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What Your Sexual Fantasies (Might) Say About You | Part 2

by Jay Stringer – https://www.covenanteyes.com/2017/12/12/what-sexual-fantasies-reveal-part-2/

The evangelical community’s preoccupation with combatting lust has over-simplified and trivialized a far more complex issue within human sexuality. We exert tremendous effort attempting to stop our sexual fantasies, but neglect the critical task of understanding what these fantasies might be communicating. Efforts to eliminate lust set us up to manage our sexual life with a tourniquet. We end up spending the best years of our life battling the flow of lust, darting our eyes away from attractive people, and taking drastic measures to stay accountable. I think we can all agree this is not what God had in mind for desire, sex, and community.

Our inability to “succeed” in purity only compounds our pain. In our pain, we default to the same, ineffective treatment plan. We spend time in prayer, pursue accountability, occasionally hide, and hope that God might change us. The complexity is that these well-intended efforts fail to engage the underlying issues that drive our sexual lust and anger. A much better approach might begin by asking God to help us understand our lust.

This year I completed research on the key drivers of unwanted sexual behavior, be that pornography, an affair, buying sex and the like. Over 3,600 men and women participated in the study. What I can tell you is that sexual struggles are not random or capricious. They develop in the formative emotional and sexual soil of your childhood and flourish in the unaddressed dynamics of your present life.

In my first blog on sexual fantasies, I addressed sexual fantasies where men had power over women. I received many requests to take a closer look at the other most common sexual fantasy of males–being pursued by an older or more powerful woman, and that’s what this follow-up article speaks to.

Your Sexual Fantasies Are Not Random

Jeff was in his late 20’s when he began experiencing a season of painful depression. The majority of his friends were married and Jeff’s career had seemingly plateaued at his company. He had no idea what to do next. In his paralysis, Jeff found himself caring less about the things he once worked so hard to maintain–integrity, a healthy lifestyle, and ambition. In a moment of distress, he e-mailed a mentor from college asking if they had a referral to see a therapist for depression.

When I met Jeff, his pain was palpable. He stared out the window and looked long into the gray Seattle horizon. What he eventually disclosed was that he picked me as a therapist because of my focus on unwanted sexual behavior. Jeff did not believe he was a sex addict, but did believe that pornography was playing a role in his life that he did not want. Additionally, his pornography use led him to believe that he was unwanted.

There is a glut of information out there that tells us Jeff’s struggle with pornography is a common problem in our society. But this data tells us little about the ‘why’ behind our collective drive for pornography. My research found that the type of pornography and sexual behavior you pursue can be predicted by the major themes and significant relationships that have marked your life.

Jeff disclosed that his struggle with pornography would often escalate during periods of depression. He remarked, “The more I feel pain and hopelessness, the more I seek out porn.” Curious, I asked Jeff how he curates his porn searches based on his emotional pain. He paused for a moment and asked, “So you think the specifics of my porn searches are associated with the particular pain I am experiencing?”

I responded by saying that each of us have an arousal cocktail. This is a mixture of thoughts, images, stories, and fantasies that influence the pornographic content we find arousing. When we find ourselves depressed, angry, bored, or lonely, we will often seek out a particular type of pornography apropos to our situation. If we want to outgrow our need for pornography, we need to gain a sense of what it symbolizes for us.

My research showed that the majority of men pursued sexual fantasies where they had power over women. This often involved men seeking out women who were younger, had a smaller body type, and had a particular race that suggested (to them) subservience. The other primary category for men however dealt with men who wanted the woman in the pornography to have the power (or at least for it to appear that way). These men fantasized about older women, attractive mother figures, and women in positions of authority over them (boss, teacher, etc.).

Jeff disclosed to me that his primary pornography searches tend to be for attractive mother figures. The videos that appeal to him the most involve a plot where a friend’s mom or a teacher single out a male student or young adult. The mother or authority figure sees the man’s charm, or need or sadness, and eventually seduces him to sex.

Sexual Abuse Shapes Pornography Preferences

After Jeff disclosed this, he remembered a movie he saw in college about an older woman who cares for a teenager in a state of distress. When the adolescent is nursed back to health, the woman seduces him. As a college student, he attempted to find the specific sex scenes from this film on the Internet and he pursued pornography portraying similar themes. Jeff thought for a moment and said, “This is really interesting. I definitely seek out a lot of variety in porn, but the main theme is definitely about wanting to be pursued, cared for, and eventually seduced by an older woman.”

In our following session, Jeff wanted to continue to explore why older women captured his sexual fantasy life. I reflected to Jeff that many of his fantasies entailed the use of porn or film, but wondered if this fantasy preference was mirroring anything that had happened to him personally. Jeff thought about it for a moment and then revealed that his first “sexualization moment” came in the context of someone about six years older than him.

Jeff was in 5th grade, when his parents began going on dates once or twice a month. His babysitter was a 16-year-old family friend named Christina. A typical evening entailed Christina cooking dinner for Jeff and his two little sisters and then getting the girls down to sleep. When Christina came back downstairs, she would take out a game like Uno for her and Jeff to play. At first, Jeff felt tremendously shy around her, but the more games and laughter they shared, the more he grew to love their time together.

Jeff remembered coming home from a rough day of school where he was made fun of for wearing “whitey tighties” instead of “boxers” like the other cool classmates. Although he felt shame, he also found himself anticipating time with Christina later that night. He fantasized about her laughing with him and how she would often tap his leg with delight when he would win a game or say something silly. He learned in that moment that fantasy could reduce pain.

One Friday night in early December, Christina proposed a new idea. She would take off her shirt and let him touch her body if he won the game. Jeff’s body shook with anticipation and fear. Christina read him well and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll guide you. It’s going to be fun.”

Jeff’s sexual abuse continued until Christina got a job the following spring at a store that required her to work weekend evenings. Jeff felt so ambivalent about his relationship to his babysitter. He loved Christina’s attention, her touch, her high school status, but he also felt so abandoned and used when she left her babysitting post.

What Your Porn Searches Might Say About You

As you may have noticed, Jeff’s formative childhood experiences of sex had to do with being emotionally pursued, aroused, and eventually abandoned by someone six years older than him. The question then must be asked–how could he expect his sexual struggles as an adult to not be reflective of this story? His pornography use was an attempt to find a familiar sexual story, but also to be in control of how it played out. In this way, unwanted sexual behavior does more than expose your sin, it reveals the portions of your life that are unaddressed and therefore unresolved.

My research showed that men who fantasized about mother figures, larger body types, and women who appeared to be in a position of power had three key drivers:

  • Depression
  • A history of sexual abuse
  • A father who confided in his son about his difficulties with his personal life or marriage.

Once you dive deeper into the ‘why’ of your sexual fantasies, you quickly enter the stories that await your engagement. Sexual brokenness, if you listen to it, will reveal your way to healing.

Listen to Your Lust

My hope is that as you read this post, scenes were coming to mind. I am not asking you to draw hard and fast conclusions between your formative sexual experiences and your present day sexual brokenness. Instead, the point is to reconsider stories you may have long ago dismissed as irrelevant to your struggle with pornography.

The irony of unwanted sexual fantasy is that it will be the most honest portion of your life until you begin to address your past wounds and the difficulties of your present life. Apart from sheer willpower and militant surveillance, Jeff would not be able to stop using pornography until two core issues of his life were confronted.

For one, Jeff needed to address the reenactment occurring in pursuing a pornographic world where older women would pursue him in similar way to the erotic and harmful abuse he experienced. Secondly, Jeff’s depression stemming from his career plateau allowed pornography to take up residence like a squatter. His pornography use offered him a surrogate experience of “care,” but it only furthered the judgment against himself for his inability to move out of paralysis. The antidote was to take responsibility for his own care by pursuing therapeutic and professional guidance.

Sexual fantasies are messengers. You may not like the news they bring, but they will knock on the door of your life until you listen to what they need to tell you. In my experience, talking to your accountability partner or therapist about the possible meaning within your sexual fantasies will take you further into transformation than a hundred nights of prayerful despair.

Sexual Brokenness Is the Stage of Redemption

Porn searches await your curiosity and invite your kindness. Romans 2:4 is clear that the kindness of God is what leads to change. Very often it is our self-hatred that blinds us from seeing the kind face of God. It is my firm conviction that God is neither surprised nor ashamed of our sexual struggles, but understands them to be the very stage through which the work of redemption will be played out. If sexual struggles are not grounds for judgment, they are the very geography where we come to know the kindness and transforming power of God.

A few questions to consider:

  • What are the specific pornography searches that tend to arouse you the most? What might these sexual fantasies symbolize?
  • What age were these sexual fantasies established? What was going on in your life at the time?
  • Think of a time in the last 6 months when you used pornography to provide you relief and simultaneously find power amidst depression or futility.

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What Your Sexual Fantasies (Might) Say About You | Part 1

by Jay Stringer – https://jay-stringer.com/what-your-sexual-fantasies-might-say-about-you-part-1/

For too long, the evangelical community has treated sexual fantasies and sexual struggles as something to condemn. Addressing sexual fantasies through the lens of abhorrent behavior intensifies shame and therefore deepens your involvement in the very behavior you wish to stop.

There is another approach. It begins by listening to your lust. Internet search bars and browser histories expose your sin, but far more, they reveal the unaddressed and therefore unresolved stories of your life. Sexual fantasies are roadmaps. They pinpoint the location of your past harm and highlight the current roadblocks that keep you from freedom.

OUR SEXUAL FANTASIES ARE NOT RANDOM

This year I completed research on the key drivers of unwanted sexual behavior, be that pornography, an affair, buying sex, and the like. Over 3,600 men and women participated in the study. What I can tell you is that sexual struggles are not random or capricious. They develop in the formative emotional and sexual soil of your childhood and flourish in the unaddressed dynamics of your present life.

It is my conviction that God is neither surprised nor ashamed of our sexual struggles, but understands them to be the very stage through which the work of redemption will be played out. The sooner we assume a posture of curiosity for our sexual fantasies, the more we will prepare our hearts for the redemptive work ahead.

A client named Ben entered therapy in an attempt to stop the debilitating anxiety he was experiencing at work. Ben’s boss was emotionally abusive, even outright humiliating at times. Weekends offered no reprieve. Almost every Saturday morning an e-mail would arrive in Ben’s inbox telling him to complete a report by Monday. Ben was working 55 hours a week in a mid-level job and felt like a helpless teenager. A few sessions into our work together, Ben revealed a secret struggle: pornography.

There is a glut of information that tells us that Ben’s struggle with pornography is a common problem in our society. But this data tells us little about the ‘why’ behind our collective drive for pornography. My research found that the type of pornography and sexual behavior you pursue can be predicted by the major themes and significant relationships that have marked your life.

We will focus today on the ‘why’ behind two common sexual fantasies of men. In a future blog, I hope to explore the ‘why” behind particular sexual fantasies of women. My bias is that pornography for men is less about lust, and far more about the issue of power. This frames the language I use to interpret the research findings.

WHAT YOUR SEXUAL FANTASIES MIGHT SAY ABOUT YOU

One of the most common sexual fantasies for men had to do with the desire for power over women. Other popular fantasies for men included: a desire for women to have power over them, a diverse choice in sexual partners, sex that was aggressive or violent, an affair, and buying sex.

Men who wanted power over women tended to pursue pornography where women were younger, had a smaller body type, and had a particular race or appearance that suggested (to them) subservience.

What predicted this type of sexual fantasy in men? There are three key drivers:

  1. His level of shame
  2. His sense of futility
  3. Growing up with a strict father

Men with the highest levels of shame were those that wanted the most power over women. The writing on the wall is that men find power over women arousing precisely because it gives them an arena to find dominance amidst a life filled with shame and futility.

While some men found having power over women arousing, others in my research tended to want the woman in pornography to have the power. These men often fantasized about older women, attractive mother figures, or women in positions of authority who would pursue them. I examine this second fantasy in more detail in “What Your Sexual Fantasies (Might) Say About You–Part 2.”

What were the key predictors for this type of sexual fantasy?

  1. A man’s depression
  2. A history of sexual abuse
  3. A father who confided in his son about his personal life and marriage difficulties

Once you dive deeper into the ‘why’ of your sexual fantasies, you quickly enter the stories that await your engagement. Let’s take a look at some of the stories that influenced Ben’s sexual fantasies.

OUR SEXUAL FANTASIES ARE ROADMAPS

I asked Ben to tell me about the origins of his involvement with pornography. Ben’s first exposure was in high school. Ben made his varsity baseball team as a freshman. The upperclassmen used his younger age as the context for emotional and sexual hazing. They ripped out images from porn magazines and scattered them throughout Ben’s gym bag and locker. A week later, Ben would undergo his official initiation to the team in the locker room. He was pinned down and forced to breathe through another teammate’s protective athletic cup as they stripped his shorts off and drizzled ICYHOT over his crotch. In the opening game of the season, Ben dropped what would have been the final out in left field, allowing the opposing team to win the game.

In my following session with Ben, I asked him about the particulars of his pornography searches. He looked down and then back up to me and said, “I have never thought about that. Why is that even important?”

I responded by telling him that everyone has an arousal cocktail–a mixture of thoughts, images, stories, and fantasies that influence the content we find arousing. In isolation or in toxic religious cultures, we believe sexual fantasies reveal our iniquity. In reality, sexual fantasies reveal our wounds and even the God-given desires we have for comfort, belonging, and risk. If you want to outgrow your need for pornography, you need to gain a sense of what it symbolizes to you.

Ben disclosed that he tends to scroll through pornography sites until he finds video stills with a younger woman’s face or body in a posture of submission to the men in the video. Ben paused after he said this and shook his head with disgust. He intuitively knew that this type of pornography was not so much about lust, but really about power. He said to me, “I know this probably sounds disturbing. I wish it wasn’t all true, but I really hate my life and I really love porn.”

As you may have noticed, Ben’s formative sexual experiences were marked by humiliation and powerlessness. The question must be asked–how could he expect his sexual struggles as an adult to be any different?

The evening Ben’s team lost the game, he was dropped off by a teammate and walked into a dark home. He was angry his parents did not wait up to greet him after witnessing his devastating evening. He took a shower and then pulled out one of the pornographic images planted in his gym bag. Ben stood over the image and felt an immense arousal at the power and pleasure it gave him.

Baseball, teammates, and home were all brutal realities. In contrast, pornography was a magical symphony of reprieve, pleasure, and eroticized power. That evening, the foundation of Ben’s sexual fantasy life was established. Pornography says to men, “Give me all your shame, humiliation, and futility and I will give you a world where it all goes away.”

LISTENING TO YOUR LUST AND FANTASIES

Attempting to address your sexual struggles without understanding the unique stories you bring to the altar of pornography will be an exercise in futility. The irony of sexual fantasy is that it will be the most honest portion of your life until you begin to address your past wounds and the madness of your present life.

Ben attempted to bury the pain of his past and minimize the humiliation of his work life. His anxiety and lust however would have none of that. They continued to cry out.

Sexual fantasies are messengers. You may not like the news they bring, but they will knock on the door of your life until you listen to what they need to tell you. One evening of deliberate curiosity about your sexual fantasies will take you further into transformation than a thousand nights of prayerful despair.

In therapy, I began to work with Ben on the concept of sexual fantasy as a roadmap rather than evidence of his abhorrent behavior. Ben noticed that his pornography desires involved the humiliation of women. He recognized that power over women was appealing precisely because of the lack of power he seemed to have in reality. Ben hated his boss, but felt powerless to do anything about it. This hatred had to be directed somewhere, and as is often the case with men, Ben aimed his anger at women.

Attempting to stop Ben’s pornography use without addressing his humiliation or sexual abuse would never be effective. He had been involved with accountability partners in the past, but the focus remained solely on lust. The underlying factors that drove his pornography use were overlooked.

The particularities of Ben’s pornography struggles were now opening the map of his life. He pinpointed story after story that cried out to be healed. Understanding his fantasy life reduced his shame and therefore reduced his need for pornography. As our first year of therapy concluded, one thing was clear: Ben was far less seduced by power over women because he no longer abdicated his power to care for himself.

KINDNESS CHANGES THE HUMAN HEART

Father Richard Rohr notes, “If you do not transform your pain, you will always transmit it. Always someone else has to suffer because I don’t know how to suffer; that is what it comes down to.”

One of the profound masculine questions of our day is this: is violence and consumption of women the way we want to atone for our traumas? Pain is transmitted when men abdicate responsibility to own their pain. Pain is transformed when men own the harm they have done and vulnerably pursue comfort for the harm done against them. Turning to face our wounds is the first significant step we can take on our journey out of unwanted sexual behavior.

Our sexual fantasies are not evidence of abhorrent behavior; they are roadmaps inviting us into the journey of transformation. As such, they await your curiosity and invite your kindness.

Romans 2:4 is clear that the kindness of God is what leads to change. Kindness, not new strategies to combat lust, not new books to understand addiction, not software to block erotic content. Very often, it is our self-hatred that blinds us from seeing the kind face of God.

One thing that always surprises me about God is that He asks questions to those in distress.  To Adam, God asks, “Where are you?” To Cain, God asks, “Why are you so angry, and why has your face fallen?” To Hagar, the angel of the Lord inquires, “Where do you come from and where are you going?”

If sexual struggles are not grounds for judgment, they become the very geography where we come to know the kindness of God.

Here are a few questions to consider:

  • What are the specific sexual fantasies or pornography searches that tend to arouse you the most? What might these sexual fantasies symbolize?
  • What age were these sexual fantasies established? What was going on in your life at the time?
  • Was there a time in the last six months when you used pornography or sexual fantasy to give you power in a time of futility or anger?

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Christian 12 Step Sex Addiction Group

Revisiting the theme of having the AI ChatGPT write sex addiction articles, I asked it to “Write an article for a Christian, 12-step Sex Addiction Recovery Group” and below is the result:

As a Christian, finding oneself struggling with sex addiction can be a difficult and isolating experience. The guilt, shame, and sense of moral failure can lead to a vicious cycle of addictive behavior and self-destructive thoughts. However, there is hope for those who are willing to seek help and embark on a path of recovery.

The 12-step program is a widely recognized method for addiction recovery that has helped countless individuals find freedom from their addictive behaviors. These 12 steps were originally developed by Alcoholics Anonymous, but have since been adapted to address a wide range of addictions, including sex addiction.

The first step is perhaps the most difficult, but also the most important: admitting that we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable. This requires a deep level of humility and surrender, recognizing that we cannot overcome our addiction on our own.

The second step involves recognizing that a higher power, in the form of God as we understand him, can restore us to sanity. For Christians, this involves placing our trust in Jesus Christ and recognizing that he alone has the power to transform us from the inside out.

The third step involves making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him. This requires a willingness to let go of our own desires and to trust in God’s plan for our lives.

The fourth step involves taking a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves. This involves honestly examining our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and acknowledging the ways in which we have harmed ourselves and others.

The fifth step involves admitting to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. This requires a willingness to be vulnerable and to seek the support and accountability of others.

The sixth step involves being entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. This requires a willingness to let go of our old ways of thinking and behaving, and to embrace a new way of life.

The seventh step involves humbly asking God to remove our shortcomings. This requires a recognition of our own limitations and a willingness to rely on God’s strength rather than our own.

The eighth step involves making a list of all persons we have harmed, and becoming willing to make amends to them all. This requires a willingness to take responsibility for our actions and to seek to make things right with those we have wronged.

The ninth step involves making direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. This requires a willingness to face our past mistakes and to make concrete steps towards making things right.

The tenth step involves continuing to take personal inventory and when we are wrong, promptly admitting it. This requires a commitment to ongoing self-reflection and accountability.

The eleventh step involves seeking through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. This requires a commitment to cultivating a deep and meaningful relationship with God.

The twelfth step involves carrying this message to other sex addicts and practicing these principles in all our affairs. This requires a commitment to sharing our own experiences with others who may be struggling, and to living out these principles in all aspects of our lives.

As Christians, we believe that true freedom and transformation come through a relationship with Jesus Christ. The 12-step program can be a powerful tool for incorporating Christian principles into our recovery journey, and for finding the support and community we need to overcome our addiction. With God’s help and the support of fellow believers, we can find hope and healing in the midst of our struggles.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 98: The Lord’s Prayer and how it applies to sex addiction recovery

Doug and Chris discuss each line of the Lord’s Prayer to see how it might apply to your recovery and your walk.  It is a powerful way to look into how our higher power can still practically walk with us and provide support. 

If you have questions or want to reach out, please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org, and remember that on this path of recovery, you are not walking alone.