originally posted: https://sexuallypuremen.beehiiv.com/p/shame-label-impure-motives
By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, C-CSAS
“Motive” is one of my favorite words. Webster’s dictionary describes motive as “a need or desire that causes a person to act .” You cannot follow a court case without someone trying to determine a motive. Determining the motive for committing a crime is essential in ensuring a conviction. But motives also play a critical part in our lives.
Each day, you make hundreds of decisions. If you think about your decision-making process, you will probably conclude that decision-making has become routine. Often, decisions are something we do not put much thought into. These are minor decisions such as “what to wear,” “what to watch on television,” “what route to take to work today,” and “what to eat” (unless, of course, you live in my house). We refer to these decisions as habits.
Other decisions are major and require us to take more time to discern. Decisions such as whether to take a new job, move to a new city, change churches, or whom to marry. In some cases, we struggle to make decisions out of fear. The thought of taking the wrong action can frighten us and paralyze us. It can become so strong we make no decision at all. This is called analysis paralysis. Yet, in other circumstances, we are so desperate for change that we make snap decisions that we later come to regret.
That is why we must lean on the word “motive” when it comes to decision-making. Depending upon our motive, the course of action we select can range from ‘proving to disapprove,’ ‘smart to stupid,’ or ‘caring to insensitive.’
In our haste when deciding, we tend to lean more toward reacting based on worldly values rather than Spiritual values. This often leads to poor behavior and feelings of regret and guilt in knowing that we could have handled the situation much better.
Well-known pastor and author A.W. Tozer, in his book, The Pursuit of God, said, “It is not what a man does that determines whether his work is sacred or secular, it is why he does it. The motive is everything. Let a man sanctify the Lord God in his heart, and he can thereafter do no common act. All he does is good and acceptable to God through Jesus Christ”.
In our decision-making process, we use two motives driven by our sinful nature to justify most of our actions.
- It will allow me to indulge in self-gratification
- It will allow me to impress others with my self-worth
Today, we live in a society that demands instant gratification. We can find truth in this all around us. Take texting, for example. Before cell phones, there was no expectation that communication with others would be instantaneous. Years ago, someone would call, and if you were not available, they would leave a message and expect you to get back to them when you were available. Today, the expectation is that you will respond immediately if you receive a text message. And if you don’t, you may end up with a series of text messages such as:
Where are you?
I just sent you a text.
Did you not get it?
Are you ok?
Are you mad at me?
Hello?!!!!
I hate you!!!!
Actions taken with the purpose of self-gratification involve impure motives. They are actions centered on us and designed for one purpose – to have it our way. This type of behavior occurs when we become disconnected from our hearts. This tends to put all the emphasis on us and none of it on others. We become inwardly focused as opposed to being outwardly focused. This approach flies in the face of God’s teaching and desire for our lives.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Phil. 2:3-4)
Our sinful nature of self-gratification leads us down a path where we find ourselves indulging more in the world’s pleasures than in the wonders that can strengthen our relationship with God and others. When we take that path, we are turning away from God because the focus is on what we want. It is very difficult to overindulge in selfish pleasures and simultaneously feel we are close to God. In fact, I would say it is impossible.
I recently saw this comment on a discussion board encouraging people to try and impress others. “Live loud and proud. Being unashamed of who you are and letting your passions in life shine through is very impressive to people, even when they don’t realize it. Everyone wants to live like they don’t care what others think, so they are impressed when they see someone doing that.”
Really? I thought we referred to these types of individuals as “obnoxious.”
An excerpt from the book Removing Your Shame Label, which is available on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Removing-Your-Shame-Label-Learning
