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What Forgiveness is “NOT”

Adapted from:  The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) pp. 206-207.

To understand what forgiveness is, we must first see what it is not.

Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is an act of the will. Forgiveness involves a series of decisions, the first of which is to call on God to change our hearts. As he gives us grace, we must then decide (with our will) not to think or talk about what someone has done to hurt us. God calls us to make these decisions regardless of our feelings–but these decisions can lead to remarkable changes in our feelings.

Second, forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgetting is a passive process in which a matter fades from memory merely with the passing of time. Forgiving is an active process; it involves a conscious choice and a deliberate course of action. To put it another way, when God says that he “remembers your sins no more” (Isa. 43:25), he is not saying that he cannot remember our sins. Rather, he is promising that he will not remember them. When he forgives us, he chooses not to mention, recount, or think about our sins ever again. Similarly, when we forgive, we must draw on God’s grace and consciously decide not to think or talk about what others have done to hurt us. This may require a lot of effort, especially when an offense is still fresh in mind. Fortunately, when we decide to forgive someone and stop dwelling on an offense, painful memories usually begin to fade.

Finally, forgiveness is not excusing. Excusing says, “That’s okay,” and implies, “What you did wasn’t really wrong,” or “You couldn’t help it.” Forgiveness is the opposite of excusing. The very fact that forgiveness is needed and granted indicates that what someone did was wrong and inexcusable. Forgiveness says, “We both know that what you did was wrong and without excuse. But since God has forgiven me, I forgive you.” Because forgiveness deals honestly with sin, it brings a freedom that no amount of excusing could ever hope to provide.

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8 Reasons People Cheat

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201910/8-reasons-people-cheat

by Theresa E DiDonato, Ph.D.

Scientists revisit why people cheat and uncover some interesting findings.

Mutual trust is a hallmark feature of committed romantic relationships and is often (not always) tied to confidence that a partner is both romantically and sexually faithful. What if that trust is violated?

Infidelity can wreak havoc on a relationship. As summarized in a recent review, infidelity is a leading cause for marital divorce and pre-marital break-ups; it can trigger domestic violence; and it is a strong predictor of poor mental health, including depression and anxiety (Fincham & May, 2017). These adverse consequences might suggest that people go to great lengths to avoid infidelity, efforts reflected in overall rates that suggest infidelity is rare. But this is not the case. By some accounts, the lifetime prevalence of infidelity is approximately 20 to 25 percent of marriages, with men and women cheating at similar rates (Fincham & May, 2017).

Given that infidelity produces a constellation of adverse personal and relational consequences, yet people are known to cheat, the question becomes: why? Why risk it? What are the motivations that lead to infidelity?

Why Do People Cheat?

A recent investigation asked nearly 500 mostly heterosexual individuals about their past experiences cheating on a romantic partner (Selterman, Garcia, Tsapelas, & 2019). Note that having engaged in infidelity was an explicit inclusion criteria for the study, so all participants shared at least one instance of their own infidelity as part of the study. Approximately 95 percent gave examples that included sexual/physical infidelity.

These scholars aren’t the first to ask the question of why people cheat (e.g., Barta & Kiene, 2005), but evidence regarding infidelity motives is surprisingly scarce, suggesting the need for empirical inquiry. In their study, Selterman and colleagues (2019) solicited reasons for why people cheated and then focused their analysis on synthesizing the many motives people offered. Eight main motives emerged from their analysis:

  1. Falling out of love. Sometimes (but not always) a deficit in an existing relationship leads people to have extradyadic affairs. Over three quarters (77 percent) of participants indicated that a lack of love for their stable partner, and/or greater love for an extradyadic partner, was a fairly strong reason they cheated.
  2. For variety. Other times, infidelity is not a response to a problem with an existing relationship; rather, it’s a reaction to boredom. For many people (74 percent), a desire for variety factors into their cheating behavior. More men explained their infidelity as tied to this reason than women.
  3. Feeling neglected. Similar to feeling a lack of love, some people engage in infidelity as a response to their partner’s lack of attention. Participants (70 percent) revealed that feeling neglected was at least moderately tied to their cheating behavior. More women than men recognized this as one of their motives for cheating.  
  4. Situational forces. Not every act of infidelity is premeditated and driven by dissatisfaction with a current relationship. Many participants (70 percent) noted that factors of the situation were a key reason they cheated. Maybe they were drinking or in some other way thrown into an opportunity they didn’t anticipate. More men recognized this motive as a reason for their cheating than women.
  5. To boost self-esteem. It seems counterintuitive, given that infidelity tends to end with significant personal consequences, but for some people, the act of having an affair can boost their own ego and self-esteem. More than half of participants (57 percent) indicated that enhancing their self-esteem was a motive for their cheating.
  6. Out of anger. This was not the most commonly cited reason, but anger played a role in the affairs of many participants (43 percent). In these cases, cheating was seen as a way to punish a partner or enact revenge.
  7. Not feeling committed. Lacking love and lacking commitment to a current romantic partner are both tied to general feelings of relationship dissatisfaction. They may go hand in hand. In terms of commitment, nearly half (41 percent) of participants indicated that having low levels of commitment to their romantic partners motivated their cheating.
  8. Because of sexual desire. About one-third of participants (32 percent) reported that they were driven to have an affair because of their sexual desire. Maybe in their established relationship, individuals aren’t engaging in the frequency of sex, style of sex, or specific sexual behaviors that they want; this can contribute to their reasons to cheat. Men reported this reason more than women (Selterman et al., 2019).

These eight motives for infidelity cover aspects of the self, the existing relationship, and the context. They reveal great variety in the reasons as to why people cheat. While certainly, one primary reason could drive a person to be unfaithful, it’s likely that a combination of factors is at the root of many extradyadic affairs.

It’s also possible that there are motivations that were not fully captured in this study, in part because—as the authors noted—participants were trying to remember what motivated past behavior. Sometimes, memory isn’t on point to what actually motivated the behavior in the first place.

References

Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70-74.

Barta, W. D., & Kiene, S. M. (2005). Motivations for infidelity in heterosexual dating couples: The roles of gender, personality differences, and sociosexual orientation. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 22, 339-360.

Selterman, D., Garcia, J. R., & Tsapelas, I. (2019). Motivations for extradyadic infidelity revisited. The Journal of Sex Research, 56, 273-286.

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Suicide Be Damned To Hell

by Rob Weddle

Originally posted at: http://brokenpeople.blog/2019/10/31/suicide-be-damned-to-hell/

While Christians argue over whether Halloween is evil or if Kanye has ulterior motives, people are dying. While we bicker over music and movie choices, some are hanging themselves in the garage or the closet. As we waste our time trying to convince someone our personal convictions should be THEIR gospel, others are stealing their mom’s pain pills to overdose or shooting themselves with their dad’s pistol.

Here are just a few of the many suicide messages I found online, from the broken, disenfranchised and hurting. Some of these were literal suicide notes from people who passed, and others are from people who lived to fight another day…so far:

Suicidal Msgs 1
Suicidal Msgs 2
Suicidal Msgs 3
Suicidal Msgs 4

It’s easy for us to say “reach out!” and “call a suicide hotline!” but as another blogger wrote, “The worst part is feeling paralyzed in the pain…everyone always says to reach out, but sometimes it just feels like if I talk about how lost I am, the very last thing holding me together will fall apart and I can’t make myself take that leap…even for help, because I’m just too afraid I’ll fall short of the other side. And when I fall short, I die.

“I can’t see a safety net at the bottom of that abyss. I can’t trust it’s there. If I can’t see it…I can’t move. To reach out…you  have to move.”

When I tried to kill myself, I wasn’t thinking “suicide note.” I wasn’t thinking of all the ones I’d leave behind. I wasn’t thinking “reach out for help.” I wasn’t thinking of suicide hotlines. Heck, I wasn’t even thinking “death.”

I was merely thinking, “Make the pain stop.”

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So, if this is you, if you’re out there, afraid to move, afraid to breathe, afraid to tell someone, for fear that even MOVING will push you over the edge, I’d like to encourage you by saying YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Hang on, please. As a Christian, it’s easy for me to say “read the Bible,” “Jesus loves you,” “talk to a preacher or counselor,” and “I’ll be praying for you,” but as a suicide survivor, I know those are empty gestures.  Let me assure that it DOES get better.

This doesn’t have to destroy you. Please, don’t give up.

Please. 

I love ya. I really do, because I AM you. The only reason I’m a Christian today is because Jesus is the ONLY light I’ve ever found in a very, VERY dark world.

As I’ve stated in a previous blog, I’ve always been a rebel, and now I rebel against the darkness which tries to suffocate the souls of humankind. If I hadn’t found the LIGHT, I would simply let you get swallowed up in your darkness.

But this is not the case. Please, just don’t give up. Not today.

Someday, suicide, depression, shaming, bullying, anxiety and the like will be damned to Hell forever. I live for that day. But for NOW, we keep fighting.

Blessings. I’ll talk to you soon.

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Handling Conflict (Part 1 – Self Regulation)

by scottwoodtherapy

If you were reading my posts from last summer, you may recall that I am facilitating classes for the College of Marriage at my church.  We are also making videos for the lecture portion of those sessions.  This is the video script for the first of three sessions on Handling Conflict.  When the videos are up, I will share the link.

Welcome again to the College of Marriage.  This is session 4 and is the first of three sessions addressing conflict in the marital relationship.

Let’s talk about conflict.

Couples becoming stuck in escalating conflict that doesn’t resolve is something that often drives couples into therapy (or divorce).  In therapy, there are a number of schools of thought about how to help couples handle their conflict constructively.  The mission is not to make the couple conflict free, but to keep disagreements from turning into fights, and fights from becoming relationship threatening.

During the next three session, we are going to look at three different approaches to coping with conflict in marriage.  These come from different therapy types.

The type of therapy we are going to look at today is Restoration Therapy – RT is about self-regulation.  RT is based upon the idea that couples get caught in a pain cycle and that the way each partner responds is a coping strategy for their own pain.  Couples don’t have 100 fights; they have one fight over 100 different topics.  The solution is to recognize the pain cycle, and for each partner to be able to self-regulate enough to be able to choose to respond more constructively.

Next week, we will be looking at Emotionally Focused Therapy – EFT is about co-regulation.  EFT is based upon attachment theory that recognizes that human beings are made for relationship and need someone to whom they can turn for care, comfort, and support to handle the stressors of life.  EFT looks at couples in conflict as being stuck in a negative cycle which is driven by a core emotional experience such as fear, pain, sadness, and loneliness) and unmet attachment needs (such as to feel loved, valued, and emotionally safe).  The solution here is to help partners recognize the underlying emotions and needs that drive the negative cycle.  Partners are assisted in experiencing each other as safe and learning again to turn to each other for care and comfort.

In our third session on conflict management, we will look at Gottman Method Therapy – John and Julie Gottman have been researchers into marital relationships for decades.  In their research, they have been able to identify what patterns separate the masters of relationship from the disasters.  Consequently, Gottman therapy is about developing the skills that the masters use.

All of these have value.  Consequently, over the next 3 sessions, we are going to touch on all of these views.  Today again we are looking at Restoration Therapy.

As imperfect human beings, We love each other imperfectly.  When something lands on us as a violation of love and/or trust, the result is an experience of pain and confusion.  Broadly speaking, this pain is a feeling of being unloved and/or unsafe.  There are typical coping strategies to deal with these feelings.  The typical coping strategies for feeling unloved are blaming others and/or shaming self.  Either you are the problem, or I am the problem.  If one is feeling unsafe, the usual coping strategies are control and/or escape.  If your partner seems controlling, my default assumption is that this is a fear response.  You control when you are feeling unsafe.

Pain cycle.  In your handout package, you have a form that says “Pain Cycle” and another that says “Identifying Pain and Peace Cycles.”

Typically couples in conflict are triggering each other’s pain.  Whatever coping strategy one of you is using is putting the other into their pain.

As we are walking through the pain cycle, pause the video any time you need to to complete the pain cycle diagram.

Think of a recent argument.  Whatever the argument was about is really just context.  Take a look at the list of feelings at the top of the “Identifying Pain and Peace Cycles” page.  This is not an exhaustive list so there could be other things you are feeling.  As you look at this list, are there feelings that resonate with what you were feeling during the argument.  (Take a moment to list them on diagram.)  Okay.  When you feel that way, what do you typically find yourself doing?  (List that on the diagram.)  Now to your mate… When your partner does whatever he or she does to cope with their pain, what feelings does that bring up for you.  Again, you can use the form to prime the pump.  (List those on the diagram).  When you are feeling that way, what do you typically find yourself doing?  (List those on the diagram).  (Now back to the first partner) So when he or she does that, what feelings are coming up for you?

This is your pain cycle.  When you are in conflict, the problem is not you or your partner.  You are each coping with your pain the way you learned how.  When you are in your pain cycle, it looks like your partner is the enemy.  Your partner is not the enemy.  The enemy of your relationship is your pain cycle.

Even if the way you respond is really not helping, there is a reason you do it.

Sometimes it is also helpful to look at the story you tell yourself when this is happening.  In every interaction we have, we naturally, without even thinking about it, have a story we tell ourselves about what is happening with the other person and in the relationship.  This happens so fluently in our daily lives that we aren’t even conscious of it.  We make up a story about the person who cut in front of you in traffic or server at the restaurant.  In close relationships we do this when we are in our pain cycle.  This could be something like “you just want to pick a fight” or “you always have to be right.”  There are boxes at the top right and lower right that you can make any notes about the story you tell yourself.

For the Couple exercise, take a few minutes individually to map out your half of the pain cycle.  When you both have completed your half, take some time to compare your pain cycles.  Hopefully this will help you to recognize that when you are distressed, your partner is not trying to abandon you, but is in his or her own pain cycle.

Go ahead and pause the video while you do the exercise.  I will wait for you.

Welcome back.  Let’s talk about The Peace Cycle.  If this were therapy (which it isn’t), the next thing we would want to do is help you reclaim some truth.  If when you are in your pain cycle you feel unloved, is that the truth?  Let me give you a hint.  Your partner would not be sitting here unless you mattered.  This would not hurt so much unless this marriage was really important to each of you.  So what is the truth?  You can look at the list on the sheet again if that helps.  Are you really unloved?

If you feel helpless or powerless when you are in your pain, is that the truth?  Are you really powerless?

Whatever your triggers are, they probably have some roots in your earlier life experience.  We don’t have the time to unpack that here.  The point is that there is a deeper truth here.  You are loved and you do have things you can do.  If you can practice reclaiming that truth when you are not in your pain cycle, you can cope with your feelings better when you are in your pain cycle.  From there, you can choose to respond more constructively to your partner.

This leads us to The Four Steps.  If you can internalize the truth about yourself, you can then choose how you respond instead of responding out of your pain.  One way to facilitate this is to practice the four steps.  The four steps are…

  1. Say what you feel.
  2. Say what you normally do.
  3. Say what the truth is.
  4. Say what you choose to do differently.

Let me repeat that for you.

  1. Say what you feel.
  2. Say what you normally do.
  3. Say what the truth is.
  4. Say what you choose to do differently.

For the fourth step, you can refer again to the “Identifying Pain and Peace Cycles” page for some possible ways to respond differently.

Now pull out your homework.  For this week there are a few things for you to practice.   First, identify your four steps.  Daily practice saying your four steps aloud.  We rehearse these in times of non-conflict so that when you are in conflict, you have them internalized.  Second, If you should get stuck in your pain cycle, note what you were feeling and what you did.  Third, take some time to Share with your partner what it is like for you in your pain cycle.  Listen to your partner’s experience as well.

That is going to wrap us up for session 4.  Good luck with the homework and we will see you for session 5 where we will continue to work on handling conflict.