Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group
By Castimonia
In Addiction- In Recovery-
Stressed Honest
Afraid Forgiven
Lost Saved
Sinful Loving
Ashamed Caring
Hidden Relaxed
Untrustworthy Happy
Deceitful Peaceful
Liar Brave
Scared Calm
Foolish Healthy
Coward Able
Depressed Wise
Condemned Hopeful
Self-loathing Joyful
Hiding Confident
Which sounds better to you??
D.Ross
In Recovery
By Castimonia
August 14, 2012
Author: Linda Hatch, Ph.D.
The mere idea of “sex addiction” gets a lot of people angry. I’m talking here about the writers who rail about the “myth” of sexual addiction and who argue that the whole idea of sex addiction is just a cop-out for the addict and a money making scam for the professionals.
The anatomy of a sex addiction denier
I prefer to see these “deniers,” as I call them, as a part of a larger societal pattern and one that is worthy of study in its own right.
Currently the opposition to the concept of sex addiction comes in two main flavors.
1. Sex addiction is really just normal behavior.
These men and women have a defensive reaction to the whole field of sex addiction treatment as an attempt to restrain normal sexual freedoms. Sometimes their blogs and online commentary seem to be jokingly, (nervously?) defending behavior around which they have some unacknowledged shame. The message is “we all do it and you just think it is ‘sick’ because you are so uptight!” This is an uninformed bias that seems to resist logic.
2. Sex addiction is really just irresponsible behavior.
This argument comes from all quarters including some in the scientific community. It minimizes the seriousness of the problem and the suffering it can cause, and the message is often “you so-called addicts are just behaving badly and you need to take responsibility and shape up!”
This second argument sometimes takes the form that “if sex can be an addiction then anything can,” or “if we let people off by calling it a disease then there’s a slippery slope which will lead to nobody ever taking any responsibility for anything.” (OMG!)
Both of these arguments have the net effect of saying that we shouldn’t medicalize the issue of sexually compulsive behavior and therefore that we shouldn’t actually do anything about it. See the New York Times Op-Ed for an excellent discussion.
We need to understand the deniers, not condemn them
“Deniers” have always existed in relation to almost every unwelcome phenomenon that has emerged throughout history. Sometimes they have taken a socially acceptable position which conforms to religious or other dogma and have acted accordingly, as in burning heretics or imprisoning the mentally ill. In other cases they have simply veered off into crazy-sounding conspiracy theories such as that the 9/11 terrorist attacks were really a government plot or that the holocaust never happened.
These are elaborate attempts to explain or deal with something that is experienced as incomprehensible or intolerable. In this regard they are all defense mechanisms and nowhere more obviously so than in the area of sexual addiction.
Sex addiction deniers are trudging a road well traveled in earlier eras by those who wished to defend themselves against a trend or theory that they found very threatening. This is especially true in recent history in the evolution of the disease model of mental health. It has been very gradually that the “deadly sins” have been recast as very human psychological afflictions.
Fear and loathing as a developmental phase
Because I believe sex addiction deniers are genuinely reacting to some unconscious fear, I think professionals cannot dismiss them but rather need to understand them. If we don’t they won’t go away and will keep confusing the public and getting in the way in much the same way that global warming deniers get in the way of protecting the biosphere.
As the superstitions and fears surrounding a social ill begin to dissipate, the issue moves through a predictable sequence in public awareness from demonization to criminalization to medicalization to reintegration. First the problem, say alcoholism, is a moral failing, then it’s a legal problem, then a medical disease, and finally a larger societal or public health issue.
Leaving aside the issue of illegal sexual behavior, this mans that society’s current approach to sexual addiction is moving beyond demonization and criminalization but has not yet reached medicalization. This transition to full medicalization will mean the evolution of awareness. This involves dispelling fears, confronting judgmental attitudes, and persuading people to suspend those judgments. It is up to us to patiently explain.
The information contained in this post is the intellectual property of Dr. Linda Hatch, Ph.D.
By Castimonia
Originally posted on http://www.covenanteyes.com/2012/08/03/for-women-who-struggle
A Letter to Dad (From a Girl Who Got Trapped by Pornography)
Posted on August 3, 2012 by Guest Author
by Jessica Harris
I don’t blame him anymore; for a while, I did. He left, so it was easy to pin everything on him. My anger, insecurity and porn addiction could be traced back to one man—the man who left this daddy’s girl without a dad. The years have helped me see my choices are my own, just as his were his own. But things might have been different if he had never left.
I thought I was fine without a dad, but five years ago, God brought a ‘second dad’ into my life. This man and his wife took me into their hearts as one of their own. He avidly pursued my healing and restoration. Having gone through that experience, I think I speak for every daughter when I say, “Dad, we need you.”
There is something unique and incredibly powerful about the love between a father and daughter. When I talk with women who struggle with pornography, or even women in the porn industry, many (though not all) speak of having an absent father. It was not always divorce or a single-parent home. Sometimes dad was there but just not involved—too wrapped up in his job or even his ministry to take the time needed to nurture his daughter’s heart.
If a dad is disconnected, it leaves that little girl searching to fill that void. Yes, we could turn to God, but in a society full of sexed-up men and empowered women, it is far easier to run to lust. It is not enough to simply live in the same house. Your daughter needs your presence more than she needs you present.
So, how can you protect her from pornography and lust in a world that is out to conquer, destroy and use her?
Be…
Godly. You are her gateway to understanding God as a Heavenly Father. The way you treat her colors her view of how God views her. Paint the clearest picture of Him that you can. Hint: you’ll probably need His help.
Overtly-Protective. Overtly means to be obvious. Think of it as mirroring God’s jealous love. She is your daughter; protect her and be obvious about it. Yes, guard what she sees on TV, what she does on her phone or on the computer, but also protect her heart.
Determined. Your daughter is living in the middle of a world that is determined to get her. There are men in her life determined to wear down on her morality. There are women in her life determined to stretch her boundaries. Sin is actively pursuing your daughter’s heart. You need to be purposeful in keeping it.
Sexually pure. By all means, love your wife; the world needs good godly marriages, but please, ditch the porn. Boys will not be boys, and it is not OK. If you view women as objects for your desire, that is how you will treat them. You cannot protect her from pornography and lust if you are the one letting it into the house.
Her Hero. When’s the last time you rescued her? This is a lot easier to do with younger girls. All it takes is a cardboard sword to be her knight in shining armor. When they get older, it involves changing a flat in the pouring rain or purposefully rescuing her from a bad day at work. She needs to know you are there for her and that she matters to you.
Engaged. It’s not being nosy; it’s love. Know what’s going on in her life. Put away the laptop, ministry notes, office transcripts, tool box, golf clubs, and hunting gear long enough to know your daughter. Know what she knows. Know her friends and be aware of situations where temptation may come.
Approachable. What if she messes up, dad? Are you someone she is comfortable approaching or would you fly off the handle? If she is afraid to ask for help, she will retreat and often turn to things like fantasy or erotica in order to escape. Be approachable; pray with her. Show her what it looks like to turn to God in our times of need, because He is always approachable.
Real. This may seem bizarre but porn offers false connections—a false reality. Porn is full of ‘perfect people.’ She needs real people, not perfect people. My friend Matt Fradd just released a DVD on being a real man. Real men do not necessarily cry, and they do not actually have to wear pink. Real men love the Lord and embrace His calling on their lives. They experience failure, joy, pain, sorrow, victory, loss, hope—humanity. Let her see how you handle the reality of life.
The man you want her to marry. Many of you just cracked out the shotgun and said, “No one is coming anywhere near my baby girl!” Chances are some man will win her heart. Whether good or bad, she will likely end up marrying someone like you. Be the kind of man you want her to marry.
It isn’t a foolproof formula, because we live in a fallen world. There are women who have fallen to porn while growing up in great Christian homes with a loving Christian father. They fell just because. ‘Just because’ does not happen much, but if ‘just because’ does happen, you want to be the father that can help rescue his little girl from pornography. Do not give up on her, Dad. Do not ever believe that she is in the clear. Never walk away. As long as she is your little girl, she is going to need you.
By Castimonia
Originally posted 9/20/2012
This is an unfortunate event/statement that most, if not all parents (in today’s sexualized American culture) will make. The key is how we, as parents, respond to the issue of our children either being exposed to pornography or purposely viewing pornography. Below are some recommended points for us to follow when that day comes.
1. Control Your Anger
Being angry is ok, it’s what we do with that anger that defines us. Be angry at the pornography, not your child. Statistics show that 93% of boys and 62% of girls will be exposed to pornography before the age of 18. It is not a question of “if” your child will be exposed to porn, but “when” your child is exposed to porn.
2. Go after their Heart, not their Behavior
Try to get to the root of the issue, your child’s heart. Don’t condemn their behavior, but try to help them figure out why they looked at pornography in the first place. Have compassion on your child and understand that our culture is so sexualized that it is nearly impossible to shield them from pornography.
3. Keep a Discussion Going about Sex
What a better way to start discussing sex and true intimacy than to have the door slammed open with discovery of your child’s viewing of pornography. This may not be the preferred method, but God can use this to open that “sex talk” door that many parents dread. Keep openly discussing healthy sexuality with your child. Hopefully, with trust and time, they will come to you for advice, not their friends or the internet.
4. Examine Your Own Heart
Parents, you will not be able to teach your child about healthy sexuality if you yourself are not practicing what you preach! Fathers, God will not be able fully work through you to help your child if you are engaging in sexually immoral behavior. Also, God may use your child’s struggle with pornography to help you examine your own sexual behaviors. Use this time to come to Christ for forgiveness and live in His grace. We are not perfect, but let God work through us to help our children by keeping our own hearts pure.
5. Blocking the Doors
Take steps place restrictions on TV, Internet, Movies, etc… This may mean you are forced to install an “unwanted” filter on all of your computers and internet-ready devices. Don’t look at filters negatively and lie to yourself by saying “my child would never purposely look at pornography, or my spouse isn’t tempted to look at porn.” Be proactive! If filters have not been previously installed, then do so now.
6. Don’t Let Up nor Give Up
Don’t stop talking to your kids about healthy sexuality and don’t give up on supervising your children after you think you’ve failed at protecting them from pornography. God can use what the enemy meant for evil for His good purpose. Use this opportunity to grow together and engage your children. Keep asking them questions on purity, check the filters, check the websites, phones, etc… Don’t think the battle is over because you had one talk about the subject.
The above points were taken from the PDF file linked below from the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding (CPYU). Please take the time to read the entire PDF as it has a tremendous amount of information for you to use in engaging your children on the issues of pornography! Also, please visit www.cpyu.org for more information on today’s youth culture.
My Kids Have Looked At Porn – PDF
A copy of the above PDF can be found under the Castimonia resources tab.
By Castimonia
by AR, aka Llama Boy
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Sexual addiction is a common source of instability in many aspects of our lives, and in all honesty, it’s mostly self-inflicted chaos that we are dealing with. Due to our unhealthy mechanisms of dealing with our emotions, we create these problems that we find ourselves in situations having to perpetuate the cycle of lying, deceit, and immoral sexual activity.
In this article, we’re going to take the Serenity Prayer, move it past the realm of recitation in the beginning of a support meeting, and into internalizing it into our daily lives. We’re going to do this but breaking it down into three separate parts.
This is where most addicts get stuck. While we are in a spiral out of control, we cannot seem to accept or even discern what we cannot change. It’s when we refuse to accept the reality of what we are facing that we then act out of our emotions irrationally trying to control a situation that is most certainly out of our hands. If we can begin to have the awareness to identify what we can’t control, we can begin to lessen the effects of uncontrollable circumstances on our well being. Here are a few examples of things we cannot control, but are not limited to these things:
This list can be used as a simple tool to help get your mind to start discerning between what isn’t in your control.
I believe this is the easiest part of recovery, but it’s made to be more complex because of our justification of our poor behaviors. It’s safe to say that if we made the right decisions in our lives, that we wouldn’t find ourselves in situations having to lie or cover up any of our habits. If we had just faced the addiction head on from the beginning, we could have saved ourselves from having to do the work of restoration and mending relationships that we so badly damaged. All it takes is courage. All it takes seeing past the fear the enemy clouds our judgment with and taking action. When Moses sent men to scout the land of Canaan, the men came back paralyzed by the fear of what they thought would happen, that it stopped them from entering into God’s promised land. We must not use the term “powerless to our addiction” as a crutch to not take appropriate action in situations we clearly have control over. How often do we find ourselves not having the courage because of fear of rejection? Or punishment?
Here is a list of things that we can change, and all we need is the courage to do so:
A friend of mine shared these wise words to me, “It’s not about what you did or didn’t do in the past. It’s all about what you’re going to do next.” That should be the framework of how we approach courage to change things that we can.
This part of the prayer is my favorite part. It shows our willingness to allow God to hold a mirror to our character and become so self aware of what we can and cannot control in our lives. It’s submitting to God that we are beings given the freedom to choose what we will do with the life He gave us. We must learn to accept this wisdom by working the steps and digging deep into the layers of who we are to understand ourselves better. The more we become self aware, the more we can live in a state of serenity where we can accept uncontrollable situations and choose to respond to it in healthy ways that are constructive to those around us, healthy to ourselves, and most importantly honoring to God.
My hope is that we learn to take hold of the power behind the Serenity Prayer in our daily lives. Through the Serenity Prayer, we can live peacefully in the present moment, not anxiously in the future, or regrettably in the past.
This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.
