CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

recovery

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Reminder – NEW STEP Group Starting in May

Our founder, Jorge, will be leading his eighth step study group starting in May.

The group lasts for about 12 months and you will go through all the steps including the pre-step and post-step work in the Castimonia book. 

They will meet every week on Saturday mornings from 8:00am to 9:55am before the 10am Saturday Castimonia meeting in Katy. There is no cost to join the group but you must purchase a copy of the Castimonia book.  Out of town guests will be able to use Zoom to join the group if they cannot attend in person. Houston-area members will need to attend in person.

This group takes a strong, long term commitment and is great for those ready to work the steps and have the Lord change their lives.

Please have any interested individuals contact Jorge at jorge@castimonia.org.

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What Might Have Been: The Most Painful Love Story of All

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/what-might-have-been-the-most-painful-love-story-of-all/

By Dr. Nicholas Jenner

There are few experiences more powerful than the sense of “what might have been”. It’s the lingering sense that something truly meaningful, truly life changing slipped through our fingers to be lost forever. A connection that never grew, a potential relationship that never had the chance to become real. It’s not the sharp pain of heartbreak associated with breakups, but a slow, lingering wondering of what could have been if fear hadn’t got in the way. 

So many people will resonate with that feeling and know it all too well. Two people meet and there is something undeniable between them, chemistry, ease, compatibility and a mutual recognition that this could be something special if worked through. There is a magnetic pull that feels exciting and unsettling at the same time. Yet, despite this, one or both hold back. They retreat into safety, convincing themselves that it is “not the right time” or that “caution is better” or “it wouldn’t work anyway”. 

However, on a deeper level, it isn’t about timing, circumstance or location, it’s about fear and fear alone. Fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of being seen and known, fear of opening up and being vulnerable and fear of history repeating itself. It’s the fear that past experiences will come back to haunt us and we should steer clear. 

Fear sabotages and it goes about it’s business in a quiet way. It doesn’t scream in our ears, it whispers quiet logic at us. It tells us to wait, to think about it, to be “realistic”. It parades itself as “wisdom”, but more often, it is self-protection. Our mind will start to build stories to consolidate this narrative and promote distance. “ they can’t be really feeling the same”, “It’s not practical due to (this or that), “ there is an age difference or they live too far away”, “ it’s not the right time”. Woven amongst these stories is usually an older pain coming up. A fear of abandonment, rejection or betrayal. This shapes what we all tell ourselves to avoid risk. 

In therapy, I see many people who struggle with relationships that have ended. Yet, I see an equal amount who have issues with the ones that never began. These ghostly “almost” relationships, still float around in our memories, mostly because there was never any closure, because there was no beginning. When something never really starts, there is no end to process, even though it feels that way. Yet, our minds will keep returning to them, filling in the gaps with imagination and fantasy. Do they still think of me? I wonder if they are replaying moments like I am? Above all, you shame yourself for letting them go.

There is a concept in psychology called the “counterfactual narrative”. A mental version of things we build up in our psyche of events that didn’t happen but could have. Our brains are wired to create stories like this because our brains dislike uncertainty and strive for resolution. Yet, the very thing that we are fixated on traps us in a thinking loop. We idealise events, comparing others to this imagined version we built up, a though of what could have been. The trouble is that fantasy often beats reality hands down.

Chemistry between two people is easy to attain. It’s exciting, addictive and instant and often attached to the “honeymoon period”. However, chemistry alone doesn’t create connection, courage and curiosity do. Love always includes risk. Exclude the risk and you exclude the love. It means stepping into the unknown with bravery and being curious about the path ahead. This also means rejection and disappointment are possible outcomes. Waiting until we feel “safe” or “ready” is another way of saying we are not willing to tolerate uncertainty. Emotional safety doesn’t come from avoidance, it comes ultimately through vulnerability. 

When we fixate on the one that got away, we are not usually longing for the person but the version of us that we might have become with them, more open, more trusting and more importantly, more alive. The fantasy represents hope. The possibility that being able to love would have been easier and that connection could have healed us. The painful truth is that this fantasy existed only in the mind. It was never truly tested by adversity, conflict or the daily grind of living together. That is why “what might have been” feels perfect. It never had the chance to be imperfect. A place where working through can build in a relationship. 

Over time, this experience may turn into regret. We tell ourselves what we could have done differently or berate ourselves for doing nothing. However, we can also learn from this regret. It can shine a light on the fear and show us where we stopped ourselves from showing up fully, where we chose comfort over courage. Instead of punishing ourselves, regret can give us all the information we need to do things differently next time.

Self-reflection might ask, “What was I protecting myself from?” and “What would I have risked by showing up more honestly?” “What does this tell me about my relationship with fear, intimacy and vulnerability?” The answers to these questions point us towards the inner work that needs to be done. Not necessarily to win back the person but to free ourselves from the patterns that created the hesitation.

Love in its truest sense doesn’t wait for us to feel unafraid. It wants us to act in spite of the fear and to risk disappointment and rejection in exchange for possibility. Meaningful relationships are not usually created by people who seek safety all the time. They are made by the people willing to feel uncomfortable, to tolerate uncertainty and to let themselves be vulnerable and seen, even if it feels dangerous to do so. 

When fear wins, we stay safe, but we stay alone or in the status quo. We protect ourselves from heartache but also from connection, even if that connection is staring us in the face. Later this need for safety shows up in “what might have been”. Healing begins when we stop running from the truth. When we can look back and say, “I was afraid, and I chose safety, that’s what I knew then.” Acceptance of this won’t erase the regret but softens it and allows us to grieve not only the loss of a special person but indeed, the version of us that couldn’t take that risk.

The ache of what might have been may never disappear entirely, but it can become something else, a reminder that love asks for risk, that vulnerability is strength, and that the greatest loss is not rejection but the chance we never took. Who knows, life is such that we may even get a second chance to do the right thing, if only we can allow ourselves. 

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FREE Choose Connection Conference April 10-19 (Online)

This summit brings together more than 40 experts focused on

  • Betrayal recovery
  • Trust repair
  • Relational healing

It’s designed to give practical tools, compassionate guidance, and real hope for couples and individuals navigating the aftermath of betrayal.

Our very own Chris Archinal has a session that focuses on his Transformational Recovery Matrix.

You can attend for free and watch all sessions online.

This is for you and others you support who are walking through betrayal recovery.

Register here: Choose Connection Summit April 10-19

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How Porn Affects Church Attendance

Originally posted at: https://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/how-porn-affects-church-attendance/

As time goes on, it seems like more and more Christians are watching porn. The average pew-sitter today is likely to have struggled with pornography at some point. And this struggle is also likely to pull them away from church. A growing body of research suggests that watching porn goes hand-in-hand with lower church attendance.

If true, this poses a serious threat to the Church! Let’s take a close look at the data and exactly what it tells us. We’ll also explore what this means for the Church, Christians, and their relationship with pornography.

Church Attendance Is Down

First, it’s no longer breaking news that religion in America is declining overall.  More than any prior time in the nation’s history, Americans are identifying as “non-religious.” We should understand trends with pornography consumption in the context of increasing overall secularization.

Even among professing Christians, statistics suggest that church attendance has sharply declined since the COVID pandemic in 2020. George Barna reports that those who attend church only infrequently or never has risen by up to 56% since the pandemic.

Certainly, there are many factors other than pornography at work in these trends. However, we will see the close relationship between decreased church attendance and increased porn consumption.  

Porn Pulls People Away From God

We know that watching porn can make people feel far from God. Statistics bear this out. In The Healing Church, Sam Black writes:

“A study at a Christian university found that among Christian students who use por­nography, 43 percent of men and 20 percent of women say their pornography use worsened their relationship with Christ. Further, 20 percent of men and 9 percent of women reported their pornography use caused them to lose interest in spiritual things” (page 8).

This corroborates what we’ve seen at Covenant Eyes. For more than two decades we’ve been helping people break free from pornography. When we survey our members, they tell us the main reason they’re using our service is to help their relationship with God.

Church attendance is one tangible way this bears out in peoples’ spiritual lives. As our society consumes more pornography, fewer people are going to church.

Regular Church Attenders (Generally) View Less Porn

Interestingly, professing Christians view just as much pornography as non-Christians. But the numbers tell a different story when you examine them closely: Christians who regularly attend church view much less pornography than those who don’t attend church.

A study out of the University of Calgary concluded that adolescents who regularly go to church are half as likely to view pornography as those who don’t.  Looking at data from the General Social Survey (GSS), Lymon Stone of the Institute for Family Studies has found even more striking differences. Stone calculates that those who regularly attend religious services are five times less likely to view pornography than those who do not. This matches the findings at the Christian university: Watching coincides with feeling far from God and makes people less likely to get involved in spiritual communities.

Regular Church Attenders Are Also Becoming Likelier to View Pornography

Some shocking survey data has suggested that as many as two-thirds of Christian men watch pornography regularly. Some have even speculated that Christians watch more pornography than non-Christians. As we’ve seen, the statistics do not bear this out for the people most involved with the Church. But there’s still plenty of reason to be concerned for the people in the pews.  

The Barna Group published research on Christians and pornography in The Porn Phenomenon. Here are the numbers of Christians watching porn at the time (2016):

  • 13% of all Christians
  • 41% of male Christians 13-24
  • 23% of Christians 25 and up
  • 13% of Christian females aged 13-24
  • 5% of Christian females over 25  
  • 21% of youth pastors and 14% of pastors

These statistics indicate slightly lower porn consumption among Christians than reported by the GSS. Even so, more than one in ten Christians overall are struggling, with nearly half teenage boys and young adult men. Christian women over the age of 25 are the least likely group to struggle, but those who do often experience deep shame and isolation.

Despite porn being less of an issue inside the church, it’s still a MAJOR problem. And statistics indicate that it’s on the rise even among Christians.

Christians Feel Worse About Viewing Porn Than Non-Christians

In the past ten years, the problems associated with pornography have been widely acknowledge, even outside of Christian and other religious communities. There are negative effects of pornography that reach far beyond the spiritual realm, and secular organizations like NoFAP and Fight the New Drug have recognized this and are tackling the problem head-on. Even people with no religious qualms about pornography may experience shame from it.

However, as sociologist Samuel Perry has noted, Christians tend to be disproportionately affected by pornography. In an interview with The New Yorker, Perry noted that Christians who watch pornography are more likely to experience mental health problems, identity issues, and relationship problems. Perry suggests that this disproportionately negative experience of porn among Christians, rather than motivating them to give up pornography, may be what is pulling them away from the Church.

What Does This Mean for Your Church?

What are the implications for churches in America? More importantly, how should pastors and ministry leaders in 21st-century America respond to the pornography crisis?

Churches That Fail to Address Porn Are More Likely to Struggle

Karen Potter is a national speaker, podcast host, and  Director of Marketing, Church, and Affiliate Channels for Covenant Eyes. After years of speaking at churches and meeting hundreds of church and ministry leaders, Karen has noticed a trend. Churches that do not tackle the issue of pornography head-on are more likely to struggle overall with church attendance.

On the other hand, churches that do have teaching, programs, and discipleship in place to confront pornography, are more likely to be thriving and flourishing. Your church can’t afford not to address the problem of pornography. While the statistics are frightening, they also point to a tremendous opportunity. Churches can make a difference.

Tackling Pornography Requires a Culture Shift for Most Churches

In The Healing Church, Sam Black looks at positive examples of churches that are the most successful in helping people overcome pornography. The answer is not having the right program or people in place, he says. It’s about establishing the right culture:

“Those cultures are focused on creating disciples who love God, live in authentic community, love one another, and serve and share their joy with others. It permeates everything these churches do, and their leaders are passionate about it. This brand of discipleship doesn’t fall to charismatic personalities at these churches. The cham­pions, the inciters of change, are ordinary staff members, volunteers, and church members who have walked this journey themselves” (p. 197).

Any church can do this, but it takes a willingness to change.

Healing Churches Can Reverse the Trend

The concept of a “healing church” isn’t abstract or unattainable. Black spells out how to make this happen in his book. You can join the growing number of churches that recognize the problem of pornography and do something about it. Furthermore, you can be part of a counter-cultural movement that is meeting people where they’re at and pointing them to the Gospel of Jesus.

Keith Rose holds a Master of Divinity degree and BA in Sacred Music. Keith worked with the Covenant Eyes Member Care Team for 15 years. He has also served as a Bible teacher, pastoral assistant, music director, and elder at his local church. He’s now the editor of the Covenant Eyes blog and the author of Allied: Fighting Porn With Accountability, Faith, and Friends. He lives in the mountains of North Carolina with his wife Ruby and their children. Contact Keith with blog inquiries.