conscious of anybody running behind me and the sound of feet slapping concrete,” Stefano said. “Sometimes, I want to pat myself on the back about how I cope, but then I go through episodes where I think, ‘I haven’t grown at all. I haven’t gotten over this.”’
Not all footsteps trigger a panic attack, but Stefano never knows when her fear will strike. She recalls one episode a few years ago, when she was walking down the street on a sunny San Diego morning. It was a safe area. Plenty of people were milling around. But when Stefano heard the sound of a man jogging behind her, she became overcome with dread.
“I spun around and almost screamed at the poor guy. He was just mortified and apologized profusely even though he had done absolutely nothing wrong,” she said.
Stefano explores the source of her fear in her book, “What a Body Remembers: A Memoir of Sexual Assault and Its Aftermath.”
In the summer of 1984, Stefano was a 19-year-old sophomore at UC–Berkeley. One night, as she was walking to her off-campus apartment, she heard the footsteps of a man who would cast a long shadow on her life.
As she made her way to her apartment building just before midnight, Stefano saw the man on the street. At first, she dismissed his presence—probably just a grad student—but once she heard his footsteps change course and follow her into her building, she felt a twinge of concern. A few moments later, the man’s wild blue eyes met hers and his motives became clear.
“My body knew his intentions,” she said.
The man cornered Stefano in the tunnel-like concrete hall that led to her apartment. He revealed a knife, and grabbed her 110-pound body tightly from behind. He held the knife to her throat with one hand and covered her mouth with the other. She was stunned at first, but then she began to scream. Her attacker struggled to silence her, but her screams only grew more ferocious.
As the sound of neighbors opening their doors crept into the hallway, the attacker released her. She fell to the ground as his footsteps trailed off into the night.
Stefano sustained little physical harm—just a puffy bruise on her lips where her assailant gripped her mouth—but even today, the aftermath still lingers like a scar that refuses to heal. She says the worst part is the shame that accompanies it.
“Back in 1984, PTSD was not a well-known term. It was just coming into the lexicon. I certainly didn’t know there was a name for what I was going through. I didn’t cope. I just denied what I was experiencing with the mantra: ‘I’m fine.’” Stefano said.
Part of what generates shame for a victim following trauma is a loss of control. First, you find yourself at the mercy of high-stress circumstances. Then, your panic gauge seems to be broken. Days, weeks, or even years later, when it’s objectively clear that there’s no danger in sight, your body may still react as if another threat is just around the corner. You try to convince yourself that everything is fine, but your body is still stuck on high alert.
“There is a societal pressure to project an image of having it all together,” Stefano said. “But you don’t just get over it, as much as you’d like to.”
Why does fear maintain its hold on us long after the traumatic event has passed? According to Erica Hornthal, a licensed clinical counselor and board-certified movement therapist specializing in PTSD, your body isn’t working against you. It’s just trying to protect you.
“At the heart of it is safety,” Hornthal said. “This is a survival mechanism that we’ve had since the beginning of time. It’s that very primal part of us that we forget is there sometimes, but that’s the part that’s really trying to keep us safe.”
Hornthal describes a panic attack as a kind of flashback, plunging you into the past to relive the feelings of a traumatic event, even when your environment poses no actual threat. She explains that memories aren’t formed in the same way in trauma as they are when we’re not under stress. So when we confront a trigger that resembles the traumatic event—like footsteps, for example—those same fight-or-flight feelings can come flooding back.
“The body doesn’t know everything is OK. It’s just responding to the stimulus,” Hornthal says.
Hornthal says that when trauma victims are faced with losing so much control, they often blame themselves as a way to regain some control. However, this only amplifies the shame.
“We can internalize it, and make ourselves feel like we brought it on. We will rationalize that it was our fault: ‘If only I would have done this or hadn’t done that,’” Hornthal said.
According to Stefano, we can only counteract this shame by finding a voice for those feelings.
“By talking about it, you take away the shame,” she said. “Secrets don’t help you heal. It’s only by shedding some light on our issues that we can make them go away. We can make them more manageable, then we can help other people.
But being able to process and talk about these feelings can take a lifetime, especially if you don’t have the skills or the support necessary when the trauma first strikes.
Stefano says her panic came and went over the course of her life on its own mysterious time frame. It slowly faded a few years following the incident. And it seemed to disappear completely during the years she worked as a criminal defense attorney. During that time, she represented many violent individuals, some of whom committed sexual assaults similar to the one she suffered. But Stefano says she didn’t feel any panic, only compassion.
“It’s a paradox, but I came to develop compassion for these very flawed human beings,” she said. “I was honest to God the only person on earth fighting for them. Many of them didn’t have a family. They didn’t have money. They didn’t have any prospects. They were severely psychologically damaged, and the prosecution was out to string them up.”
Stefano’s panic returned with a vengeance about five years ago, when she was enduring several new traumas: financial problems, a devastating divorce, and her mother’s dementia. During this time, the old memories and panic attacks related to the assault of her college days came flooding back. The difference was that now she had acquired wisdom, perspective, and knowledge she lacked when she was 19.
“That’s when I started to actually do some beneficial coping mechanisms, like going to therapy,” she said.
Hornthal sees a similar pattern in her patients. She says even those who think they’ve processed their experience and have successfully moved on are often forced to confront these feelings again.
“They’ll say, ‘I thought I processed this. Why is it coming back?’ It’s because a part of your brain is still storing it,” Hornthal said. “As we’ve seen with the recent Me Too movement, people are coming out 15 or 20 years later to tell their stories, and it’s often because they’re just not able to speak about it [until then].
In addition to talking with a therapist, Stefano has also found relief through running, and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)—a proven trauma recovery method that involves lateral eye movements.
We typically think of talking as the primary mode of processing an experience, but movement may be a significant part of the puzzle. Experts say the body also needs a way to voice its own story in order for us to truly move on.
As a movement therapist, Hornthal believes addressing the physical body is essential for trauma recovery. She says movement is what allows the stuck feelings to resurface so that we can vocalize them.
“That’s what it takes to release those trapped emotions, and for us to really rewire, reintegrate and change the brain,” Hornthal said. “Movement is the first language that we learn. As we get older, typically our higher brain takes over, and we can start to rationalize why we feel a certain way. We don’t necessarily listen to our body like we used to.
In addition to moving our body in ways to release the trauma, we also need to be open to what our body has to say once the feelings come bubbling to the surface. Most of us tend to ignore the signals our body gives us, but it’s especially difficult when it’s trauma-related because the messages our body has to deliver in these cases can be very painful.
“It’s about identifying those feelings, and when you’re working with trauma and people who have experienced incredible pain, a lot of it is painful,” Hornthal said. “It feels counterproductive to feeling better. Why would I want to sit in my misery? I just want to feel good.”
It’s certainly not fun, but it’s necessary. Because unless we take the time to sit in our discomfort and acknowledge the pain we feel, it will continue to haunt us.
Stefano sees the same dynamic playing out in her most recent trauma: her mother’s death. She died just a few months ago, and Stefano says she’s watching herself do the same dance of denial she did when she was 19. She says she knows better now with everything she’s learned, but still finds herself avoiding the pain.
“I believe our minds will do anything to avoid pain and processing pain,” Stefano said. “But if your mind keeps pushing it down because you don’t want to feel the pain, your body is going to make you address this one way or another. It says, ‘We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way.”’
Originally posted at: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2021/02/15/dear-woman-use-your-story-to-find-freedom-from-porn
You’re trying to change. Really, you are. You’ve decided to quit using porn and stop engaging in the other unwanted sexual behaviors that often accompany it. You’ve gritted your teeth, clenched your fists, and determined to try harder. You might have even put Covenant Eyes on all of your devices.
You’re a strong woman; you can do this!
But as helpful as those things are, how long will you be able to do this using sheer willpower?
The old brain pathways developed as a result of your past behaviors and ways of thinking are strong. And compared to them, you’re not feeling strong at all. You may have found yourself slipping back into old behaviors again and again. Or perhaps you’re feeling tired of trying so hard. And if you slip, the result is always the same: a brief moment of satisfaction, and then shame, guilt, and feeling defeated.
It can feel overwhelming and hopeless.
Doing the work, making the decision, and exerting 100% of your effort to quit and stay sober from porn is so important. Tools like Covenant Eyes are pricelessly helpful. You cannot become free by going half-way. This is not playing games; you’ve got to go all in.
But such effort by itself will, at best, only leave you worn out and empty. There are things under the surface of your heart as a woman that will sabotage your recovery, freedom, and restoration unless they are dealt with.
Perhaps you’re successfully remaining clean and sober over a long period of time, but something in your soul feels hungry, empty, unsettled. You’re wondering if this struggle is worth it. Or perhaps you’re frustrated at what seems like your inability to remain free for any significant length of time and wonder what else you should be doing.
Let me invite you to look under the surface, to look past the behaviors, and look at your heart.
A woman’s heart is a beautiful and priceless thing. John and Stasi Eldredge describe who a woman is meant to be:
“A woman who at her core was made for romance, made to play an irreplaceable role in a shared adventure, and who really does possess a beauty all her own to unveil. The woman God had in mind when he made Eve . . . and when he made you. Glorious, powerful, and captivating.” [1]
How do you feel even reading those few sentences? It’s likely you feel anything but glorious, powerful, and captivating. That certainly could not be you!
But it is. The core of who you are as a woman is a large part of why evil has worked so intensely to distract, mar, corrupt, damage, and enslave you. It also speaks to the very reasons you keep being drawn to porn.
Related: Shame Doesn’t Know You: Ending the Life Sentence
Since the days when you were a child, something inside of you has longed for that glory—to be desired, known, connected, filled, needed, cherished, loved, honored. At its root, the pull of porn (or any other addiction) begins by appealing to something related to that inner longing.
And once you’re hooked, the message played to your heart is that your very inner desire is too dark to even look at. The best you can hope for is to anesthetize your soul. And porn is a perfectly engaging and available way to do just that.
It can be scary to look under the surface of your life, your heart. But this I know; you did not wake up one morning and decide, “I’m going to mess up the rest of my life and relationships by getting hooked on porn.” Something happened to you. That “something” involves stuff that others or circumstances did to you, and also stuff you did to yourself.
Most of the time it’s difficult and perhaps impossible to truly differentiate between what others did to you and what you did to yourself. But Jesus is not nearly as concerned with apportioning out blame as He is with inviting you into a journey of healing and transformation.
And the only way to get there is to deal with what’s under the surface.
Dealing with what’s under the surface is a powerful and necessary dimension of finding and living in freedom. Bringing your stuff into the light disinfects the shame and loosens the chains that bind you to your past. When you feel stuck in darkness that may seem difficult to believe, but I challenge you to give it a try.
You were sexually formed long before you ever realized that’s what was happening to you. You picked up the attitudes and behaviors you saw modeled in your family of origin—beliefs and ways of being around family, intimacy, relationships, sex, womanhood, and a whole lot more. You were almost certainly sexually harmed, perhaps repeatedly and in many ways. Traumas you experienced—sexually-related and otherwise—led you to self-protect and self-soothe just to survive.
And then there’s the need, desire, and capacity for intimacy that God made you with. That’s part of how you are created in the image of God. The stuff that happened to you, and your porn use in response, are in part an attempt to meet that legitimate need in your soul. The desperate and damaging ways you’ve tried to meet that need have not changed that core part of who you are—as a woman.
It may be that reading this stirs up some deep things in your memory and in your soul; it’s intended to. But you may be tempted to think, “What happened to me wasn’t really that important. It wasn’t that big a deal.” However outwardly “small” what happened to you may seem, it’s not the event(s) themselves that is the point; it’s the impact they had and continue to have on your heart. And that’s always a big deal.
Or you might be tempted to think, “What happened to me was too horrible to address. I’ll be swallowed up and never get past it. Anesthetizing myself is the only choice I have.” Let me encourage you to suspend disbelief and borrow hope from others for a time if you need to. This is for you too! The freedom, joy, and restoration that will come as a result of dealing with your story will be more than worth the difficulty of doing so.
Your story is unique, and it matters.
Dealing with what’s under the surface in your heart is not a one-moment thing. You didn’t get here in a day, and you won’t experience the full and complete restoration Jesus has available for you in a day. This is a journey and one that’s worth taking.
Three important steps will need to be incorporated into your journey.
Owning your story may seem daunting. If so, it may be important for you to seek some help from a counselor or therapist skilled in helping you walk such a journey. Regardless of whether you do this alone or with some professional help, it will become such an important part of you finding wholeness.
It will help to write out your sexual story, either as a timeline of significant events, or a narrative in whatever way your mind remembers. Get to know the younger parts of you; it’s common through trauma for such younger parts of you to become disengaged from your adult self. Many find journaling a useful way to “go there.”
The events that happened are important, but even more important is the impact they had on your soul. As you explore your story don’t only think of external facts; also look for elements such as rejection, exploitation, anger, loss, confusion, shame, isolation, or other heart-wounds. And what beliefs did you develop about yourself, about others, about the world, or about God as a result?
Related: Porn Was My Sex Education: Joy Skarka’s Story
The purpose of exploring your story is not to wallow in darkness, but to understand how you came to be who you are now—and to bring that into the light. This is not about making value judgments or assigning blame; it’s about looking at reality.
And then it’s about owning your reality. “This is me. This happened to me. This is how I responded. And this is how I have been impacted as a result.”
Owning your story is an important step, but it’s just one step in the process of finding restoration. There’s more.
Your story deserves to be shared. There’s something immensely powerful and liberating about sharing your story with a safe person(s). Even if you’ve explored your story on your own, sharing your story will disinfect the shame and open the door to immense freedom and healing.
But don’t just share your story with anyone. Think of it as a priceless treasure; choose carefully and prayerfully who is safe enough to entrust with your story. You’re looking for a person or a few persons who can listen and be there with you in your story, without offering magic fixes or minimizing what you’ve experienced.
You might share your story with a counselor or therapist, with a safe ally, or with a small group of girlfriends who are also walking a journey of restoration. You may find it helpful to share a small part of your story first and assess how the other person responds before deciding to share more.
In the thousands of people I’ve talked with, this is one of the steps they find most challenging, but one that usually ends up bringing the greatest amount of freedom. You’ll probably resist the idea of sharing your story, but I encourage you to find a way to do so. It will be worth it.
Healing and transformation come from Jesus. Behavior change—ending your porn use or other unwanted and damaging sexual behavior—has real value, but that in itself doesn’t fix you. Only Jesus can do that, and He wants to!
Invite Jesus to go with you into your story. One by one, imagine yourself back at those important moments in your story, the ones you now see as having been part of shaping who you are. Imagine Jesus being right there with you. Invite Him to actually be present with you in that moment.
See Him right there with you. How close is He to you? What is the look on His face? Is He saying anything to you?
As you allow Jesus to be with you in your story, it will be changed, and you will be changed. You may need to come back to your story repeatedly, inviting Jesus into each part. Take your time. This is important and often challenging work. Journaling as you do this will often be super helpful.
Regardless of how “bad” your story has been, it will lose its sting. You will be able to remember the events, but they will no longer have power over you. And that is wonderful freedom!
As you experience the freedom that comes through dealing with what’s under the surface, the old brain pathways begin to lose their power over you. Your ability to choose positive behaviors becomes greater. You no longer have to run to porn (or something else) to anesthetize yourself from the underlying “issues.”
Don’t get upset when this process doesn’t lead to one magic fix in a day. Frankly, your story is almost certainly too complicated and too dark for you to work it through all at once. Give yourself grace as you walk this journey. Jesus certainly does, and He will walk with you!
And you will discover the glorious, powerful, and captivating core of you under the surface of your womanly heart.
[1] John and Stasi Eldredge. Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul. (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2005), 19.
Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley, M.D., D.Min., is an author, speaker, licensed OB-GYN medical doctor, and ordained Doctor of Ministry. As an expert on the integration of wholeness for body, mind, and soul, she interacts daily with individuals from around the world helping them experience the Fully Alive life Jesus came to bring.
Our founder, Jorge, will be leading a new step study group starting July 24th. This is his 5th Step group.
The group lasts for about 2 years and you will go through all the steps including the pre-step and post-step work in the Castimonia book.
They will meet every 2 weeks on Saturday mornings from 830am to 950am before the 10am Saturday Castimonia meeting in Katy. There is no cost to join the group but you must purchase a copy of the Castimonia book, 2nd edition. Out of town guests will be able to use Zoom to join the group if they cannot attend in person. Houston-area members will need to attend in person.
This group takes a strong, long term commitment and is great for those ready to work the steps and have the Lord change their lives.
Please have any interested individuals contact Jorge at jorge@castimonia.org.
This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.
