CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Help! My Kids Have Looked at Porn!

Originally posted 9/20/2012

This is an unfortunate event/statement that most, if not all parents (in today’s sexualized American culture) will make.  The key is how we, as parents, respond to the issue of our children either being exposed to pornography or purposely viewing pornography.  Below are some recommended points for us to follow when that day comes.

1. Control Your Anger

Being angry is ok, it’s what we do with that anger that defines us.  Be angry at the pornography, not your child.  Statistics show that 93% of boys and 62% of girls will be exposed to pornography before the age of 18.  It is not a question of “if” your child will be exposed to porn, but “when” your child is exposed to porn.

2. Go after their Heart, not their Behavior

Try to get to the root of the issue, your child’s heart.  Don’t condemn their behavior, but try to help them figure out why they looked at pornography in the first place.  Have compassion on your child and understand that our culture is so sexualized that it is nearly impossible to shield them from pornography.

3. Keep a Discussion Going about Sex

What a better way to start discussing sex and true intimacy than to have the door slammed open with discovery of your child’s viewing of pornography.  This may not be the preferred method, but God can use this to open that “sex talk” door that many parents dread.  Keep openly discussing healthy sexuality with your child.  Hopefully, with trust and time, they will come to you for advice, not their friends or the internet.

4. Examine Your Own Heart

Parents, you will not be able to teach your child about healthy sexuality if you yourself are not practicing what you preach!  Fathers, God will not be able fully work through you to help your child if you are engaging in sexually immoral behavior.  Also, God may use your child’s struggle with pornography to help you examine your own sexual behaviors.  Use this time to come to Christ for forgiveness and live in His grace.  We are not perfect, but let God work through us to help our children by keeping our own hearts pure.

5. Blocking the Doors

Take steps place restrictions on TV, Internet, Movies, etc…  This may mean you are forced to install an “unwanted” filter on all of your computers and internet-ready devices.  Don’t look at filters negatively and lie to yourself by saying “my child would never purposely look at pornography, or my spouse isn’t tempted to look at porn.”  Be proactive!  If filters have not been previously installed, then do so now.

6. Don’t Let Up nor Give Up

Don’t stop talking to your kids about healthy sexuality and don’t give up on supervising your children after you think you’ve failed at protecting them from pornography.  God can use what the enemy meant for evil for His good purpose.  Use this opportunity to grow together and engage your children.  Keep asking them questions on purity, check the filters, check the websites, phones, etc…  Don’t think the battle is over because you had one talk about the subject.

The above points were taken from the PDF file linked below from the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding (CPYU).  Please take the time to read the entire PDF as it has a tremendous amount of information for you to use in engaging your children on the issues of pornography!  Also, please visit www.cpyu.org for more information on today’s youth culture.

My Kids Have Looked At Porn – PDF

A copy of the above PDF can be found under the Castimonia resources tab.

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Do You Struggle with Sexual Purity?

One of the issues I come across in this ministry is speaking to men not in support, accountability, or recovery groups about sexual purity and the struggle.  Many men say to me that they don’t have a problem with sexual purity, that everything is “Ok” or that they don’t need a support group for their sexual purity issues.

So how does a man, not in a support group, recovery, or accountability group know whether they are sexually pure or have a struggle with maintaining sexual purity?  I’ve listed some activities that may seem normal (thanks to today’s mainstream society and the sexualization of America) to these men, but in reality are signs that sexual immorality is in your heart, mind, and soul.  We can all strive to be like Joseph when tempted by Potiphar’s wife (illustration to the right) but we need support and accountability along the way!

Here are some questions for you to ask yourself.  Or better yet, have someone you trust ask you these questions.  Be as honest as possible!

Do I look around at women in public places, taking second and third looks at an attractive woman?

Do I wish I could be with the attractive woman I just saw in public, either in a relationship or sexually?

Do I imagine myself being with women I see in public, either in a relationship or sexually?

Do I think of or fantasize about an attractive woman I saw earlier, either when I am alone or with others?

Do I look at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?

Do I make excuses to look at the SI swimsuit issue such as, I’m reading up on the latest sports or on my team?

Do I look through “fitness” magazines in order to look at the women in workout outfits?

Do I rationalize looking at “fitness” magazines saying I’m reading up on the latest workout/fitness trends?

Do I look through “Hot Rod”, “Maxim”, or other “Male Publications” and focus on the models in bikinis or suggestive outfits?

Do I look through women’s clothing catalogs?

Do I look through the Victoria’s Secret catalog?

Do I look through fashion magazines in order to look at the women who might wear seductive outfits or even appear nude?

Do I stare at billboards along the road as I drive and fantasize about the woman on the billboard?

Do I look over at other attractive female drivers and linger on them until I pass them by?

Do I purposely speed up or slow down in order to get alongside an attractive female driver on the road?

Do I purposely eat at restaurants where the waitresses wear skimpy outfits?

Do I visit websites that have photos of clothed models, either fully clothed or in swimsuits?

Do I visit message forums that post photos of models?

Do I visit social networking sites and look through the photos of attractive females on the sites?

Do I purposely walk by the lingerie or women’s underwear section of store without my wife present?

While in public, do I purposely change my course, or even set my course, because I see an attractive woman and want to walk by her?

The above questions are less-obvious examples of a struggle with maintaining sexual purity.  If you answered “YES” to ANY of the above questions, you need to look into a support or accountability group.  The questions below are more telling of a problem with maintaining sexual purity.

Do I watch sexually suggestive television shows, including reality shows, sitcoms, cable and non-cable TV shows?

Do I watch sexually suggestive commercials on TV?

Do I watch sexually suggestive movies such as American Pie type of movies?

Do I listen to sexually suggestive music or watch sexually suggestive music videos?

Do I watch sexually suggestive online videos or videos of girls in underwear or swimsuits?

Do I watch rated “R” movies that contain nudity alone or with my wife?  And if so, do I look at the nudity when it appears?

Do I watch sexually suggestive movies and the nudity while alone?

If you answered YES to the preceding questions, then I strongly recommend you get into a support group before you go too far.  The questions below are definite signs of a struggle with maintaining sexual purity.

Do I fantasize about or lust after other women while being physically sexual intimate with my wife?

Do I masturbate outside of physical sexual intimacy with my wife?

Do I engage in any sex outside of my marriage?

Do I look at “soft porn” magazines, videos, or internet sites that contain some sexual content or nudity?

Do I look at pornographic magazines, videos, or internet sites that contain full nudity or hardcore sexual material?

Do I surf the internet for pornography or try to circumvent any installed internet filters?

Do I surf the internet wanting to report sites not blocked by filters?

Do I visit sexually oriented business such as strip clubs, video stores, massage parlors?

Do I engage in sexually acting out with anonymous sex partners?

Do I engage in having a sexual or non-sexual affair?

Do I visit prostitutes, call girls, etc…?

Do I take extreme risks (being caught by police, public exposure, illegal activities) when acting out?

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above questions, you are in definite and immediate need of a sexual purity support and recovery group as well as counseling for your intimacy disorder which may an addiction.

Regardless at what level of sexual purity you might struggle, please be courageous enough to seek immediate help, either in a support, recovery, accountability group, or with a trained professional therapist!  Do it now, before it is too late!

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Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 4

(Originally posted in 2012)

In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 1 I openly discussed the issue with excessive lustful thoughts and self-gratification (masturbation).  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 2 I go one level deeper into the viewing of pornography and its effects on the brain and how an addiction can quickly form.  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 3, I went further “down the scale” of sexual purity and looked at situations where a man has crossed the “flesh line” so to speak.  In Part 4, I address the topic question and also address the partners of men who struggle with sexual purity issues.

Question:  Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery, Is it for you?

Answer: ABSOLUTELY!

Regardless of what stage of sexual impurity you might be in as a man, entering a proper support program is essential!

FOR THE WIVES/PARTNERS:

Question: Does my husband/partner struggle with sexual purity issues?

Answer: As a man, there is a strong possibility he does.

Remember the therapist joke in Part 1?  “80% of men struggle with some sort of sexual purity issue and the 20% that say they do not, are lying.” There is a lot of truth to this “joke.”

In today’s sex-charged culture, more and more men are being tempted sexually.  Next time you are at the grocery store, look at the cover or inside the magazines marketed toward men.  Watch a sporting event on TV and you can see how advertisers “know” how to grab a man’s attention! How about the increase in “Sports Bars & Grills” where waitresses wear skimpy outfits?  Who do you think is their target market group? (And men, these types of restaurants are NOT ok.  If you visit one of these restaurants, it had better be your wife’s choice and you better be facing out the window!)    The objectification of women has been normalized in our culture!

Please understand, however, that the amount of sexual purity with which your husband will struggle will vary.  It may only be a struggle with lustful thoughts and fantasies, but it could also be a lot more.  The key is, to allow your husband to seek support for any sexual purity issues he may have in his life.  If he only struggles with “minor” lustful thoughts and actions, it is imperative that he begin receiving support before he moves on to another level of sexual purity struggle!  If he struggles with more, he will find the help and support he needs to become courageous enough to step out of the shadows and into the light.

Ladies, DO NOT shame your husband because he is seeking help with his sexual purity struggles!  It takes a lot more courage to open up and say, “I might have a problem” than to keep it a secret and act as if nothing is wrong.

Ladies, ask your husband if he struggles with any type of sexual purity.  His answer, at a minimum, better be “sometimes or once in a while” even if he does not look at pornography or has had sex outside the marriage!  If he responds, “NO or Not at all” then he is not being truly honest.  And yes, having lustful thoughts is considered a sexual purity struggle.

Ladies, be open and honest about sexuality with your husband.  Don’t shame him for wanting to be sexual with you (and husbands, don’t shame your wife because she doesn’t).  Open a dialog about both of your thoughts and feelings on sex within the marriage.  If there are extreme differences, then a third party (such as a pastor or counselor) should be brought in to mediate, ascertain, and give godly advice to both of you.

Ladies, if your husband plans to attend a Castimonia meeting, DO NOT assume he is visiting sexually oriented businesses, viewing pornography, masturbating, having an affair, or is a “Sex Addict.”  Understand that Castimonia meetings are for any man that struggles with any type of sexual purity!  You, the wife, should encourage your husband to attend.

At Castimonia meetings we learn tools that help us combat sexual purity issues.  We learn about what real intimacy is between a husband and wife – not just physical, but, more importantly, emotional and spiritual intimacy.   We learn to be open, honest, and intimate with other men and use these men to support us in our battle against sexual temptation and sexual impurity.  We learn to be a “team” of warriors and not isolate ourselves.  This is where the enemy wants us; alone!

So next time a Castimonia meeting is being held, wives, you need ask your husband, if they have not attended, why they are NOT going to the meeting.  Encourage them to reject passivity on the subject of sexual purity and seek to be the sexually pure men that God wants them to be.  Encourage them to lead courageously and be the spiritual leaders of your household as well as have the courage to speak to your children now or in the future about healthy sexuality.   And encourage them to learn how to be truly intimate and love you in ways that are healthy!

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Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 3

(originally posted in 2012)

In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 1 I openly discussed the issue with excessive lustful thoughts and self-gratification (masturbation).  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 2 I go one level deeper into the viewing of pornography and its effects on the brain and how an addiction can quickly form.  In Part 3, I go further “down the scale” of sexual purity and look at situations where a man has crossed the “flesh line” so to speak.

The “flesh line” is best defined as the line that is crossed where a person knowingly has “impure” sexual intercourse with another person.   By “impure” I refer to sexual intercourse with anonymous sex partners, affair partners, prostitutes, or other “high-risk” persons that fulfill the fantasy or high.  Once this occurs, pornography and masturbation by themselves may never be “enough” to achieve the same sexual high achieved once the line has been crossed.  The battle becomes a lot more difficult and the consequences a lot higher once this occurs.  Crossing the flesh line now gives the person a taste of how much better the sexual gratification could be with the intense adrenaline rush from doing something “wrong” and also from the Neurochemicals pumping through the brain.  The intensity can be as much if not more than while viewing pornography.  Now the person can try to reenact the pornography they viewed with another person.  Sometimes with the other person’s consent, sometimes without.  A lot of times, they dehumanize the person and treat them like an object only for use for their sexual satisfaction, desperately trying to get the same level of high they had in previous acting out experiences.

The diagram to the left shows a progression of the disease beginning with the roots of unmet emotional needs (click on the diagram for a full-sized image).  Background information on this diagram and the progression will be discussed in another post.  However, this diagram clearly defines where the “flesh-line” (or Flesh Barrier as it is showing the diagram) lies and the resulting behaviors and consequences.  There are those of us in Castimonia who have passed the flesh line and have faced severe consequences such as diseases, loss of our jobs, loss of our marriage, violence toward us, prison, and even death!  What a man who struggles with sexual purity must understand is that if they do not take hold of the problem early on, they will end up suffering these consequences.  No matter how deceptive the man might be in fooling their loved ones, employers, etc… they are only fooling themselves.  One day, the truth will come out, and even though the damage has already been done with the sexual acting out, the consequences will come forward and might be more severe than when they were just struggling with lustful thoughts, masturbation, or viewing pornography.

My hope for every man who reads this blog is that it opens their eyes to a problem they might be denying.  That it helps them understand the problem and helps them understand that there are others who struggle with this issue and if not confronted, will escalate to the point where the consequences are severe!

In Part 4, I will answer the initial question asked in the topic title, “Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you?”

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Is Your View of Women Aligned with Your Theology?

Originally posted at: https://www.crossway.org/articles/is-your-view-of-women-aligned-with-your-theology

Women as Image Bearers

You can barely open your computer, watch Netflix, go to a movie, or follow popular music without encountering our culture’s objectification, negation, and sexual exploitation of women. Our society attaches a woman’s worth to her beauty or views them only as objects for sexual pleasure; the degrading of female image bearers is all around us. Why are female pop stars pressured to dress provocatively? Why are fashions designed not to cover the woman’s body but to expose it? Why do countless women find the workplace to be sexually threatening? Why are a woman’s breasts often more esteemed than her brain?

Popular media oppresses women with norms of beauty that literally take surgery to obtain. How far away have we fallen from the dignity of women as image bearers of God himself? When it comes to the value, dignity, significance, and uniqueness of the imprint of the image of God, men and women are equals. Hear these words again: “So God created man in his own image, / in the image of God he created him, / male and female he created them” (Gen. 1:27). To reduce a woman down to the shape of her body, to dishonor, denigrate, or objectify her, or to negate the value of her gifts and her God-given contribution as one of his image-bearing resident managers, dishonors not only her but God himself.

I wish I could say that the issue of devaluing the image-bearing giftedness of women is an issue only outside the church, but I cannot. Now, I do believe that God has designed different roles for men and women in his church. I think Scripture is quite clear that the role of pastor/ elder is, by God’s design, for men. But I also am convinced that we have undervalued and underutilized the God-given and essential gifts of women. The Bible does not teach that the primary role for women is in the home. The Bible does not teach that a woman’s spirituality comes through her husband. The Bible does not teach that a woman’s life will only be complete if she is married. The Bible does not forbid a woman from being highly educated and having a successful career. The Bible does not prohibit women from leading men in political, education, and business situations.

Valuing Women’s Gifts

Let me give you two examples of how these truths connect to the life and health of the body of Christ. One woman in the church where we are members is a professor of black history at a local college. She is not only a historian, but she is a theologian whom God has used to help our church think through and navigate issues of race. Because her gifts are valued, she has been an essential contributor to the health of our church in tumultuous times. Her combination of historical expertise and gospel literacy is a gift of God to our church, but it is important to note that giftedness had to be recognized by leadership and given a voice in order for our congregation to be helped and blessed by it.

Years ago I was one of the pastor/elders of a church in the Philadelphia suburbs. Once a year we would go away for an elders’ retreat with our wives. We would eat together and do activities together. But when it came time to discuss the church, the men would go into one room for those talks while the women went to another room to share parenting stories and recipes. Luella, my dear wife, found it both strange and uncomfortable. She reminded me that each of these wise and godly ladies had a different experience of the church than the elders did, and it might be helpful to hear from them. She wasn’t asking for women elders but for the gifts and experiences of women to be valued and given expression.

So one Saturday morning after breakfast the women joined the men in a discussion about church. It was one of the most important and eye-opening conversations the elders had ever had. We learned things about ourselves and the life, culture, and ministry of our church that we would have never known any other way. As the women lovingly shared with us, some of our weaknesses and failures were exposed. We began to see these women as not only wives and mothers but also as God’s gifted image bearers, built by him to be essential contributors to the life and health of his church. We scheduled a time for our wives to be part of the conversation at every retreat after that.

A woman who comes to her pastor with a concern about issues in the church, questions about a sermon, or concerns about leadership attitudes or decisions should not be brushed off, wrongly criticized, dismissed, or silenced. A woman who has not gotten married or who has pursued a career should not be judged. Married women should not be viewed as attachments to their husbands but rather as God-called and God-gifted contributing members of the body of Christ who happen to be married. Women do not experience the body of Christ as men do. Women see things that men don’t see. Women communicate truth differently than men. A body of Christ is healthiest when women are esteemed and their gifts highly valued, not just in the home but also in the church. The church needs highly trained women theologians. The church needs to give voices to gifted gospel-communicating women. We need to encourage gospel-wise women to write. To do anything less fails to treat women with the honor that was stamped on them at creation.

The theology of the image of God in all people should radically influence the way we view and respond to women, co-image bearers by God’s design.

One of the ways to build a culture that values the essentiality of the gifts of women in the body of Christ is to highlight the robust role that women had in God’s unfolding plan of redemption in Scripture. As you walk your way through biblical history, it becomes clear that the work of God is not solely a man’s domain; it is the ambassadorial calling of men and women alike. Sarah, Rebekah, Miriam, Rahab, Deborah, Ruth, Hannah, Esther, Anna, Mary, Elizabeth, Mary Magdalene, and Phoebe are just a few of the women God used to move along his plan of redemption. Men and women are called to be Christ’s disciples, his instruments, his representatives, and his messengers. We should teach this history to our boys and girls.

We want boys to grow into men who value the presence and gifts of women in the body of Christ, and we want girls to be clear about their calling and the need to hone the gifts God has given them.

The theology of the image of God in all people should radically influence the way we view and respond to women, co-image bearers by God’s design. This theology calls us away from denigrating and objectifying women and calls us to honor them as those who bear the very likeness of God himself. It calls us to honor their gifts, to give their unique experience a voice, and to train them for work as God’s agents in the world and as essential members of his church. Hear Spurgeon:

We cannot say to the women, “Go home, there is nothing for you to do in the service of the Lord.” Far from it, we entreat Martha and Mary, Lydia and Dorcas and all the elect sisterhood, young and old, rich and poor, to instruct others as God instructs them. Young men and maidens, old men and matrons, yes—and boys and girls who love the Lord—should speak well of Jesus and make known His salvation from day to day.1

Notes:

  1. Charles Spurgeon, “All At It,” sermon 2044, September 16, 1888, Christian Classics Ethereal Library, http://www.ccel.org/.

This article is adapted from Do You Believe?: 12 Historic Doctrines to Change Your Everyday Life by Paul David Tripp.