CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

sex addiction

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Happily Remaried

originally posted December 1, 2012

They mocked me on tv. For weeks, I couldn’t escape the news. One man made all of us look ridiculous. Every single one of us in this unfortunate group. One golfer made his sex life news and suddenly every talk-show host, every radio personality, even newspaper columnists became “experts” on what it meant to be married to a sex addict. Questions like, “How did she NOT know?” and accusations like, “She knew the whole time.” were common. And then, even worse, were the jokes that being married to a sex addict should be fun. Well, it’s not fun. And no, we don’t always know. There is a factor of manipulation that is involved with sex addicts. They control. They limit contact. I should know. I was married to one for 6 years.

I thought I was marrying a future pastor, but I couldn’t have been farther from the truth. Within a few months, my first clues about his behavior surfaced. He assured me it was only on the internet and they’d never met in person. I was still bothered greatly, but he promised he’d cut off communication with her. And there’s more. This was the first time he condemned me… attacked me for looking at his things. He made me feel so terrible that *I* apologized to *him*. That’s when the cycle started. Every few months, I’d find more women he was contacting on Craigslist or dating sites. Every time I’d find something, he’d get angry with me until I apologized. You’d think my friends would clue me in to the irrationality of this cycle, but that’s just it. Whenever I’d start getting close to a new friend, he’d come up with a reason why I shouldn’t be friends with them and he’d end the friendship. By this point in our relationship, I was completely manipulated. I believed what he told me because I needed to believe what he told me.

Eventually, I started realizing that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I’d stumble across women he was contacting while he was asking me to fix his computer. He’d get angry at me for stumbling across things, but I wouldn’t apologize. So, he wouldn’t talk to me until I pretended that nothing had happened. This went on for a few more years until I couldn’t pretend and kept insisting that he change. I couldn’t continue to share him with his internet temptations. That’s when he’d threaten to kill himself if I didn’t drop it. So, that worked for him for a bit longer. About five and a half years into our marriage, I discovered that it wasn’t just internet behavior. It had never “just” been internet behavior. My husband had been cheating on me the whole time we’d been together… even before we got married. What followed this discovery was about a month of him admitting to what I found, denying that there was more, me finding more, him admitting to what I found and denying there was more. It was a long cycle and it finally ended when I accepted the fact that I’d never know his “number” because HE couldn’t even keep track of all the women he’d been with while we were married.

So, we moved into the next phase… where to go from there. I found an online recovery program for sex addicts. It had a sister program for spouses/partners of sex addicts. It became my saving grace. God used that program to make me stronger and allow me to rebuild myself. I dropped from 130 to 98 pounds during this time. I didn’t feel a freedom to leave him, but he disgusted me. I wanted out, but I knew that if God could change him, it would be better for my kids, so I told him that I’d stay for now as long as he got help. I couldn’t guarantee that I’d stay forever, but I wanted him to get help. This is the point where people called me weak. They said I was just scared to leave. They said I had no self-respect. But they were wrong. I wasn’t weak. I was strong. If I hadn’t been strong, I’d have run away from him long before. About three months into this new discovery, things became very clear. I was on the phone with him, when he made this statement: “Okay, here’s the deal. I’ll stay with you IF you stop checking behind me to see if I’m cheating.”

And that’s when I knew. He WASN’T going to change. He had no desire to change. And I laughed. I actually laughed. On the phone. With my sex addict husband. I was finally free to leave. There were no regrets. I walked away free and clear with no doubts and no self-blame. And I walked away knowing I did everything I could. So the next time you hear about one of us… the wife of a sex addict, think twice before you joke, belittle and ridicule. Before you call us ignorant or stupid or weak. Think about the strength we have to find just to survive. Think about how hard it must have been for that wife to put on a happy face every day. And give her the respect she deserves.

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The Repentant Prayer of a Sinner

Originally posted November 15, 2012

I read the prayer below on another website and thought I’d share it with y’all.  I’ve used it many times since I first read it!  I hope it helps you as much as it has helped (and is helping) me.

The repentant prayer of a sinner.

Hi Good people, I have been thinking and there are sometimes during the journey to recovery, our sinful nature leads us into temptation. I would like to share a prayer from the deepest part of my heart.

Redemption prayer:
Oh God, why?
Why do I have to go through this again?
How many times will my eyes lead me to fall?
How come my eyes crave for a peep?
Why do I long to get one more touch?
She is someone else’s daughter, sister, mother.
Why do I objectify women, through a weird fetish?
Why am I overcome by evil?
Why Oh God, do I defile my body through my eyes?
Why is sin so sweet, but only for a moment?
I do not want to do this any more,
I surrender the struggle to you,
I repent of lust of the eyes,
I repent of lust of this damned flesh,
I repent of every hint of sexual immorality I have fallen to.
Wash me with the blood of Jesus.
Purify my heart, mind and body.
You are all I need Jesus,
You are my only true satisfaction,
My saviour, my deliver, my Lord.
Oh God, I pray that you teach me,
Teach me your ways,
Teach how to love you more,
Teach me how to hate sin,
Teach me how to hide the word in my heart,
I desire to give you my all,
I make a covenant with my eyes,
Not to look at any woman lustfully,
So please help me God.
The devil and all his ways were defeated on the cross,
Equip me to battle,
Equip me with God’s full armor (Eph 6)
In Jesus name I pray.

Please see this link on real repentance http://www.joncourson.com/teaching/teachingsplay.asp?teaching=S609

By

The Amazing Lie-O-Matic

Originally posted November 10, 2012

I feel every sex addict (and their spouse) should read this article by Dr. Johnson on why addicts lie and why some continue to lie.  This is not an excuse for continued lying, but an understanding why sometimes a lie is the first and only response an addict can give.  In recovery, we must practice rigorous honesty, something we lacked for a majority of our lives.  Progress, not perfection!

The Amazing Lie-O-Matic
(author: A. Michael Johnson, Ph.D. PLLCJ)
04/15/2004

Addicts lie. They lie to maintain their double lives. Maybe some addicts learn to lie just to support their addiction, but usually not. Lying usually begins much earlier. Children learn to lie if their parents and other caregivers are too fragile to handle the truth. They learn the skill of lying to manage the emotions and behavior of their caregivers. They learn to lie to protect themselves from punishment, shame, anger, judgment, and rejection. Those things are toxic caregiver junk. The learning doesn’t happen all at once.

Children start out speaking the truth. It’s the obvious, easy thing to do. If the caregiver loves and accepts the child as the child speaks the truth, regardless of the content of the truth, the child keeps speaking the truth. But if the child gets junk from an adult after speaking the truth, the child begins to lie. Each time a child gets junk after she or he tells the truth, a little bit of learning happens. An alarm begins to develop. The alarm says, “Warning, Warning, Warning -You will get junk for speaking the truth -Warning, Warning, Warning – Protect yourself”. After a while, that response becomes quite automatic. It bypasses the part of the brain that could assess the reality of the situation. The decision to lie becomes automatic. A Lie-O-Matic is installed in the child’s brain.

Why don’t kids just take the toxic shaming caregiver junk? Children and other humans require continuous proof that they will survive right now. For children, the language of that proof is love, acceptance, attention, and evidence that their caregivers know what they are doing. When children get that proof, they feel safe and they tell the truth. But, when they do not get that proof, they feel a bone deep, primal fear that utter annihilation is at hand. Like any other animal, they do what is possible to feel safer. One thing to do to feel safer is to lie. Survival is the fundamental thing – more important than the truth.

There is a danger detector in the Lie-O-Matic. The detector sets off the alarm when the fear of annihilation occurs. The Lie-O-Matic sets its level based on experience. It optimizes protection. Suppose a kid gets junk when she tells the truth about cleaning her room but does not get junk When she tells the truth about doing her homework. The alarm will go off around room cleaning but will not go off around homework. If a kid gets toxic junk when he tells the truth about his feelings, he will come to lie about his feelings. If a kid gets junk for talking about her perceptions, she will come to lie about her perceptions. If the kid has been really, really, scared, more lying will happen. If a kid has been less scared, less lying will happen. The Lie-O-Matic is a clever, sensitive, flexible device.

Like all good alarms, the Lie-O-Matic alarm bypasses unnecessary steps. It operates largely outside of awareness. The alarm triggers the unconsidered decision to lie. The Lie-O-Matic does not prevent the person from being aware that she or he is lying. In fact, the Lie-O-Matic instructs the person to lie. But the content of the lie requires that the person tune into the facts of the situation and use their imagination. That is certainly a conscious process. The Lie-O-Matic does prevent the person from thinking about why he or she is lying. The decision to lie is automatic.

When the Lie-O-Matic is first installed and adjusted it is a subjective truth that the kid will be annihilated by too much caregiver junk. When you are a kid, you think like a kid, feel like a kid, act like a kid, and lie like a kid. As an adult, when the Lie-O-Matic alarm goes off, you again feel like a kid and, so feeling like a kid and with the decision already made, you again lie like a kid. Lying to avoid toxic junk was a good and safe short cut when you were a kid. But now you can use your mature mind and resources to keep you safe. You can no longer be annihilated by what is now phantom caregiver toxic junk. Now the Lie-O-Matic is a problem and a part of the psychological system that supports your addiction. The Lie-O-Matic and its Lie Ability is truly a liability.

Fortunately, the Lie-O-Matic system includes two signals that are detectable and that can be used in a scheme to recover conscious control of the alarm. The first of these signals is the experience of fear. However, faint, the fear that triggers the Lie-O-Matic can be detected by the healthy and mature part of your brain. This part of your brain may need practice learning to detect this signal, but with effort and help, that can be done. The second signal that can be detected is the activation of the fabrication system. The fabrication system constructs the particular lie before it is uttered. It invents new lies, searches the archives for old lies that have worked, or old truths that can be used as lies. It assesses the plausibility and discoverability of lies, and keeps a record, however imperfect, of lies told. One of the delightful aspects of the fabrication system is that it takes time to decide what to do. Lying takes more time than does telling the truth. It is a fairly simple thing to develop a mindful oversight of the fabrication system so that rational, fact-based, mature decisions can replace those mandated by the Lie-O-Matic.

With these two sets of signals in mind, one can make more rational and mature decisions about lying. Often, there are more healing and effective ways to soothe the frightened child within us. Often we can see the harm we do others and ourselves when we choose to lie. Often we can predict the shame we will feel by lying and avoid that shame. Often, we can stay in the truth.

Understanding how you came to be a liar is important because it helps to strengthen your compassion for yourself. You did not learn to lie because you were a bad person. You learned to lie because you were a frightened child protecting himself. That understanding is not a justification for continuing to lie. The understanding helps to remove obstacles to living in the truth. And living in the truth is a central thread in the fabric of recovery.

By

Words to describe your situation when you are;

   In Addiction-                 In Recovery-

               Stressed                                     Honest

               Afraid                                         Forgiven

               Lost                                            Saved

               Sinful                                         Loving

              Ashamed                                   Caring

              Hidden                                       Relaxed

             Untrustworthy                         Happy

              Deceitful                                   Peaceful

              Liar                                            Brave

             Scared                                        Calm

             Foolish                                       Healthy

             Coward                                      Able

             Depressed                                 Wise

             Condemned                            Hopeful

             Self-loathing                             Joyful

             Hiding                                        Confident

                   Which sounds better to you??

D.Ross

In Recovery

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Sex Addiction Deniers: What Makes Them So Mad?

August 14, 2012

Author:  Linda Hatch, Ph.D. 

Original Article

The mere idea of “sex addiction” gets a lot of people angry.  I’m talking here about the writers who rail about the “myth” of sexual addiction and who argue that the whole idea of sex addiction is just a cop-out for the addict and a money making scam for the professionals.

The anatomy of a sex addiction denier

I prefer to see these “deniers,” as I call them, as a part of a larger societal pattern and one that is worthy of study in its own right.

Currently the opposition to the concept of sex addiction comes in two main flavors.

1.  Sex addiction is really just normal behavior.

These men and women have a defensive reaction to the whole field of sex addiction treatment as an attempt to restrain normal sexual freedoms.  Sometimes their blogs and online commentary seem to be jokingly, (nervously?) defending behavior around which they have some unacknowledged shame.  The message is “we all do it and you just think it is ‘sick’ because you are so uptight!”  This is an uninformed bias that seems to resist logic.

2.  Sex addiction is really just irresponsible behavior.

This argument comes from all quarters including some in the scientific community.  It minimizes the seriousness of the problem and the suffering it can cause, and the message is often “you so-called addicts are just behaving badly and you need to take responsibility and shape up!”

This second argument sometimes takes the form that “if sex can be an addiction then anything can,” or “if we let people off by calling it a disease then there’s a slippery slope which will lead to nobody ever taking any responsibility for anything.” (OMG!)

Both of these arguments have the net effect of saying that we shouldn’t medicalize the issue of sexually compulsive behavior and therefore that we shouldn’t actually do anything about it.  See the New York Times Op-Ed for an excellent discussion.

We need to understand the deniers, not condemn them

“Deniers” have always existed in relation to almost every unwelcome phenomenon that has emerged throughout history.  Sometimes they have taken a socially acceptable position which conforms to religious or other dogma and have acted accordingly, as in burning heretics or imprisoning the mentally ill.  In other cases they have simply veered off into crazy-sounding conspiracy theories such as that the 9/11 terrorist attacks were really a government plot or that the holocaust never happened.

These are elaborate attempts to explain or deal with something that is experienced as incomprehensible or intolerable. In this regard they are all defense mechanisms and nowhere more obviously so than in the area of sexual addiction.

Sex addiction deniers are trudging a road well traveled in earlier eras by those who wished to defend themselves against a trend or theory that they found very threatening.  This is especially true in recent history in the evolution of the disease model of mental health. It has been very gradually that the “deadly sins” have been recast as very human psychological afflictions.

Fear and loathing as a developmental phase

Because I believe sex addiction deniers are genuinely reacting to some unconscious fear, I think professionals cannot dismiss them but rather need to understand them.  If we don’t they won’t go away and will keep confusing the public and getting in the way in much the same way that global warming deniers get in the way of protecting the biosphere.

As the superstitions and fears surrounding a social ill begin to dissipate, the issue moves through a predictable sequence in public awareness from demonization to criminalization to medicalization to reintegration.  First the problem, say alcoholism, is a moral failing, then it’s a legal problem, then a medical disease, and finally a larger societal or public health issue.

Leaving aside the issue of illegal sexual behavior, this mans that society’s current approach to sexual addiction is moving beyond demonization and criminalization but has not yet reached medicalization.  This transition to full medicalization will mean the evolution of awareness. This involves dispelling fears, confronting judgmental attitudes, and persuading people to suspend those judgments.  It is up to us to patiently explain.

The information contained in this post is the intellectual property of Dr. Linda Hatch, Ph.D.