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New Tenants

By KW

How long shall your evil thoughts lodge within you?
Jeremiah 4:14 (NKJV)

SWITCH ON YOUR BRAIN

I did a 21-Day Brain Detox Plan from Dr. Caroline Leaf’s book, Switch on Your Brain, where the reader is challenged to take one toxic thought and to then replace it with a healthy thought rooted in truth. I chose to tackle the thought, “I miss porn.” Pornography served as a counterfeit comfort blanket in my life for nearly two decades. Whenever things grew even mildly difficult, I’d run to the altar of pornography to numb any and all pain. Pornography was my drug and I learned rather quickly that choosing the road to recovery meant choosing the crushing cross of withdrawals – a painful period of time where the old fleshly appetites cry out for nourishment as the new nature is strengthened and well fed with the bread of life, God’s word. Seasons of withdrawal at times felt impossible to endure, as true freedom is often accompanied with the price tag of self-sacrifice; addiction felt easier than striving for sexual sobriety. It was only after deciding to abandon porn for good that I found myself hourly contending with the thought, “I miss porn.” Before surrendering to defeat, I reasoned I should at least complete the detox and I’m grateful I did because on Day 20, as I sat with that thought in prayer, Holy Spirit whispered this declaration of hope to my heart:

“This is your eviction notice; make way for new tenants.”

If my mind was like an apartment complex wherein there lived sexually broken images, thoughts, and desires in certain units, the Holy Spirit was inviting me as the landlord of my mind to engage in the act of mental eviction. Eviction is the legal process in which a property owner fights to take back possession of that which already belongs to him. What a parable to those of us recovering from sexual addiction. I imagine the children of Israel marching around the walls of Jericho was a sort of spiritual eviction, seeing as the land of Canaan already belonged to them. Upon their arrival to the promised land, those who remained in Canaan weren’t seen as mere tenants, but trespassers (Josh. 6); the same principle applied to my sexually broken thought-life. Very much in the spirit of eviction, God was charging me to exercise authority in taking back possession of my mind, to endure the process of eviction, and above all to embrace the newness of life.

EXERCISE AUTHORITY

Paul writes that we can take, “every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ,” only the deception of my addiction was that I felt powerless and thus doomed to live the rest of my life a slave to sin. How could I possibly capture the thoughts that once held me captive for so long? Whenever the thought “I miss porn” would come knocking on the door of my heart, the terror of temptation would cancel any ounce of faith I had to actually conquer it and the more I was overcome by the power of my addiction, the less I believed in the power of God to rescue me. While on the detox, I discovered that defeat had given birth to this victim mentality I had, but to remain in self-pity was a choice – one I no longer had to make because through the grace of neuroplasticity, I had the power and authority to choose freedom. Authority is defined as one having the power to give orders, make decisions, or to enforce obedience. Addiction took away my choice, but the the Holy Spirit empowers me to choose life. There’s no denying my brain had been hijacked from the years of addiction, but the truth remained that if I sincerely wanted those thoughts gone, I had the power to evict them. Day by day I could reverse all the brain damage I’d incurred from my addiction by even replacing the thought, “I miss porn,” with, “I reject that thought.” God was asking me the question He’d posed to the children of Israel, “How long shall your evil thoughts lodge within you?” The decision was mine – to either grant those thoughts permission to stay, or to exercise authority in ordering my brain to make new and healthier decisions, while also disciplining my body in making it “my slave.”

ENDURING THE PROCESS

Most landlords agree eviction should be a last resort due to how complicated and stressful the process can be, but when a tenant refuses to leave, eviction is the only option and no matter how long the process takes, the property is eventually restored. Likewise, recovery was an excruciatingly painful process for me, having to endure the mental anguish of withdrawals, sleepless nights, countless tears and fits of depression, having rigorous accountability, and having to actually face life’s issues without escaping to porn. Much of my recovery though was hindered when I insisted there was an easier and quicker path to sobriety apart from the hard work of mind renewal. I wanted the promise of freedom without the process of cleansing. I tried implementing accountability software and putting filters on all of my electronics, and even purchased a flip phone, thinking these outer measures would evict porn. I learned that outward conformity would never produce sustainable sobriety apart from inward transformation. Every relapse and failed attempt to conquer this giant only reinforced the lie that I was forever a slave to porn. Submitting to God’s process of honesty, humility, forgiveness, counseling and support groups, while also resisting the temptation to despair and ultimately surrender to my addiction, meant the enemy had to vacate the premises of my mind – it was only a matter of time.

EMBRACING NEWNESS

There were years I couldn’t imagine my life without porn, especially when I was single. But even after I got married and had the option of engaging in healthy sexual intimacy, sex with my wife couldn’t compare with the exhilarating rush of dopamine my brain experienced while using porn; simply put, porn was “better.” I felt like the Israelites who while journeying through the wilderness started to long for their old life back in Egypt. Wilderness was painful, plus Egypt had “better food,” and even though God miraculously sent manna from heaven, the Israelites replied like I did with, “what is it?” I had developed such a strong bond with computer screens using porn, that learning how to connect with a real human was quite the challenge. I discovered porn wasn’t more fulfilling than sex but more familiar; sex in marriage wasn’t negative, just new. However, embracing Christ means embracing newness, which is a nice sentiment in theory, but the reality of newness in Christ requires nothing less than the death to self and the old man. Romans 6:4 says we’re, “buried with Him through baptism into His death, in order that just as Christ was raised from the dead, we also might walk in the newness of life.” I found addiction most predictable – an endless cycle of hope, effort, defeat, and shame. There was nothing new about a relapse, only I was getting older. Addiction had become my identity and the toxic thoughts attached to my negative self-perception outnumbered God’s thoughts about me without rival. Even more than newness in sexuality, embracing the truth that, “sin no longer had dominion over me,” and that a life of freedom from porn was actually attainable proved most difficult. Walking by sight was easy; embracing a reality that I couldn’t yet see was new.

NEW TENANTS

When I started the 21-Day Brain Detox, I was convinced that the only tenant in need of evicting was porn, but sexual brokenness doesn’t fly solo. Evicting porn from my life made space for Christ to enter my heart and mind with the light of His love, illuminating all the other toxic tenants in need of evicting like self-loathing, shame, insecurity, pride, comparison, and unforgiveness to name a few. By God’s grace, I can now testify that the old tenants that once dominated my mind have now been permanently replaced by the new tenants of power, love, and a sound mind. I confess that the old thoughts occasionally knock on the door of my heart, trying to intimidate me with the fear of relapse, but sin isn’t the only knock at the door. If you’re reading these words feeling overwhelmed by the taunting knocks of sin and temptation at your mind’s door, hear the words of Revelation 3:20, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.” Will you invite Christ to be your new tenant?

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Excusable

Originally posted at: http://www.theresstillhope.org

Addicts are funny. We have mastered the science of justification for just about any behavior. Our middle circle behaviors are written mostly in pencil, not ink. And it’s true – there are things we can “get away with” that don’t break our sobriety. They are acceptable. But not smart.

G.K. Chesterton said, “We do not differ much in what we call evil, but in what we call excusable.” 

Paul said, “I have the right to do anything, but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12). 

Let me suggest a few things that you may find excusable, but that you might be better off without.

  • Watching R-rated movies
  • Certain social media
  • Googling info on attractive actresses or news anchors
  • Walking your dog past a certain home
  • Having personal conversations with the opposite sex
  • Texting the opposite sex about personal matters

Recovery Step: Write a list of things you might find excusable, but that are unwise. And while you’re at it, you might as well write it in ink.

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Enmeshment Means Codependents Lose Themselves

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/enmeshment-means-codependents-lose-themselves/

Codependency is not something you can take a pill for. It is not something that you can quickly shed like a winter jacket. Codependency is an issue that starts early in life and will continue until an awareness and will is found to change things. This will needs to be found because enmeshment is something that codependents frequently use to feel secure in a relationship. Recovery from codependency means in effect that a “new” person needs to be found. One that is confident and secure in their own skin. More on that later. First, let’s look at enmeshment and what it means.

Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other’s emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other person does as well. A good example of this is when one partner gets anxious and depressed and the other in turn, gets anxious and depressed. When they are enmeshed, one is not able to separate their emotional experience from that of the other.  

Enmeshment is a term mostly associated with family therapy and therapists often talk of the “enmeshed family” where there is a clear inappropriate involvement in each other’s lives and emotions are mirrored. It mostly occurs between parent and child and makes it hard for the child to become emotionally independent, instead feeling that the parent’s feelings are more important. This leads to codependency in adult relationship. The causes of family enmeshment are varied and could come from overprotection of the child after illness or a traumatic event. More often, it is generational due to family patterns being passed down and family boundaries being too fluid or too rigid. Often parents find it hard to let their children become independent and the parenting style is designed to keep the children close.

Enmeshment in relationships can happen between romantic partners (usually in codependent relationships), family members, friends, siblings as well as parents and children. It is in the area of codependency where I have seen it the most where codependents “lose” themselves in a relationship by mirroring the moods and decisions sensed from the other person.

“Healthy relationships are built on healthy emotional and physical boundaries,” explains Debra Roberts a licensed clinical social worker and communication expert. “People in healthy relationships are emotionally bonded, but they can function independently of each other. For example, they enjoy time alone and independent time with close friends. Someone in an enmeshed relationship is overly connected and needs to meet the other person’s needs so badly that they lose touch with their own needs, goals, desires, and feelings,” explains Roberts. “Often, just the thought of being without the person can be anxiety-producing.”

This quote describes many codependents I have come across who throw everything at “the one” to ensure the relationship continues, losing the sense of their own needs at the same time. Codependents would generally not do anything without the approval of their partner and for them it is all “we” and not “me”. They also find it hard to have friendships outside of the relationship and friends tend to be “our” friends.

Sometimes, in romantic relationships, one person will put their partner on a pedestal and think their needs and feelings are more important than their own. They become emotionally overwhelmed when their partner is upset and they respond as if the emotion or situation is happening directly to them. They cannot relax until their partner is “OK”.

In the case of codependents, enmeshment with others means a line has been crossed. Not only is there an abandonment of Self but the other person is taught to abandon themselves as well. When the pain and emotions of others are taken on, we allow the other to lean on us in unhealthy ways, when there should be more focus on moving forward in their lives by becoming more responsible for how they think and what they do. This is a codependent’s dream situation and difficult to solve as they actively look for enmeshment.

What can be done about this when a codependent happily seeks enmeshment to feel worthy and part of something. The first step is awareness and this often comes for codependents from the outside, either a family member, friend or therapist recognising the issue or in the aftermath of a break up. As enmeshment is all about porous boundaries, the obvious solution to the problem is to learn to set and maintain them, something that with most codependents needs practice and support. Unfortunately, the kind of people that codependents become involved with are the kind that do not accept boundaries generally. Mostly, recovery from enmeshment in a romantic relationship might mean leaving the relationship to allow change to happen.

This change will not come overnight as it means learning new healthy ways of connecting with others, boundaries and relationship values for the first time. Enmeshment might also have taken a toll on self-esteem, sense of independence and general mental health.

It is hard work but valuable work.

By

Keep Swinging

originally posted at: https://www.theresstillhope.org/

A reporter landed a rare interview with an aging Ted Williams. They were discussing the current state of hitting in the Major Leagues. The reporter asked Williams, widely considered the greatest hitter in history, how well he would hit against the current crop of pitchers.

“I’d hit about .280,” said Williams.

Reporter: “Just .280? You wouldn’t hit any better than that?”

Williams: “You have to understand, I’m 75 years old now.”

No one who ever saw Williams hit would doubt his ability to hit late in life. One reason for that was that even though he retired as a professional hitter in 1960, he kept swinging the bat – as a hitting instructor and as the first manager of the Texas Rangers. 

That’s the key to successful recovery. When times are hard, keep swinging. When you have just struck out, keep swinging. When you feel like quitting, keep swinging.

Recovery Step: God promises, “Even in your old age, I am God, and I will carry you” (Isaiah 46:4). So stay in the game. Keep swinging.

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Children Are Often The Collateral In Separation

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/children-are-often-the-collateral-in-separation/

I read the other day that the divorce rate has increased dramatically in the past twenty years when compared to the twenty years before that. There are no records for people separating who aren’t married but one can imagine similar figures. The vast majority of these unions would have children involved who share the dysfunction that often occurs after a separation. Their interests are not always put as a priority as the adults involved deal with the emotional side of it. This can be devastating for them as things move forward and indeed can affect them permanently.

Divorce and separation is an ugly business. Anyone who has been through it will testify to the emotional turmoil associated with it. Even the one who instigated the proceedings can be very badly affected by the process. Apart from the emotional issues, there is the possible legal and mediation process to deal with. No-one is quite the same after such an experience. When kids are involved at whatever age, the issues can become compounded and extremely complicated. Often in the maelstrom of emotions, the children are sometimes forgotten. How children are treated during the period before and after separation will determine how well they will adapt to their new situation. A situation that is no fault of theirs and has been thrust upon them.

We have to say at this point that children are always affected by the separation of their parents, no matter how much care the parents take. The trauma of dealing with the fallout can be devastating for children and some will find it extremely hard to cope. Generally, the younger they are, the better but even in this case, every care should be taken with the process. However, what the parents do and don’t do will have a great effect on how children get through this difficult period. Unfortunately, as one or both parents are normally struggling themselves, the children sometimes get forgotten to an extent and we mustn’t forget, there are also those parents who will use the children to gain revenge on their partner. As a therapist, I have come across the wide spectrum of behaviour around separation from the very functional to the downright self centred.

Let’s look at where it often goes wrong:

Using the children to connect with the ex: I see this often especially if one partner is struggling with the separation. They use any excuse possible to contact the ex or even visit them because of something to do with the children. Children respond best in these circumstances where clearly defined structures and boundaries are in place. That means when visiting one parent, there is no contact with the other unless a real emergency takes place.

Using the children to get revenge on the ex: That sarcastic comment placed here or there or direct criticism through to arranging visits and not delivering. There is a wide range of methods that the discarded and “discarder” can use to make life difficult for the other. This happens very often. Talking down the ex, commenting on what they did or didn’t do and all in front of the children. Arranging visits and never turning up, not being there for handovers, holding financial support back. The list goes on. As parents involved in divorce, the adults have to find a functional way to co-parent. Otherwise, it is clear the children will suffer. Luckily, intentional parental alienation is coming into the focus of the legal profession.

Failure to provide functional frameworks: After divorce and separation, children often have severe issues dealing with their new situation. At the same time, their parents are feeling the same. However, it is imperative that a secure framework is built for them in both of their new homes. One is their home and the other is their home away from home. Children will often suffer from separation anxiety when away from the other parent, will often become tearful and difficult for a few hours or even longer. It is essential that they are made to feel secure going through this. Difficult if the parent is also feeling insecure. However, what it says is that if you have issues, you need to seek help and support. Your children deserve this and will be better off in the long run.

Rushing a new partner into children’s lives: Another common occurrence and one that can be destructive in a number of ways. Firstly, older children will naturally feel an affinity with their parent and will often reject a new partner because they feel they have to. Younger children will find this easier. That said, there is never an optimum time for this and the children’s best interests should guide the process. One thing to keep in mind is that it is probably best to wait until the relationship is established before introducing the children into it. Additionally, time spent building a new relationship is demanding and often comes at the expense of the children.

Behaviour in front of children: As we have said, divorce is an ugly business and this can spill over into all aspects of the parents lives and subsequently to the children. This happens by phone, text and in person during handovers, etc. It brings emotions to the boil and can have an adverse effect on the environment around the children. I always advise my clients to set up a new mail account to correspond with their ex. This can be looked at periodically and responses thought out. That leaves phone contact for emergencies only.

Failure to move on: We must never forget that separation is one of the most stressful events that anyone can go through. That said, if children are involved, one must face it and solve issues effectively. Many parents find this hard (understandably) and it takes time to move onto a place of function. However, if the children come first, everything and anything must be done to get to that place. Therapy, self help and growth, acceptance work can all help.

Additionally, here are some ways that children can be helped with divorce :

Encourage honesty.

Help them put their feelings into words.

Legitimise their feelings.

Offer support.

Keep yourself healthy.

Keep the details in check.

Get help.