by Llama Boy
We hear this lingo often in Castimonia. Many individuals find themselves in a Castimonia meeting for the first time after an extreme rock bottom experience. Some have faced fear of divorce, financial insecurity, or run-ins with the law. Whatever it may be that God uses to grab hold of our attention to snap us out of our insane behaviors, it is then up to us what we do from that moment.
As I sit here writing this, I’m reflecting on the events that transpired leading to my “Discovery Day” exactly one year ago. It was an absolute life shattering moment, and only a few weeks later, I found myself in a Castimonia meeting. Nervous, anxious for my future, and fearful of losing my marriage. After that first meeting, I was asked by the leader to share more of my story and how I found myself on the brink of divorce. I shared my piece of the story, and he asked me the question, “Are you ready to do whatever it takes to save your marriage?” In shock that I would even be asked that, I responded quickly with, “Of course, I’d do anything. I’ll change and do whatever it takes.”
Fast forward a month later, and well I found myself signing paperwork to an uncontested divorce. I was at a crossroad: Do I stay in recovery anyway? Or look at my new life of singleness as an opportunity to pursue my own sexual desires?
I lost any real reason to stay in recovery. My spouse is gone, 5 years of a relationship / marriage obsolete, and our hopes for a future family no longer exists. Why should I have stayed in recovery? It would have been easier to choose acting out and medicating my terrible emotions. Instead, I had a moment of clarity. My sexual acting out outside God’s context for sex has been the cause for all the pain all along.
I looked back and thought of all the pain that was caused to me through sexual acting out, and it was all because it happened outside of God’s purpose for sex. From the sexual abuse I experienced as a child, to the numerous affairs and one night stands I pursued in dating, and the eventual downfall of my marriage, it was all to please an unhealthy desire that promised me pleasure and escape from my insecurities in life.
Sin will always tell you that the momentary pleasure of flesh is more valuable and more promising than the eternal promise from God. When you experience this, you will no longer choose to work recovery for anyone else but yourself. My prayer for anyone reading this article is that you come to this moment of realization BEFORE you lose all that you are working your recovery for. When you choose recovery for yourself, you lose any fear of failure. You get to walk in the freedom that Jesus offers when he says, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, because I am lowly and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” You no longer walk on eggshells in fear of upsetting or losing your spouse because you learn to accept your imperfection, and that this journey of recovery is not meant to save anything but your own soul from separation from God.
A year ago, I would’ve never thought I would still be part of the Castimonia ministry. Since then, I’ve been able to drain my mind of unhealthy sexual thoughts. I had a face to face moment of forgiving my family member who sexually abused me as a child. By the grace of God, I recently celebrated 9 months of sobriety from sexual acting out. It’s a freedom from sin that I never thought I would experience, and it’s because I chose to work recovery for myself that everything else in life fell into place.
