Originally posted December 16, 2012
by Samantha Baker
This has come up a lot in my world in the past year. I used to be some what on the fence about it. I kind of felt, what other people do in their marriage is fine…I kind of don’t appreciate it in mine…but…if I don’t really think about it, it’s not there.
But my thinking has changed a lot. And now I’m off the fence and my feet are planted firmly on the ground. My stance, is yes. I believe that pornography can absolutely be destructive to a marriage/relationship.
Now, I know most men feel differently. They don’t see much harm in it, if any at all. Men are more visual. Men need an outlet. Men sometimes, just need it to relieve stress. What’s the harm????
But, there can be just so much harm. Now I get that some women are absolutely fine with it, and some even choose to participate. And kudos to you. But that isn’t a majority of women. I think some women go along with it to please their spouse/SO. I think some feel they need to agree to it, in effort to keep their spouse/SO from cheating (HA!), and some aren’t given a choice. Plainly put, I don’t think many women really are “ok” with porn. Not even the ones performing in it.
For my marriage, it absolutely has been destructive. To the point, that it’s now become a deal breaker. Yes, I know, that’s pretty bold. But, I had to draw my line in the sand, and I have. Because you see, it became an addiction for my husband. One that he still won’t even admit. It came between us. It made it so that there was less closeness and intimacy. It became more about a sexual act than making love. And it has had lasting effects on us. Things that can’t be fixed over night.
When one starts hiding the fact that they are looking at porn on a daily basis, or lying, or covering it up in effort to hide it, it’s gone too far. When they start treating you like an object instead of a whole person that is to be treated with love and respect, it’s gone too far. When one starts to prefer porn to their partner, it’s gone too far. It should have never gotten to those places to begin with.
In my perfectly not so humble opinion, the way to avoid the above? Is to not have it in your life at all. And this is something I have required of my husband now. Because I’ve realized, that for our marriage, there is no middle ground. There is no, well you can look once in awhile. It has to be none at all. Otherwise, it will end my marriage. Because the damage it has already caused is too deep. I can not let it cause any more.