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A Pastor’s Struggle With Sex and Porn Addiction

A Pastor’s Struggle With Sex and Porn Addiction
by Michael John Cusick
Posted: 09/21/2012  7:16 am

I’ve been counseling men with pornography and sex addictions for more than 20 years. Before that, I was one of them.

In my line of work, barely a day goes by that I don’t hear a story about a man or woman who has lost something dear — their marriage, family relationships, job, ministry, reputation, self-respect — because of pornography. Of course, when we experience such loss, it also affects spouses, children, friends, congregations and communities. Everyone loses when it comes to porn.

It’s tempting to think that there’s nothing wrong with a porn habit — that no one gets hurt. We think we’re protecting our spouse by not telling them. We think we’re providing ourselves with a respite from a stressful day. No matter how we justify or rationalize it, in two decades of counseling, not one (person) has told me that pornography made them a better husband, wife, father, parent, employee or friend.

My own addiction to porn and illicit sex began in high school, and held me firmly in its grip for decades. No matter how close I came to getting caught, I always managed to jump in the manure and come out smelling like a rose. While working in church ministry in my mid-20s, my addiction was nearly exposed in a newspaper story about a raid on an escort service. But even that didn’t lead to change. I might stop for a time, vow to mend my ways, tear up my porn magazines, but eventually the insatiable urge would return.

On a cold winter night in 1994, obsessed with my next fix, I began my typical ritual of acting out sexually. I sat in a familiar parking lot of a XXX bookstore, unusually troubled by the routine I was about to perform even though I had carried it out too many times to count. I had a beautiful wife at home, but she was the last thing on my mind.

Less than a block from the porn shop sat a century-old cathedral. Without warning, an impulse to set foot in that house of worship overwhelmed me. I walked toward the edifice, hiked the tall steps and opened the monolithic oak doors.  I sat in the back row of pews. The silence was terrifying. In that space, I reconnected with something I had lost — my true self. The part of me that wanted more than compulsion, shame and despair.

That evening was the beginning of the end. Only a few months later, my wife caught me in a lie, and my double life was completely exposed. It was the worst day of my life. The truth of my actions unleashed a tsunami of pain and betrayal upon her. She was in shock, confused and angry. I slept on the floor that night — and many nights following — as she cried herself to sleep behind a locked bedroom door.

It was also the best day of my life. Though I was shattered, it was the day I finally understood Jesus’ words recorded in the gospel of John: the truth shall set you free. With nothing to hide anymore, my failure, infidelity and brokenness became a life preserver lifting me out of an ocean of shame and isolation onto the solid ground of recovery and healing.

Eighteen years later, my greatest failure has become my greatest gift. I am married to the same woman and today we enjoy a life I couldn’t have imagined.

My message to those who are in the snares of sexual compulsion is two-fold. First, you can be free and whole. Trying to manage and white knuckle this issue is not as good as it gets. Others have walked a trusted path to healing and recovery, you can too. Start by deciding you will come out of the shadows and into the light. Talk with a friend, professional counselor or Twelve-Step Group like Sex Addicts Anonymous.

Second, sexual compulsions are not actually about sex. Almost a century ago, G.K. Chesterton wrote that the man who knocks on the brothel door is knocking for God. If he were writing today, he might say that the man who surfs online for porn is surfing for God. Consider what the Apostle Paul wrote in Corinthians that “sex is more than mere skin on skin. It is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact” (1 Corinthians 6:16, MSG).

Beyond bodies seeking and experiencing sexual pleasure, all of us reach toward some spiritual mystery we cannot see, touch or comprehend physically. Maybe this is why we describe great sex as “spiritual” and utter “Oh God!” during climax. To deny the spiritual hunger hidden within the sexual impulse is to set ourselves up for a never-ending cycle that only leads to desperation, despair and bondage.

God is not mad at you if you are struggling with sexual compulsion. In fact, that secret, hidden place of your greatest struggle, failure or shame is exactly where God wants to meet you and give you a great gift. I should know. It happened to me.

Michael John Cusick is the author of “Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle” (Thomas Nelson, Inc.). An ordained minister, spiritual director and Licensed Professional Counselor, he is the founder of Restoring the Soul, a ministry providing soul care to Christian leaders. Michael currently serves as an adjunct professor at Denver Seminary. He holds an M.A. in Biblical Counseling from Colorado Christian University and an M.A. from the College of Education at the University of Denver. Michael lives with his wife, Julianne, and two children, in Littleton, Colorado.

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Internalizing Serenity

by AR, aka Llama Boy

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Sexual addiction is a common source of instability in many aspects of our lives, and in all honesty, it’s mostly self-inflicted chaos that we are dealing with. Due to our unhealthy mechanisms of dealing with our emotions, we create these problems that we find ourselves in situations having to perpetuate the cycle of lying, deceit, and immoral sexual activity.

In this article, we’re going to take the Serenity Prayer, move it past the realm of recitation in the beginning of a support meeting, and into internalizing it into our daily lives. We’re going to do this but breaking it down into three separate parts.

  1. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”

This is where most addicts get stuck. While we are in a spiral out of control, we cannot seem to accept or even discern what we cannot change. It’s when we refuse to accept the reality of what we are facing that we then act out of our emotions irrationally trying to control a situation that is most certainly out of our hands. If we can begin to have the awareness to identify what we can’t control, we can begin to lessen the effects of uncontrollable circumstances on our well being. Here are a few examples of things we cannot control, but are not limited to these things:

  • Our spouses emotions.
  • Our children’s decisions.
  • The perception others have of us.
  • The expectations we have from our employers.
  • Friends backstabbing us.
  • Decisions that are made without our consultation.

This list can be used as a simple tool to help get your mind to start discerning between what isn’t in your control.

  • “The courage to change the things that I can.”

I believe this is the easiest part of recovery, but it’s made to be more complex because of our justification of our poor behaviors. It’s safe to say that if we made the right decisions in our lives, that we wouldn’t find ourselves in situations having to lie or cover up any of our habits. If we had just faced the addiction head on from the beginning, we could have saved ourselves from having to do the work of restoration and mending relationships that we so badly damaged. All it takes is courage. All it takes seeing past the fear the enemy clouds our judgment with and taking action. When Moses sent men to scout the land of Canaan, the men came back paralyzed by the fear of what they thought would happen, that it stopped them from entering into God’s promised land. We must not use the term “powerless to our addiction” as a crutch to not take appropriate action in situations we clearly have control over. How often do we find ourselves not having the courage because of fear of rejection? Or punishment?

Here is a list of things that we can change, and all we need is the courage to do so:

  • Our lies. We can choose to tell the truth.
  • The way we react to negative or uncomfortable situations.
  • Shutting off the device because we’re so tempted by pornography.
  • The words we choose to say to others, and how we tolerate their behavior.
  • We control our boundaries and how we uphold those boundaries.
  • Asking for help when we find ourselves slip or relapse into inner circle behaviors.
  • Relying on God. Which seems to be easier said than done, but we fully control the amount of dependence we have on Him.

A friend of mine shared these wise words to me, “It’s not about what you did or didn’t do in the past. It’s all about what you’re going to do next.” That should be the framework of how we approach courage to change things that we can.

  • “The wisdom to know the difference.”

This part of the prayer is my favorite part. It shows our willingness to allow God to hold a mirror to our character and become so self aware of what we can and cannot control in our lives. It’s submitting to God that we are beings given the freedom to choose what we will do with the life He gave us. We must learn to accept this wisdom by working the steps and digging deep into the layers of who we are to understand ourselves better. The more we become self aware, the more we can live in a state of serenity where we can accept uncontrollable situations and choose to respond to it in healthy ways that are constructive to those around us, healthy to ourselves, and most importantly honoring to God.

My hope is that we learn to take hold of the power behind the Serenity Prayer in our daily lives. Through the Serenity Prayer, we can live peacefully in the present moment, not anxiously in the future, or regrettably in the past.

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Do You Struggle with Sexual Purity?

One of the issues I come across in this ministry is speaking to men not in support, accountability, or recovery groups about sexual purity and the struggle.  Many men say to me that they don’t have a problem with sexual purity, that everything is “Ok” or that they don’t need a support group for their sexual purity issues.

So how does a man, not in a support group, recovery, or accountability group know whether they are sexually pure or have a struggle with maintaining sexual purity?  I’ve listed some activities that may seem normal (thanks to today’s mainstream society and the sexualization of America) to these men, but in reality are signs that sexual immorality is in your heart, mind, and soul.  We can all strive to be like Joseph when tempted by Potiphar’s wife (illustration to the right) but we need support and accountability along the way!

Here are some questions for you to ask yourself.  Or better yet, have someone you trust ask you these questions.  Be as honest as possible!

Do I look around at women in public places, taking second and third looks at an attractive woman?

Do I wish I could be with the attractive woman I just saw in public, either in a relationship or sexually?

Do I imagine myself being with women I see in public, either in a relationship or sexually?

Do I think of or fantasize about an attractive woman I saw earlier, either when I am alone or with others?

Do I look at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?

Do I make excuses to look at the SI swimsuit issue such as, I’m reading up on the latest sports or on my team?

Do I look through “fitness” magazines in order to look at the women in workout outfits?

Do I rationalize looking at “fitness” magazines saying I’m reading up on the latest workout/fitness trends?

Do I look through “Hot Rod”, “Maxim”, or other “Male Publications” and focus on the models in bikinis or suggestive outfits?

Do I look through women’s clothing catalogs?

Do I look through the Victoria’s Secret catalog?

Do I look through fashion magazines in order to look at the women who might wear seductive outfits or even appear nude?

Do I stare at billboards along the road as I drive and fantasize about the woman on the billboard?

Do I look over at other attractive female drivers and linger on them until I pass them by?

Do I purposely speed up or slow down in order to get alongside an attractive female driver on the road?

Do I purposely eat at restaurants where the waitresses wear skimpy outfits?

Do I visit websites that have photos of clothed models, either fully clothed or in swimsuits?

Do I visit message forums that post photos of models?

Do I visit social networking sites and look through the photos of attractive females on the sites?

Do I purposely walk by the lingerie or women’s underwear section of store without my wife present?

While in public, do I purposely change my course, or even set my course, because I see an attractive woman and want to walk by her?

The above questions are less-obvious examples of a struggle with maintaining sexual purity.  If you answered “YES” to ANY of the above questions, you need to look into a support or accountability group.  The questions below are more telling of a problem with maintaining sexual purity.

Do I watch sexually suggestive television shows, including reality shows, sitcoms, cable and non-cable TV shows?

Do I watch sexually suggestive commercials on TV?

Do I watch sexually suggestive movies such as American Pie type of movies?

Do I listen to sexually suggestive music or watch sexually suggestive music videos?

Do I watch sexually suggestive online videos or videos of girls in underwear or swimsuits?

Do I watch rated “R” movies that contain nudity alone or with my wife?  And if so, do I look at the nudity when it appears?

Do I watch sexually suggestive movies and the nudity while alone?

If you answered YES to the preceding questions, then I strongly recommend you get into a support group before you go too far.  The questions below are definite signs of a struggle with maintaining sexual purity.

Do I fantasize about or lust after other women while being physically sexual intimate with my wife?

Do I masturbate outside of physical sexual intimacy with my wife?

Do I engage in any sex outside of my marriage?

Do I look at “soft porn” magazines, videos, or internet sites that contain some sexual content or nudity?

Do I look at pornographic magazines, videos, or internet sites that contain full nudity or hardcore sexual material?

Do I surf the internet for pornography or try to circumvent any installed internet filters?

Do I surf the internet wanting to report sites not blocked by filters?

Do I visit sexually oriented business such as strip clubs, video stores, massage parlors?

Do I engage in sexually acting out with anonymous sex partners?

Do I engage in having a sexual or non-sexual affair?

Do I visit prostitutes, call girls, etc…?

Do I take extreme risks (being caught by police, public exposure, illegal activities) when acting out?

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above questions, you are in definite and immediate need of a sexual purity support and recovery group as well as counseling for your intimacy disorder which may an addiction.

Regardless at what level of sexual purity you might struggle, please be courageous enough to seek immediate help, either in a support, recovery, accountability group, or with a trained professional therapist!  Do it now, before it is too late!

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Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 4

(Originally posted in 2012)

In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 1 I openly discussed the issue with excessive lustful thoughts and self-gratification (masturbation).  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 2 I go one level deeper into the viewing of pornography and its effects on the brain and how an addiction can quickly form.  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 3, I went further “down the scale” of sexual purity and looked at situations where a man has crossed the “flesh line” so to speak.  In Part 4, I address the topic question and also address the partners of men who struggle with sexual purity issues.

Question:  Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery, Is it for you?

Answer: ABSOLUTELY!

Regardless of what stage of sexual impurity you might be in as a man, entering a proper support program is essential!

FOR THE WIVES/PARTNERS:

Question: Does my husband/partner struggle with sexual purity issues?

Answer: As a man, there is a strong possibility he does.

Remember the therapist joke in Part 1?  “80% of men struggle with some sort of sexual purity issue and the 20% that say they do not, are lying.” There is a lot of truth to this “joke.”

In today’s sex-charged culture, more and more men are being tempted sexually.  Next time you are at the grocery store, look at the cover or inside the magazines marketed toward men.  Watch a sporting event on TV and you can see how advertisers “know” how to grab a man’s attention! How about the increase in “Sports Bars & Grills” where waitresses wear skimpy outfits?  Who do you think is their target market group? (And men, these types of restaurants are NOT ok.  If you visit one of these restaurants, it had better be your wife’s choice and you better be facing out the window!)    The objectification of women has been normalized in our culture!

Please understand, however, that the amount of sexual purity with which your husband will struggle will vary.  It may only be a struggle with lustful thoughts and fantasies, but it could also be a lot more.  The key is, to allow your husband to seek support for any sexual purity issues he may have in his life.  If he only struggles with “minor” lustful thoughts and actions, it is imperative that he begin receiving support before he moves on to another level of sexual purity struggle!  If he struggles with more, he will find the help and support he needs to become courageous enough to step out of the shadows and into the light.

Ladies, DO NOT shame your husband because he is seeking help with his sexual purity struggles!  It takes a lot more courage to open up and say, “I might have a problem” than to keep it a secret and act as if nothing is wrong.

Ladies, ask your husband if he struggles with any type of sexual purity.  His answer, at a minimum, better be “sometimes or once in a while” even if he does not look at pornography or has had sex outside the marriage!  If he responds, “NO or Not at all” then he is not being truly honest.  And yes, having lustful thoughts is considered a sexual purity struggle.

Ladies, be open and honest about sexuality with your husband.  Don’t shame him for wanting to be sexual with you (and husbands, don’t shame your wife because she doesn’t).  Open a dialog about both of your thoughts and feelings on sex within the marriage.  If there are extreme differences, then a third party (such as a pastor or counselor) should be brought in to mediate, ascertain, and give godly advice to both of you.

Ladies, if your husband plans to attend a Castimonia meeting, DO NOT assume he is visiting sexually oriented businesses, viewing pornography, masturbating, having an affair, or is a “Sex Addict.”  Understand that Castimonia meetings are for any man that struggles with any type of sexual purity!  You, the wife, should encourage your husband to attend.

At Castimonia meetings we learn tools that help us combat sexual purity issues.  We learn about what real intimacy is between a husband and wife – not just physical, but, more importantly, emotional and spiritual intimacy.   We learn to be open, honest, and intimate with other men and use these men to support us in our battle against sexual temptation and sexual impurity.  We learn to be a “team” of warriors and not isolate ourselves.  This is where the enemy wants us; alone!

So next time a Castimonia meeting is being held, wives, you need ask your husband, if they have not attended, why they are NOT going to the meeting.  Encourage them to reject passivity on the subject of sexual purity and seek to be the sexually pure men that God wants them to be.  Encourage them to lead courageously and be the spiritual leaders of your household as well as have the courage to speak to your children now or in the future about healthy sexuality.   And encourage them to learn how to be truly intimate and love you in ways that are healthy!