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Don’t Underestimate The Power Of Language: It Shapes Our World

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/dont-underestimate-the-power-of-language-it-shapes-our-world/

Many of us will enjoy reading a good book, writing a blogpost or listening to a good story. These activities build our imagination and keep our mind active. However, the most important aspect of communication is speaking. It is our chosen method of expressing ourselves and communicating and language is the fuel that drives this process. Language is powerful and its impact depends entirely on how we wield this power. It has been used across centuries for good and evil. Language sometimes means more to us when spoken by a specific person or group.

Language has become an integral part of our daily lives and most of the time is used as habit on a subconscious level. We treat language lightly and how we use it is often shaped by our social surroundings and obligations. Language can be used for manipulation, vagueness, assertion, love and many more aspects of our lives. We can choose to withdraw language and expression or we can choose to attack with it. If we were really conscious of how we use it and the role it plays in our lives, we could possibly make more conscious, informed decisions and shape our reality even more.

For me, the most powerful aspect of language is how we use it to talk to ourselves. This area of our lives can be decisive in how we see the world and our place in it. This goes back to our early days of our lives and language acquisition and yes, you guessed it, the influence of our caregivers.

We need to realise the power of  “I” and how that consolidates our blueprint. “I” is a very important word. When you say, “I am” the words that follow speak volumes – to yourself and others – about how you define yourself.

“I have, I choose, I love, I enjoy, I can, I will” are also words of strong intent. When we feel powerful we naturally employ these kinds of “I” statements. When we feel less powerful or fear that our words will cause conflict we tend to make our language less powerful, either by avoiding “I” by saying “I don’t know” or “I am not sure” or by following “I” with other ambivalent, unclear statements.

“I think I can” for example, doesn’t have much power compared with “I know I can” or “I can” or “I will”. Neither does “I guess so” – a red flag to your listener that even if you agree to something, your heart will not be in it. “I can’t” is a strong statement of victimization, implying that circumstances are outside of your control, and you have no power to change them.

Imagine the effect when we start to using such language against ourselves. Our self-talk is a major aspect of our thinking and while the ability to think things through is essential, we often sabotage ourselves with the words we employ. They keep us in relationships, help us to avoid and stop us moving forward. I have documented this in posts about the Inner Dictator. It is important that this concept is recognised and countered. It is at the heart of our avoidance and protective mindset we use to deal with our fears. Fears that have been with us since childhood.

As we grow and develop, we create relational frameworks around the people and objects around us. This is consolidated by language that we learn and acquire as children and this language goes on to form our blueprint of the world. Part of the process of acquiring language apart from formal learning is picking up words and phrases from caregivers. When those words are aimed at us in the form of shame based parenting or abuse or when language used is not clear or too complex, it can deeply affect the way we see ourselves. It can go towards forming a negative mindset that is unable to see past avoidance. This leads to what is classed as cognitive fusion, where thoughts are automatically turned towards avoidance as a default way of dealing with issues and it produces the language to consolidate it. We can practice cognitive defusion with the following exercise which calls for us to be in the present, conscious moment:

  • The first step is to recognise when and how you are engaging in negative self-talk and the language that consolidates it. This is often automatic and part of the way we communicate and see ourselves. Whenever this happens, try to be conscious of the words you use, when and how you engage in negative self-talk and how it makes you feel and behave. Are there phrases and words that frequently come up? What is the tone of your self-talk? Is it cold, angry or critical? Does the voice remind you of anyone you encountered in the past? Did they use the same words and tone?
  • With this awareness, make an effort to soften your voice and use more compassionate words and phrases with yourself. If you are dealing with a relationship issue, ask yourself if you really want to handle this, this way or what will be the consequences of saying what you are about to say.
  • Take the time to reframe your language in a more positive, compassionate way. An example of this might be if you were going for a job interview where you might say: “You are nowhere near good enough to get this, why try?” could be turned into “While I might be anxious about the interview, I have prepared well and I will give it my best shot. That is all I can do”. This can be consolidated by physical touch like stroking your arm.
  • Keep a journal to consolidate the above. The above exercise should be done over several weeks and will eventually form the blueprint for changing how you relate to yourself long-term and introduce new, healthier language. Some people find it useful to work on their self-talk by writing in a journal. Others are more comfortable doing it via internal dialogues. If you are someone who likes to write things down and revisit them later, journaling can be an excellent tool for transformation. If you are someone who never manages to be consistent with a journal, then do whatever works for you. You can speak aloud to yourself, or think silently.

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New Tenants

By KW

How long shall your evil thoughts lodge within you?
Jeremiah 4:14 (NKJV)

SWITCH ON YOUR BRAIN

I did a 21-Day Brain Detox Plan from Dr. Caroline Leaf’s book, Switch on Your Brain, where the reader is challenged to take one toxic thought and to then replace it with a healthy thought rooted in truth. I chose to tackle the thought, “I miss porn.” Pornography served as a counterfeit comfort blanket in my life for nearly two decades. Whenever things grew even mildly difficult, I’d run to the altar of pornography to numb any and all pain. Pornography was my drug and I learned rather quickly that choosing the road to recovery meant choosing the crushing cross of withdrawals – a painful period of time where the old fleshly appetites cry out for nourishment as the new nature is strengthened and well fed with the bread of life, God’s word. Seasons of withdrawal at times felt impossible to endure, as true freedom is often accompanied with the price tag of self-sacrifice; addiction felt easier than striving for sexual sobriety. It was only after deciding to abandon porn for good that I found myself hourly contending with the thought, “I miss porn.” Before surrendering to defeat, I reasoned I should at least complete the detox and I’m grateful I did because on Day 20, as I sat with that thought in prayer, Holy Spirit whispered this declaration of hope to my heart:

“This is your eviction notice; make way for new tenants.”

If my mind was like an apartment complex wherein there lived sexually broken images, thoughts, and desires in certain units, the Holy Spirit was inviting me as the landlord of my mind to engage in the act of mental eviction. Eviction is the legal process in which a property owner fights to take back possession of that which already belongs to him. What a parable to those of us recovering from sexual addiction. I imagine the children of Israel marching around the walls of Jericho was a sort of spiritual eviction, seeing as the land of Canaan already belonged to them. Upon their arrival to the promised land, those who remained in Canaan weren’t seen as mere tenants, but trespassers (Josh. 6); the same principle applied to my sexually broken thought-life. Very much in the spirit of eviction, God was charging me to exercise authority in taking back possession of my mind, to endure the process of eviction, and above all to embrace the newness of life.

EXERCISE AUTHORITY

Paul writes that we can take, “every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ,” only the deception of my addiction was that I felt powerless and thus doomed to live the rest of my life a slave to sin. How could I possibly capture the thoughts that once held me captive for so long? Whenever the thought “I miss porn” would come knocking on the door of my heart, the terror of temptation would cancel any ounce of faith I had to actually conquer it and the more I was overcome by the power of my addiction, the less I believed in the power of God to rescue me. While on the detox, I discovered that defeat had given birth to this victim mentality I had, but to remain in self-pity was a choice – one I no longer had to make because through the grace of neuroplasticity, I had the power and authority to choose freedom. Authority is defined as one having the power to give orders, make decisions, or to enforce obedience. Addiction took away my choice, but the the Holy Spirit empowers me to choose life. There’s no denying my brain had been hijacked from the years of addiction, but the truth remained that if I sincerely wanted those thoughts gone, I had the power to evict them. Day by day I could reverse all the brain damage I’d incurred from my addiction by even replacing the thought, “I miss porn,” with, “I reject that thought.” God was asking me the question He’d posed to the children of Israel, “How long shall your evil thoughts lodge within you?” The decision was mine – to either grant those thoughts permission to stay, or to exercise authority in ordering my brain to make new and healthier decisions, while also disciplining my body in making it “my slave.”

ENDURING THE PROCESS

Most landlords agree eviction should be a last resort due to how complicated and stressful the process can be, but when a tenant refuses to leave, eviction is the only option and no matter how long the process takes, the property is eventually restored. Likewise, recovery was an excruciatingly painful process for me, having to endure the mental anguish of withdrawals, sleepless nights, countless tears and fits of depression, having rigorous accountability, and having to actually face life’s issues without escaping to porn. Much of my recovery though was hindered when I insisted there was an easier and quicker path to sobriety apart from the hard work of mind renewal. I wanted the promise of freedom without the process of cleansing. I tried implementing accountability software and putting filters on all of my electronics, and even purchased a flip phone, thinking these outer measures would evict porn. I learned that outward conformity would never produce sustainable sobriety apart from inward transformation. Every relapse and failed attempt to conquer this giant only reinforced the lie that I was forever a slave to porn. Submitting to God’s process of honesty, humility, forgiveness, counseling and support groups, while also resisting the temptation to despair and ultimately surrender to my addiction, meant the enemy had to vacate the premises of my mind – it was only a matter of time.

EMBRACING NEWNESS

There were years I couldn’t imagine my life without porn, especially when I was single. But even after I got married and had the option of engaging in healthy sexual intimacy, sex with my wife couldn’t compare with the exhilarating rush of dopamine my brain experienced while using porn; simply put, porn was “better.” I felt like the Israelites who while journeying through the wilderness started to long for their old life back in Egypt. Wilderness was painful, plus Egypt had “better food,” and even though God miraculously sent manna from heaven, the Israelites replied like I did with, “what is it?” I had developed such a strong bond with computer screens using porn, that learning how to connect with a real human was quite the challenge. I discovered porn wasn’t more fulfilling than sex but more familiar; sex in marriage wasn’t negative, just new. However, embracing Christ means embracing newness, which is a nice sentiment in theory, but the reality of newness in Christ requires nothing less than the death to self and the old man. Romans 6:4 says we’re, “buried with Him through baptism into His death, in order that just as Christ was raised from the dead, we also might walk in the newness of life.” I found addiction most predictable – an endless cycle of hope, effort, defeat, and shame. There was nothing new about a relapse, only I was getting older. Addiction had become my identity and the toxic thoughts attached to my negative self-perception outnumbered God’s thoughts about me without rival. Even more than newness in sexuality, embracing the truth that, “sin no longer had dominion over me,” and that a life of freedom from porn was actually attainable proved most difficult. Walking by sight was easy; embracing a reality that I couldn’t yet see was new.

NEW TENANTS

When I started the 21-Day Brain Detox, I was convinced that the only tenant in need of evicting was porn, but sexual brokenness doesn’t fly solo. Evicting porn from my life made space for Christ to enter my heart and mind with the light of His love, illuminating all the other toxic tenants in need of evicting like self-loathing, shame, insecurity, pride, comparison, and unforgiveness to name a few. By God’s grace, I can now testify that the old tenants that once dominated my mind have now been permanently replaced by the new tenants of power, love, and a sound mind. I confess that the old thoughts occasionally knock on the door of my heart, trying to intimidate me with the fear of relapse, but sin isn’t the only knock at the door. If you’re reading these words feeling overwhelmed by the taunting knocks of sin and temptation at your mind’s door, hear the words of Revelation 3:20, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.” Will you invite Christ to be your new tenant?

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Excusable

Originally posted at: http://www.theresstillhope.org

Addicts are funny. We have mastered the science of justification for just about any behavior. Our middle circle behaviors are written mostly in pencil, not ink. And it’s true – there are things we can “get away with” that don’t break our sobriety. They are acceptable. But not smart.

G.K. Chesterton said, “We do not differ much in what we call evil, but in what we call excusable.” 

Paul said, “I have the right to do anything, but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12). 

Let me suggest a few things that you may find excusable, but that you might be better off without.

  • Watching R-rated movies
  • Certain social media
  • Googling info on attractive actresses or news anchors
  • Walking your dog past a certain home
  • Having personal conversations with the opposite sex
  • Texting the opposite sex about personal matters

Recovery Step: Write a list of things you might find excusable, but that are unwise. And while you’re at it, you might as well write it in ink.

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Enmeshment Means Codependents Lose Themselves

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/enmeshment-means-codependents-lose-themselves/

Codependency is not something you can take a pill for. It is not something that you can quickly shed like a winter jacket. Codependency is an issue that starts early in life and will continue until an awareness and will is found to change things. This will needs to be found because enmeshment is something that codependents frequently use to feel secure in a relationship. Recovery from codependency means in effect that a “new” person needs to be found. One that is confident and secure in their own skin. More on that later. First, let’s look at enmeshment and what it means.

Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other’s emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other person does as well. A good example of this is when one partner gets anxious and depressed and the other in turn, gets anxious and depressed. When they are enmeshed, one is not able to separate their emotional experience from that of the other.  

Enmeshment is a term mostly associated with family therapy and therapists often talk of the “enmeshed family” where there is a clear inappropriate involvement in each other’s lives and emotions are mirrored. It mostly occurs between parent and child and makes it hard for the child to become emotionally independent, instead feeling that the parent’s feelings are more important. This leads to codependency in adult relationship. The causes of family enmeshment are varied and could come from overprotection of the child after illness or a traumatic event. More often, it is generational due to family patterns being passed down and family boundaries being too fluid or too rigid. Often parents find it hard to let their children become independent and the parenting style is designed to keep the children close.

Enmeshment in relationships can happen between romantic partners (usually in codependent relationships), family members, friends, siblings as well as parents and children. It is in the area of codependency where I have seen it the most where codependents “lose” themselves in a relationship by mirroring the moods and decisions sensed from the other person.

“Healthy relationships are built on healthy emotional and physical boundaries,” explains Debra Roberts a licensed clinical social worker and communication expert. “People in healthy relationships are emotionally bonded, but they can function independently of each other. For example, they enjoy time alone and independent time with close friends. Someone in an enmeshed relationship is overly connected and needs to meet the other person’s needs so badly that they lose touch with their own needs, goals, desires, and feelings,” explains Roberts. “Often, just the thought of being without the person can be anxiety-producing.”

This quote describes many codependents I have come across who throw everything at “the one” to ensure the relationship continues, losing the sense of their own needs at the same time. Codependents would generally not do anything without the approval of their partner and for them it is all “we” and not “me”. They also find it hard to have friendships outside of the relationship and friends tend to be “our” friends.

Sometimes, in romantic relationships, one person will put their partner on a pedestal and think their needs and feelings are more important than their own. They become emotionally overwhelmed when their partner is upset and they respond as if the emotion or situation is happening directly to them. They cannot relax until their partner is “OK”.

In the case of codependents, enmeshment with others means a line has been crossed. Not only is there an abandonment of Self but the other person is taught to abandon themselves as well. When the pain and emotions of others are taken on, we allow the other to lean on us in unhealthy ways, when there should be more focus on moving forward in their lives by becoming more responsible for how they think and what they do. This is a codependent’s dream situation and difficult to solve as they actively look for enmeshment.

What can be done about this when a codependent happily seeks enmeshment to feel worthy and part of something. The first step is awareness and this often comes for codependents from the outside, either a family member, friend or therapist recognising the issue or in the aftermath of a break up. As enmeshment is all about porous boundaries, the obvious solution to the problem is to learn to set and maintain them, something that with most codependents needs practice and support. Unfortunately, the kind of people that codependents become involved with are the kind that do not accept boundaries generally. Mostly, recovery from enmeshment in a romantic relationship might mean leaving the relationship to allow change to happen.

This change will not come overnight as it means learning new healthy ways of connecting with others, boundaries and relationship values for the first time. Enmeshment might also have taken a toll on self-esteem, sense of independence and general mental health.

It is hard work but valuable work.

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Keep Swinging

originally posted at: https://www.theresstillhope.org/

A reporter landed a rare interview with an aging Ted Williams. They were discussing the current state of hitting in the Major Leagues. The reporter asked Williams, widely considered the greatest hitter in history, how well he would hit against the current crop of pitchers.

“I’d hit about .280,” said Williams.

Reporter: “Just .280? You wouldn’t hit any better than that?”

Williams: “You have to understand, I’m 75 years old now.”

No one who ever saw Williams hit would doubt his ability to hit late in life. One reason for that was that even though he retired as a professional hitter in 1960, he kept swinging the bat – as a hitting instructor and as the first manager of the Texas Rangers. 

That’s the key to successful recovery. When times are hard, keep swinging. When you have just struck out, keep swinging. When you feel like quitting, keep swinging.

Recovery Step: God promises, “Even in your old age, I am God, and I will carry you” (Isaiah 46:4). So stay in the game. Keep swinging.